And the times they are a changing

Ok, I changed the avatar again. It's appropriate because I am not exactly my real self sometimes right now. I am in my meeting people manners mode. That makes me a little less bold in my speech, not much, just a little, I actually brush my hair and make sure I have showered before I go out.

I made a mistake Friday and tried some make up. I remembered why I don't use it, it is SO000ooo - NOT me! I got as far as the first bathroom with florescent lights and took it all off, well, most of it. I found a mascara that actually is pretty smudge proof and doesn't run when I cry..LOL! It also stays on about a week unless you get their stuff to dissolve the crap. So I just wear it till it goes away.

While I am still hanging my real face out my real self is under a layer of public manners sometimes. And I am riding solo. I have been on the bike most of the nice days but haven't found anyone to ride with yet. It hasn't bothered me really. I like riding by myself. Until I get the waitress that says, "Is there just one of you?", when she sees the helmet. Like as a female I should have been on the back of some guy's scooter. I keep thinking that we are making progress in the gender situation but even 35 years later it is still with us. Preconceptions of ability and skills limited by gender. I hate that.

The good news is there is just one refrigerator standing in my back yard that is supposed to be gone tonight and I am done with the gypsies. I can't believe how much difference having them out of here makes for me. I REALLY didn't trust them and didn't even like them very well. The Daring Dame says she has Wednesday and Thursday off and will be over. I caught myself making a note of it, like I still believe her....HA! I really am slow to catch on when I have trusted someone. I don't expect she will ever stop in again and I sure won't be looking her up when she is with that family. So it's not all good news but it's livable.

Thursday the best cousins called to tell me they were coming up to spend the night, the nephew called and wanted to stop in to visit with his S.O. and I stopped on my way to the bank to did up one of the guys that worked on the roof last year to see if he would help me with the mowers. There are stories for all of that so I will try to take it in order to get you all caught up.

The nephew called first, while I was at the office, and was coming over after 6:30. I go to the bank every other Thursday to deposit my check and leave a little early from work to get there before they close. On my way there I go past the place the one guy lives and I decided to see if HE could make the mower go. When I pulled in there was a guy standing by the back end of a truck like he was waiting for someone. I got out, introduced myself and said I was looking for Bubba the Kid, are you his brother?

That got me some browie points! It was his dad. I told him the mate had good thoughts of him as a human when he found out who Bubba the Kid's dad was, they went to school together. I also told him the mate had died. He says, "I know, I was there that day." He's one of the EMT's - specifically - the one that called the fireman off me before I nutted him. We talked about that for awhile and I told him I had the instructions for the oxygen tank at my place still. I also gave him a thank you for trying hug. He says he will hunt down Bubba the Kid and come over to look at the mower. I thank him and head home because the bank is closed by now.

The cousins call. I need help with the guns and ammo again as I have found a bunch more. I am armed and dangerous - if I can figure out which bullets go in which firearm. And one of the rifles is a "swap" the mate did with the cousin so he is bringing one back and getting back his. That makes me think another friend may have done the same so I have to call him this week, (note to self). I am grateful they made the time to do this because I can sell the guns and pistol if I must.

While I am on the phone with them the nephew comes in. He is in need of head pats because he is learning to negotiate instead of just get angry at people and he has weathered a rough situation at work this week and is actually back to happy with his job. His girl is looking good and seems happy, too, so I am glad for both of them.

Then Bubba the Kid, his pal, the Sidekick and his Dad pull in. We all go out to the garage and I pull the mower out for more diagnostics and treatment. The Dad starts messing with it so I show BTK what I want rid of and ask if he wants the stuff. He does and I am glad to get it out of there. I come across the tool box we got for the mate when he started working his second job in our first year together. He has emptied it and stored it. I asked the nephew if he wanted it and he took it with tears and thanks. He really liked the Uncle.

The boys all start hauling stuff. I work on the mower with the dad for awhile and there is no improvement. We diagnose the air filter, again. Then he asks to see the other monster mower which is set up as a snow blower. I drive it out and explain that the mower deck has to be rebuilt and that I can maybe drop the snow blower but no way can I remount it. I see he is interested. We dicker. Finally, I tell him to think about it and I will be right back. I pulled a package of T-bones out of the freezer, go back out and tell him to give me a bill and take the steaks and it's his mower. He is all "I don't want to take advantage of a widow" and I told him that it's worth that to me to get it out of here. The steaks were for being there that day and I appreciated it.

The old wheeler dealer whipped out his wallet and told the boys to load it up. The nephew and neice leave. The guys drive the mower to the neighbors yard and load in his ditch, with permission as he was just heading out. I get the boys to promise to come back after one on Sunday to get the rest of the stuff and they roll off with two truck loads and I get SPACE! I might even be able to get the truck in there some day!

I run in, make a sandwich, put tea on, tidy the house and then amuse myself with the guitar while I wait for the cousins. Whew. At one point there were six vehicles in the drive and as many people and I got a little too busy there.

The cousins rolled in late but I had hot tea and the guitar handy. We visited till very late and I called in for a day off to do the guns.

Blues, stay away from me

repeat and fade...LOL

I did not realize that Tuesday was the 25th, my heart must have known. That would explain my depression getting so deep. It's not even that I feel better today but when I know what the cause is I can at least say it will go away or change soon and hang on til it does. It gives me the illusion of control over my moodiness.

I think I may be reaching a place I need to look at happy pills again for awhile. If I don't feel more "normal" by Sunday I will make a call on Monday and check it out. Prozac got me past the fire and Zoloft kept me from killing people with my hormone swings for a while. Maybe a shot of brandy would do the same but I am still avoiding that experiment for now.

I couldn't even play the guitar last night. I just did a few chores, waited for the damn gypsies to finish running in and out and went to bed. I did get some writing done on the Good Friday post. Maybe it will be ready for next year.

Now, for the dating crowd, a couple questions. If you are widowed are you still married or are you single? Should you say you are single or use the word widow/er in the profiles? Would you pick a divorced person or a widowed person to date if those were your only choices and why?

For the widows; How long do you wear your wedding ring and consider yourself still married? Is a year too long? ten years? ten days? I have compromised by wearing both of them on a thong around my neck. His has been there since he died, mine joined it today. I need to face reality and the line is "til death us do part". At least that's what ours says. He teased that when my heart stopped on the table during the heart attack I was dead so he was single again. I told him I would let him know when I was dead and that maybe that line didn't apply to us anyway!

The premises I am working under are that the mate wanted me to be happy and "We don't have enough time to not have fun." I am spending more time with the family and, slowly, with the friends. It keeps me busy. While I am not happy alone I am not ready to commit to anyone. I am ready for a male to spend time with doing things like riding and having dinner out or catching an event. Even just to talk with would be good. The companionship is what is missing for me. A male friend to share my days with verbally and to tell me of his would be a pleasant distraction from my constant grief.

While I am still destroyed unexpectedly by sudden fits of tears and pain, they are becoming less often as I accept the fact that the mate is herstory, not my future. The future is mine and I don't know how much of one I have available. I don't want the kids or the friends to remember me this miserable and pitiful. I have always tried to enjoy living each day. I have to find something to enjoy. To let me look forward, instead of to the emptiness of the mate's part of my life, to the joys I may be able to fill it with.

This is not easy to do this soon but with a "genetic" heart problem and heart attacks taking grandparents on both sides of the family in their early 60's I may not have time to sit here and pout about the mate leaving me for 3 or 4 years and THEN be happy again.

I feel like I have to make the attempt to get back on the band wagon for having fun while I am here, loving my people while I have them, being glad to have another day to be alive instead of wanting the endless days of no mate to end quickly for me, please.

It is probably too soon to say I am turning into Ms. McCheerful or Harmony Happygirl right away but I have to get my attitude straightened out here and now. The dark is a bad place for me and if I don't shun it it will consume me in misery. I refuse to live like that. The mate wouldn't like it and I don't like me that way. I am not normally a drama queen, I am the Rogue Queen! (some days wild, some days a queen, re: menopause....LOL).

When I grieved for my Dad the mate was comforting but always tried to keep me busy with him. He told me jokes and brought home funny movies. Now I am grieving for him I have to find others to keep me busy. So I am sticking my toe in the water. It's cold out there for an old lady with a a 40 " waist and a motorcycle but I will keep looking around til I find some people who know we all get funny looking as we age and are willing to like me for myself, not my "rode hard, put away wet" body.

I am looking at entertainment in the area, concerts to go to, the Fair is coming, Memorial Day, the Midnight Ride and all the rest of our normal entertainment. I am going to have to start gassing up the bike and hitting the road. Hopefully I can do it with a friend or two to keep me distracted and entertained along the way.

And yes, this may be an abortive effort but I have to try. If I think male friends and keeping busy will cheer me up then that's where we are going. I can't change the past, I can at least make it to the future if I just keep moving on down the road. (the mate says,"Pretty bold post for a one eyed fat woman" LOL, misquoted John Wayne movie line we loved, my response has to be "Fill your hand you SOB!, and then we both laugh - hence the photo above. )

Black is black I want my baby back

A friend from the coast told me by email tonight I can visit any time and that she gets hooked in the blog. Both were happy thoughts. I wrote to her

"I love seafood and who knows where I will wander off to now that my anchor is raised forever. It pleases me that you enjoy the blog so much. It's what I want it to do, draw people in and make them think ahead a little. I don't do it very well myself.

