I'm a little late with this year's update, but I've been enjoying my days and writing has been on hold. I think that is changing...I feel words coming on.
I have made it from last year's heart surgery in June to now with NO major health incidents. That's very good. I have my Medicare in place, *I think, as with the new rules I don't really know if I have it all correctly understood* and had an appointment with a new doctor to get my blood pressure medication changed. I don't like the meds, but as I am not dead and not in pain, I guess it's doing what it's supposed to, so I've kept taking it.
I enjoyed a good harvest of herbs this year. I have peppermint, spearmint, motherwort, sage, rosemary, thyme, oregano, and an almost failed, but recovering parsley. Sister helped me with jars to put them in and I love having a fresh tea, "homemade". I even picked up a teapot again. In my tiny home it took some doing to find it a spot, but I managed.
Family and friends are hanging in there, having good, bad, annoying and joyful days. Mom is doing much better, too. She had a rough spot for awhile, but it's better. The neighbors haven't moved away, so the 'hood is good. I am really blessed to have neighbors I can enjoy.
I sort of rescued a last year's kitten this year. She's a little black cat I call Minimus, a combination of minimal, as she was the smallest black cat in the 'hood, and Minnie Mouse, which I thought would be an amusing name for a cat. I was right, it makes me smile to call "here, Minnie Mouse!" , and to write about it. Safe Harbor helped me get her spayed, so no more kittens for her. We think her first litter was poisoned. It was sad.
She stops in once or twice a day for food and pets and if I'm going out, I leave food out for her. When we began to get acquainted, she was quite feral. It was a challenge to gain her trust. Minnie is very demandingly affectionate now, when she comes in to visit. I enjoy our time, but have found I'm not used to having pets. I've had to relearn how to create time and space to interact with her.
The family gained two new people this year. I have a great-grand daughter and a new grandson. Of course they are adorable! I haven't had any real time with them yet. They are out of the area. I'm hoping to meet the grand boy during the holidays. The great girl I had one visit with, so far. It's a sadness in my heart that I don't see a way to do more or spend more time with them. My comfort is that their parents and grand parents are loving, caring and affectionate enough to keep them covered in hugs, smiles and kisses.
The cabin got a face lift this summer. It's nice, but didn't change the flavor of the interior so my comfort level is good. I had lots of help getting flowerbeds defined and created. I have a little more to do, and the usual changing around what's there in the spring to look forward to, but it's mostly under control and fun to look at when it's blooming.
The birds are still coming to the feeder, the cat is getting sleek and friendly toward others, I have had a much better year for my health, the bills are paid and the truck still runs well.
I can only hope that those of you who still drop in here had a year full of love, too.
Shout out to Anvil Cloud, Fred and Kira, all of whom I still see around FB, and a Merry Christmas to all of you bloggers and readers.
Having survived as a teen, young adult, and adult when most would have bet I wouldn't, this journal is notes from where I am now.
I've got a peaceful, easy feeling...
It's almost a year since the last post. It seems like my health has consumed my days. I just get over one situation and another is popping up. I have hopes that will be changing, as soon as I get over this last round. Maybe my days will go back to more than worrying about the heat and humidity and how it slows me down.
In February I had a big battle with one of the new flu bugs and spent ten days in the hospital. I was on steroids for the first time and it was NOT my happy thought. I was just getting back to easily wandering around the neighborhood and enjoying barbeque's when 2011's aneurysms started to give way.
June opened with what I thought was a major pinched nerve in my neck. After two days of doing what I could for it, the pain drove me to head for ER. The x-ray showed my aorta was leaking. I was in surgery almost before I could sign the release forms.
I woke up to multiple incisions, including my sternum, in pain and with drugs that don't work for me to relieve it. I am one of the people for whom morphine will not work. Demerol, the drug that will work, has fallen into disfavor with the FDA and I can no longer get it prescribed. That leaves me with only things that half way work and have nasty side effects. It was a miserable time, but friends and family got me through it again.
It's been about five weeks now, I am off the narcotic pain pills, doing most of my small shanty's chores and feeling some better. I still have very little stamina, but the current heat and humidity we are dealing with have locked me inside until the weekend, when it's supposed to cool back down into the 80's.
I have worked in visits with friends, jam sessions with the guitar, back yard fires with the neighbors, some fishing and continue to visit with sister and Mom on Tuesdays. There have been birthday parties, family parties, and just because we can parties throughout the year.
The little cabins next to me have all rented to good neighbors and we are all pretty friendly. We look out for each other and enjoy visiting back and forth. I am very glad to have such a strong core group of friends nearby. They have made these times of poor health much easier for me.
My kids are doing pretty well right now. Mom is doing fine. I'm feeling spoiled by my family, who all helped while I was down. All of them love me and I love them and we know it. I can't ask for more than that.
I just started driving again, but the truck has no a/c so I'm not going out this week. Soon I'll be able to get about and visit people again. I'm way overdue for some one on one with many of my people.
Right now, life is good. I have enough and enough to share. The power is staying on, the a/c is working, I have what I need and most of what I want.
My heart still has not given up seeking a partner, but I'm in no shape to be a help mate to anyone right now. It's having to wait. I still miss being an "us". I have gotten better at being "me" again, and it doesn't hurt so deeply every day.
The thought of the mate jumped up and made me cry the other day, riding in sister's car behind a biker with a similar build and bike to what he had. I still miss him clear to the bottom of my soul. It is bearable now. The little things that bring him back to my heart still slash strongly when they sneak up on me. I don't see that changing.
Who knows what comes next? :) I don't, and I am still here, so curiosity compels me to keep moving forward. Tomorrow night is supposed to cool off, I'm looking forward to that most of all right now. And I am content and peaceful inside, as messed up as this body is, and life, hard as it is right now, is still mostly good...
Maybe something magic will happen soon...I love when that happens!
Keep loving and caring - it's what makes each life a little easier.
"Tis twilight time."
Facebook has change the way we interact on the 'net. I have more personal contact with friends and family there. Sometimes I still miss blogging. I get an itch to write more than 240 characters.
Just a short recap of the year to keep this blog active. Had a nice bday party in January. The weather was mild enough for people to make the trip to share the day with me. That was fun.
