Long distance information give me Memphis Tennessee

Well, here I am. Just me again. Wow.

I had promised the mate a year and a day and I kept that promise as I kept all the others I made to him. We are finito. Done. It's over. The mate is good where he is and I am good where I am. I have kids and pets and family and friends that all need loving, too, and I can not spend my time here sending all my love to his spirit. He is dwelling in perpetual love and peace. I am living in perpetual change and confusion. I have to pay attention here so I don't leave undone what needs doing for those I care for. The hugs, guitar instruction, cleaning, money, helping with whatever - those are my jobs now. My position as head partner and cheerleader for the mate is over. I have to get that in my head tight and let go of the hand of the man that kept me safe and cared for over the time we were together. I have to learn to walk alone. Ride my motorcycle alone. Drive to town alone. Live alone.

I have been learning these things in little bites and bigger bits all year. I don't know but what I needed a year and a day to get over him more than to honor his memory. My man was a vet, my man was a lover, my man could be a fighter, my man was good to all those he came in contact with but most especially my man loved me. I can take it to the bank. I do, sort of.

I am in a big state of Now What? today. I called the boss and my call back has been set back again. He is trying to replace all that I do with a catalog. I hope it works for him. It means I need to start thinking about another job. Michigan requires me to look for work if I have no back to work date. I might find one but I am thinking of starting one from here. We will just have to see what comes up.

The unemployment is good until May. Spring again. I think I can come up with plenty to keep busy and make money by then. I have had everything I need and more and believe that will continue to be my blessing in this life. That includes meaningful work.

I would really like to be in a position to help people. Nothing makes me happier than to get two or three people what they need all from each other. Swapping, figuring, dickering and then one gets their car fixed, one gets a part they need for their car and one loans a garage on future favors. Later they get a car to use when theirs is wrecked from the guy who's car was repaired. It's all good and all they had in common was I knew them and KNEW what they needed.

Maybe there is a grand scheme of things, maybe not, but I think I have figured out why you have to ask.

Self.

If we are to be ourselves, each unique and individual then the grand plan includes us learning what we need. The plan goes on but when you ASK for something a PING goes up on the board and it filters through the system to who ever can fill the need so it gets taken care of. All we have in common may be that we used the same switch board.

The divine love is always trying to prove to us that it is there but we are so thick skulled that even after we see it work time and time again we doubt it. We can't lay hands on it, we can't smell it and the way it works is so amazing no one believes us when we tell them.The only way then is to show us - over and over and over.

I have been working with Jeanette and her kids from a seriously depleted abundance. I gave away all but two sets of towels, all but two sets of sheets per bed, all but a few tiny things of the mates, all the furnishings except what I am actually using. I don't even really have a desk. I type this on a typewriter table in the dining room and in the bedroom are the two small file cabinets with a board over them for the sewing machine. It works for me but left me wondering how their needs would be filled. Many were filled by others, of course, who had what they needed.

Still - when Jeanette stopped over on her way to do laundry, she said she needed a tote for clothes. There was a nice duffle style bag the mate's dad had given him still hanging in the closet because none of the kids needed it. There was also a brand new suitcase on wheels that was never used, tags still on it. We bought three for donating to Katrina and kept one because it fit perfectly in the bike trailer we no longer own....I gave her both of them.

As she was leaving she said she wanted to get a phone to see if they could get service at the house from the pole and I had her wait in the drive way while I ran upstairs to grab the brand new one I bought and was not even using anymore. I had replaced it with an antique one I like that is rotary. It makes me smile. I had what she needed but didn't know it until she asked.

I have told her and the kids that everything I did was for the kindness they showed us and that I would be just fine as long as I filled all the needs that I saw that I could. When I was starting to worry I went a little too overboard I did the numbers and have enough for everything that is due now and still had enough to go out for my Friday dinner and drink again this week.

Wild. The last time I went for my night out I ran into a cousin I never see anymore and he needed to talk. Even my entertainment leads me to help others when I watch for it.

So prayer, meditation, visualzation, whatever you do - is just letting Central know that you have spotted a need. Ping! Keep in touch often.When I see a need I say it. I need a way to provide for myself and enough extra to help others.

"Hello? Central?"

Here's a quarter - call someone who cares

Just a note as I get the email, think about the chores I want to do and contemplate the company I will so enjoy later today.

Here in the area where we live I know of at least three millionaires. We have many large businesses, some national chains and more private ones. There are churches with buildings as large as our public schools. There are people who fly out to go to work every day. There are even famous people, known nation wide for their talents. They have money. I will grant that I don't know their lives or their problems but I do know at least one of them is building a miniature railroad in his yard....Another that owns twenty five antique cars. They have spare money.

These are not the people who have responded to seven adults and three children left out in the cold of a January winter. It just makes me wonder. My current liquid assets are under four digits because I cared enough to put anything I had access to at the disposal of a friend I have not even visited with more than once a year since we moved away from them. We are close right now as I keep an eye out to see what is going on. We were close as neighbors before but we were not soul mate type friends, just two women that had similar tastes and loved rural living.

I have helped others after fires with small contributions because small was all I had to give. I didn't always do all I could have because I had my own kids to take care of and bills to pay. I get that, too. If the extra blessings I have been given are not for helping others then what are they for? Retirement? Ha! I know me better than that. Even if I live that long I will always have to work. Savings? OK, maybe I should have some back for emergencies. I usually do. What is it called when your home burns down? All together now - Emergency!

When I think of all the people that have dug down and put out cash help or showed up to work at the house to clean up the terrible mess the list covers the unemployed, factory workers, retail workers, nurses aids, and retired people on fixed incomes. Not that some with other life styles haven't contributed but they are such a tiny minority of who has helped that I was, once again, surprised.

I don't think everyone is blessed enough to have the ability to do what I have had the privilege of doing. They have mates and kids and such to take care of. I am just me and some pets. Short rations for a month are normal for us. That's all I am looking at, really. I will be staying home a little more this month and cutting back on travel that is recreational. Big whoop. Nada. I have had way more experience going without than I have at having so much. It may be why my generous blessing this summer is gone now.

As the oldest of five I had to learn to share. I learned the difference between someone just wanting the toy I had and someone that couldn't play with the other toys, they were not right for them but the one I had was. I fought the first and learned to give it up to the second one.

I guess I won't ever be really rich. I can't see any reason to hang on to lots of money. I can be happy with five grand in the bank and feel really rich because I can get a car, an appliance, or take a trip in an emergency and have money enough for all my bills from my income. I haven't had that much in the bank in forever. The blast this summer went into the home and the futures I invested in. That's what I have done this week, again. Invested in futures.

Today is a little better for my friends and all of their tomorrows will continue to improve as the house goes up, the financing comes through for the home the one boy is buying, and they get back to work because we all helped them.

Believe me, they won't forget. They will go on to help others, like they always have before, with a clearer understanding of why it is important.

Jeanette didn't know it was her own future she invested in when she helped me out in '89. It might be my own future I have invested in by helping others this year. I guess this all started when I wondered how I could make more money to share with others as I have seen another need coming soon and I am about tapped out right now.

I don't believe I should get a cut of someone's wealth because they were able to make a lot of money. I don't believe giving someone what they seem to need is always right. Going without is a learning experience all of us need to appreciate what we have. Even so, I have been going around blessing my roof, furnace, floors, windows and walls since this pointed reminder of how far we came after our own disaster. I also blessed it for being there to share.

I guess I just think people need to look around and realize how much good they could do if they weren't so intent on having the most or the best of something they can't even use. It just sits there and stares at them and gets dusty. I wonder how much dust is on some people's piggy banks and contemplate the point of it.