The blog will have to be my book. I don't have the heart to write one. I am only sorry the mate was reading it and so much of last summer was abreviated to suit him. I wish I had all the little details of the days to remember.

I sit here tonight with a dam behind my eyes and my sinuses "pre-stuffing" knowing that if I so much as think a sad thought I will be sobbing my face off and I just can't stand to cry anymore. I have to try to remember his goal was to make me happy and so I better get happy if I want to honor his memory the right way.

There just is no longer a definition of "happiness" in my life. I don't know what would make me happy - barring the impossible wish. If he wants me to be happy and content he is going to have to help me rediscover what makes me feel that way. It was always just being with him, before.

Not even dark chocolates in a box with the map cheer me up. I don't know where to turn for Happy...."

And I had an email from the new widow saying she liked the blog. She is so torn right now I can't believe she had energy to write back coherently. I admire her for that.

I have been looking at sites of other widows and widowers and support groups but keep shearing off to go my own way in my healing. There are books I am not reading, too. I don't know if I am just being contrary or if it's that I refuse to believe my feelings are duplicated anywhere on the planet. Or maybe I am afraid I will find I didn't show him my love enough while I could.

I don't know. All I know is the last two days have been dark ones. From here tomorrow doesn't look any better. Except I will keep trying to make it better.

It's what you do when you hurt. Hold the hurt part, comfort the hurt part, ease the hurt part, clean and bandage the hurt part, take a pill to ease the pain of the hurt part and then treat it especially carefully until it is better.

Oh. Well now, that's a thought, isn't it? Only I don't know if I am still running cold water over me or if I have reached the pain medication part. Or maybe the dam behind my eyes is the bandage part. I do know that I am at the "be especially careful of it" stage, still. I break easily.

The gypsies interrupted bible study to claim a bath for the midget and my DD. I said fine. I also bitched about the guys in my yard and told her I would be cutting off the power Friday after work. I want to fully encourage them to move on. Then she and the mom said they would be over tonight to visit.....nine pm and no one here yet so I am going to make a call then go visit a friend myself.

Be good to your self and be good to those you love today. Don't forget again that life is to short and "We don't have enough time to not have fun."

You know I've always been a dreamer

spent my life running 'round.

Work was the pits yesterday and I am not sure why unless I dreaded going home so much all day that I just worked myself into a tizzy. I totally lost it on a vendor and a customer and dropped the ball on an order from last week. This is not like me. I like my job really, and do it well with excellent customer service skills and intentions.

I stopped at the local small town grocery on the way home. It was cheaper to pay a little more than it was to drive clear to town. When I got home the dishes needed done and I had the groceries to unload and put away. I was just about through with the one and boiling water for the other when the DD and shorty came over. Then, like the lemmings they appear to be, the gypsy mom followed along behind.

She ran to check on her boiling water and I asked the DD point blank if there was any problem with the deadline I gave her. She says no, they have picked a camp ground. I gave her the information on the trailer again, too. I was glad to hear there would be no trouble with them about leaving and man, will I be glad when they are gone.

The dogs refuse to get used to them running in and out and about midnight thirty last night the dogs went right off the "intruder alert" scale. I grabbed a flash light and went to see what the problem was this time. How about three strange men walking through my yard from their car parked on the side of the road where I couldn't see it...hmmmm? It ticked me off so I put batteries in the camera and sat out in the swing till they left. Hit them with the light and then took a photo. They walked on smooth as silk. But I heard the dad's beeper go off on his walkie talkie phone right as soon as they got in the dark colored SUV and drove away. I hope I annoyed them as much as they annoyed me. I want to KNOW who is at my place! Big GRRRRR here!

But between the intruders and the gypsy visitors I found something fun to play with. I have an old tape recorder the grands didn't want anymore that has been holding up a stack of stuff in the bedroom. I was working on a song I wish I could do with a band and thought I almost had it. Then I remembered the machine so I thought - why not?

I dragged it out, dusted it off, plugged it in, plugged in the mic that came with it and pushed play. There was a tape in it from the great tape hunt I went through last year. The little posts didn't spin. Well darn! I poked around with it and when I unplugged the mic it worked ok. After some more fussing I discover it's "hi-tech" as the off button on the mic shuts it off AND the tape player so you can record, stop and start, from the mic. Cool!

So I hang the mic from the ceiling fan, get the guitar back out and hit the switch. I play my little piece then stop it and listen to the replay. I think I can hit the harmony to this. Normally I can't do harmony to a key I sing in. How do I check this? Thinking - think- think...Ah HA!

I crank up the computer, open the sound recorder, find the blank file I made ten minutes long to do on line wave files and then hook up the speakers in one slot and the mic from the head phones in the other slot.

I sat the headphone mic in front of the tape recorder speaker, turn on the tape to play, reach over and hit the record button on the computer then wait for my spot. I sing the harmony to myself, shut it all down and play back the results on the computer speakers. It's close. A crap recording but enough to let me know where I need to work on my delivery and such. I was actually HAVING FUN! If there is anything I like more than getting a song right it is HEARING me getting a song right.

While it still needs LOTS of work it is so far ahead of where I was a month ago that I have to be pleased with myself. I spent a good chunk of the night taping and working the harmony and the lead vocal of that song and then moved on to one I am writing. It looks like mom may get her tape of my originals back before she dies after all.

I made her one once and took it back to toss on stage to Willie Nelson at the Ionia County Free Fair. It was a wasted effort but I had to try something...LOL. She's been mad at me ever since. I will have to get around and remake it. It's easier than expecting the Library of Congress Find it.

For almost three hours I was totally involved in getting the music right and it felt so good! Even on songs I don't write it takes practice and feed back to get the vocal down. This is the first time I have had it, in however limited a format, in years.

I have to run to some where and get a capo tonight!

one hundred days
of no blue skys
no sun shining
only crying

one hundred days
living alone
It's been one hundred days
that you've been gone

I watched the snow pile up outside
I look and it melts away
I saw the crocus come alive
and I saw the blue birds come to stay
I felt the wind warm on my cheek
and saw the sun passing me by
but none of it touches me
I just sit here
and try not to cry

One hundred days
since you've been gone
I've been alone
and life's all wrong

One hundred days
one hundred lonely nights
and I just want you back
by my side.

I wonder as each day is through
Will I ever get over losing you
I feel no heart for being alive
even sunny days don't light my blues
I try to sing my songs for you
as the wind in the trees sighs
but my voice is choked with tears
because this is the future I fear

Two hundred days
of heartbreak and pain
two hundred days
all just the same
as the hundred days
I've just been through
Will I ever
Darling -
ever
I guess I'll never
get over you.

All alone at the end of the evening

Finally. Friday night was boring, Saturday was difficult. Sunday was hard.

I tried to scare up something to do on Friday night and the best I could come up with was laundry and dishes. The band had a bye weekend so that was out. I needed to go to town but it was too late to get the filter for the mower so I blew it off.

I had the satellite TV shut off Wednesday, instead of 174 channels of nothing to watch I only get two now. I think my antenna is broken someplace. To watch anything I would have to rewire everything through the VCR. I just didn't have the heart for it so I kept the darn thing on low on the public channel I did get and left it on for the dogs.

I printed some of the music I have been finding to relearn and wrote a couple myself, made the first meat I've eaten in a week for dinner. I tried to get a guy I know to look at the mower but he wasn't home, the kids were gone, too. I got to meet his young, over energetic dog, the horse and two goats. That was fun. I left a note and went home.

I went to bed about one. Why so late? The gypsies are using the public john in town, not mine and not the one in the RV. One trip apiece is ten times the dogs go off because someone is pulling in or out of the drive. My bgf, DD, gets home around midnight. Someone has to go get her and bring her back. That's twelve dog alerts. So ya, I was up late again. But the chores were done.

Saturday some friends that used to ride with us (the first to visit me of our riding friends) came over with a push mower thinking we would be able to do the lawn....LOL...4582 sq yards of lawn. The Tuff Guy looked over my cranky mower, made a small adjustment to a spring, and that didn't fix it. His very Sweet Lady and I helped him put it away and we all went in for tea and to visit. They stayed a pretty good while. When they were leaving the DD hobbled through. She had a toe nail lasered out Thursday. She said she'd be back in a couple hours to visit. It was six by then so I made a spaghetti dinner, cleaned up and waited for her instead of going to town.

I waited and waited....ad infinitum. She didn't show. Wrote my third song, all about how some dummy who keeps believing everything his girl says and she never shows and he is finally catching on that she doesn't care about him. LOL. That was easy. I waited out the dog alerts for the night and went to bed.

Sunday the DD made it clear to the kitchen table and we talked over coffee. I explained that the neighbor I ran into at the store told me the kid I don't like is persona non grata around here, known to be a thief and they are afraid to piss him off because is also mean and vindictive. I will not be extending their visit. I want them all gone by next Sunday. I also gave her the contact info for a trailer and a house for rent I had scared up for her. She was just fine with everything. I offered the upstairs again. She said she stays for the baby girl and turned me down again. I am fine with that. She has a life, I have a life, no problem.