In February I ended up back in ICU for a stent, but they tore my aorta in two places during the proceedure. That messed me up pretty good. I was in ten days, then back with complications for another week. Sister and Mom kept things going for me while I was laid up, along with the family and friends.
March started out with more of the same. My blood pressure dropped far and fast, leaving me too dizzy to sit up. So I laid down and called the magic number to get help. I was in and out the same day, but it seemed like they really didn't know what happened. I recieved a page of notes that seemed pretty much like "we think this might be the problem but we're not sure". Luckily, the rest of the month was okay. I stuck close to home and rested a lot.
April and May were a lot like that, too. I did an amazing amount of reading. I couldn't seem to focus enough to do my usual web work. The sites have suffered.
June was just too hot. I skipped most of it. July went to quickly for me to notice much as Mom was in for a valve replacement and that took up most of my concentration. August has been wonderful and is now back to too warm outside for me...but it's bound to cool off soon. Kids are going back to school and leaves are beginning to be in my birdbath, instead of on the trees...
I didn't get my stamina or energy back after this run. I'm having to accept that the heart has limits and will enforce them if I exceed them. I stay in the a/c when it's hot so I spent a lot of the summer inside this year. The recent cooler weather let me enjoy my flowers and birds more and there have been bonfires in the evenings with neighbors and friends.
There have been joys and sorrows, life going on. It just moves slower for me now. It's hard to get used to it, but it keeps me where the kids can find me if they want or need me.
I have a lot of time to think. I'm thankful for the neighbors, friends and family that gift me with their loving attention, time and kindnesses. I would have a hard time without their help.
So I'm tucked safely into the little cabin. I feed two stray cats. I play a little guitar. I read, I still write sometimes, I visit the neighbors and such. Life is being lived. It's good enough.
There, I've said it again
I survived, and actually ended up having fun, doing the interview with Rudi Rudinski for NDEspace.org on the Carribean Radio Show through BlogTalk Radio. Dottie Clark was a great help to me with her friendly encouragement. Dr. Richardson is going through a rough time right now and took the time to put on the show for us. It took a lot of people, their talents and time to make it happen.
The link in the post below will let you listen to it, if you are interested. We covered a lot of topics. Rudi made it easy to find my thoughts and express them...
You really can't know why things happen as they do. This was originally scheduled for the 12th and got moved to the 19th...I sent an email out to those I thought might be interested in listening. One of my email friends that had read the book earlier wrote me to say he had intended to "go home" (via suicide) that day, but stayed to hear our talk...and has now decided to stay on longer here.
To be rescheduled meant I had to be nervous a week more. :) It didn't seem like a good thing to me. It meant something different to my email friend. He saw it as a reason to stay; to hear our words on the THAT date. That we cared he stayed lifted his spirit.
To know that even ONE person was helped by us in doing that show made it so very worthwhile to me...and all I did was talk...share words...
When we care and share we can change life for the better for each other. I might never had known how important it was to that friend, but he is here today and I am glad!
It took all those people in so many different locations on this planet to put those words out there and we helped one find the strength to keep living and loving...Go Team!!
First Radio Interview
I will be interviewed about my experience with dying and death tomorrow night, Monday, December 19th at 11:00 pm. You can listen live here:
Call in numbers for questions are 347 202 0222 or 661 467 2407.
You can read about my experience at http://www.1way2see.com/thebook.html
This is a first for me. I have done private interviews and one for Discovery Channel that was not used...I'm curious to see just how it goes.
For my long time readers, I first wrote about it here:
and now I'm going to sit and be nervous for awhile.... :)
It's just another day
I'm having some trouble with comments, friends. I get them in the email for moderation since the spammers started acting up again. I'm not getting them to post right. Sorry for that, I'll figure it out...
Now the cell isn't getting any coverage where I usually have five bars and I can't call out right now. I'm supposed to be helping some friends with a website and can't call them for info! AArrrrrgh!
Must be the solar flares messing me up... :)
Sister and I had a good afternoon hitting the used stores yesterday then going to Mom's for Bible Study. I got kinda tired out by the time I got home and unloaded.
I don't have a lot of energy lately. Taking it easy has become a specialty of mine. So that's the plan. One load of wash and take the rest of the day to relax...
Not a bad plan! :) Back soon!
Any day now...
I am all settled in at the little cabin again. My health has been less than perfect, but I have been getting by okay. I have neighbors that are friends to visit with, books to read, chores to do and it's been much more peaceful. Only bedtime and home comings bother me with sadness and I'm doing the best I can with that, for now.
You just get your feet back under you, going along feeling like life might be settling down for you and then, from out of the blue, something comes along to change things again...
I got an email the other day asking me to participate in a radio show about Death Experiences or "NDE's", as they are commonly referred to. It was from an aquaintence on a web forum so I looked up the info and it was valid.
I have posted my experience with death online, free to read, at http://www.1way2see.com/ . It is also available for a token price on Amazon Kindle, so that it is a copyrighted, published ebook. I have a forum there that I check in on daily. It had become more habit, than need to write...I mentioned earlier that I think I will be writing more. Now I know I will...
On Monday, December 19th, at 11:00 PM I will be on the Blog Talk Radio Show to be interviewed about my death experience. It should be interesting. I will post links to listen when they are available to me.
Maybe things are going to get interesting around here for awhile...
Smoke Gets in Your Eyes
Well, I keep trying....that's the good news. The bad news is that this blogs seems to have gone from "happily ever after" to a repeating series of train wrecks on the rails of love...
Partner and I are already splitting up housekeeping. I have to conclude that I'm just not fit to live with...I seem to expect too much of myself and others on this planet.
There's no fighting, no major personal hassles being dealt with, I just can't live the way he does. My little cabin was waiting for me and I'm almost all tucked back in there. He's going to be a neighbor now and I'm even looking forward to it. The music will still be good. The recording will be fun, the jam sessions will be great! It will just all be better if I can go home when it's not fun for me....
I know me well enough to know that, after a time, I will be lonely again and probably try to find another to be with here. But I'm taking another long break, I think. My heart is tired...
Thought I'd jump on here and let you all know I'm still kicking, but I've had to back up and punt one more time...
I'll be busy getting the cabin ready for winter and expect I'll be back around here. The writing bug is crawling around in my head again and I think it's going to bite me soon...and it's going to be a long winter....
