There, I've said it again

I survived, and actually ended up having fun, doing the interview with Rudi Rudinski for NDEspace.org on the Carribean Radio Show through BlogTalk Radio. Dottie Clark was a great help to me with her friendly encouragement. Dr. Richardson is going through a rough time right now and took the time to put on the show for us. It took a lot of people, their talents and time to make it happen.

The link in the post below will let you listen to it, if you are interested. We covered a lot of topics. Rudi made it easy to find my thoughts and express them...

You really can't know why things happen as they do. This was originally scheduled for the 12th and got moved to the 19th...I sent an email out to those I thought might be interested in listening. One of my email friends that had read the book earlier wrote me to say he had intended to "go home" (via suicide) that day, but stayed to hear our talk...and has now decided to stay on longer here.

To be rescheduled meant I had to be nervous a week more. :) It didn't seem like a good thing to me. It meant something different to my email friend. He saw it as a reason to stay; to hear our words on the THAT date. That we cared he stayed lifted his spirit.

To know that even ONE person was helped by us in doing that show made it so very worthwhile to me...and all I did was talk...share words...

When we care and share we can change life for the better for each other. I might never had known how important it was to that friend, but he is here today and I am glad!

It took all those people in so many different locations on this planet to put those words out there and we helped one find the strength to keep living and loving...Go Team!!

First Radio Interview

I will be interviewed about my experience with dying and death tomorrow night, Monday, December 19th at 11:00 pm. You can listen live here:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/caribbeanradioshow/2011/12/20/near-death-experience-the-mystery-of-suicide-death

Call in numbers for questions are 347 202 0222 or 661 467 2407.

You can read about my experience at http://www.1way2see.com/thebook.html

This is a first for me. I have done private interviews and one for Discovery Channel that was not used...I'm curious to see just how it goes.

For my long time readers, I first wrote about it here:
http://forwardho.blogspot.com/2006/02/lost-and-all-alone.html
http://forwardho.blogspot.com/2006/02/love-is-everywhere.html
http://forwardho.blogspot.com/2006/02/someone-to-watch-over-me.html

and now I'm going to sit and be nervous for awhile.... :)

It's just another day

I'm having some trouble with comments, friends. I get them in the email for moderation since the spammers started acting up again. I'm not getting them to post right. Sorry for that, I'll figure it out...

Now the cell isn't getting any coverage where I usually have five bars and I can't call out right now. I'm supposed to be helping some friends with a website and can't call them for info! AArrrrrgh!

Must be the solar flares messing me up...  :)

Sister and I had a good afternoon hitting the used stores yesterday then going to Mom's for Bible Study. I got kinda tired out by the time I got home and unloaded.

I don't have a lot of energy lately. Taking it easy has become a specialty of  mine. So that's the plan. One load of wash and take the rest of the day to relax...

Not a bad plan! :) Back soon!

Any day now...

I am all settled in at the little cabin again. My health has been less than perfect, but I have been getting by okay. I have neighbors that are friends to visit with, books to read, chores to do and it's been much more peaceful. Only bedtime and home comings bother me with sadness and I'm doing the best I can with that, for now.

You just get your feet back under you, going along feeling like life might be settling down for you and then, from out of the blue, something comes along to change things again...

I got an email the other day asking me to participate in a radio show about Death Experiences or "NDE's", as they are commonly referred to. It was from an aquaintence on a web forum so I looked up the info and it was valid.

I have posted my experience with death online, free to read, at http://www.1way2see.com/ . It is also available for a token price on Amazon Kindle, so that it is a copyrighted, published ebook. I have a forum there that I check in on daily. It had become more habit, than need to write...I mentioned earlier that I think I will be writing more. Now I know I will...

On Monday, December 19th, at 11:00 PM I will be on the Blog Talk Radio Show to be interviewed about my death experience. It should be interesting. I will post links to listen when they are available to me.

Maybe things are going to get interesting around here for awhile...

Smoke Gets in Your Eyes

Well, I keep trying....that's the good news. The bad news is that this blogs seems to have gone from "happily ever after" to a repeating series of train wrecks on the rails of love...

Partner and I are already splitting up housekeeping. I have to conclude that I'm just not fit to live with...I seem to expect too much of myself and others on this planet.