The mate's eldest and the boys came in to take another load of stuff from the mate home. I introduced them. Once we were done with our coffee DD left. It's the short person's bday this week but she had her party Saturday. I sent my gift over with the Daring Dame when she left.

The mate's eldest and I commenced tearing up the bedroom, my last bastion of "us-ness". I got rid of t-shirts, jeans, socks and trashed the really worn stuff. Hats! The mate had a hat for every occasion. Those went to the boys to wear fishing and such. Watches, coins, rings and things were mixed in with the ever present pennies and loose screws. The knives were divided up. A pocket comb for everyone appeared in sundry places.

At the end, the dresser was emptied of it's drawer contents and the top was covered with assorted left overs I need more info on. I went back through what I was going to keep and got rid of more. I thought I could use the small pile of jeans and t's when I stop wearing black.

Spiderman, Captain America, Curley from the Three Stooges, GW shirts, the beer shirt, I gave them all to the teens and daughters to wear. There are a couple coats and some boots that need homes but all of it went somewhere.

While we sorted I asked the boys, 15 and 13, to unhook the satellite, rewire the TV to the VCR and figure out how to run movies. I was mostly kidding but the tech gen teens not only did it but did it right, from what I can tell. I sent the BigE to get them pizza for lunch. LittleM cooked them for us while we attacked the upstairs and the boys watched a movie between hauls to the van.

We took a fortifying break and went up to his pool room to get the knick knacks down. Eagles, mascots from the bike, posters, tins, it's almost all gone. I kept one eagle for me that I think I picked up for him, a bronze, unbreakable one. There is a John Lennon photo in black and white, three books, the noisy harley toy that was Dad's, the easy rider poster and one black light poster left there. We dug his tapestries from when he was in Germany out of the cupboard and I let the eldest pick one, then told her to let her sis pick one and give the other to her mom. There was a rain suit and a hunting suit in the attic, too. I sent the hunting suit with the boys and will give the rainsuit to the nephew. The BigE was wearing the camo orange coat when he left. I caught a glimpse of him in the mirror and got a heartache of mis-identification for a second.

We went through what was left of a life time's accumulation of assorted memories and belongings for the man and there is very little I will keep. His eight point buck antler mount, the pocket knife the mate bought dad to go with his "sit and whittle" rocking chair for his last birthday that he then carried till he died I have in my pocket now. I retired my pocket knife and will be getting rid of it to one of the kids. I wear his wedding ring on a leather thong now.

One heavy flannel I won't cut up but will wear when I need to comfort me. All the rest except the tools are going somewhere. When I have time I will sort and thin those, too. We have two of almost everything in the garage so I didn't have to mess with his stuff or so I had bike and truck kits, too. The nephews and the grands will get most of it.

We filled most of the van and there was still too much stuff here. The friend with the goats had found my note and he came over just as they were leaving with it. The day had turned cold and rainy so we gave it a lick and a promise and he and his daughter came in to visit.

We talked a lot and covered a lot of topics. She asked to check her email and I let her. When I found out she didn't have a computer I asked her if she would like one and she thought I was kidding. I ended up giving her the mom's old Toshiba that only runs Win95 but will get on the net. We set it up and found out a cord was missing. I will be getting it back for here today, I hope, or I will order one.

That made her day and got one more thing out of the house. Then I felt much better because instead of being Miss Bitchywhiny all day I got to be the Good Fairy. I like that. Her Dad liked it, too. So I had a smile in my day. That was good because then they left.

I began to survey my poor, trashed domain. There is still too much of him here to avoid; Way too much. Now it is all in the empty spaces on the book shelves, in the movie cabinet, the closet, the empty dresser. It's the "gone-ness" of him now, not the "there but not there" that I was dealing with. And it hurts still. It was supposed to make it easier to come home and it doesn't seem to have worked.

The bedroom gets trashed all the way soon. I will take it right down to the bare walls and floor and rebuild it. The bed has to be replaced because it's old, worn and cheap, not because it was ours. Maybe my sewing machine will take up some of the space that was his. I just can't say yet. I have to get this to be "my home" now and the bedroom "my bedroom". I just don't know how to do it. I never had a real house for a home of my own. It's too big and too empty and yet I don't want to share the space with anyone yet...conundrums abound.

I promised myself that I would avoid any major decisions for six months. So far I have kept that promise but it's been so tempting to just move it all the hell out and move on. This is where I have been happy with the mate. I don't want to leave it.

It is also a three bedroom, two story home with three lots and three out buildings/garages that, if the yard were fenced, would scream "FAMILY" at me even louder. Finances say stay, heart screams run away. It's what I always did best. I learned to stay and face the bad times with the mate. Now I am alone again that old spring itch foot feeling is after me. I don't want to sell in the low market we have here right now. I want the place finished right before I leave it, if I do decide to leave it.

I wonder if a vacation would ease me any. Just some time away from the responsibilities and the needs of the animals and the damn house and I don't see a way to do that either, until the bike sells. I get dizzy trying to plan ahead and so I just shut down and don't do anything.

Then I am back at getting through another Monday, stopping at the store for groceries, dragging myself through getting the mail, mopping the floors when I get home, trying to find something to eat that sounds good, calling another friend for help with the mowers, doing a load of laundry, riding the pedal bike, moving the daffodiles that are done blooming; just finding something to keep busy so I don't just freeze in place and never move again.

It's a mountain of "to do" and a mustard seed of energy in conflict with my lack of interest in the outcome at this time. I have a bad case of "who gives a shit" and "in a hundred years who will care" apathy to fight against and very little will to fight. I just want it all to "Poof!" away.

POOF! you hear me? POOOOOFFF!, I say! Abracadabra!? Alley Oop!? crap. It's still here. I gotta get a new wand....

And I wonder, Wa wa wa wa Wonder - Why?

Name that tune! Another day done, another day begun, another weekend looming with no band to fill it. Probably I will fill it with mowing the lawn even if I have to borrow a mower. I hate the yard looking seedy, especially with the gypsies camped out back. I am looking forward to their leaving but I just know that the people who have not even spoken to me voluntarily in ten days will be asking for more time and more free electricity.

I took some ice cream over last night to make peace. Only the mom and the midget were there. I saw the RV looks every bit as bad as the house did the first time I met these people. This means I can't ask any of the people I know to let them rent or buy from them as they are just trashing the places they live. The mom is still just watching TV all day, via satellite. There are dirty dishes with butts in them piled under the grill outside, inside the whole counter top is taken up by a computer that is half gutted and it is buried under piles of clothes, fast food remains and plastic products to eat on that could be in the cupboards. It's not good. If I think it's bad you would think it was terrible. I have pretty low standards for housekeeping.

The 28th is the three week mark I was told they needed to get into their new place. Now, they tell me, there is a hitch in the plan. Why am I not surprised? I know there is always a glitch to be gotten past in any plan, usually three glitches... So I am waiting to see what they come up with as an alternate plan. I am not going to be able to extend their time more than the end of the month because I know the regular camping areas open May 1st and they are OUT of here. It's all I can do to keep my mouth shut on "helpful" suggestions I want to make.

I did learn that I am not ready to share my space with anyone yet. Not even the yard. I can have visitors but 3 or four days is my limit. I can't take the added stress of adapting to any more new habits just now. I think I could BE a visitor longer but I would'nt bet on it. The mate and I have been cutting vacations short and heading for the house ever since the honeymoon. This place is where I can still be just me, no window dressing, no rules I didn't make and no comments accepted. If I don't like you I can ask you to leave and if I am not having fun I can declare the party over.

At least I am not 22 with two kids or 34 with three teens and trying to do this. I only have myself to keep together. It could be a lot worse. I don't know how the soldier's mates deal with this stuff. I don't know how anyone deals with this stuff. Cripe, if I couldn't go back and read it here I wouldn't know how I dealt with it!

Try to follow this; My sister's first husband's second wife is now also a widow. We lost the ex-brother in law to cancer last week. She is already getting rid of his clothes while I am trying to figure out how many denim and flannel quilt tops I can get out of the mate's leftovers. While his possessions are being passed on more quickly now, I have only been through his drawers to cuss him out for not having more black pocket T's for me to snag. The rest is all still there.

I have always bought men's jeans because they have a waist and length size you can choose from. I hate the mystery sizes of women's clothes, especially the jeans. I want something my size, not my AGE! Until they make them in 36-42/32 L, so I can get a waist and hip that fit as well as a length to fit over my boots, I will continue to buy men's jeans. Plus they seem to have a heavier construction and hold up better to the extremes I put my clothes through.

Now the mate, like many men with a spare tire, wore his jeans on his hips, not his waist. His hip size was smaller than my waist at one time. So I figure on using those jeans someday when I get over this dressing in black thing I am on right now. And a T shirt is a t shirt, if it has a pocket I will keep it and wear it, if not, I will get rid of it.