So I'm back in my beloved little cabin and glad to have it. It's a peaceful haven and a refuge for me and, I hope, for all my friends and family...
Let's see what happens next, shall we?
Partner and I
It seemed like it might be time to add a note here, just for those still wandering in and out of the blog.
I spent the winter huddled down in as little of the house as I needed to heat for plumbing. The internet was my "real" home and my phone was my "vehicle". (Bless my friend in Texas for getting me through the long nights.) I took photos of the birds that hung out on the feeders and shared the good ones with the family and friends on facebook for entertainment. There were a couple rescue cats getting fed, too. Tuesday Bible study was about the only time I had people over. And I had my ebooks the Eldest shared with me. I got a lot of reading done. It was cold and lonely, but I got through the winter.
Come spring, I was trying to get the yard whipped back into shape. The house was still for sale but no one had been by to look at it. I wanted it tidied up. I got a lot of it done. In June a friend on FB said she was looking for a place and picked my home to rent. The family was a huge support to me. I found a little cabin on a lake that needed tons of work that I could rent cheaply. They rallied and put tons of hours and work into it. So did I. It was exausting me.
In the middle of all this, I recieved a note through a dating site I was on. It said "We have a lot in common and I think we should talk." I replied out of curiosity and after a week of emails, we went to phone calls. I took an evening off working on the cabin to drive to the Big City and meet the christian, blues guitar player with a beard.
It was a long drive after a long day and I got too tired, but I found his home, finally. We talked and played music until 4am. The drive home was really difficult, because I was so very over tired. I did make it safely back and slept hard the next day. I resolved not to go back up there again. If he wanted to see me he'd have to get down here...
By the middle of August I was finally settled in and able to find my things again. We had a great housewarming party! Many of my friends and family showed up for the fire and even through the rain we roasted hot dogs and had fun. When the day cleared up, the guitars came out and we went back outside to enjoy an evening of music.
I loved the little cabin and was adding and subtracting "things" to get it comfy for the winter. The Man in the City and I advanced to making video calls. A couple times a day we'd sit and talk. My friend in TX gets thanks for getting me on the video call program. I am still enjoying it, when I can, with family and friends.
After a week or two of 'net contact, the man in the city decided to come and see my side of the world. I was having a second party for the neighbors and new friends that I had begun to know who had made me feel so welcomed. I invited him and he arranged to get here.
It was a second great party! And the Blues Player fit right in with my other music friends. We played and sang until about midnight. And ate! These people can cook!
He never really went back home again. I'm having a hard time finding a nicname for him here...Being so uniquely himself, the easy nics don't really fit him. I guess I'll call him Partner. It turns out that that is what he is. I think we will be good partners...
We made a trip to his home to get the cat and his important things and the little cabin became very cramped...neighbors in the Big House next door moved out. The landlord was amiable to us moving there...Partner and the neighbors started moving us again...and MAN I hated that! I just got it all unpacked and here we go again!
But we did it. The little cabin is all ready for a new person to love and the Big House is mostly straightened out. We still have some fussy sorting and fine tuning to do, but we can mostly find our stuff...and the normal chores are getting easier to do.
I have Partner in my days again. We are still getting to know each other, but it's easier because we have much in common for enjoyment. Computers, fishing, music, and a deep, spiritual base to our lives. There are things that aren't easy for me, and things that are hard for him, too, but we have been working through them together.
He has done so very much to make it easier for me. He does what needs done when he sees it. We both like the house neat and try to keep it that way. We do chores together. The little deck here has his smoker and my little grill on it and they are getting used. He seems to be becoming contented here. We need to find a church to attend and get the rest of the shake down done on the house, but we can take our time doing it now.
I am no longer alone. It is such a comfort to have a man in my days again. He does things differently than I am used to, but is working with me to smooth out the rough edges between us. I do things differently than the women he is used to, too...but I think we are going to be okay in the long run and I think I have a good partner again.
I am hopeful and enjoying my days again. I think he is, too.
Life is good.
I left you hanging with me in Texas, happy with a chance to love again...it was so much fun I never did get back here to tell you what happened next...and I didn't finish up the Tennessee adventures very well, either. I got the important things shared though, so I don't feel too badly..
There are those of you who have been here from the beginning and followed along to other web places and I treasure your friendship...a few have been left here in blogland...I'm sorry for that.
It's time to admit that the writing bug has changed over...I don't feel the need to be here and share all my days anymore. I have moved over to Facebook and find more of the family able to use it and more of my real life friends there.
I won't swear this is the last post, ever, because I don't know what might move me in the future, but I'm hanging this as the last post for the new year and hoping that my writing will be going into books...I have stories to tell and thoughts to share that I want to have a larger audience for than this blog does.
Texas was a joy to me. But the "we" didn't make it...We established that our friendship is solid and true, but we are not meant to be life partners. It was sad and difficult for both of us, but we worked it out between us and didn't over damage our hearts doing so...
My Tennessee friend had a stroke a week after I came home from there and was very injured by it, mentally and physically. He's just now getting himself back together. It's been hard for him and we have had to enjoy our friendship by phone and email since. He still makes me smile and having me and mine in his life has helped him through this time...but we can't be partners, either.
I found no work in TX...4 heart attacks makes it hard to get hired and the ostio arthritis is continuing to affect my mobility. The state of MI decided I qualified for disability so I moved back to the house. The renters hadn't stayed very long before they decided to go elsewhere as a financial measure. The mortgage is still in a mess, but about the first week of December I got news that I qualified for federal SSI and SSD in October. When that all shuffles down, I will have a steady, if small, income and I'm hoping to get this house sold to the next family that needs a place to love in so I can move on and find my new home.
And the search for a companion and lover in my days continues. I don't seem to be able to be happy without it. I know that being in TX with a caring partner was a deep joy to me and it was very hard to give that up. But I will not regret that we didn't make it all the way, I would only regret not trying to enjoy love in my days and share it with another....and we DID do that!
My holidays were almost "normal" this year, in that I didn't spend all of them hoping I wouldn't spoil them for everyone with my grief and missing the mate. I was lucky enough that my texan came home to visit his family and they included me in their fun. And it was fun to have someone beside me again! We know how to be friends together and have fun and we did! There was music and games and good food...
I have been blessed with enough to meet my needs and to share this holiday and I enjoyed giving smiles to others again.