There's no fighting, no major personal hassles being dealt with, I just can't live the way he does. My little cabin was waiting for me and I'm almost all tucked back in there. He's going to be a neighbor now and I'm even looking forward to it. The music will still be good. The recording will be fun, the jam sessions will be great! It will just all be better if I can go home when it's not fun for me....

I know me well enough to know that, after a time, I will be lonely again and probably try to find another to be with here. But I'm taking another long break, I think. My heart is tired...

Thought I'd jump on here and let you all know I'm still kicking, but I've had to back up and punt one more time...

I'll be busy getting the cabin ready for winter and expect I'll be back around here. The writing bug is crawling around in my head again and I think it's going to bite me soon...and it's going to be a long winter....

Is it really so hard to just be honest with each other? And why is it so hard to be honest with ourselves? That seems to me to be the biggest problem with  relationships....just simple honesty...

So I'm back in my beloved little cabin and glad to have it. It's a peaceful haven and a refuge for me and, I hope, for all my friends and family...

Let's see what happens next, shall we? 

Partner

Partner and I

It seemed like it might be time to add a note here, just for those still wandering in and out of the blog.
I spent the winter huddled down in as little of the house as I needed to heat for plumbing. The internet was my "real" home and my phone was my "vehicle". (Bless my friend in Texas for getting me through the long nights.) I took photos of the birds that hung out on the feeders and shared the good ones with the family and friends on facebook for entertainment. There were a couple rescue cats getting fed, too. Tuesday Bible study was about the only time I had people over. And I had my ebooks the Eldest shared with me. I got a lot of reading done. It was cold and lonely, but I got through the winter.

Come spring, I was trying to get the yard whipped back into shape. The house was still for sale but no one had been by to look at it. I wanted it tidied up. I got a lot of it done. In June a friend on FB said she was looking for a place and picked my home to rent. The family was a huge support to me. I found a little cabin on a lake that needed tons of work that I could rent cheaply. They rallied and put tons of hours and work into it. So did I. It was exausting me.

In the middle of all this, I recieved a note through a dating site I was on. It said "We have a lot in common and I think we should talk." I replied out of curiosity and after a week of emails, we went to phone calls. I took an evening off working on the cabin to drive to the Big City and meet the christian, blues guitar player with a beard.

It was a long drive after a long day and I got too tired, but I found his home, finally. We talked and played music until 4am. The drive home was really difficult, because I was so very over tired. I did make it safely back and slept hard the next day. I resolved not to go back up there again. If he wanted to see me he'd have to get down here...

By the middle of August I was finally settled in and able to find my things again. We had a great housewarming party! Many of my friends and family showed up for the fire and even through the rain we roasted hot dogs and had fun. When the day cleared up, the guitars came out and we went back outside to enjoy an evening of music.

I loved the little cabin and was adding and subtracting "things" to get it comfy for the winter. The Man in the City and I advanced to making video calls. A couple times a day we'd sit and talk. My friend in TX gets thanks for getting me on the video call program. I am still enjoying it, when I can, with family and friends.

After a week or two of 'net contact, the man in the city decided to come and see my side of the world. I was having a second party for the neighbors and new friends that I had begun to know who had made me feel so welcomed. I invited him and he arranged to get here.

It was a second great party! And the Blues Player fit right in with my other music friends. We played and sang until about midnight. And ate! These people can cook!

He never really went back home again. I'm having a hard time finding a nicname for him here...Being so uniquely himself, the easy nics don't really fit him. I guess I'll call him Partner. It turns out that that is what he is. I think we will be good partners...

We made a trip to his home to get the cat and his important things and the little cabin became very cramped...neighbors in the Big House next door moved out. The landlord was amiable to us moving there...Partner and the neighbors started moving us again...and MAN I hated that! I just got it all unpacked and here we go again!

But we did it. The little cabin is all ready for a new person to love and the Big House is mostly straightened out. We still have some fussy sorting and fine tuning to do, but we can mostly find our stuff...and the normal chores are getting easier to do.

I have Partner in my days again. We are still getting to know each other, but it's easier because we have much in common for enjoyment. Computers, fishing, music, and a deep, spiritual base to our lives. There are things that aren't easy for me, and things that are hard for him, too, but we have been working through them together.