I have wanted a denim and flannel quilt forever because I like hundred pound blankets on me at night. So I will be making a memory quilt of his clothes, not tossing them out. Most of them are too worn at the neck or buttons to be reused anyway. And even 87 days later (my math is messed up someplace on the days) I am not ready to have the bed room go all female on me. Not going to happen. I need the feel of my man in the room when I try to sleep at night.

So she is way ahead of me in some ways and I wonder, again, if I am just being strange to keep trying to live in the 'it was always like this before' days of my life. I am moving on and him out of the house but it's going to be awhile before its all gone. I can't even think about that now. It's bad enough in the garage. He is ALL of the garage. But I need those tools to use still, even if it's a "rent a fixer" using them. What am I supposed to do to change it? Paint them all Pink? Ick.

Ah, the vital questions of life! I can redo the budget for the entire nation easier than I can tell you how to deal with making a garage feel less like his and make it yours. Who am I to tell you anything anyway? What am I doing out here in public spilling my guts to the world? When will gas go back to a dollar a gallon? When will I have a windmill powered mower? Where is my flying car? Doesn't anyone console widows anymore to bilk them of their insurance money?

Maybe I better stop now, I am just getting wilder. I wonder about me lately. If you're ok, what am I? LOL!

She's got a ticket to ride

OK, I skipped Easter so please accept my make up post.

I call it "Fun things to do when you are making a baby" and I stole it. If it's yours, let me know and I will link to it properly. I think it was supposed to be "Easter egg hidden in the daisies.....LOL.

Now that I have that out of the way - It's taking longer than I planned to get my thoughts straight on the GF post, bear with me, please.

Last night my biker uncle caught me just before I left work. We visited a little and then I had to scoot. I went home and got my bike out then took some flyers over to leave with the bike; Contact info and all that. I have to go there and give that thing a proper cleaning. I was too upset to get it right the other day and I can't sell a dirty bike, the mate would gripe at me forever! I called the BB to see if he wanted to meet for dinner as I was going for a ride that direction. Only a machine. Hum Bug!

Rode north up to a little diner we used to visit a lot as we only lived about two blocks from it years ago. Had breakfast for supper and then took the scenic route home. Followed the signs for a pole barn sale and they were closed when I got there. No big whoop, I was just riding to ride, anyway. It happened to be the reverse of the route we rode the night the mate let me test ride The Black.

The deer were enjoying the lovely weather, too. Saw more than a few, less than a herd. They were kind enough to stay off the road for me. Saw a ring necked pheasant male, pretty, and a whip poor will as well as several circling buzzards. I wanted to stop at the creek but there was someone fishing so I skipped it.

It was 21 years ago today that the mate and I worked out the conflict in our past, realized we were still in love - so much so that before the ride on that beautiful Harley was over that he asked me to wait for him till his kids were grown and I said I would. Talk about your emotional stupidities....what a pair of goofs we were. To think that one talk for 5 hours would be enough to know you want to spend the rest of your lives together...What were we thinking!?

Actually, we were both thinking the same thing. We screwed up big time as teens and let peer pressure and immature anger wreck a really good thing. In just that one talk we both knew we would never be happy with another partner. It had to be me and it had to be him and that was all she wrote. Looking back at it today I can't believe how certain we were that we had to be together. Fourteen years and two big fights later there we were, just as deeply in love as we ever were.

I will be riding some of the places tonight that we went then. Some years we could ride this date and some we could not, I always rode behind him. I think the most revealing and romantic thing he told me was that before he came to meet me that afternoon he was going to take the back rest off his bike so I would have to hold on to him. That was his answer to me when I asked, "Is this ok or am I crowding you too much?" as we flew over the roads. You couldn't get a knife blade between us that day..LOL or ever. I was snugged right up to his back and resting my head on his shoulder so I could chat in his ear as we rode.

So yes, it was love at first sight the first time and the second and last time. It does happen, it can work and I wish all of you a love like ours.

It's going to be a hard and lonely ride tonight but I just have to. It was sunny and 80 degrees that day, with a rainbow dog around the sun and an earth tremor near the pond as we walked that we quipped was our feelings making the earth move as we wandered the paths of our youth. You only get one like that and it should be remembered and celebrated. So I will remember the day and my man, even if it makes me bleed tears - they will be tears of love.

so see me later, I 'm grieving again, sorry.

Bring it on home to me

Ok, I confess. I hate schedules. I not only didn't finish the Good Friday post yet but I didn't even get the weekend on here. And Monday..... Very sorry all. Thngs started out crappy Saturday morning and continued well into today so I was avoiding writing about it till I could do it without going out of my head with grief. I think I can do that now. If not this post may end for no apparent reason. So let's start with the last fun I had...

Instead of finishing the post Friday I went to hang with the band. It was fun all over again but their women hadn't come so I sat alone and could sing all I wanted to. By the last set I had worked up the nerve to try one with them and was thinking of what they might know that I could remember all the words to. I kept drawing a blank. Anyone who has tried to think of one song while another is playing will tell you it's normal.

So they get me up there and I am stalling for time to pick when the fiddler says, "How about "Your Cheatin Heart"?" I felt just like the kid in "A Christmas Story" where Santa says,"How about a football?' and the elf tosses the kid down the shoot whereupon he panics and crawls back up to say he really wants the Red Ryder BB gun. I was still trying to crawl up the shoot to pick another song and next thing you know, here we go!

It was ok and they swung it pretty good. I hit two sour notes but got the rest off ok, only the singer had turned down the volumn on the mic, we could hardly hear me. I got done and was, like, so grossed out. I could not believe I had even sung such an old antique standard. But the newest song I know is at least 20 years old....shrug.

I figured on going home to work up the lyrics on one they did already and getting a do over on Saturday night. The Brother Boy was down right evasive so we didn't chat much. I was worried I had over annoyed him by suggesting "Gloria" (G-L-O-R I A) earlier. That one is really stale. But I was partying with the old fiddler, I want some accoustic time with him! The drummer was fun, too, so the BB being out behind the barn all night was ok.

I had a drink and a half all night but had two of the large, frosted mug ice water. None of the band drinks but I know the bar has to make some money so I buy light then tip well and most of the time that keeps the bartender happy enough to not mind me hanging out. I enjoyed a couple of tunes they got really right enough to chill my spine a little and went home content.

The weekend began with a late uprising, as I prefer and I looked out the window to realize it's spring. My heart is still encased in iced over snow drifts but the world goes on. My crocus have been and gone, the daffodiles and narcissus are nodding out slowly and the tulips and lilacs are in bud. The grass has grown, the weeds of crab in the gardens are up and I thought I would get the little mower out and whack them off. I finished my coffee and got to it.

The garage opens to reveal the big mower in front with the snow blower on it. It may have to stay that way forever because I don't know how to drop it and the mower deck needs to be gone through before being put back on. No problem, I knew that and was just going to get the other mower out. Except the lawn tractor that worked just fine all winter for the mate won't start for me. I open the tool garage and get the battery charger out, run a cord for power and hook it up. It says the battery is just fine. WTF!?

Ok, enough time wasted here. I push it out of the way and am confronted by the wheel barrow full of yardsale stuff I put away last fall.... It's all going to the junk store anyway, I think, and I have three more boxes on the back porch I want out of there so, I thinks to me, I will just back up the truck and load it all up. Which I do. All of it.

Then I find the boxes of camping gear that have to be gone through and that I could not find when the power went out. I go through them, fondling the can of spam and two cans of soup that the mate picked for emergency rations, celebrating over the bungee cords I have looked all over for, and, finally, collapsed on the hood of the little mower in grief when I pick up the hand ax the mate used for everything when we camped and the folding army style shovel he liked so much, wondering where to put them.

It was just too much. I had been at this for two hours. By now the mate would have been racing me around the yard on the mowers and we would be half done. I still hadn't reached the machine I wanted to get out. I am not supposed to have to do this alone, we did spring maintainence together. Which meant I made an extra pot of coffee, handed tools, filled the gas, turned keys and held this here, while he tinkered everything back to life from a long winter's hibernation.

I was so frustrated. He and his Bro had torn the tool garage all the way down and re-arranged it with a new work bench late last fall and I can't find a damn thing when I used to know where everything was. It is another irritation to an already over sensitive heart as I cussed under my breath and asked him where the f they put the blankety charger thing I can't find. The garages were his domain. I visited. Now I am the sole user. It feels so wrong. The bike with no battery in it stares back at me while I tearfully look for the funnel I want.

I stopped crying and put the wheel barrow out by the side of the garage. I have finally reached the little mower. I get on it, run the throttle a couple times to get the gas going, turn the key and it tries to start....but won't. I pushed it ahead and look it over. There is a small vise grip on the gas line. I take it off and work the kink out of the line. Now I get it to start. Yay! One thing worked for me, I thought.

I drive it out of the garage and shut it off, turn on the air compressor, air the tires, fill it with fresh gas, check the oil, make sure the plug wire is on tight and close it all up. I went in for a quick smoke and a cuppa before I start mowing, find a hat and sunglasses and come back out all ready for two hours of bouncing over the yard.

I get it started and take it around front, engage the blades, put it in level 3, gear 4 and take off...sort of. She is rolling but if it's an 80 horse power engine I think 75 of the horses are dead. I lower the gear to 3 and raise the blades to 4 and try again. She goes about 1 mph for 20 feet or so and then starts to loose power altogether. I put in the clutch and she gets back her wind, I let out the clutch and she does it again.