I almost thought I would go back to Texas. I have friends there that I enjoy - but I feel a need to have the situation with the house resolved fully before I can leave again. I don't see a way to stretch the money for just a visit right now. But you never know, it could happen, and there might be a stop in TN along the way...
These years of learning to live as myself again, without my loving and beloved mate have been filled with moving, deep experiences. The depths of feeling I am capable of and the lack of caring due to selfishness I have showed to be parts of me surprised me.
I've learned to care more for others and to value their love for me more highly, but I would still like one more partner for the sunset ride.
Until then, an RV or small camper has been sounding good to me, a home I can take wherever I go...I don't have much "stuff" and will fit in one. But I still don't know what or where I will go next. Life is not always going and doing something somewhere...or being a base for others to launch from...It's loving each other just the way we are and helping each other be the best we can be here from where ever we stand.
So that will be all for now. If something comes up, I may be back to post it, but if you want to follow along in the real world with me, find me on Facebook.
I don't friend up with everyone, but if I know you from here, you are welcomed there...put a note in with your request so I have some idea who you are or which blog was yours....
And thank you all for helping me through one of the hardest times in my life...I'm still here and I don't think anyone believed I could do that. Without the love in my life I would not have made it this far. You have all been part of that.
And the times, they are a changin
It has been a pretty long row to hoe this last year. I have had everything I needed, but a lot of it I couldn't do by myself. The family and friends have been keeping me together through this years un-health and two heart attacks. The house I've loved and loved in so long was getting to be too much for me to handle. I was tired all the time.
Back in 4/08 I met MoBluz. It was a wash, as a relationship, but it has remained a solid friendship. We had been in touch for web site schedules and such, even after he moved to AK. I didn't hear from him often but I still kept up with his kids on myspace and such. When he would call with new bookings to post we'd catch back up with each other. His marriage went to pieces several months ago and he was dealing with a depression as deep as mine.
He moved from AK to TX ,where his son and DIL live, but free nights and weekends on his phone gave us time to encourage each other over the miles. The changes we were both dealing with were difficult sometimes and our hearts were lonely. A friendly voice eased the hurts for both of us and the talks rolled deeper.
Last time I was in the hospital his late night phone calls helped get me through the long hours I couldn't sleep. He stayed in touch after I went home on an almost daily basis, to know I was doing okay. Things were pretty rough the first two weeks home, for me, and hearing how he was finding places to make music lifted my heart. He found a place to rent, got moved in, was singing out as a solo act and moving on.
I had my heart fixed the 5th of August. On the 29th, he asked me to join him in Texas.
I had almost died, again, and I won't miss a chance to be happy. I said yes.
I thought it would be two or three weeks to get the house closed down and move. The BestGirl stepped in with an offer to do it for me. Tithe came to fill my needs. #1son and family, ReRoy, Mom, Sis....my friends Sunny Girl and KMA and so many more stepped up to help that I was sorted, packed and gone in three days.
And now I'm deep in the heart of Texas with MoBluz again. He has done an amazing job of hauling and moving things so I don't have to. He's made fine dinners, homemade soup, grilled me some BBQ chicken and we have been singing together again....I haven't had a bad day since I got here. It's a big change for both of us. It may be a wash out again, but it's a second try for love. I can't skip even one chance at that.
The bookings are coming soon, the bills are getting paid, and we are enjoying our days the best we can. There are things that aren't perfect for either of us, but we are trying to deal with them openly and with gentle words. It's good. We are still under stress, with no "regular check" coming in and the home needs a lot of work when the weather cools down...but it is do-able in small chunks.
I've done so much more just moving my body and getting out of the computer chair to live since I've been here that I've lost six pounds. I have energy again. I wake up glad to be in the new day and ready to leave what I touch better than I found it...He's smiling and laughing more, too.
So there's been a shift in location, health and attitude. There are multiple problems with relocating that I'm taking on one at a time and while it's confusing, it is getting done. For now, I'm an imported Texan.
The landlords are good people, the friends I have meet through Dennis are good people and I'm smiling as I type today, with laundry hanging out to dry and a list of chores to do before the first rehersal with the new drummer for the rebuild of the MoBluz Band on Saturday.
Wish us luck and send your prayers. We are on shaky ground trying to start over again at our ages...but we are gonna give it a shot. Worst we can do is fail, and it's not like we both haven't done that before. But we may succeed.....and won't that be fun to write about!
Stay tuned for updates. I'm gonna try to get back to this once a week for awhile so I don't lose track of how far we've come....
Thanks for reading and hugs to all of you!
And having the music back in my every day is bring me a quiet happiness.
Do you remember, that night in September
...when so many never came home again? When days went by while families pray the Lord would keep their loved one safe. Miracles happened that day for the ones that were spared. Grief and changes were the portion of those that lost their loved ones. They continue to this day.
Anytime, you're feeling lonely
to thank your luck stars you aren't fighting or feuding with anyone...at least, that's what I try to remember. There are worse things than lonely.
I'm not dead yet. I wasn't taking bets on it, however. I have been in for my heart twice in less than four months. I still don't think it was done correctly the first time, but it seems to be mostly better now...
I had a run in with a doctor who believed the correct place to vocally accuse me of being in again because of my own negligence was while I lay on his table, directly after my surgury. I am not happy about it. Not only is his timing abominable, his manner angry and accusing, but he had his facts wrong and he owes me a BIG apology....
Dr. Fritz, a cardiologist who works out of Butterworth or Spectrum Health in Grand Rapids was rude, not just to me, when I was almost completely defenseless, but he went on to be abusive and rude to my sister, who had done nothing but the best she could for me for months now. So, yes, his name is here to be Googled.
I was told that it was my own fault that I was back so soon because I would not take my medications.
Now the doctor at the last hospital gave me coupons for my meds, knowing I had no income. The problem was that - and I'm guessing it was because of the coupons - that he had to re-issue the prescription when it ran out after 30 day.
Three pharmacies in two states and myself called that man's number and could not get him to take the time to renew the prescription. That is why I could not get my meds.
Even if I had gotten Medicaid (and because I am NOT an immigrant in Michigan I can not get Medicaid, there is a freeze on it unless you qualify as disabled...which I haven't, yet. Yes, they TOLD me if I was an immigrant I could have gotten it. Talk it over with your Representatives...) if he would not call and renew the script, I could get no medication.