One "rich" person could put these people back in their home more quickly than 100 poor ones can but we are the ones gaining the riches we can take with us, the love of our family and friends and the joy of knowing how rich we really are in having them.

I woke up knowing that, yes, it's been a year now since my whole life went into ballistic changes. But I was also glad to be having the kids coming that can make it over and the moms and the sister and all. I have friends and family coming because they love me. The mate left me that, too, in a way, I have his family, too. I do miss him. Last night was bad. But now the sun is out and I am loved and rich enough to give away everything I could and know I will be cared for.

Who needs money? I have to get dressed and clean upstairs now. You all have a good day.

If you ever change your mind

about leaving, leaving me behind - just bring it to me, bring your sweet loving, bring it on home to me....

I sing this song a lot now. You knew I'd be here, didn't you. In eight and a quarter hours I will have made it one year exactly without my mate. Also one year without a kiss, without sex and without a serious hug, too. I am surprised to be here, but I am.

Almost every tear I shed was because of my loss, my needs that were not getting filled, my hurt. When I could remember where he was and what it was like I didn't cry for him. Yet in the store the other day every song that played as I watched one of the girls shop was about a man missing his woman. The Dad is in the stormy skies and the grama was in the bread box but my mate is in the radio. All year he snuck up on me with tunes that fit what I was thinking. Spooky but comforting at the same time to know he understands. He misses me, too. Comforting.

As he lay there and all the fussing was done and all the tubing was out of him but before I would let them carry him out of our home I got down on the floor with him for just a quiet good bye. I hadn't cried or had hysterics yet, I was dealing with cops and medics and family and had to stay on top of things as best I could.

I grabbed a blanket and sat beside him. "This wasn't on my list of things to do today, Mate." Stress always makes me crack jokes. "It's ok, I will take care of the animals and the kids, like we promised." There was a long pause as I looked at the remaining flesh and realized it no longer even looked like him to me. "But, oh Buddy! I'm going to miss you!" I started to tear up and knew it wasn't the right time even yet so I got me under control and leaned a little closer to whisper to him. "A year and a day, mate. I love you. Thank you for loving me."

I got carefully back on my feet and told the nice men they could take him out now. Then it gets confused for about three days. But I did it. I survived five days and then thirty and then a hundred and today it is 365 days later and I am still here. I am short one dog and two trucks but everything is under control, really.

I learned that I am selfish. I really missed him when it was something I had to do for myself that he used to do for me. I learned that I am loved by others, too, and that they need to be loved in return. I wonder how many of them are awake tonight saddened by the anniversary. I wonder how many are crying tonight. I wish I could comfort them.

My comfort had become the sure knowledge that I will have all of the real forever to be with my mate. This tiny 'forever" we promise each other here is but a glittering raindrop falling from the web of a spider in the sun of a spring rain. "Plop" and it's over.

My other comfort is that I don't have to keep social rules for loyalty to a mate that has gone on ahead. He knows why I do what I will do and loves me anyway. This man loved me through everything life could throw at us and my own meaness, he won't quit loving me now because I need to stay here longer. He will be glad I am here for the kids and he wants me happy. Truth.

I'm good with that. We have talked, me and the others that loved him, over the course of the year about many things. He told me once he was jealous of the dead because they know what happens next. Now he knows, too. And he knows if Elvis is there or here, who killed Kennedy, where Hoffa was buried and many other things he was curious about.

It amused us one day to try and name all the animals and friends and family he has with him. I hope there is more yard than mansion there, we will need room for all the dogs and cats to run. I hope the mansion has many rooms as his best friend ever was ahead of him and several other friends as well as his grand parents that he loved and John Lennon and Jim Belushi, people he enjoyed here.

I have learned I don't need a man in my life. I have also learned I am happier with one. I hope to find someone to trust again someday. Whatever comes I will survive.

I have learned that however hard I hurt, someone hurts worse, really. It's not just a saying. One lady lost her Dad and her son in a crash.

I learned that I am less cheerful in nature than I thought I was. I tend toward the somber when at rest. The mate was my smile a lot of the time. I am working on it. I am not unhappy but I don't smile and laugh as much as I did with him.

I remembered that I am a spiritual being. I am closer to the creator than I have been since I was young. I have been blessed with not only all that I needed but enough for the kids and the friends and even strangers this year. As I remember myself as unique and perfect in spirit and beloved of the creator even more comes to me to share with others. I like that.

While my family and friends have helped me tremendously this year I have helped them back and it's not as one sided as it sometimes felt to me.

My children are my joy. #1son makes me laugh, Best Girl is my right hand, Scooter Girl is my sore hearted one and Eldest Daughter is a woman to be amazed by. I am proud of them all. I could not have gotten through this without them.

My Mom, the sis and other sister, nephews and nieces and in laws and out laws and other family have been there every time I called for help. Through their own tribulations they made time for me and my needs and desires. Family is what you start with, how many friends you make is up to you. Most of my family are also my friends.

Long lost friends have come back to help or teach me lessons I needed to learn. I love them, too.

In losing my lover I found more love waiting for me. Love I took for granted sometimes and now I treasure it better, I hope. I remember to tell them I love them every chance I get.

Later today some of us are gathering because we are still so sad that there will be comfort in being with friends and family today.

But still, at the very last, I am learning I am only human. I am still flesh now. I don't think I will ever be truly content again until I am with my partner again. While he is ok where he is we are still parted and neither of us was ever ready to call it a day until we were together again.

Mate, I miss you still. A year later and still I cry as I write. What a man you were and what a lover and what a partner. You were a wonderful dad, a fine uncle, an outstanding grandfather, a good son and we all still miss you.

Thank you for loving us.

Moving on down the road

Too many of you hurry through when you see the same post at the top, not knowing I was posting below it so I replaced it with the shorter request for help.

Today was a "take a break" day for all of us. I rode shot gun for Jeanette while she got her bank stuff straightened out one day. I have taken both the moms out to get clothes and phones so they are all in touch even though they are in three different homes. Neither of them has family in the area and one of them doesn't even know where to contact her mom. It's very sad to be alone in a mess like this. I am doing mom stand in duty to them as much as I can.

IF they can get the money to get a roof on then they can pace the rebuild to match the finances as they go. Please send what you can, no matter how small you think it may seem. We have raised enough to get them communication, transportation and safe locations. They have clothes and bedding for now and personal care supplies. The food just keeps coming in and they save the freezer of venison and the cellar of home made canned goods.

With pneumonia before the fire and smoke inhalation for all of them they have been under the weather. All three kids have been on inhaler treatments this week. Hopefully they will be back in pre-school next week. The guys have been pushing themselves so hard to get the mess cleaned up and the trash cleaned up that they are both exausted. I hope they finally took time to relax a little today. They still have dogs and cats to feed and chickens to care for but I am praying they got a good break.

One more day.

Running on empty

It's getting closer, the black anniversary. I have to say that with working with Jeanette and her family I haven't had time to get down much. It sneaks into my days is strange and sudden ways. I dropped one of them off yesterday and there was a beautiful boxer girl dog there and tears gushed for my white friend that I miss but have tried to let go cheerfully. I miss him, too. He was my last friend that was as close to the mate as I was that was here everyday for us. I did what was right for him and it's nice to know the mate has his friend but he gave me a secure feeling I don't have with my Shadow girl. She's just not mean looking, only noisy.

There is a need for about seven thousand dollars to get the family squared up and put a roof on the house. That is not even the cost of the from the floor up remodel they will have to do. It is just what they need to pay everything I am aware of off and cover the house so it will dry and take no more damage from weather.