In two more hours I have mowed about 40 minutes worth of lawn. I have checked everything I can think of, had her back to the garage and WD-40'd everything that moves. Oiled the throttle cable, check the belts, blew out and replaced the air filter and she still won't go. When we put this machine away last year she would race circles around the big mower she was so fast and now I can't even get up to a slow walk.

I finally got the area in front of the house done and parked it. I went inside to roust out some help. No one is anywhere, of course, because they are all out riding on such a beautiful day. Where I would rather be... The nephew in law skipped out on a bday party for his nephew and rode his bike over to try and help me get it going. He tore the carbs down and put them back together for a result of 0 improvement. We both felt badly then.

He helped me get the big mower to the back of the garage and I got the rest of the stuff put away while he cleaned up. We locked it all down. I sent him back to his party with a roll of quarters to keep on the bike for emergency money and gave up for the night. I have to replace the air filter and spark plug on the mower that almost works and then I am out of ideas.

I went in and made something to eat but continued to grieve and finally decided I wasn't fit company for man nor beast and went to bed. I wanted to go back to the music but I really couldn't stop crying and I was butt ugly by then so I just tucked all the animals in and shut the place down.

Sunday I started to finish the Friday post and remembered I was supposed to be at the Sister's for Easter dinner. I shut down, got around and went. It was cold so I took the truck. We had good time, nice visit, only short one nephew and family. My mom was at #1Son's wife's family dinner. The little ones had an egg hunt that was funny to watch. Dinner was my favorite, glazed ham and scalloped potatoes. There was cake and ice cream for the Niece's bday for dessert.

Everything was going along just fine and the bro in law carried in some warm soda's to put to chill in the fridge and I lost it. He was running back up for the team while the Sis was silly with the little ones and it was so much like the mate would do, just keep things going while we played, not looking for gold stars or even saying he did it, just doing it. I lost it, made fast polites and left for home, crying again.

I didn't feel like doing anything, I couldn't concentrate to read, and I tried to watch a movie, "Easter Parade", of course, but was really just staring at the walls. I called the Uncle but he was partying with the family. I talked to the kids but it was not a day to be bothering people with my needs. I let them go with a promise to get up there sometime soon.

I decided no one was going to fix me for me so I got up and went to town to get the battery for the mate's bike, the spark plug for the mower and some carb cleaner. If I was going to be miserable I may as well be useful and do the things I had been putting off. I had to make three stops because the battery I needed was out of stock. I hate that. Remembered I needed batteries for the cameras and picked them up, too then hurried home. I had cried all the way through all the stores.

First the Dad at the claw machine set me off, winning a bunny for his kid. The mate was a claw addict. Then picking the right plug and battery by myself with no note to tell me which one. I can use the code books but I never had to, the mate knew all the numbers. We were a team and I am feeling the loss more every day. I was almost hysterical when I got home because I knew I would have to fill and charge the damn battery for the bike and that meant finding the trickle charger. I would have to gap the plug for the mower and that meant finding the gauges and I was so missing him.

I let the dogs in and put my stuff down in the kitchen. I happened to notice I had a message. I was praying for it to be anyone I could talk to because I needed a hand here. I was not getting under control and I was caring less and less if I did or not. It was the Brother Boy. I called him right back, even with the garage lights on and the door open, waiting for me to start the hunts.

Bless the poor man. I was so glad it was him. He has been dealing with the loss of a child and has been through the end of a long term relationship so I at least feel like he can grasp what I am trying to express. I see the pain in him, too. He stayed on the phone with me for an hour I bet. I got chilled out and under control again, finally, and ran out of whines.

I went out to the garage, put on my, WWTMD? thinking cap, found the trickle charger, put the acid in the battery, found the tool to set the plug gap and then left the battery to charge over night. I shut it down and went back to the house. Tearless this time because I could hear the mate in my head. You don't have to believe me, but I found everything in the first place I looked and didn't get any battery acid on me; Proof enough for me.

I dragged out Monday feeling like a half drowned cat and work was humming. When I got home I let the animals in, fed them and headed right for the garage. I was just opening the back door and almost fell into the arms of the male of my friends in deed, The Knockouts. I have landed at their home twice now, too messed up to drive and they have comforted me so I could go home. Now they were here to help with the bike. It is their yard I will be putting it in on a busy main road to sell it. They will keep it locked up and show it for me. I will provide info and contact sheets they can give potential buyers.

We went out to the garage and I explained I was just unhooking the trickle charger and getting the one with the gauge to check that the battery had really charged. Where I was just fine alone there with a male watching I got all clumbsy and stupid. He finished putting the cables on the battery while I hunted up the nut I dropped.

The Black fired right up, of course, for him and he pulled it out where I could wash it. Then he fiddled with the mower and put the new spark plug in for me while I dragged out the hose and got the bucket of hot, soapy water. We set it up for them to bring me back home and they left me scrubbing the bugs off the mate's ride.

As soon as they made the corner and were gone the sobs started. I could have skipped the hot water and used tears instead. My God it hurt to know the mate was never going to mount that beloved machine again and that I would never spar with him over cleaning the hated chrome or waxing under the nasty luggage rack while he smiled to see me loving him by cleaning his bike.

I got through it, loaded the intercom helmets up, mine in the trunk, his to wear, made sure the owner's manual was in there and that the tool kit was up and at the bottom of the saddle bag found my always lost gold cross pen. I pulled the last piece of me and the mate out of the bike and ran for the house.

I got my coat, pulled the key rings apart and put a set together to leave with the bike, got my sunglasses and went back out to face it.

The setting sun hit the black and glowed gold and pink in the paint, it looked lovely standing there. I closed up the garages and lit a smoke then got on the bike. She was heavy for me. I contemplated the exit I had to hit between the gypsy cars as I lifted the mate's helmet and put it on. I tightened the strap to fit me.

After all the dinking around I did it was a pleasure to turn the key and hear her fire right up. The steady roar of the engine echoed off the garages and beat at me. I put her in gear and rode out of the yard. She handles lower and heavier than my bike but we made the corner and the next two to get out of town.

I put her through the gears hard and fast pulling away from the stop sign to get that riding hard rythym out of her and we were doing 80 when I looked. I watched for deer, admired the sunset and talked to the mate in my head to keep my face on.

We swooped the curves and blasted onto the main road for one last gear jam then I pulled into my friend's driveway, turned it off, took off the helmet, pulled the keys and got off. I sat the helmet on his seat, turned my back and walked away.

It's done.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off

and start all over again. It seems like that sometimes. Like I have to keep getting knocked down by the strenght of my feelings of saddness and grief just when I think I have it back under control. I feel like I have to keep grabbing for my bootstraps and pulling myself back together over and over. I feel too alone in a world of people together and don't have the mate here anymore to pick me up and help me dust off. I am grateful to have the supportive family and newly dug up old friends to turn to.

After I ripped the gypsies a new one and they got their shit straight Monday, I played the guitar, it was screwed up somehow and needs fixed, so I gave that up and went to bed. The hormone season stuck me that night. (Tuesday, early am, FMI.) So yes, I raged at them during the full surge of my PMS/menopause. Tough. No regrets. It's fixed now.

When I got home Tuesday night the place was quiet, no car there, so they were gone. I got the roast beast out and heated it, set up lettuce leaves and tomato slices, condiments and etc. for dinner with the Sister, Mom and Cousin Kay before bible study. Kay was running late but Mom and Sis got there almost on the dot, for them.

We had just started eating when the dogs go off and the bgf, DD, the Mom and the short person of the gypsies come in the back door. I bit my tongue and introduced them. Now I had told DD that I was mopping because Tuesday was Bible Study...She forgot, of course. They were going to invite me to eat with them. I told them thanks, maybe another time. Mom got to meet Shorty and they left. I prayed for patience under my irritated breath. I hate eating in front of people and I hate hot food cold. I hate everything this week it seems and I hate THAT! It's not my normal attitude at all.

We had finished up King David's tales in Samuel 1 and 2. Because of the things I had tried to share from my NDE we were going to study John next, in the New Testament. We didn't make it through 8 verses in two hours. To read about the near death experience it's these three posts: 1, 2, 3 .

Normally I leave this stuff off the blog, it's not my job to tell anyone how to believe or to believe at all in gods, hell, fairies, or an afterlife. I have to work that out for myself. But someone asked me to try to write down what we talked about so he could read it later. I am putting it here on Good Friday. You are welcome to skip it if it bothers you.

They left and I tried to figure out the problem with the guitars, now they are both acting up. I gave up and worked my songs accapella then called it a night about eleven.

Yesterday I left work early to get to the bank before they closed. I went home and got the bike first so it was a hustle to make it on time. There was a message to call a friend of mine. She invited me to dinner for tonight (Fri.) I was trying to figure out how to cram in getting groceries, smokes, dinner and going to hear the band again. I said yes, anyway, because I could blow off chores and just do dinner and the band if I had to. I got old blue out and she started right up. It was beautiful out and I didn't get wet. I still made the bank on time, then I raced home to feed the animals and change vehicles.