We all tried. It was not my fault he did not fulfill his part. Having Dr. Fritz, chose to verbally assault me with incorrect information did NOT make me happy. It made me less happy that he would not listen to my explanation - or my sister's explanation, which was the same as mine.
And really, even if you have to work on someone you believe is not taking care of themselves properly, is directly after the procedure, before they are allowed time in the recovery room the place to discuss it?
But at least his skill level seems to be superior to that of the previous doctor. While I am very tired very often right now, I hadn't slept well for weeks before the procedure...I'll get caught up with myself eventually and start feeling like moving around and singing again.
I can't say enough how much my family and friends did to get me through this. I know they think NOT being there, for some of them, was rough, but it was what I needed at the time - just space to be tired and worn without worrying how I worried them....
I had transportation, food, phone calls, yard work and almost everything, right down to house chores covered the last few weeks - and I know they all love me.
I love them, too. The ones that were around and the ones that couldn't be around or that I asked to just pray and let me rest....
But I am very upset about Dr. Fritz's manner toward myself and my sister. All he had to do was call the pharmacies to check my story...and he did not. He lambasted me in front of his staff and then did the same to my sister.
I have waited to address this to cool off and consider if I was over -reacting...and I don't think so. In my opinion it was unprofessional, rude and callous. And to get after a relative for another persons faults (if it HAD been my fault) is inexcusable....so I'm going to be making some calls...
I have a follow up apt. tomorrow, NOT with him. After I'm home I will address this issue.
And thanks to all of you that have sent your good wishes and prayers to me. I really appreciate the smiles you've shared....
Keep enjoying today - it really may be all you have...
We've got tonight
Who needs tomorrow? I guess, if you get all you can do done today, you don't...but silly humans keep expecting it to be there...
I'll do it later, I'll mend my fences later, I'll call my friend later - whatever you think up and pass over with the expectation of doing tomorrow you have to be willing to leave undone.
There are not just the two of you in the equation. There is all that can happen in less than a minute to change lives...tornados, earthquakes, hurricanes....lately oil spills are big on the list....a lot of people here in Michigan that planned on doing a little yard work tomorrow are having to pack and move today. They found out oil spills don't just happen in the oceans and now they are being asked to leave their homes....
Some things only you can do here. I keep trying to remember to do those things today. Now. I try to remind my people to do it now.
My "now" has been getting much shorter than "tomorrow". My last heart procedure doesn't seem to have done the same job of making me feel better that the first two did. I didn't feel much better from it and now I'm planning on getting it done over, soon...and wondering if I can make it through a fourth heart procedure. Lots of people do.
But I am not putting things off as much as is my usual habit. And that's not bad.
If I don't call someone, it's because I know all is well between us. If I wait on writing a bill it's because I know someone else can write it later if I don't get it done.
But if I have something to share from my heart, I'm getting it done now. And that's messed me all kinds of up lately.
I keep opening my mouth or fingers on the keyboard and what I see comes out. Usually, and we have discussed this between bloggers before, we edit ourselves for our audience. I'm still doing that but much less.
I have an amazing family, loving and caring kids, every one of them and including my sister's children and a few strays I've picked up over the years, a loving mother, good, better and best friends and they have all been as supportive as they can while I am feeling puley.
There should not be even one that does not know I love and care about them. I got that done every time we talked, visited or typed each other. So did they. I am loved.
So as I negotiate the financial difficulties, the paperwork for help, the inability to do much of my own chores and such, I have had all the love I needed.
And you really don't need more than loving care between one another to keep spirits filled with contentment and joy. Content, knowing we have done what we can for each other, joy that we had what we needed to do it. And peace, knowing we have loving hearts that care with more than words.
We have done the best we could. Every one of us. While there are dark times and thoughts unshared, lonely tears in the night, fears and stress of life unspoken by many of us, at the very bottom, we know if we just open our mouths and tell someone, they will care and help us the best we can. Even if it seems a small help, that someone cared is always big enough to get another over the hump and moving again.
There is no shame in having a need. But you should feel like an idiot for not sharing it with someone, because we can't fix it if we don't know it's broke. Sometimes we can read hearts, but none of us are mind readers. And those that care, even if they can't fix it themselves, often can help find a way to deal with it. But YOU GOTTA SPEAK UP!
And now, here is the truth as I know it. There are things you will feel you can't say to another living human, no matter who they are...there are needs you will have that you can't believe will ever be filled....
Speak them to NoMan. Just speak them. Say them to the universe, pray them to Jesus, but get them outside your head through your mouth and start sending them outside yourself and see what happens.
Nothing changes until something moves. Words are vibrations created by you. Those vibrations, small as they are, continue through the ether and I believe they affect the world around you. Yup, they are invisible. Yup, you can't measure them easily. But I remember that they can listen to words through the walls of houses now with electronic instruments - by picking up those vibrations....they are real.
So move the world. Speak your need, even to no one, and I believe something/one hears. I believe someone cares and will respond....
A friend called last night to offer me a night at the fair. I had to tell her I couldn't go. So nothing really happened....but she offered and I felt good knowing I have a friend that knows me so well and cared that I didn't have my trip to the fair this year. I felt cared for. I hope my thanks helped her feel kind and caring. I think that something happened. Even though we never left our homes....love was exchanged.
And I think that is where I was going with this, we've got now, tomorrow is so very much not promised. If you are holding on to something loving for another, please do it now. Give them that hug, tell them they did good, give them a hand with chores, drop off a book.....
Don't wait to exchange the love between you and those you love....please, do it now.
I know you can't maintain the constant thought that you may not get later. When tomorrow keeps showing up, it's hard to think it might not be there next time you need it. And no one wants to think about partings when they are having fun loving right now. That's okay. Just try, once every day, to check your heart and get done what ever you have to for another to know they are loved....that's enough.
I think it's better to do it when you get up, then at least you have today to get it done in. At night, you are often tired and out of time for doing - that's when you can be thankful for what was done for you and what you were able to do....I like that.
If I make it until Monday, I think I will be going back to get treated for this latest whatever is not right. If I don't make it, I know all my people know they are loved...except one, and I'm working on it...today.