May all of you who have helped be as blessed as they feel today! They all have rooms in homes to stay in, bedding, beds and clothing. There is a need for dressers and two real full sized beds. A guitar is needed. There are other things too, but we are getting them as fast as we can. Others have been bringing what is needed, too.

A bunch came here to warm up and get breakfast and coffee yesterday and I was so glad to have the abundance of food for them! There is enough and more than enough so far.

I will be back later!

Maybe I didn't tell you quite as often as I should have

You were always on my mind.

How many times is it true of us? A friend is on our mind and we tuck it away for later. We see someone is lonely and we make a mental note to visit then don't. We are forever deciding a chore needs to be done and then we let it wait until it has annoyed us so much we get angry and then do it in a bad humour.

I am not blogging in a bad humour but I feel badly I have not gotten the last few days in here in order. I will forget it or get it all screwed up! Darn me!

My Mom's birthday is next week. She's a widow, too, with just us kids for support and her church buddies. She's the only one I know that I will bet there will be more people at her funeral than at the mate's and I'll bet her day is as poorly planned ahead for fun as mine was.

I will not let this happen, she is going to be 70 and it has to seem like forever to her. Seventy birthdays. How can I make this one special? Ideas? I'm listening.

*******************************

The guys at the house that burned have the second story down, the first story almost emptied out and the trash going to the burn piles or the dump. They work from freezing I can see to even colder I can't see. I have met sister's, in laws, neices, nephews, neighbors that have moved away but heard there was a need and they came back to help. Some of them from far away. All of them leaving their families to handle their lives while they help the lady that helped them.

I spent Friday helping them clean the place they will be living until their home is remodeled. It hasn't been cared for since the lady who loved it died. They had to do a lot of work just to get the kitchen to where it will function again. I took on the bathroom with the drywall remainders in the tub. It took hours. I watched the two boys while the girl cleaned and while Jeanette visited with her sister. I read them a story and got them to lay down about three. Around five I went home.

The place that burned is salvageable with major renovations. It will be a one story home this time around but that is not all bad. The kids are grown and gone except when they are trying to buy a place of their own. It's usually just her there. Her nephew is a contractor that lives way up north. He told me when he was a baby someone threw him away but his aunt thought he was worth saving. He has been here inspecting and working a writing a list of materials for her most of this week.

Another niece was there bringing hot coffee and treats to keep the calories high for the men working in such bitter weather. Her aunt always had time for her when she was growing up. The neighbor who moved away told me she would let him help himself to the garden for his family when they lived there and it helped stretch their tiny budget.

A kid who says his dad beat him and his mom never cared what he did was a friend of that neighbor and Jeanette's two boys. He is unemployed right now and is broke but he got a ride over to help people that made him feel welcomed and loved. Come to find out he is the son of the man I wrote about back in December. It surprised me that the man I met was a poor father.

One of the older men there asked if I was related to someone with my maiden name. Oh, yeah, I was. One knew my uncle, one my cousin, one knew the cousin I just talked to last week. It started to be old home week!

We were all there for the same reason. Jeanette had reached out a hand when we were down.

Saturday I met them all at the house and took Jeanette around to get heaters for the help and to dry out the basement. I met a girl who was my neighbor when I was six and under. She was older than me and lived one block down. Her mate and she were tracking down heaters for us. They had burned out several years ago and were nothing but kind and helpful. We managed to get four heaters for them. Two for the basement and two for upstairs. It took a trip to the sister's and three other stops to get them all over there.

They all came over to eat venison stew last night. It stretched ok and the frozen cake and pie I bought were ok, too. We ate, drank, drank coffee, played guitar, played cards and talked. Everyone talked and talked and talked. They were fed, warmed and relaxed for the first time in the day, I think.

I loved being able to help so much that later I was even cheerful doing dishes and mopping up our tracks. I kept two of them over because they were too drunk to drive. They left before I was up this morning but they were very quiet about it. I woke in time to see the truck drive away, probably to go back and work one more day before their own jobs take them back to their lives.

I have not had time to sit and be bored, go to the bar or pout because of the anniversary scaring me in the face. (sp int) I have handed out smokes and gas money and food and time freely. I am loving it. I ask every day that I be guided to do it gently and with love and always considering their feelings. So far I have even kept my foot out of my mouth.

On my new calendar mom got me for my birthday I have been writing the names of the people I have had contact with that day. I had one day this month with no contact with anyone on it. Only one. I am not alone. I am too busy to keep up here like I should but the words are building and I will be back as soon as we get them settled in better.

Hugs to you all and more thanks to yet MORE of you who have taken the time to contribute to help them. Even just ten dollars is ten days of walkie talkie phone contact so they can keep cooridinated while they are all spread out like this. It's half a tank of gas to get to the store or to work. Every little bit is appreciated more than I can tell you. Thank you all!

You are my sunshine

Today's post is a frank request for cash support. You, with a few dollars to spare, can bring the sunshine back for seven people in need.

I know a lot of you have faded away this month and through the holidays. We have all been busy. I have been dealing with my personal loss with the anniversary of the mate's passing coming up. It's keeping me busy in my head and heart to get through this is a way that honors his memory, would have him feel proud of me and still function. But life really does go on. You can't ignore some things. I had one of the important ones hit me yesterday. Now I am really busy!

You have heard me mention the fire we had in '89. I said someday I'd tell you about it. First read the following, please.

Weekend fire leaves Orleans family out in the cold

ORLEANS TOWNSHIP - Aaron Stang and his family were staying at his mother's house at 1917 Young Rd. in Orleans Township waiting for his own house to be ready, but a fire on Sunday night destroyed his mom's house and left them all looking for shelter. Arron Stang's family includes his wife and two kids.

"When I realized the fire had started, I ran upstairs and kicked in the door, but it opened the other way. The kids were trying to come out and they were stuck for awhile.”

Orleans fire chief Leslie Doty stated. “The fire was contained to the upstairs, but with the water damage the house was a total loss. It certainly wasn't intentional especially when there wasn't any insurance. When we arrived the upstairs was fully engulfed, and there were flames shooting out both ends of the house and from one place in the middle of the roof,” Doty said.

Doty said his people received the call from Central Dispatch at 10:33 p.m., and Aaron estimated it took about half-hour from the time he made his first attempt to call 9-1-1. Fire units from Belding and Ronald Township helped fight the fire until 1:30 a.m.

That particular area on Young Street is a cell phone “dead zone”. Aaron said, “When I couldn't get through to 9-1-1, I started calling everyone on my speed dialing list to let them know to call 9-1-1.”

“They were about ready to go to bed when they discovered the fire,” Doty said. “There were five adults and two children in the house and they all got out of the house unharmed.”

Aaron's mother, Jeanette Stang, who was just diagnosed with pneumonia, spent three and a half hours outside while the emergency responders were fighting the fire. “She only had her house coat on,” Aaron said. “It couldn't have been very good for her health.”

Jeanette Stang's church is willing to receive any items people might want to donate to the family in this time of need. Reverend Bill Overton of Family Life Center at 8683 Storey Road said he'd be more than happy to receive these items for the Stang family. His home number is (616) 794-0458.


When we burned out on St. Pat's Day 1989 with two teen aged girls. We had one cast iron pan left. As the flames chased us out I called 911, grabbed an armful of coats and, not knowing if my dogs and cats were out or not, I pulled the door shut behind me. The mate, with his wallet, and my purse wearing hunting boots and a robe over his jeans was ahead of me. He hollered "You go meet the trucks, I'll get the neighbors to make sure the call went thru. " I was wearing my house robe and hunting socks. I had to meet the trucks because our driveway was a long two track and hard to find.