I had a dinner date with the mate's nephew and his girl at their new home. He is just so proud of himself right now. This is the boy that got to skip the last month of classes in automotive repair. He got a job with one of the biggest car dealers in the area. It starts at a low rate of pay and is doing oil changes to start. But if he is advanced according to his abilities he will be moving up soon, I predict. He likes the work, they have their own place now and they are happy. I was loving listening to him because he sounded so positive and upbeat.

The kid has had it rough and he is doing this on his own with a little help from his Dad for tools. I love watching the self confidence develop in him. His girl works in security and they are close enough to working the same shift that there is part of everyday for them to be together. The white boxer female they got from us at Christmas is doing well and a great little guard dog/entertainer. It was a fun time.

We had a nice dinner and visited after for awhile. They are back in BFE on a nasty dirt drive and winter worn gravel roads. I wanted to leave while it was light out and was glad I brought the little 4WD. He loves the place because he has a shed for his tools and it is the last place on the drive so working on cars at home won't cause trouble with the neighbors.

I got home about nine and was just too tired to care. I got the laundry started, skipped the music and pouted at the guitars. I broke out my collection of mysteries and read for awhile then went to bed. No big whoop, but no stress from the gypsies, either. I had a little trouble this week making myself go right home but made a call to a friend and talked myself through it.

It's just been really busy and my head is spitting out songs and what if's on the spiritual level faster than I can write them down. A couple of them are even good, I think. What isn't getting posted here is the conversations in my head that seem to be running 24/7 right now. I am still pretty blue but I made it through another week. That gives me hope for making it through the next one.

When I realized this morning that today was Good Friday I decided I am only working part of the day. I had two calls to return and one order to take care of and the phone has only rung once
in three hours. I think I will hit the boss for a full day paid for working me a holiday. LOL.

Eight days of the week

I am wishing there were eight days lately. It seems like my wish to stay busy has been just a little over granted. Then there are nights, like last night, where I just can't deal with it anymore and I go to bed at eight o'clock because I just can't keep my eyes open.

Monday really was busy at work and I got out a little late. When I got home I laid right into chores, let the dogs in and fed them, the cats the same, tossed them all out again and put the rugs into the washer and the load of them from the night before into the dryer then ran the vac and mopped my butt off. I had not had dinner or even a smoke yet because I wanted to be done before the gypsies needed to get in for the shower.

I was just finishing up the mopping and I looked out the window to see the gypsy Mom and Dad, using pistols that shot yellow rubber pellets, running joyfully around my yard actually shooting at each other. Having a great time while I clean up the extra mess from having 5 more people running in and out of my house and trying to time it so they could get in at a reasonable hour.

I look over behind them. The RV has not moved, the cars have not moved and there is no generator. They didn't have time to do any of the things they told me they would and they had no time to say they were not coming to dinner but they have time to PLAY? They have time to play and I am working my butt off.....What's wrong with this picture?

I'll tell you what is wrong with it. I was getting walked on and treated like shit. I am not stupid. I have been taken advantage of before. Mooches, leeches, down right blood suckers, I have had them in the past. I know it when I see it. It doesn't belong here in my home. I think the thing I was most bothered by is the lack of respect or basic courtesy toward me.

I lost it. I put the mop down and went flying out the front door like the wicked witch of the west on turbo. I cut loose on both of them. I told them that they had not done even ONE thing they said they would do since they got there, including moving the RV off the drain field, or letting me know why it wasn't done when they said they would. I was not to be disrespected in my own home. If they could not treat me with basic courtesy then they could pack and roll because I was not going to deal with being walked on in my own home. They could have at least told me they weren't coming to dinner and I would not have kept others and myself waiting for them.

But...bu...b....I get from them. I couldn't move the RV alone, he says. I say it only has to be driven 60 feet? Right, only had to be driven! he snaps. She says I got us dinner somewhere else. You could have told me, I snap back. Fine, he says, I'll move the damn thing right now. She says nothing but follows him to the RV. I stalk toward the house but hear him screaming I threw his kid out Sunday where upon I stomp right back and scream to him through the door that I ASKED her to leave because I was sending more of my dead husband's things out of my home and wanted to do it with my kids, that I only see about eight times a year, PRIVATELY, not with an audience and if he had a problem with THAT he was welcome to step back OUTSIDE and explain it!

I was tight as a drum. My hands were clenched and I was on the balls of my feet with my knees flexed and my teeth gritted. I wanted the fat slob to come back out. Who was he to tell me when his family would be in my home and when they would not? No one has made me angry since the mate died and I would love a chance to blow all the anger in my system totally off. Yes, I meant physically. I haven't had to fight much in my life - but I don't lose.

DD said something to him and no one answered me, but she came out. I invited her inside and went back to the house just STEAMING! She strolled along behind me.

I got my smokes and flung myself into the recliner while she took the end of the couch. I wasn't done and she knew it so she just sat there and let me get my rant out. I ended it by telling her that I knew she had hung out with these people a long time but that she could have the upstairs - rent free- as long as she needed and they could be sent packing. I thought her friends were low life trash, dragging her down, and did NOT know why someone like her would even hang with them. And I am leaving out several things here that are illegal and morally incorrect here that really piss me off that they have done in my presence. Why? Habbit, I guess. Never leave written evidence...

So she sat there and listened. We can't move the RV without the battery from the car.
If he would have said so I have two trucks WITH batteries, I replied.
We were waiting for the boyfriend's truck to be un-impounded to get the generator. (that was Friday, driving on suspended and no insurance with a minor female aka the Teen in the truck. Her folks had to go to a town about 50 miles away to pick her up. Yes, he is still here, too.)
I offered to let you use my truck, is my answer, but you didn't go and then it was time for work.
I didn't know about the dinner or the Teen and baby getting asked to leave, she says.
Why should you have to? The Mom can't stroll over 30 feet to say thanks, but we have other plans? It's a crime to say you want someone to leave your home for a while, you'll see them at supper?

I told her these were all room mate problems and could still be worked out. She could go and explain to them that I do NOT do stress or unhappiness at home, that I will not be ignored and disrespected or treated rudely and why I felt treated that way. Then find out if a place to stay meant enough to them that they would modify their behavior toward me.

The Dad had offered to help with the repairs on the house but if he didn't do what he said he would in the four days they had been here, why would I think he would ever do any of the repairs. And I told her I was sorry I felt that way about her friends but they did not have "good people" status with me and likely never would. I also told her I didn't want to see those damn pistols anywhere near my animals, the neighbor kids were bad enough. I was not calling the cops, social services or anyone else but the boyfriend is not welcome in my home.

She went out, after apologizing for all of them, and you know, it's funny. In less than a half hour they were moving the RV, and they ASKED if where they were parked was ok, I said yes. And they moved the tent, and the refridgerator, and the misc. boxes and the poor dog. All the stuff they hadn't done in three days was done in about two hours. About 10:30 I was at the sink and see the Dad trying to line up the satillite dish.....hmmmmm. Weird. Not enough money to run the generator all the time but enough for a SAT TV hook up? So they are still plugged into my power? I am not liking this at all.

So why did I not just send them on their merry way? They have a two year old and a dog. I had a two year old and a cat once. I owe some pay it forwards. And how about, "as you do unto the least of these" and "love thy neighbor as thyself" and the golden rule? Do I want to be the kind of person who leaves a friend in the lurch? Am I any better than they are just because I can now pay my bills and haven't been "between houses" in years? Nope. I lived in a 17 foot camper with the mate and two 16 year old girls for nine months. It is do-able. It is not fun.

I am trying to really learn how to love my neighbor because I believe each life here is powered by the the big love and is part of that big love, no matter how small or strange that life form appears to me here in it's flesh. But that is Tuesday's story.

Sunday morning, comin' down

Sorry, all, that I haven't been here. I have actually been working at work and home has been busier than I am used to, too.

Sunday I was ready for the kids to come and then remembered the bro in law was supposed to be back to finish the sumps. I had just gotten respectably dressed and poured my second cup of coffee when the bfg, Daring Dame, came wandering in with the short person in tow. I had already noted that as soon as one of them showed up the rest follow, like lemmings or locusts or something, so I wasn't totally surprised when the mom and the dad, about 2 minutes apart, came knocking at the back door or when the teen, about four minutes after that, came to the front door. But the dogs went off every time! The quiet of my morning was shattered four times because they can't just all come in a lump....arg!

As I mentioned last time, I had a plan I thought we could all live with. If we put the RV behind the house and between the drain fields they would be closer to the power and the water. It would be easier to run to the showers and such. With the cars parked in the drive they would be walking thru the back alley so I would know when they were home or not and the house would look more like company visitors than white trash heaven.

While we are discussing them moving the RV and vehicles from the flat lands and parking in the drive way and such they are planning who is going to work, who is doing laundry, who is moving RV and getting the (invisible still today) generator out of storage. The chatting got intertwined until I could just barely track it.

DD got herself a cup of coffee, the rest didn't ask or I would have made more. She drank it off, asked to use the shower and left. As they got the assignments sorted out I told them I was cooking down a big roast for hot beefs, they were invited for dinner. I had bread and said if they wanted buns instead they would have to get them while they were out because I had people coming over and wouldn't be at the store that day.