Love is all you need
I like the Beatles...and I grok their enlightened music that some never understood.
I have been living what I believe and life is carrying me forward, still. I have had what I need provided, one day at a time to the point where I can't avoid sharing it any longer.
I have paid the mortgage, the utilities are covered, all with no income.
Money comes in the mail, it comes from out of nowhere, it comes unexpected, and it has kept coming.
I keep sitting here updating and building websites, cheering on my friends and family online and staying cool and it just keeps coming....
My health is shaky but I know that is covered too, in it's proper time. While I'm here I love and care the best I can.
I'm telling you again, if there is something only you can do, do it now.
And if there is something you need, pray. Call it what you will, The Force, the Source, the Creator, God, Bubba, the Big Kahuna, there is a loving divine being that cares for each of us. I call it "Hello, Central?" a lot, because I believe that through that being we are all connected.
Even sitting here alone, when I care enough about some one or some thing, to pray, I see a response. I have seen it bring homes, vehicles, computers and love to those that are lonely...and I see it keeping me covered here.
It's real. And it runs on Love.
So love green, love rain, love the kids, love music, love your partner, love that funny looking dog, but LOVE! Do things because you love doing them, and send the love in you to those you love, even just with your thoughts, and it will enhance their lives and ease their days......
Last night as I lay down and dealt with the pain I was experiencing, I closed my eyes and started to ask for relief, when a deep sky blue flare of a star lit up behind one eye (and ya, I know that's weird...so? it happened) and I knew that one somewhere prayed for me so strongly that I received a visible representation of their love for me....
So what? The pain started to ease and I slept. I slept a full seven and a half hours. I woke feeling rested....I have been sleeping in four hour "whenever" bits, having to be sitting up, not getting any real rest for weeks.....
It may not happen again tonight. But I know last night, those that loved me prayed and got me some real rest. I feel a little easier today.
We don't die. There is a Divine Being, God, Goddess, whatever - that cares. Do unto others as you wish they would do unto you is the only way to live because we ARE all interconnected as one huge creation.
So be good to yourself today, by being good to someone in your life. And if you can't get right over there and see them, send a little love via the interlifenet....pray. (meditate, become one with the source - I don't care what you call it)
I know when day is done
that a new world comes at dawn....
Gotta keep looking up. Things around here are speeding up on me. New friends made and lost, old friends rediscovered, music to make, places to go...it's all starting to spiral down to change...
I know that where I go is where I am needed to be. I just don't know yet where I'm going.
Today was the last unemployment check.
I have internet for two months, phone for one, enough for the first forebearance payment to the mortgage company and a month's utilities. I've made all the calls I can think of to make to find help for keeping the house long enough for it to sell, it's been listed for a few weeks now...if it doesn't sell or rent, life is going to get very interesting....
It is a beautiful day out and I think I'm gonna mow the lawn later.
Then I have to make some decisions.
Stay or Go. Try to meet my obligations or walk with what I have saved? Yard Sale? No question there, just gotta try to pick a weekend....
I've been here the longest of any place in my life. I used to be used to change. One year I moved nine times...with kids. I can do this. It's time.
It's time to see what else life has to offer, to not be tied to animals and property, to be free to write. I can keep the computer and cell running off the truck, if I can keep gas in the truck...
It's a little overwhelming and a lot to deal with...life has been so good for me here. I have had all that I needed and enough to share so long that I'm a little afraid of going back to the "your welcome" side of life. But I have been there before, too...
What's next is always strange to ask...anymore it meant what will come to me that I can help with....right now I'm looking up and reaching for a direction...and something to fill the gap in the finances....but the book said, "don't take money, an extra cloke or food, just go do what I told you." It's not like there isn't enough to go around...there is...
Living what you believe can be more challange than you think. I guess I'm going to see if I am up to it. I believe I will be provided for in some way, a job, perhaps, or just pennies from heaven...I have to wait and see.
I always think, when things get hard, maybe I won't make it much longer and it won't matter. I've had three heart attacks now.
I'm not having the next one from stress....
I didn't have much of a Plan A, and I don't have a Plan B at all....I know it will work out as needed to put me where I am needed..
But I'm going to be tumbling with the tumble weeds for awhile, if I live long enough.
And as I am still here, I think I'll go mow the lawn....
It's been rough and rocky traveling
but I'm finally standing upright on the ground....
Had to cut my visit to TN short. I would have pouted but I know that the time I gave up is letting another friend reach for their dreams. Can't hardly be upset about that! Studio time in Austin is not to be passed up. So they had to go and I wandered on home.
I'm getting caught up with myself. It turned out to be a whirlwind tour. I met so many people and saw so much of the country that I can't remember where I did what hardly.
I love the hills, rocks and rivers down there. I loved the people I met. Just folks trying to get through life loving and caring about each other. I loved the music I got to share. What a bunch of talented players and singers!
Nashville is cleaning up at warp speed from the floods. The folks are out and singing in the streets again although the crowds are thin still. I had fun seeing the sights and shopping for tourist trap presents. I avoided the tackiest ones - like this:
Murfreesboro was a whole new place - none of it seemed familiar this trip. But last trip I found a creek with a big rock in it, a hole in the rock was home to a frog who looked too big to get out of the hole. This trip there was a tree with a busted limb that had a hole in it and....
I remember the night and the Tennessee Waltz
and that's where I am, Tennessee! I have been to Paris, Parsons, Nashville and Murfreesboro. Today I'm headed for St. Louis, MO to see the Gateway to the West again. I haven't been there in many years (about 24...LOL!)
I'm having too much fun and enjoying a lot of music with my new friends down here.
More later, but the battery is going down on this machine so I'm outta here!
Walking the floor over you
can't sleep a wink, that it true....LOL. Hello all. Haven't been here in awhile. I'm very sorry. I had been feeling a little run down about the time I posted last. Didn't realize it wasn't the winter blahs until my heart started to kick up again...
The 16th I made some calls and found a ride to a hospital over in Really IS a Big City. I had a rough go as they refused to believe morphine doesn't work on me. Apparently dilatted doesn't, either. But when, 8 hours later, they finally moved me to a room, the doc only left orders for morphine....tears just ran down my face. I wasn't really crying, I just hurt so bad that they didn't believe me, that my face leaked.
