7/18/2013

I've got a peaceful, easy feeling...

It's almost a year since the last post. It seems like my health has consumed my days. I just get over one situation and another is popping up. I have hopes that will be changing, as soon as I get over this last round. Maybe my days will go back to more than worrying about the heat and humidity and how it slows me down.

In February I had a big battle with one of the new flu bugs and spent ten days in the hospital. I was on steroids for the first time and it was NOT my happy thought. I was just getting back to easily wandering around the neighborhood and enjoying barbeque's when 2011's aneurysms started to give way. 

June opened with what I thought was a major pinched nerve in my neck. After two days of doing what I could for it, the pain drove me to head for ER. The x-ray showed my aorta was leaking. I was in surgery almost before I could sign the release forms. 

I woke up to multiple incisions, including my sternum, in pain and with drugs that don't work for me to relieve it. I am one of the people for whom morphine will not work. Demerol, the drug that will work, has fallen into disfavor with the FDA and I can no longer get it prescribed. That leaves me with only things that half way work and have nasty side effects. It was a miserable time, but friends and family got me through it again. 

It's been about five weeks now, I am off the narcotic pain pills, doing most of my small shanty's chores and feeling some better. I still have very little stamina, but the current heat and humidity we are dealing with have locked me inside until the weekend, when it's supposed to cool back down into the 80's. 

I have worked in visits with friends, jam sessions with the guitar, back yard fires with the neighbors, some fishing and continue to visit with sister and Mom on Tuesdays. There have been birthday parties, family parties, and just because we can parties throughout the year. 

The little cabins next to me have all rented to good neighbors and we are all pretty friendly. We look out for each other and enjoy visiting back and forth. I am very glad to have such a strong core group of friends nearby. They have made these times of poor health much easier for me.

My kids are doing pretty well right now. Mom is doing fine. I'm feeling spoiled by my family, who all helped while I was down. All of them love me and I love them and we know it. I can't ask for more than that.

I just started driving again, but the truck has no a/c so I'm not going out this week. Soon I'll be able to get about and visit people again. I'm way overdue for some one on one with many of my people. 

Right now, life is good. I have enough and enough to share. The power is staying on, the a/c is working, I have what I need and most of what I want. 

My heart still has not given up seeking a partner, but I'm in no shape to be a help mate to anyone right now. It's having to wait. I still miss being an "us". I have gotten better at being "me" again, and it doesn't hurt so deeply every day. 

The thought of the mate jumped up and made me cry the other day, riding in sister's car behind a biker with a similar build and bike to what he had. I still miss him clear to the bottom of my soul. It is bearable now. The little things that bring him back to my heart still slash strongly when they sneak up on me. I don't see that changing. 

Who knows what comes next? :) I don't, and I am still here, so curiosity compels me to keep moving forward. Tomorrow night is supposed to cool off, I'm looking forward to that most of all right now. And I am content and peaceful inside, as messed up as this body is, and life, hard as it is right now, is still mostly good...

Maybe something magic will happen soon...I love when that happens! 

Keep loving and caring - it's what makes each life a little easier. 

   8/27/2012

"Tis twilight time."

Facebook has change the way we interact on the 'net. I have more personal contact with friends and family there. Sometimes I still miss blogging. I get an itch to write more than 240 characters.

Just a short recap of the year to keep this blog active. Had a nice bday party in January. The weather was mild enough for people to make the trip to share the day with me. That was fun.

In February I ended up back in ICU for a stent, but they tore my aorta in two places during the proceedure. That messed me up pretty good. I was in ten days, then back with complications for another week. Sister and Mom kept things going for me while I was laid up, along with the family and friends.

March started out with more of the same. My blood pressure dropped far and fast, leaving me too dizzy to sit up. So I laid down and called the magic number to get help. I was in and out the same day, but it seemed like they really didn't know what happened. I recieved a page of notes that seemed pretty much like "we think this might be the problem but we're not sure". Luckily, the rest of the month was okay. I stuck close to home and rested a lot.

April and May were a lot like that, too. I did an amazing amount of reading. I couldn't seem to focus enough to do my usual web work. The sites have suffered.

June was just too hot. I skipped most of it. July went to quickly for me to notice much as Mom was in for a valve replacement and that took up most of my concentration. August has been wonderful and is now back to too warm outside for me...but it's bound to cool off soon. Kids are going back to school and leaves are beginning to be in my birdbath, instead of on the trees...

I didn't get my stamina or energy back after this run. I'm having to accept that the heart has limits and will enforce them if I exceed them. I  stay in the a/c when it's hot so I spent a lot of the summer inside this year. The recent cooler weather let me enjoy my flowers and birds more and there have been bonfires in the evenings with neighbors and friends.

There have been joys and sorrows, life going on. It just moves slower for me now. It's hard to get used to it, but it keeps me where the kids can find me if they want or need me.

I have a lot of time to think. I'm thankful for the neighbors, friends and family that gift me with their loving attention, time and kindnesses. I would have a hard time without their help.

So I'm tucked safely into the little cabin. I feed two stray cats. I play a little guitar. I read, I still write sometimes, I visit the neighbors and such. Life is being lived. It's good enough.