I raced down the road in the dark to my neighbor's house. I shout "My house is burning down, I need clothes!" The woman that got out of bed to let me and give me the clothes off her back, have us back over after to feed us hot coffee and run up her phone bill while we decided what to do next. The two boys who watched out for our animals and kept an eye on the place for days after that are the young men in the story. The people that helped us when we burned out need our help now.

Jennette is sitting here at my table with chili and coffee and cookies trying to remember all the places she has to go today.

The following is the letter to the editor I sent to both papers that covered the story.

I am asking everyone who reads this to please, count your blessings today
and then share them with this family.
I was Jennett's neighbor in 1989. In March our home burned. I ran, in my pj's and socks, through the snow of a frigid Saint Patrick's night and pounded on her door.
Jennette has never turned away anyone in need. She let me in, gave me her clothes and shoes, loaned me a coat, made coffee and then came to help us.
Afterward we went to her home, had hot coffee, used her phone for long distance calls and her family watched out for our pets and kept an eye on things for us.
At the time we had no idea how we would pay her back. Now I am able to show her what her generosity meant to us. I have opened my home to them.

With no home of their own yet cash is the best help. With cash they can get the clothes and personal items they need, pay for phone service, buy gas to go all the places they have to and pay for medicine and other needs.

Please give generously.

I have set this button up with my paypal account. It has 6.73 in it. Everything for the next 30 days will got directly to the Stanges. You can use a credit card for your donation.

Help me help them - Please.

Thank you.

Jan 17 - I'll never grow a mustache

I won't grow up! How many of us have resolved in our secret heart to never be like "grown ups"? Probably all of us at one time or another. And how many of us who later had children wondered if they would even live to grow up as we might have to kill them? I would guess almost every parent has been tempted by an unruly child and a nearby swamp once.

Trying to balance between our child like wonder at the world and it's magic and our adult responsibilities is difficult at best. Many of us just give up and let go of our ability to play, imagine and marvel at the miracles around us and plod on making a living and being all grown up. That is sad. There should be wonder and joy for everyone of every age in the sight of a rainbow or the flash of a firefly. Bubbles should always be fun.

I had a thought today. It was that not all that is unseen is unreal. Perhaps dragons fly invisibly past us on the blast of a wind out of nowhere. That flash of white in the summer woods might be a Pegasus grazing. Maybe fairies are real but on a different plane of existence than we poor humans.

If electricity is real and magnetism is real and gravity is real then all the other beings may be real, too. Real? Divine Love, God, Buddha, Allah, and the rest?

For me the Divine Love has manifested itself in the care I have received this year, this life. Just like two magnets will repel or attract but I can't see what makes them do it, Love for me has been there, even though I can't show it to you.

Am I trying too hard to NOT see the dragons? Oh, I hope so!

Jan 16 - Have you ever been lonely?

I am lonely and longing for the feel of a man's hand in mine. I want to give and recieve hugs, kisses of love, touch and laugh at the humor in my days with a companion. I want to make love again to affirm I am here, loved and loving still. You can see I do not feel that I have all the sex I want yet. For me sex is an expression of love, comfort and caring to be shared with those I trust. It is an affirmation of the youth in my heart still being in my body.

A man who wishes to share love with me that way will be a friend to me at the very least. Some one I trust with my most frail and worn naked self. Someone who knows I will respect him for his trust, return his love and not betray it.

I do not expect sex to lead to a permanent relationship. Building a home with another person takes great commitment, patience and devotion. Sharing love only requires trust and affection. Mutual attraction is not nessecarily going to lead to permanent commitment.

I do want to find a friend again to share all of our days. When our bodies age and are incapable of sharing sex we will still find happiness sharing our day's events and discoveries and being together. Love of a man and from a man will come to me again soon.

Our hearts never are too old to love.

Thank you for being a friend

Yesterday, in just ONE day, I was able to take Jeanette a for three hundred and fifty dollars! Thank you all for helping! I am leaving their post up at the top for thirty days because most of the money was spent on car parts, some bedding, a very few toys for the two boys who are three and four, and restocking a kitchen.

I want you to look around you today and estimate what those spices, flour, sugar, coffee, cereal, pots, pans, glasses, dishes and cleaning supplies cost. Then you will understand why I will be asking you to give as you can for a whole month.

These first two weeks after a fire everyone will be willing to send clothes, bedding, and money but then they feel like they have done their part and the extra income stops while your expenses have doubled, trying to keep a new place going and get to work and buy new clothes for seven. Add all the usual expenses of life, like fixing the car that broke down yesterday and ran forty dollars just for the parts, and you can see where they will have needs for extra help for at least a month.

Most of my tithe is going to them for awhile. I remember hitting the place where you had bags of clothes every where, nothing to store them in, no money for dressers because the car insurance and the house payment are still due, and no one to help sort the mess out because the mate is at work and the girls were at school. It was my job to get us organized and I felt like I was going to have hysterics half the time because I was still freaking out from losing everything.

So if you couldn't help yet, it's ok. They will need help for a long time yet, at least the first two months while they get a new routine worked out.

I also bought the nephew's car, filled the tank and got it an oil change. It's nothing fancy but her car needs work and the boy's truck broke down hauling stuff to the aunts garage. The DIL spent yesterday moving more dirt than I have seen in a house since my parents bought our farm. She did an amazing job! I got some throw rugs and such so she had padding under her feet in the evening.

I took Jeanette to the bank and the grocery and the dollar store yesterday and we filled the car with things they needed. When I finally had her drive me home I spent another hour grabbing stuff they can use to clean and eat and such. It's loaded now, I have to get going.

Please at least pray blessings for them if you can't give a little and please give what you can. Every dollar helps as she is frugal and thrifty. She has always canned from her garden and the freezer didn't burn, it's full of meat. But they need blankets and towels and bedding still. It's going to cost. They will need money to buy the rafters for the house....

It's we the people who make our country great. Thank you to all who have helped my friends.

Happy birthday to me

The night before my birthday got dark and sad. I really missed my mate. I decided I could sit there and whine or I could find something to do. I decided to go to the bar. I do better when there are other people around. I ate, had a drink and went home. It had helped. The guy running the new bar was down and I cheered him up some. Talk about reverse psychology!

For my birthday I had tried to plan ahead a little. I knew it was going to be hard but I didn't know it would be harder than the mate's birthday was. That one I scheduled the furniture delivery for and kept busy. This one I had too much time to think.

The mate and I often did nothing for each other but extra loving on our personal holidays. We had everything we wanted and extra loving was always welcome. It was so much more than "nothing"! That was out, so I got myself a box of "candy with the map" in dark chocolate to put back a week early to try and trick myself that I got a present from the mate.

I didn't start out doing so well that morning. I was sitting around having a pity party with my coffee and doing great at it when I decided to call Sis and take her to breakfast. She had to do barn chores first but we met at a little diner with good food about an hour later. Getting around and having to go do something got me off my negative track so I was feeling better.

We had a nice breakfast and she wanted to treat so I let her. We were just getting ready to leave when an old friend of my Mom's showed up to have breakfast with her boy. I got the phone number for mom so I could have my brownie points of the day. That was fun.

I had loaned my guitar to my #1Son and discovered I missed it. Sis loaned me hers. We swapped it out from her car to mine and went on our ways. She skipped out on training that day because it was raining and cold. I went back to the house and was just getting ready to visit the Mom when Best Girl with Grands 1 and 2 showed up bearing birthday cake and a card.

This was not pre planned but a very nice surprise. The card Best Girl got me was filled with love from her and I was so touched by it I almost cried. You have to remember this is my step daughter. I am proud to claim her and her sis as mine any day. They are great girls!