The nurse on my floor went through the channels and got me some demerol, which does work, at 1 in the morning...amen! I finally got to sleep about two. When I woke up I went to war with them for following insurance protocols when I don't have insurance. Some dipstick actually said, "Well, we're not sure you're having a heart attack." I looked right at them and said, "Is that what the records will show when I point out you gave me 3 nitros and asprin in ER and the results of the blood work?" They had already tolk me my markers for heart were up....idjits!
So instead of waiting around sucking up hospital time and services until Monday, all of a sudden I was 15 minutes from getting fixed up. They let me out the next day. My kids took me home. On the way out, as our elevator going down opened, we ran into my friends, the harmonica man and his girl, on their way in to visit...LOL! It was a fast visit, but they were glad I was getting out.
Sis spoiled me for two days, doing my chores and errands and such and then I got back with the program. I over did. I wasn't feeling as good after this proceedure as I had after the first two. With the other times I felt like I could dance (I can't much, but I felt like it) and this time I was just wore out and blue all the time.
I had commitments to fulfill though and I got them done over the next three days....then I went home and collapsed. Tueday, for Bible Study, Sis brought a cold to show and tell. I caught that and a few days later coughed my vocal cords out...no voice again. It's still gone, darn it. I needed it to sing with this week and just croaked along, instead...
Yup, had a jam after Bible Study this Tuesday. I've been feeling better, though I still tire easily if I do too much. Tired of walking half a mile being too much....oh, well.
I went to visit Jeanette last night for no apparent reason and ended up being needed to chauf to pick up kids for her. It was fun to yak and after we got the errand done we visited until after midnight. We shouldn't wait so long to get together and maybe we wouldn't need such a long visit to get caught up with each other.
So I'm still here. Just been trying to stay that way. There is a lot going on right now that I'm waiting to see what happens next on before I bring it to you to share. But I have had one whole week of family, friends, music, smiles and joy in my days without a marr. It's been wonderful to just relax and enjoy the days.
Get out there and enjoy summer! I'm headed out for some of that, myself! Later, all!
Well it's spring time in the rockies
and I'm full of mountain dew......
Just thinking spring today. It's my son's birthday and it's beautiful out, like it was the year he was born.
And thinking I have paperwork to do - but then there is a salad to make for a bbq later for another friend who is having a bday today, too. But not as nice a one as my boy is having. So some of us are trying to pull together something to cheer him and his wife up. Maybe I will do paperwork tomorrow....
Things are coming together and falling apart all at the same time around here. I just get one thing figured out and something changes....grrrr. But a good grrrr....so far.
More later, right now I have to enjoy this sunshine....
Sing it loud, sing it long
Sing for you and for me....
I gotta sing more. I worked up some tunes for the band and went to meet them. They are a nice bunch of guys but it didn't mesh for me. I can't hit their keys to do harmony and I can't hit some songs in the key they are recorded in so I change keys...they haven't been. I sent them some photos I took and a piece of the recording I did that night but never heard back from that email...so I guess it didn't work for them either.
Went out Saturday with my friend's to a jam over by The Big City. I got to ride along for a change, not drive and it was fun. Four of us went over together. There were already pickers going at it when we got there, about 6 of them and more waiting in the wings. I settled right in and started enjoying myself. Then my friends, Smiling Girl and her Big Buddy walked in the door...she hadn't seen me so I got to sneak up on her. That was okay until she squeeled her joy in my ear...LOL! I hadn't gotten to sing for them in a very long time and having them in the crowd made a place I'd never been feel like home. It was a great night and we were almost the last to leave. We all got to make plenty of music.
And I've been working on http://www.mibands.com/ as a site to post contacts for the bands that I know are good enough to work anyplace and my friends, besides. It's starting to look like a real website. I need to get the country band page up and see about adding a couple more bands I know to the site...
But I was sitting here with my heart full and my arms empty and went to look back at this blog...at the end of this month it will be five years of notes on my life...the last four the hardest I have have had. And it isn't getting any easier.
I am used to the mate being gone now. It still can bring me tears at unexpected times and the days that were "ours" are still hard to get through. I've tried and failed to find another man to be with...I have friends, but no one to claim me as his special partner. I'm lonely a lot, even though I try to stay busy...and losing my job in August of '08 has left me unemployed long enough that even with the federal extensions, I'm out of benefits before this month is over.
No income. I don't even know how to think about that. I can't seem to decide how to handle it. The house hasn't sold, but the mortgage company called because I sent an interest payment last month. There are still weeks of cold left and I won't be able to meet my obligation to the propane company...I can pay the bills for another while and then I don't know what happens next. Should I throw it all up and walk away or keep trying to sell while I go deeper in debt? Will FIA help?
God has blessed me with enough for all I have needed all this time. But because I can't see how he will do it next, I am becoming worried. Not a lot worried, but concerned that I don't know how I will get by and there is no one that is right here for me to work it out with like I would have once with the mate....I suck at decisive.
What will the next days bring? That's why I'm still here. The posts have become fewer, but I still want to know what happens next and I'm still loving and living. I can't seem to get worried enough to actively be concerned. I feel like things will work out for me - a job will come along or something will break my way...
So stay tuned....Valerie is still riding solo, Miss T. Crane-Neeham is still contemplating life and I am still looking for love and singing...but it might get pretty interesting in the next few weeks. I guess I will have to wait and be surprised because I can't fortell the future all the time.
And for the family and friends reading - I'm sheltered, warm and functional. I have lots of food. Until I can't get tobacco, life is good...as long as I still have coffee and tobacco, my two main addictions, it's all good. So don't freak. I'm still okay for a bit yet before I won't have any good options. And I have options. I just haven't seen the need to take them yet.
Wish me, and all the other unemployed, luck.
A winter's day
drinking coffee and catching up with friends online
when I heard someone coming in the back door...
This is a Michigan woman...
one you WANT to see coming after a snow storm...
My crazy sis drove 15 miles down to plow me out!
She has the big truck and I have the small one.....
and after she left this is what I have......
And when I went back on line I found
she'd left me another gift...
This little guy is way early
but he goes with my new life motto
from my neice today -
"I'm not sure what's going on, but when has that ever stopped me?"
Life in the fast lane
Wednesday I sat up the PA at a local pub for a friend's bday party. We played til late, shot pool and enjoyed the evening.