The Mom left saying she was going to get dressed and get the laundry around. The Dad, The Teen and the short person were still sitting at the table. I had given the little one about 30 pennies and a plastic bank. She was content putting them in, getting the Teen to dump them out and reloading the bank. The brother in law and sis arrived. Bro went straight to the basement. Sis came over and got introduced but there was no place to sit.

I suggested the Dad and I discuss the location of the RV and headed out the back door with him and sis. I showed him where it was safe to drive and gave them choice of a large area to park. The Dad said he was going to get the RV ready to move and left.

Sis and I went back in, I made a second pot of coffee and we sat at the table. My #1Son and crew showed up before we even settled in. I introduced them to the girl and shortie and then asked the teen if "you could please take a hike so I could visit with my kids and I would see her later." This, later, causes more trouble....

My boy was there to do the same thing the mate's youngest did on Saturday, take home the things he had given the mate and the things I think the mate would have given him. Only he was getting the computer and games, third only to the bike and I in the mate's affections, and very hard for me to let go. Another large and very empty space was going to be created in my home again and I was trying very hard to stiff upper lip it. It's not something I wanted to share with accquaintences.

The kids brought the yummy bagels I love and that dad loved so. #1Son went up to disassemble the machine. Sis, DIL, grand and I visited and nibbled our treats. DD came to say she was leaving and they would get the compressor tomorrow while the grand was screeching because I was trying to hold her while her mom used the bathroom. She said "oh poor baby" and the cussed little thing went right to her and quit crying. We all laughted. DD handed her back to her mom and left for work.

When the coffee was done I got a cup for the Bro and went down to see what was happening. The sis ended up on a parts run after her coffee but by the end of the day the sumps were functioning legally and I was happy. Now I have to add some cement to corners and slope the floors a little better this summer and, with new guttering, I should have the basement under control. The furnace guys have dinked me around so badly I am waiting till high summer to buy a furnace when they are on sale and it doesn't matter how long the install takes. If anyone has already done the research on propane vs. fuel oil vs. electric I would love to know what you picked. With prices for gas like they are I am thinking electric heat and a big generator outside would be more economical in the long run.

I will be buying some cheap floresents for the basement, the 48" size, to improve the lighting, I am scraping all the junk out and going to ask the nephews to haul the old water conditioner out for me for junk day the end of this month and run the shop vac down there. I think about 2 cans of spray foam and 5 gallons of cement paint in light grey and it will be nicer to be down there in a tornado or what ever. With the cement ledges clean, I can even store some of my canning and planting supplies in small crates down there. What a concept!

The #1Son got the stuff all boxed and bagged up from the desk then loaded his car. My roast was about ready. The Bro was done and I couldn't thank them enough for their help. The kids decided to leave and we blew off moving the desk just yet. I waited a little but the gypsies didn't show so we ate without them. The bro and sis and I made small talk and enjoyed the meal.

They wandered back to their own life and I put everything away, did the dishes and planned on doing the floors Monday, like always, for bible study on Tuesday. The RV never moved. I never heard a generator starting up and no one ever came over to say they were not coming to dinner. I was annoyed but blew it off, got out the guitar and practiced. It went pretty well. I am realizing I need to know exactly what medication to take to keep my sinus and allergy problem under control to sing. Benedryl puts me to sleep now so I need something else.

I get a phone call from the #1son. The monitor is not working. It works with his laptop but not the computer it came with....This totally ruins my night. We try a few things and reboot. Nothing. So I tell him tear it all apart, put it back together and reboot then call me. Meanwhile I grumbled to the mate about how everytime we did this for the boy something screwed up and if he would just take a minute and quit being angry about something he wouldn't be able to use anyway I'd like very much for this to NOT be a problem.

The #1Son didn't follow instructions but did plugged the monitor back into the video card. It must have not been seated well even though we had already done that twice. Right? Because when he called to say it was up he told me he turned it on it worked like it never had a problem. I felt much better but a little spooky.

I gave up on the DD visiting after work and finally talked myself into going to bed about 12:30. Then I told the mate a proper thank you and cried myself to sleep.

I am a happy wanderer

Well, I'm not, but I still have friends that are. I used to be a wanderer but I think it would be a lot stranger now than it was when I was younger. Now I just head for the house because I know the rules there and I can change them anytime I want to if I don't like them. I don't fit in well anywhere but here anymore so that's where I stay.

I got home Friday to find my bgf Daring Dame and company had put up a tent and parked their cars right on one of our many drain fields and about two feet from the road. I was NOT happy. This would have been avoided if she had made it over or even called to talk before they got here but I feel like she was avoiding me and I have been ignored about everything after the word "yes" when she asked if they could put an RV out here for three weeks.
It's not a good feeling. There is no generator out there yet and they blew the breaker three times yesterday. That means coming in, going down to the basement and tracking up the floors. One of them used the shower and left it just any old way. There is no holding tank for black water on the RV. All of them used the bathroom all day and I was out of sorts that they kept knocking on the door and setting the dogs off when I told them just come in. This could have all been avoided if we had worked out the details first; including my bad feelings about my new neighbors.

On top of everything else, the dogs don't seem to like the husband....I think that bothers me more than all the rest. My dogs like almost everybody they meet.

The mate's youngest was over yesterday to take some more "inheritance" home and to her sister's house in the middle of all this and my eldest daughter called. There was stuff all over the house to be packed up and people running in and our with the eldest taking time to talk with both of us through all the confusion and it was just a little crazy making.

(Just FYI, these are all "my kids", I use the terms I do to tell them apart for you. We all love each other the best we can for as different and far apart as we are. I don't want anyone thinking I don't love them all. I am grateful and glad for every bit of love and respect any of them has for me because I do not always deserve it and have not always earned it but they have given it to me anyway. Bless all their pointy little heads! I love everyone of them deeply, including my "east coast child" that I never see. I have truely been blessed with my children and can't tell you how much comfort, joy and fun they bring into my life as the intelligent, caring, thoughtful, helpful adults they have grown to be. None of us are perfect and we have our spats but through it all we are there for each other and a family. (brag over) )

I finally had enough of the running in and out and confusion. They were all out of the house so I got around to go hear the band the Brother Boy plays in. I locked up the house and rolled. I was glad I went. They cover a lot of styles and types of music, the Brother Boy is an amazing lead guitarist and the other guitar player was excellent, too. The bass just hung back and layed down the bottom, the drummer was right on top of it and never dragged, the fiddle player sat there and never even looked excited but had some licks that curled your hair! They were a little rough on the first set but by the last set they were tight and the small crowd was all theirs.

The crowd was small because the bar is barely as big as my house. It's in a town that's only business appears to BE the bar and lasts for less than a mile if you go by on the main road. The bartenders were very good and I tipped well, enjoyed the people I met and had a lot of fun just soaking up the tunes.

For my own amusement and that of the fiddler, who encouraged me by laughing, and to annoy the Brother Boy, who ignored me, I spent my time thinking up the oldest, moldiest rock and roll or pop tunes I could and calling them out for requests. The Brother Boy finally grinned and played a lick of Crimson and Clover in the second set, so I knew he was playing with me inside his head but couldn't admit he even knew half the songs I called up.

I did not sing with the band. Bro had offered and I thought about it hard but I am not ready to try it with a band as tight as that and fail. I will be cranking up the mic and getting a stand for it and working that guitar to be ready for next time. I still have trouble getting through songs without setting myself up to cry because they hit a part that makes me miss the mate.....whom I am still missing, yes. I have just been trying to find something else to talk about for a change.

I love the feel of the music holding me up while I dig deep for the meaning of the tunes I am singing and watching a crowd start digging it and grooving to it and dancing. Throw in a tight harmony and I am IN IT! The zone. That's what I miss, the chills that run up your back when the breaks are clean and the vocals are right on and the drummer is moving you while the bass vibrates in your head and you are not just people playing music for a lot of people to listen to, but a unit producing music and a second unit, we call it a crowd, reflecting their joy in the tunes back to you.

The energy a crowd puts into dancing and beating time fuels the band to get it tighter and cleaner and that makes the crowd wilder and it is a cycle of celebration of being alive that is unique every time it happens.

I closed out a bar for the first time since 1985, but I was sober. I had two drinks and a large water back for the night and stretched them thin so I could drive home. I hate drunk drivers. I was more worried about being up past my bedtime. I was a little sleepier than I like. The cold temps helped.

If you live in Michigan and want to hear a hot band next weekend they play one more time before a summer of parties, weddings, pig roasts and biker events. Email me and I will send you a map.

I got home late and no one has bothered me all morning, the boy is coming to get some stuff today and I will get to spend some time with them. The bro in law is coming back to finish the sumps up and now I have to go out and get the damned gypsies to move off my drain field. I think I have a plan we can all live with.

Oh happy day! Have fun, all!

I'm gonna sit down in the kitchen

get me something good to eat... Around here this one is called "The Friday Song".

As I wandered around the blogs today I found another meme. So to make an easy day of it for me here you go....