I had ice cream and banana bread to offer and we sat down to our treats and chat. They all seem to be doing well, even Grand2, who, the last time I saw him, had a needle stuck in his lip. The piercing thing confuses me. Here is this tuff guy with a pink and white ball stuck on his lip. Weird. Grand1 just missed losing his whole ear trying to expand the hole and getting it infected about two weeks ago. No harm done but why anyone would want to give someone one more place to grab and hold them I don't know!

Grand1 also told me he had two songs learned on the guitar now. I was tickled about that. It's nice to know he will have the music when he needs it. I know I have had to have it. I even bought a cheap fiddle to try and learn a few things on during the holiday. I think I will tune it to the bottom or top of my guitar and then I will know where the notes are, sort of.

After our visit I packed up the left over cake and ice cream and took it to Mom's place to share. She had been to town and gotten me the BIG write on calendar I was wanting. While I will use it for scheduling and birthdays, like always, I intend to write down everyone I have contact with in a day, too. This is to remind me that I am not alone and that I have too had people around. It fills the blank squares in nicely!

I took myself out to dinner and drinks after I left Mom's house. I found out the band was going to be some of three different bands, two of whom I had friends in. It made it a great night and my friend Ms. Borgia I had met there several Fridays ago was there again with her friend The Drunk Guy. We had a good time. I closed out the joint but with my two drink limit there was no danger of cops on the way home being a problem.

The problem was that it was still dark and gloomy on Saturday. No one called. No one came. I decided it was a WTF weekend and cleaned up to go out again. The conglomerate band was really good and I could at least enjoy the music.

Now I am not a bar hound. I usually treat myself to a night out on Friday every other week when I got paid. I just didn't have anyone to invite over and I couldn't stand being home alone and depressed. It's not what I want to do. I am really ok. Most of the time now I only miss the mate first thing in the morning and again at bedtime, not every single minute like I did. As hard as it is to admit it, you get used to them being gone. When it stops feeling like he is just on vacation somewhere I will feel more like I am "over" losing him. That first cup of coffee alone and getting into that empty bed are when I still miss him.

Anyway, I went out. I ran into my cousin Dark, for his dark hair and eyes. His wife left him on New Year's Day. This is an "again" situation. I felt badly for him. He is loving and loyal to this woman even though she has put him through the wringer. There are kids, too. It felt like I was sent to the bar just to talk to him. We had a fairly deep, for the volumn level we had to talk at, conversation and he might even come over some time to visit.

Sunday went fast as I forgot to mention I got a call from the boss telling me to come back to work today. I think I needed that as badly as I needed the time off originally. So I'm back at the old grind, I got the car an appointment to have the heater looked at and I better get going!

See you all tomorrow.

Jan 15 - You're the best

Love brought the mate and I together. We showed each other a deep and faithful love. The divine love was reflected in our love for each other. I feel that, rather than have that love be spoiled by anything in the future, my mate transformed at the time that was perfect for him.

Life here was good but not perfect ever. He was just beginning to show signs of being depressed because he had no job and few prospects to his way of thinking. His health would have been poor if he stayed, with a damage heart and liver for sure and perhaps brain damage. He never had to be less than he thought a man should be. It was a great gift to take him home so soon as I know he and the love he showed could have still been used here. I am thankful the darling mate is safe and waiting for me. Truth. Hard as it may be to believe I have peace in my heart on this.

It took me a year to see this was a truth and to see that my prayers for the mate were answered, not ignored or unanswered. I always prayed that he would have everything he wanted to be happy and content. He gave me so much love and showed me so often that he treasured me as his partner I felt the little I could do for him was never enough. I wanted all the best for him. Now he has that.

The love my parents shared created me, they showed me the love of a parent for a child.

I had children. They showed me how deeply the need to be loved by our parents is in a human. The love I showed them was weak and human in my youth but has grown to a deep and unrestricted love as I grew. Inspite of our hard times they now lean into my love when all else fails them and I am glad to be able to truely love them as they are. They showed me the love of a child for a parent is always there inspite of the failures of the parent.

This shows me that we all wish to have the love of our creator. We seek his approval of us the way a child needs a parent to tell them they have done well. We don't know how to believe in him and trust him as we can't see him.

I see the need of children for the love and approval of their parents. I remember my feeling of joy as the complete, total and unconditional love for me just as I am was showed to me. I know we crave that love.

I am free to love whomever I choose. Expecting to be loved in return limits the out pouring of the power of the divine love. I no longer seek love in return. When I find it I am joy filled. I will not stop loving others because they do not return it to me. Perhaps they will give love to another or their children, that is still multipliying the love.

I have an endless supply of love to share.

Jan 14 - Love the one you're with

Who loves me? How do I know they love me? How much do they love me? Many of us ponder these questions, especially in our intimate relationships.

The questions are in error. How others love is something I can not know. How I love others is what I can improve. We can answer the questions "Who do I love and how do I show it?" Love is joyfully shared when it is returned but love is multiplied when it is freely given.

The hippies were not very far off the mark. Social rules and age defeated their try at loving everyone they came in touch with in their youth. Confusing sex with love also limited them.

Sex is a part of love and a good way to show love or share love, it is not necessary to love.

Once I realize the divine love holds me precious all other loves are part of the expression of that great love. Each spirit here is part of the creator. Each time someone loves me or I love a person it is still the love of the creator being expressed toward me. Each time I love someone they are being showed the love the creator has for them.

I will share the love I am given today and I will treat the love given to me with the care and joy it deserves.

Jan 13 - All you need is love

How is it that so many do not understand still such a simple truth.

No matter the color of the skin you wear, the language you speak, your needs are the same. Love, safety, shelter, food, joy and peace for you and your family.

Where you are changes,what you do to make a living changes, the shelter you live in changes, the number of people you interact with and love changes and you change. Through all the changes you still strive to provide those things for yourself and your people. What ties us all together is the search to be loved.

Using color, location, gender, habits, religion or anything else to convince us we are many small groups of people is how those in power keep us from realizing we are one group - humans.

The more we are taught to seek the differences and are divided in thought the safer the governments are as they take more than they are entitled to have from us. We make fewer friends, learn less and love less everytime we think someone is to different from us to reach out to them. Now that is sad.

I will reach out in love to each person who crosses my path today.

Happy Bday to me.

Out doing bday stuff. Have a good day all and think happy thoughts!

Jan 12 - Over and over

Maybe there is a grand scheme of things, maybe not, but I think I have figured out why you have to ask.

Self.

If we are to be ourselves, each unique and individual then the grand plan includes us learning what we need. The plan goes on but when you ASK for something a PING goes up on the board and it filters through the system to who ever can fill the need so it gets taken care of. All we have in common may be that we used the same switch board.

The divine love is always trying to prove to us that it is there but we are so thick skulled that even after we see it work time and time again we doubt it. We can't lay hands on it, we can't smell it and the way it works is so amazing no one believes us when we tell them.The only way then is to show us - over and over and over.

Remember me when the candlelights are gleaming

I'm So Sorry for the long hiatus. I have been struggling here.

New Years Eve I had the house all nice, baked brownies and was pleased to contemplate that I had the house mostly whipped. There is still the dratted porch but it will have to wait for summer, I think, so the paint will stick and I am not going to fret about it. It is what it is. It has thinned down a lot.

My Mom and her "other" kid and family came over after they had a nice dinner out. We watched football and visited in the uncovered living room. Everyone was very complimentary about the house. When they left Mom stayed and we switched over to watch Dick Clark and the historic ball dropping on Times Square. It was a quite evening with a lot of thinking in it for both of us.

Mom lost her mate before I did and then my Dad died the next year. Holidays are lonely for her, too. I felt many things that night that I can't rightly explain but it was hard to contemplate a year with no mate in it to kiss me at midnight, or bedtime if we didn't stay up that late.