   12/21/2011

There, I've said it again

I survived, and actually ended up having fun, doing the interview with Rudi Rudinski for NDEspace.org on the Carribean Radio Show through BlogTalk Radio. Dottie Clark was a great help to me with her friendly encouragement. Dr. Richardson is going through a rough time right now and took the time to put on the show for us. It took a lot of people, their talents and time to make it happen.

The link in the post below will let you listen to it, if you are interested. We covered a lot of topics. Rudi made it easy to find my thoughts and express them...

You really can't know why things happen as they do. This was originally scheduled for the 12th and got moved to the 19th...I sent an email out to those I thought might be interested in listening. One of my email friends that had read the book earlier wrote me to say he had intended to "go home" (via suicide) that day, but stayed to hear our talk...and has now decided to stay on longer here.

To be rescheduled meant I had to be nervous a week more. :) It didn't seem like a good thing to me. It meant something different to my email friend. He saw it as a reason to stay; to hear our words on the THAT date. That we cared he stayed lifted his spirit.

To know that even ONE person was helped by us in doing that show made it so very worthwhile to me...and all I did was talk...share words...

When we care and share we can change life for the better for each other. I might never had known how important it was to that friend, but he is here today and I am glad!

It took all those people in so many different locations on this planet to put those words out there and we helped one find the strength to keep living and loving...Go Team!!

   12/18/2011

First Radio Interview

I will be interviewed about my experience with dying and death tomorrow night, Monday, December 19th at 11:00 pm. You can listen live here:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/caribbeanradioshow/2011/12/20/near-death-experience-the-mystery-of-suicide-death

Call in numbers for questions are 347 202 0222 or 661 467 2407.

You can read about my experience at http://www.1way2see.com/thebook.html

This is a first for me. I have done private interviews and one for Discovery Channel that was not used...I'm curious to see just how it goes.

For my long time readers, I first wrote about it here:
http://forwardho.blogspot.com/2006/02/lost-and-all-alone.html
http://forwardho.blogspot.com/2006/02/love-is-everywhere.html
http://forwardho.blogspot.com/2006/02/someone-to-watch-over-me.html


and now I'm going to sit and be nervous for awhile.... :)

   12/07/2011

It's just another day

I'm having some trouble with comments, friends. I get them in the email for moderation since the spammers started acting up again. I'm not getting them to post right. Sorry for that, I'll figure it out...

Now the cell isn't getting any coverage where I usually have five bars and I can't call out right now. I'm supposed to be helping some friends with a website and can't call them for info! AArrrrrgh!

Must be the solar flares messing me up...  :)

Sister and I had a good afternoon hitting the used stores yesterday then going to Mom's for Bible Study. I got kinda tired out by the time I got home and unloaded.

I don't have a lot of energy lately. Taking it easy has become a specialty of  mine. So that's the plan. One load of wash and take the rest of the day to relax...

Not a bad plan! :) Back soon!

   12/04/2011

Any day now...

I am all settled in at the little cabin again. My health has been less than perfect, but I have been getting by okay. I have neighbors that are friends to visit with, books to read, chores to do and it's been much more peaceful. Only bedtime and home comings bother me with sadness and I'm doing the best I can with that, for now.

You just get your feet back under you, going along feeling like life might be settling down for you and then, from out of the blue, something comes along to change things again...

I got an email the other day asking me to participate in a radio show about Death Experiences or "NDE's", as they are commonly referred to. It was from an aquaintence on a web forum so I looked up the info and it was valid.

I have posted my experience with death online, free to read, at http://www.1way2see.com/ . It is also available for a token price on Amazon Kindle, so that it is a copyrighted, published ebook. I have a forum there that I check in on daily. It had become more habit, than need to write...I mentioned earlier that I think I will be writing more. Now I know I will...

On Monday, December 19th, at 11:00 PM I will be on the Blog Talk Radio Show to be interviewed about my death experience. It should be interesting. I will post links to listen when they are available to me.

Maybe things are going to get interesting around here for awhile...

   11/09/2011

Smoke Gets in Your Eyes

Well, I keep trying....that's the good news. The bad news is that this blogs seems to have gone from "happily ever after" to a repeating series of train wrecks on the rails of love...

Partner and I are already splitting up housekeeping. I have to conclude that I'm just not fit to live with...I seem to expect too much of myself and others on this planet.

There's no fighting, no major personal hassles being dealt with, I just can't live the way he does. My little cabin was waiting for me and I'm almost all tucked back in there. He's going to be a neighbor now and I'm even looking forward to it. The music will still be good. The recording will be fun, the jam sessions will be great! It will just all be better if I can go home when it's not fun for me....

I know me well enough to know that, after a time, I will be lonely again and probably try to find another to be with here. But I'm taking another long break, I think. My heart is tired...

Thought I'd jump on here and let you all know I'm still kicking, but I've had to back up and punt one more time...

I'll be busy getting the cabin ready for winter and expect I'll be back around here. The writing bug is crawling around in my head again and I think it's going to bite me soon...and it's going to be a long winter....


Is it really so hard to just be honest with each other? And why is it so hard to be honest with ourselves? That seems to me to be the biggest problem with  relationships....just simple honesty...

So I'm back in my beloved little cabin and glad to have it. It's a peaceful haven and a refuge for me and, I hope, for all my friends and family...

Let's see what happens next, shall we?