THE SOUNDTRACK OF MY LIFE
Opening Credits: A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes
Waking-Up scene: Blue Skies
Average Day scene: Here Comes that Rainy Day Feeling Again
Best-friend scene: Feeling Groovy
First-date scene: Magic Carpet Ride
Falling-in-love scene: Leader of the Pack
Love scene: The first time Ever I Saw Your Face
Sex scene: Light my Fire
Fight-with-friend scene: Storms Never Last
Break-up scene: Why don't you Love me like you used to do?
Get-back-together scene: Together Again
Long-night-alone scene: There will never be another you
Heartbreak scene: Old Habbits Like you
Mental-breakdown scene: Here comes my 19th nervous break down
Driving scene: On the road again
Deep-thought scene: Deep Purple
Regret scene: Will you still love me tomorrow
Lesson-learning scene: Somedays are diamonds
Party at house scene: Wasn't that a party? Jose Quervo
Flashback scene: Lucy in the Sky
Death scene: Oh Happy Day!
Closing credits: You were always on my mind.

The BigE went home last night after learning to make salmon patties. He did good! The Daring Dame stood me up for the third time. I am a little worried by that but am willing to wait for the plethora of excuses and see if there is one I can buy without looking too gullible.

I wrote some song pieces and ideas, played the guitar a little and am looking forward to seeing the Brother Boy's Band play this weekend some night. Along with moving in the Gypsies and the DD, moving out the mate's computer and the desk, and getting the mate's bike out on the side of the road for sale I should stay busy.

Just for the record I wanted to tell you all I made it through day70 with no tears. Still sad thoughts but I didn't cry. Day71 didn't go as well but I made it one day, finally, without my eyes and sinuses killing me.

Busy is good, happy thoughts are good. Enjoy the weekend all! I'll catch up with you Monday!

Stuck in the middle with you

I got out of work last night and ran to town to get dog food and such. I had called the BigE and told him I'd be late. When I got home he had done dishes, and kept his messes mostly cleaned up. It looked good. That was a nice treat for me.

I had gotten stuff for a "dunking dinner"; Poppers, chicken nuggets, motzarella cheese sticks and steak fries. Throw it all in the oven and you are ready to eat in twenty minutes. Easy, low clean up, and fun to eat. We all enjoyed it.

I was going to put together some more web pages after dinner. Then I was going to read. Then I was going to watch some tube with the grand. Finally I ended up on the couch and promptly fell asleep. I haven't done that since the mate died.

When I am home alone the tv is on for the dogs and I work on the house or the computer. I stay busy, even if it is just playing cards online, to keep my mind occupied. This week has been very busy and I realized this morning that I needed some time alone again.

I'm not used to having people around anymore. It's just me and the mate except for occasional visits by some of our close friends and the grands. Even the totally excellent grand makes me feel restricted in my home as to my behavior and emotional outlets. I guess I am a bit of a hermit. Maybe I mean we were hermits... Whatever.

I am more outgoing than the mate was. It's why I was looking for my friends and why I am glad to have found them. I like to get out even more now to avoid the empty house problem but the bar scene is only for the music, not the drinking or the meat market. I am avoiding the drinking and not interested in the other.

Today I was wondering if I am trying to travel backwards in my life to a time before the mate to avoid going ahead to a time without him. By digging out the guitars and the musical friends I can put my energy into getting my voice and picking abilities back. Instead of looking for new friends or trying a new way of life I can run back and hide in the old one.

But I am not 29, with long blonde hair on a stacked bod anymore. The opportunities won't open to an old, heavy lady that might have to that young woman. I have songs to write, and that does require the guitar and a little bit of voice to get out of my system but do I really want to go there as the grey old fat lady? Am I all washed up before I begin to try or am I just dreaming I can do this? The first couple tries have not been very encouraging. I know what I used to be able to do with my voice but the sinuse/allergy problem and the lack of wind from being out of shape are discouraging me.

Then, on the other side of the argument, you can't expect to just jump up and sing or play an instrument. It takes work and that takes time. Same with the weight. I was just getting to where I could go three miles on the bike last year. I haven't tried it yet this year but it is coming soon. If you want something badly enough you have to be willing to work for it.

Getting discouraged before you even put minimal effort into it is a child's attitude. The adult me realizes that I have not even really started to work at this. So am I racing backwards, reaching for a dream I let slide or am I stretching forward to build a new dream on an old one? Does it matter which it is?

I thought once I wanted to be a fantasy/fiction writer, too. The blog has at least gotten me into writing a little everyday again. Should I look harder at that?

What I find I can't do is just sit here and wait to see what comes next. I can't stand to think as much as I do when I am alone. I have to do something and the job is not fufilling at all except that I built my position from scratch and I do it well.

I could take in foster kids but don't know if I can deal with another person's problems on top of my own. I could take in a border but I don't really want to share my space with just anyone. I can sell on the bay for a little extra money.

There are lots of things I could do. I even thought about going back to college to be a teacher but I don't know that I could be "socially acceptable" in that role. I tend to want my kids to respect and obey me but teachers no longer have the power to discipline the children in their classes. Kids have no respect for someone with no power to require it of them.

Who knows what will happen next or what direction I will go? For now, I find myself clinging to the rut the mate and I built because it worked. We had what we needed and enough to help others and that was enough for us. The rut just gets awfully lonely sometimes.

And that is why I wondered if I was standing pat, running backwards or moving forwards. It's like a flatlander going into the mountains and getting goofy from the altitude and lack of oxygen. They can't tell if they are going up or down hill. The lack of loving imput leaves me wondering what exactly I am up to.

Major rambling thoughts today. Thanks for listening.

Hey it's good to be back home again

I snuck out of work about 15 minutes early last night and booked straight home to get dinner cooking. The BigE had done every little thing I had asked him to and then we started chopping cheese, celery, cukes, etc. for munchies. We got almost done and I realized I hadn't changed yet. I rushed a clean up and change clothes so I would be ready to greet my guests.

BigE and I finished setting up the table and putting out the snacks before the dog alert went off announcing my friend's arrival. He had, of course, changed since I saw him last but he looked pretty good for a man who has had some rough times. He was taller than I remembered, too. But his eyes are still the blue of a summer sky and his quirky smile was flashed enough during the evening to bring back a hint of the teenager we all knew long ago.

I had freaked out all day wondering if I was doing a good thing or a bad thing. Some times I get bombing ahead with a plan and forget to figure how the other people might feel about it. This makes me smack myself for my carelessness with their feelings. In this case everything went pretty good.

But the mom cost me a quarter. He bet she would not recognize him and I bet she would. This is the MOM. She who knows all. She got there and was frankly trying to guess who he was. I felt so badly for her, cause she loved this kid. He really had changed alot though. When we finally told her she couldn't put her stuff down quickly enough to give him a big hug. Then it was all better!

The sis was running late, she had an emergency horse call house call to make. Someone spent two hours trying to force a horse to load in a trailer, THEN called her to help load it. She hates that. When she got there she calmed the poor horse, joined up with it and it walked right up the ramp behind her about 20 minutes later.

My scallops turned out perfect, the sis brought homemade brownies, and mom brought a tossed salad. With the table full of munchies, fresh ice tea, and a lovely meal we enjoyed getting caught up, for the most part, on the last 20 years.

The sis got really silly and I helped. The guest, in spite of his recent loss, was smiling sometimes and the mom got after us for being so rambunctious. The BigE listened, watched, smiled and helped willingly. We all cleared the table then I started the dishes soaking but BigE did the dishes without being asked while we talked. He HATES doing dishes! It was so nice of him to see we were having fun and to do the chore for me. He made me think of his grampa.

We finally begged Brother Boy into playing for us. I got one or two songs ok but tried for "Old Habit" and lost it at the last verse. Then we all sang, then I tried to play and sing one or two. I'm still pretty pitiful but it's coming.

It was late before we broke it up but no one minded. I think it was good for hime to know there were still people that felt like his family out here. He had talked about Dad so much, I gave him one of the boxes dad made that I love so. I hope he enjoys it, I know we all enjoyed getting to know him again.

You've got to tell it like it is

Life gets busy and when our problems are gone we think all is right with the world. When I visited with the Guest yesterday I told him something that I think made him smile through his heartaches. He told me that he remembered, when we were younger, that we could always have fun hanging out together. It made me smile. It was true for me, but you know how teens are, I never knew if he was having fun or not. Now I do.

Then I found this.

The Cheat
by Edgar Guest

I cheated a good friend yesterday,
Kept what was his, and went my way,
Wronged him by silence-for in haste
I let a glad thought go to waste.

I had a word of cheer to speak,
To strengthen him when he grew weak,
To send him smiling on his way -
But what I thought I didn't say.

He would have richer been to know
That deed of his had pleased me so,
But oh, I failed to let him see
How much his conquest meant to me.

I cheated him of words of praise
Which would have cheered his troubled days;
In this a faithful friend I wronged,
By keeping what to him belonged.

The praise was his by right to hear,
To him belonged my word of cheer;
In silence, though, from him I turned
I'd cheated him of what he'd earned

Just a little from Edgar on speaking up. I think I will have to comment more on the other blogs I read. I would like to add that this is especially important for when you see your kids doing something good.