I can't say I am sorry the year is gone. '06 is on the list of bad things to remember. It's not really such a long list but it's full of people I miss. I lost the mate, the trucks, Buck the wonder dog and the house is the same layout but really different. Emptier. It sounds so much like a country song that I suppose I should write one....LOL!

I have found friends to help me through and family that never quits in that year. I won't be forgetting them. I am so thankful to have had the hands, hearts, backs and smiles from them. I do much better with people around in the daytime.

The second everyone here was tied up in Jerry Ford's funeral. The banks were closed. The check for the insurance on the truck had arrived on Saturday and sat in the deposit box until Wednesday. I stayed busy researching cars online and making my new year calls to friends and family. Some of them I hadn't talked to in awhile. Many were out and about so they got messages. It was still fun. Some of them called me back. Vgirl was one of them. She and Vhe have been busy. They always are as first responders and firepeople. It was good to hear from her and she emailed me a photo I needed for the wall I want to build.

Thursday got here and I went to the bank for cash to car shop with. I noticed it gets prices reduced to count dollars. I went back to a lot I had seen a couple "maybe" vehicles on and that felt like the right place. I got the only car I could afford there. It came with a six month warrenty and I liked the people there.

I ended up with a Chevy Beretta. It's not going to get the mileage I want but it will carry me and three grands and their gear or me and my amp and guitar. I checked. I went and bought the 50 pounds each of dog and bird food, threw in 50 pounds of cat litter, one bag for the car, one for the cats and a big bag of cat food along with sundries. Then I went and got Grand1 and Grand2 to ride home and unload it with me.

They did a good job helping me and so did the car. It's got some glitches and the guy I got it from will be putting in a new thermostat for me but it seems ok. After he does that I will run it over and ask my mechanic to check it with the machine and check the motor mounts and such.

The dealer's wife followed me home and drove me back so I could pick up my plate and drop off the nephew's car. When I got home I put the for sale sign on it and hung one in the store, too. I hope to get him at least five hundred for it. It really does run well, it just has a lot of little stuff wrong with it. If you tossed a muffler on it, it would be fine for a couple years, I think.

It is so nice to know I can go out and get into a running car and leave if I want. I have missed that. It's not even that I had anywhere to go, really. It's just that I like that freedom it provides. I filled it up and have not had to add gas since. Either it's got a huge tank or I just didn't read the miles right.

Friday, with a car again, I decided to drive it around and deliver some stuff to people. I had something for KMA from Mom and a book for another friend. Then I was going to hit my new favorite dive for dinner.

I was laying out clothes and then showered. The tub backed up. This is bad. It's where I was before the plumber and the new toilet. I got done, plunged and had no luck except bad. The three drains in the bathroom are all interconnected. Now the tub was nasty and the toilet had no water in it. I was bummed. Being a Friday I couldn't do anything till Monday, either, so it was a weekend problem. I shrugged it off and found the bucket to flush with and forgot about it.

I drove the scenic route to my pub just to check the car out in the rain. It does well. I chatted up the help, picked a dinner and then went into listen to the band that was just getting started. This one was a six piece group. Three guitars, a harmonica player, drummer and bass. They did music older than I do! Wow! They KNEW the songs I requested.

The owner had told me they sometimes did open mics so after the first set I asked the guy with the accoustic electrified if I could check out his guitar later. He was nice about it and said sure. I really wanted to get up with this bunch, they were my kind of music. It was not a tight, well rehersed band but one that had fun making music for people to have fun to. I liked them. Two of them looked older than Dad would have been but they were really fun people.

During the second break my cell phone rang for the first time. I was tickled to hear from the cousins, Reb and Rusty, that they were coming this way for the weekend and would stay over. I wandered outside to get better reception. We set up times and contacts and I explained there would be no showers but they could grab them at her mom's the next day.

I went back in and at the end of the third set I finally got up the nerve to ask if I could do a song. John, the man with the nice guitar, let me strum a few chords and then plugged me in and turned on the mic. I made my usual disclaimer, that I haven't done this in twenty years and then did Old Habits, by Waylon. It was good! I did ok, no chord screw ups, hit the notes right and kept the tempo. By the time I got to the end of it I had two guitars and the drummer back! Yay!And the crowd really did cry out for more, not just one old drunk, either, several people at different tables. I was so HAPPY! It felt so good!

We did Together Again, and the other John sang a lovely harmony with me! I was melting. I love harmony! Then they went back on break and just Steve and I were left. We did All of me by Willie. We had different versions but managed to keep it close. He played a nice lead. We tried for the harmony but my phrasing messed him up. I would love a chance to work it up right.

I was in pig heaven. I thanked my crowd and got down as the guys got back up. I hugged John for sharing the guitar and told them all thank you about ninety times. I bought them a round, too. I really enjoyed it because they and the crowd were so good too me. It was such a rush to sing in public again and to have the guys come back me up like that means they liked what you did. It was pure pleasure. I went home glowing.

Until I had to get up Saturday and start bailing out the tub and dumping it in the ditch. It was ok with just me here and the cousins are just a pair of transplanted hillbillies so I knew they could cope. But then I dumped too much bleach in the tub and tank and by the time they got here you almost couldn't breath in the house.

We had a great visit. For breakfast I made them french toast and bacon with coffee, of course and we got them on their way. It lifts my spirits to have the two of them here. I love them both and they are great, if long distant, friends. I got a little sad thinking that is was almost this time last year that they were here the weekend before the mate passed on. (transmorgrified). I beat it off to enjoy our time together.

Monday I called around but couldn't get anyone out here so I called the plumber I had put the toilet in. He never called back and I had another day of nasty chore. I also tidied up the house and got it ready for Tuesday bible study. That took about an hour. The rest of the day I sat and stared at a game on the computer.

Tuesday the plumber called and come right over in the morning. I called The Kid and asked him if he wanted to make some money. I thought I might have to have the tank pumped and they charge fifty bucks to dig out the pipe. Not gonna pay it, nope. If I have to give someone that kind of money to dig ten inches down two feet square it's gonna be family.

So the Plumber and The Kid and his grand all get here and we play unplug the pipe from both ends. Not a fun game. The tank is fine and that was the good news. The bad news is that it takes three hours to unplug the pipe. A necklace I have never seen, macramed, some cloth that might be underware of a child or a dishrag, hair, weird stuff. But there have been lots of littles here for the holidays and such so anything can happen.

We have success and they are flushing the pipes with hot water. Whoops. They drained the tank dry and it shuts down. No hot water. Plumber and I go check it out and hear nothing from the hot water heater. We click it on, off, reset button....crap. Ok, I'm a trooper. I boil up some water and open the bleach with a gentler hand than last time. I clean up the tub with bleach and the floor as the plumber gets his toys put away. I do the sink and use a scrub brush on the floors clear to the kitchen. I pay the plumber and thank him. I bleach the door knobs. Finally I think I have it whipped.

I go sit down and enjoy a visit with The Kid. He gets a lot of stuff off the back porch, too. That always makes me feel better. The little grand munches stuff, plays with my toys and watches a movie. A good time is had by all. And I have a grown up to talk to. Nice. One that knows me. Nicer. Thanks, Kid. I needed that.

Bible study goes well. Mom brings chili and I have boiled potatoes to mash under it and grated cheese to put on it and sour cream for a garnish. Sis brings baked apples, yummy! Shy Girl can't make it again, darn it, but we study on anyway. More of John. Mom uses the bathroom and hollers, "Hey! The toilet worked!" She was here for part of the not working part and I laughed.
Perhaps it was too soon to laugh. I was rinsing dishes and explained about the hot water. We prayed on it and I let it go.