He has done so very much to make it easier for me. He does what needs done when he sees it. We both like the house neat and try to keep it that way. We do chores together. The little deck here has his smoker and my little grill on it and they are getting used. He seems to be becoming contented here. We need to find a church to attend and get the rest of the shake down done on the house, but we can take our time doing it now.

I am no longer alone. It is such a comfort to have a man in my days again. He does things differently than I am used to, but is working with me to smooth out the rough edges between us. I do things differently than the women he is used to, too...but I think we are going to be okay in the long run and I think I have a good partner again.

I am hopeful and enjoying my days again. I think he is, too.

Life is good.

Time Passages

I left you hanging with me in Texas, happy with a chance to love again...it was so much fun I never did get back here to tell you what happened next...and I didn't finish up the Tennessee adventures very well, either. I got the important things shared though, so I don't feel too badly..

There are those of you who have been here from the beginning and followed along to other web places and I treasure your friendship...a few have been left here in blogland...I'm sorry for that.

It's time to admit that the writing bug has changed over...I don't feel the need to be here and share all my days anymore. I have moved over to Facebook and find more of the family able to use it and more of my real life friends there.

I won't swear this is the last post, ever, because I don't know what might move me in the future, but I'm hanging this as the last post for the new year and hoping that my writing will be going into books...I have stories to tell and thoughts to share that I want to have a larger audience for than this blog does.

Texas was a joy to me. But the "we" didn't make it...We established that our friendship is solid and true, but we are not meant to be life partners. It was sad and difficult for both of us, but we worked it out between us and didn't over damage our hearts doing so...

My Tennessee friend had a stroke a week after I came home from there and was very injured by it, mentally and physically. He's just now getting himself back together. It's been hard for him and we have had to enjoy our friendship by phone and email since. He still makes me smile and having me and mine in his life has helped him through this time...but we can't be partners, either.

I found no work in TX...4 heart attacks makes it hard to get hired and the ostio arthritis is continuing to affect my mobility. The state of MI decided I qualified for disability so I moved back to the house. The renters hadn't stayed very long before they decided to go elsewhere as a financial measure. The mortgage is still in a mess, but about the first week of December I got news that I qualified for federal SSI and SSD in October. When that all shuffles down, I will have a steady, if small, income and I'm hoping to get this house sold to the next family that needs a place to love in so I can move on and find my new home.

And the search for a companion and lover in my days continues. I don't seem to be able to be happy without it. I know that being in TX with a caring partner was a deep joy to me and it was very hard to give that up. But I will not regret that we didn't make it all the way, I would only regret not trying to enjoy love in my days and share it with another....and we DID do that!

My holidays were almost "normal" this year, in that I didn't spend all of them hoping I wouldn't spoil them for everyone with my grief and missing the mate. I was lucky enough that my texan came home to visit his family and they included me in their fun. And it was fun to have someone beside me again! We know how to be friends together and have fun and we did! There was music and games and good food...

I have been blessed with enough to meet my needs and to share this holiday and I enjoyed giving smiles to others again.

I almost thought I would go back to Texas. I have friends there that I enjoy - but I feel a need to have the situation with the house resolved fully before I can leave again. I don't see a way to stretch the money for just a visit right now. But you never know, it could happen, and there might be a stop in TN along the way...

These years of learning to live as myself again, without my loving and beloved mate have been filled with moving, deep experiences. The depths of feeling I am capable of and the lack of caring due to selfishness I have showed to be parts of me surprised me.

I've learned to care more for others and to value their love for me more highly, but I would still like one more partner for the sunset ride.

Until then, an RV or small camper has been sounding good to me, a home I can take wherever I go...I don't have much "stuff" and will fit in one. But I still don't know what or where I will go next. Life is not always going and doing something somewhere...or being a base for others to launch from...It's loving each other just the way we are and helping each other be the best we can be here from where ever we stand.

So that will be all for now. If something comes up, I may be back to post it, but if you want to follow along in the real world with me, find me on Facebook.

I don't friend up with everyone, but if I know you from here, you are welcomed there...put a note in with your request so I have some idea who you are or which blog was yours....

And thank you all for helping me through one of the hardest times in my life...I'm still here and I don't think anyone believed I could do that. Without the love in my life I would not have made it this far. You have all been part of that.

Hugs, friends!