I got up this morning and while I made coffee I noticed I had hot water! Well Yay me! So I took a shower.

The drain backed up.......

But we are mostly caught up now, thanks for being patient.

Jan 11 - Oh, dear what shall I do

baby's in black and I'm feeling blue...

The day before my birthday was empty and dark. I am not sure why I could plan ahead for other hard days this year but let my own day just happen to me. I guess I didn't think that it was yet another day the two of us made special and that not having my mate would be underlined in all caps and large print on my heart.

But I did something different. I didn't sit and wallow. I made myself get dressed and go out. It was just to the pub but it was out with people.

I greeted the owner and my friend the waitress and the bouncer and the cook and ordered food, enjoyed it and sat sipping my coffee. I looked around me. The band was setting up, the DJ for the night was setting up. Their friends were helping them. Two men were shooting pool and drinking a pitcher. Others were chatting at their tables. Not one of them was smiling.

There ya go. A truth. No smiles. I watched a while and saw that when they directly contacted another person by eye they would smile but when just being there, sitting, their faces drooped and their minds went somewhere else.

I thanked my waitress and tipped her with a sincere smile, I love not doing dishes so it was easy. She was still smiling as she waited on the next table. I watched my smile to her go around the place once and then I was sitting with a smile on my face.

It was so funny to watch people feel better just for a minute from one smile.

What went around, came around, so to speak.

Send a smile out today! You might get one back!

Jan 10 - I'll give you jewels, money too

Today we have a light dusting of snow in the yard. I slept late because I was out last night. With my coffee and my book I sat at the table in the dining room. As I read I realized I was reading faster than I could process the thoughts I was having. I moved my gaze out the window to the bird feeders.

I almost always have many sparrows and finches. I had noticed last week that the finches were turning more yellow already. It may have been due to the warmish weather we have had here this year.

There was a tit mouse, a purple finch and a small flock of juncos or snow birds. Adding color to the display of plainer birds were five male cardinals. "That means," I said to myself, "that I have ten cardinals." Almost always you will find them feeding in pairs. Against the snow and the branches of my lilac the males show like rubies. You have to look harder to see the females in the cover as they are plainer. (Maybe bluejays are the sapphires)

I always wondered why the males were brighter in some birds. It occurred to me that if I read more books I might have known that the males are more brilliant to draw off predators from their nests where the plainer females are sitting their eggs, safely hidden in the verdur of the tree. I just thought it up myself today. It might be so that the males can protect their family. Interesting.

The other thought I had was that watching cardinals is a lot like finding the good things in your day. Some days it's easy, like a gift of jewels, to see what we have learned or been given on a gray or hard day. A kindness or learning glows like a red bird. Some days we have to look harder to find the good learning or kindness in a day. Like a female cardinal, some things are disguised for their own protection. Maybe for our protection.

By looking harder to find them we appreciate them more. By trying harder to see them we learn to look thru the bare branches and dead weeds to see the living beauty.

I will look, even on what I see as a bad day for the blessings in it. They are always there, I just don't always see them at first.

Jan 9 - Will you still love me tomorrow?

I always wanted a t-shirt that said, "No Comment" because I got cross eyed trying to read all the shirts at a party once. Still, there are some you just have to have. One I saw said, "Lord, walk with me today with one hand over my shoulder and one hand over my mouth."

I have been doing so well trying to say positive and loving things and I think, while Mr. Plumber was here, that I said some complaining, whiny things that were less than kind and he over heard them. I hurt his feelings and he did a good job here. I feel like a heel.

I think the second commandment would have simplified life if it was "Do no harm". Hurt feelings are just as bad, if not worse, than a stubbed toe or a bashed thumb.

Everyone just likes to be liked. We all want to be loved but most of us will settle for like from most people. We like to be proud of the job we do. Our reputation is our business for many of us. I do not want the plumber to think I was unhappy with the job he did.

I said he talked a lot. I said he was a little slow moving but did a good job. I said he was expensive. Now, those things are true, to a point. It was the way I said them that would have hurt his feelings.

When he gave me the bill it was for less time than he was here and the part. Now this guy bills from the time he leaves his driveway. With the price of gas I can understand that. But he said, "I don't charge for talk time." as he gave it to me and I knew I had screwed up again.

I put negatives into the system. Now I have to try and fix it. If you don't screw up you don't have to waste time fixing things. I will write him a note tomorrow.

I will say positive and happy things or I will keep my mouth SHUT! I really will.

Jan 8 - Love hurts

I used to think I had things pretty rough. In my younger years it seemed like every time I took a step forward an avalanche knocked me three miles back. I couldn't figure out WHY? I thought I was doing the right things and taking the right actions to become more self sufficient but I kept getting knocked to the ground.

Some people can put themselves in another's place well enough to know what they really feel. Some can't. Then there are shared experiences that most people can relate to easily, chicken pox, embarrassment, first dates, learning to ride a bike, things that most kids did and you understand from experience.

So why do bad things happen to you? Someday you are going to meet someone in need of aide, comfort or advice. You will find some experience that may have seemed strange to you at the time, almost exactly fits the situation this person is in. You will have the understanding of where they are emotionally and the advantage of knowing how you solved the problem to help them deal with their current situation.

I call it the "I stepped on a 4" nail." theory of communication. You are talking to someone and they say, "and THEN I stepped on a nail and it went right through my shoe..." If you have ever stepped on a nail your body quivers in remembered pain and you immediately understand what they felt in that situation. You say,"Oh,that really HURTS! I did that! My mom took me right to the ER. What did you do?"

This says you understand and your quest for information (to learn if there is another or better way to deal with the event) encourages further communication on the topic. You both click, grow a little closer because you understand each other a little better and share your ways of dealing with the incident.

If you haven't ever stepped on a nail you say, "Wow, that must have hurt!"It shows them you have no concept and usually the subject changes.

If you can take the pain from a similar experience, apply it to your foot and relate to what they just told you, then you grimace and say,"That must have hurt worse than the time I feel off my bike and my hand came down on apiece of glass! I had to pull it out before I could ride home. What did you do?"

This is putting yourself in their place, comprehending what they feel even though you haven't done the same thing and seeking further information on how the situation was dealt with by them. More communication and a click between you.

If you have never hurt yourself, you CAN NOT truly relate to how the other person felt. Truth. It means you can't help others through the maze of hard life experiences very well. Ergo - the more of life's good and bad you experience the better you can relate to more people and their joys or problems.

You can't help others by remembering just the good things in your life.

Jan 7 - Well hello there, it's been a long long time

I am comfortable talking to people waiting in line at the check out. I know a lot of the "public manners" require you to ignore others conversations. Some times I can, sometimes I can't...I've had some pretty strange conversations with strangers and it's usually fun for both of us. The mate was appalled at how easily I would start up a conversation with strangers.

I have seen that people with nothing more in common than that they ride the same type of motorcycle will be come good friends just by spending time together and getting to know each other.

Total strangers will tell each other jokes and sing along with a good entertainer that knows how to break the ice for them. It's taking the time to get to know others that lets us learn what kind of people they are.

A neighbor's girl used to play with my kids a lot. One day Eldest Daughter came home crying because her friend was moving. To make it easier for her I told her I would find out if they would be close enough to visit or get an address and they could still be pen pals.

I got over there and this Mom, a frumpy old lady (visual impression) was really only a very hard used 20 something that had been dealing with a lot of the same problems I had. We talked four hours and wished we had gotten to know each other sooner. They were moving too far to visit to get away from a violent ex-husband.

Now I was upset! We could have been friends for a whole year! I got an address. We wrote a few times and life slid us apart, but we helped each other through some hard times. That's a friend!

My whole life with this mate started over again because I said "hello" to him. So don't pass up people who may be friends for life or more. Take those chances, stick those necks out. Meet someone doing something you enjoy, say hello, smile at them! Get accquainted!

Smile and say hello today to those you met.

Jan 6- All together now!

For just a moment I was fully aware of my essence being connected to the greater essences of the earth and the universe -

It was an epiphany All matter is created out of the same building blocks. Endlessly joined by our bits to all the other bits, by love we are one.

You are my family, my family is all the universe. You need no justification for being as you are, just BE. As you love a rose, a breeze, a deer, a shooting star, you are loving yourself. You ARE the universe.

As one splinter in one finger affects the whole body so does the pain I feel in you affect me. Each bit of joy you feel adds to the joy level in the whole cosmos. Each pain is felt by all of stars in the milky way. Each grief is spread from here to Sirus, thinning it over space and time and making it bearable by the one tiny bit in mourning.

Pain turns to understanding. The bit we miss is gone but the bits that made them up are still in the universe. They, then, are still with us. If they were biologically related, their bits are us.You are never alone, we are always connected to the ones we love or that love us.

You are always loved. You may take what ever you need from the universe and put back in what you wish. The supply is not just endless but endlessly recycled.

At times I have spread joy and fun. When you give it away it comes back 10 fold because you have multiplied the givers of the universe.Each byte is unique, made of bits of us all. Mean, nice, fair, cheerful, lazy, there is a place for you and what you can give to the universe and what you can challange the universe to give you.

All I really wanted to say is that you have all the time of forever to be happy. You can be happy here and you will be happy where our souls go when we die. Your spirit, the force that animates your body, is perfect. Express your joy in your perfection. Your self, ego, soul is where we all need improvement to learn to share love better.

If I die tonight I will have to tell you the rest of all the stories later when you join me there, but I will tell them to you ...promise!

While I have been here I did much, I did well, I failed miserably, I hurt people, I was broke, I was hungry, I am fulfilled, I helped others, I have learned, I found joy, lived with true love and knew enough to treasure it when I found it.I will explore the next existence with the gusto I tried to put into this one. Watch out for wild poltergist activity when I do metamorphisize, I have always wanted to snap up the window shade at the scary part of the movie.

Jan 5 - How do I love thee?

How you love someone depends on who you are loving. Right?

I don't know. Maybe my love is so oriented toward male/female romantic love I tie it all up in my relationships with my partners and don't love enough for kids and family and friends because we only have to love them a little.

That doesn't sound right.

If I can learn to show my love to all the people I love the same as I showed my mate what would that do?

I would see their needs and fill them. I would hug and touch more often. I would contact them more often. I would - ... be really busy trying to love them all the time. Everyday. When I couldn't be with them I would be thinking about them.

If we were all busy sharing love we might not have any time to get blue and lonely and sad and we might find out we had more love to share than we thought.

Social rules for "appropriate" loving touches have done much to teach children to limit the love they show others. Who can resist a grand running to jump in your arms with a big smile and a little hug and kiss? Not many. Then we have to not touch as we get older if we are opposite gender grand parents. That limits the love we show them, too.

Sharing the love we have with more than our mate brings more love into our lives.

As noted before, love multiplies, love never divides.

Jan 4 - Got my bindle over my shoulder

All you can take with you is what you leave behind. Now there's a thought for you.

All the "things" and places and cars and bars and homes and fishing spots are going to stay right here when you move on to the next life. It does no good to leave statues and buildings and even words fade with time like water worn sandstone.

The place to store things that are important to you so that they are safe forever is in the hearts of your people here. That is what you take with you, the comfort of knowing your love is still here working for your family and friends to make their lives easier in the long run.

My son called the other day to tell me he had stopped to change the tire of a "little old lady" who had a tire blow out right next to his truck while they were going down the freeway. He knew it would bring joy to my heart to know he took care of someone else's mom when she needed it. He also knew that it would make me smile. Mostly though, even if he doesn't know it, he called to say, "See, I was listening and I believe you were right to teach me to take care of others in need." I was so proud of him.

I will be leaving behind a man who will take care of and love others and daughters that will love and care for others and neices and nephews and sisters and friends that will love and care for others. And they will teach their children to love and care for others.

I can take that with me. It's like love in the bank.

She rides so fast and she drives so hard

I'm finally good to go really vehicle shopping. The insurance check cleared and the B1son got the hood up on the junker so I can go to town. So see me later for the new year's eve and thoughts for the new year.

I am OUTTA here! Gonna get me some wheels!

Jan 3 - Lay a little loving on me

"Lay it on me, man." I learned to say that instead of "tell me about it" so I would sound less hick like when I was traveling at 15. "He laid it on me," meant someone gave me something.

If I give someone something they need my life is made easier. I know this is true as I have been giving things away since March. It lifts my spirit to fill a need for someone I care for and I don't have to take care of the thing I got rid of any longer. They lightened my load and I lightened their load. That lifts my spirit. That lifts their spirit. It's a positive circle of loving and giving.

There can be no giver if there is no receiver. Someone has to be in need so others can show their love by giving. When you are in need of comfort, a chair, food, whatever, remember that you have to ask to receive and don't be ashamed to ask. It's just your turn to be in need so someone else can show their love by giving.

Each person we help that goes on to help others sends our love into the future. So invest in the future, be kind to someone today, give a friend a hand, give a stranger a hand and if some one gives you a helping hand remember to pass it on. (More on this was covered here.)

Do I have a need today? Can I fill a need for someone today?

Jan 2 - Spinning wheel, spinning round.

Love connects us to others who love others into infinity.

I love my friend. I cheered her up on a bad day.

She called a friend to tell them she is feeling better and listens to their day. She makes them feel better about it by listening lovingly. She would not have called if she was feeling badly herself. My love for her and my help in lifting her spirits let her lovingly listen and care about another. That friend who loves her man and her children was encouraged and cheered up. She was better able to love them because she was lifted up.

Cheered up, lifted their spirit. Loved.

Connections. Who is to say how far the love you shared with one person will reach?

Smile lines are earned. I will work on smiling more.

January 1 - Always and forever

I am writing a daily note of what I am studying to compile for a guide or calendar next year. You will get that and my usual journal as often as I can write them.

You can not lose your self. Self IS forever.

I believe death, dying and dead are the wrong words for the events described. Transmogrification, transmogrifing and transmogrified seem correct to me. It is a process of change. You are not deleted, you are just different than what we know as people here.

Change can cause a fear reaction. Fear is normal when you face the unknown or strange. To think you will be "not" or that you will only be "gone" and your body food for worms makes some people afraid. As you come to know that when you shed this flesh you will be your perfect self; your perfect spirit, still aware, living and loving, you are not afraid.

We identify parts of the planet as ours, home, school, work, vacation spots are all places we went once as strangers but over time became familiar and safe. A new place always feels different than what we are used to but we are not afraid of trying to enjoy our days there. It's just new and different experiences.

That is what I believe happens when you no longer are linked to your body. You go to a new place, still yourself, and will have new and different things to learn and do, new people to meet and love as well as the ones you already love who went before you.

From Johin 14: And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, you may be also. I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. At that day you will know that I am in my Father and you in me, and I in you.

From Johin 16:22, I will see you again, and your heart shall rejoice, and your joy no man can take from you.

From the Strong's concordence all the words for you, me, I and my are just what they mean. The self that was Jesus will meet us. Each spirit and soul is part of God and each of us is on our own path back to God.

I am using the Bible today because it is familiar to most of you. There are other texts I am reading and will be using.

This year, each day, I will think of myself as a loving and perfect spirit first and a flesh human second.