I'm checking out a band next Wednesday that I might be doing backup and rythym guitar on....maybe. They do rock and country and I'm not much of a rocker - but I've been picking up a little of it. I might make it work.....
So I'm not telling any long stories here today - I have some more music to learn.
I love you all - see ya when I can.
Starry starry night,
paint your pallet blue and gray....
Winter - bah and hum BUG!
I'm in hibernation mode. Eat, sleep, touch base on line, eat more.....not doing much at all. Did learn to make DVD slideshows with music and am having fun with that.
Just not wanting to share much right now as Grama always said, "if you can't say something nice..."
Am not feeling nice.
But I'll be better tomorrow....
And my birthday and the following Saturday night party were both filled with friends and music. It was a lot of fun...
I don't know why humans can't keep the joy from one good time for more than a day or two....I really had a great time and so did my friends...I got some fun but pitiful recordings and totally enjoyed myself.
And I did play at a party this weekend with the country band and had a great time. Got to be the hero for some friends with car trouble.
And I sang out two nights with the band....that was good.
It's all good. I just forgot. :)
You ain't see nothing yet
has been playing a lot in my life. I hope it's right - cause I was wrong. I have NOT been back here more often. I am still busy in the "real" world. The music is drawing me out a lot lately. I played with friends last night and may have a one night a week gig there coming up...fun!
My bday was Tuesday and I'm having my own party Saturday. Hoping for a great time but no matter who shows up, Saturday is the day I will celebrate. Tonight I'm gonna do the 'bake ahead' foods and as soon as I have food in place I will start my own partying....I'm due.
Still no news on the job front. Still holding down the fort and paying the bills. Still helping others as I can and still glad for the family and friends I have in everyday that care about me.
I have several projects going on the computer I want to get after and I'm having issues with CD's not playing that I give other people.....I hate that...but I learn a little more each screw up.
Just wanted you all to know I'm still around. Will catch up later.
Hello again. Wow, it's been almost a month since I posted last...very sorry. I remember when my day wasn't complete if I hadn't gotten my post up.
Summer was busy this year and winter promises to have card games and jam sessions in it, inspite of the travel difficulty that snow brings. I am almost looking forward to it. Today I started writing again and I expect to continue through the 'slow' season. I've missed it.
Still not much happening on the job situation in Michigan. I have a few friends who found work but there is no promise that it will be permanant, they are hopeful and I pray for them. I have family that had to watch their friends be laid off and left without income again...we can only pray for them, too, and help where we can.
I have been well cared for in that I have had all I need and to share, even being on unemployment for income. The bills are paid, the house is warm. I am thankful.
a little herstory.....My dad broke his leg racing motorcycles the year I started 8th grade. I would be going to the high school with 'the big kids'. We had five kids and not much income that year.
A woman from our town took me out to shop for school clothes. She taught me about "mix and match" and got me a beautiful dark green cordory skirt, vest, jacket and slacks along with two blouses, underthings and penny loafers. I felt like a million bucks in those clothes for months. I have never forgotten how what she did made me feel and I have often used it for the reason to help another young teen... I wrote her a thank you note but I never felt I had showed how much what she had done meant to me until the first time I gave a woman in the cold a coat of her own.
I had a chance last week to make a girl's birthday a little brighter and lighten her father's load. He will be having neck surgury soon, and has no income at this time. He knew what he wanted to do for her birthday. It brought me great joy to be able to help him reach his goal for her day and in turn he repaired my electric guitar, so it doesn't squeal and such anymore. And Divine Intervention brought the funds to do it all to us. I applied it where I saw it was needed, but it was His money anyway.
Yesterday a friend came over and spent the day with me. We did Christmas projects, ran to town and back and just had a good time together. ...and, knowing the girl and her father could have a great day, I smiled all day.
This week I get to bring the grandgirl home for a night. I think she and I will try bowling or something then make the christmas cookies I need to get done. I'm looking forward to it.
I am thankful that all the family seems to be doing well right now and are able to help others in need as we go. And I am thankful that my friends still stay in touch that can't get over to see me...our timing doesn't match sometimes, but I know we are still friends.
And I'm glad you stopped in to read today. I'll be back, sooner than I have been doing I think.
See you then.
that it looks like up to me
I been sick...
Finally caught the flu I'd been dodging for months. Wouldn't be so bad but I fell on some steps the night the bug caught me so I have been left handed and sore all over for the last several days. I'm getting over it now but still have the head congestion. At least I got part of the use of my shoulder back.
I have been trying to get stuff done but things seem to conspire against me. Missed an appointment I had already reset twice...hate that. Can't get to the cousin's house until this afternoon and it's been nagging at my heart to get done for days. I have a small fridge to deliver to a friend and can't find a healthy back to help unload it - I sure can't do it right now....just minor delays and annoying circumstances, no major problems, but it drags at me.
I'm gonna get 'er done! I want to get things back where they belong - on track.
My unemployment being messed up put my budget out of whack but I think that is going to get fixed this week and be back where I know what to pay when again. I'm thankful. I like covering the expenses and running legal.
Some kids looked at my house and I don't think they will buy it but they will dream about it and dreams are good to have.
My friend I've been helping with paperwork has an appointment Tuesday with a worker for SSD and I have my fingers crossed and prayers going up that they will finally see he needs the help they can give him. He's really been down so long that a mole hill looks like up. We should be able to take care of those who are ill better than that.
Getting ready to hunker down and write in place of other (perhaps more fun and social) activities for the snow season. So I'll be back here more often. I'll get caught up with all of you again, too.
Thanks for dropping in.
Been layin round n playin round
This old town too long - so I'm gonna whip this off and go to jam in the next town over.
I got the unemployment straightened out. I qualified for a Bridge Card/food stamps - 16.00 a month. It's a tank of gas....I can use it.
I'm good till the end of February and if the new 20 weeks counts for me then I will be good further on down the line...or I'll find work.
Am pleased to report that my grand, BigE, got a job as a temp that may go full time if they like him. I was so GLAD for him. He has been looking over a year, too.
Helped a friend get emergency help with their electric bill. Now trying to get the SS Disability filed correctly for them. Six hours on line filling out forms and probably four more to go to get it finished....but we are getting it.
So I'm stayin busy. I need to update websites this week and get the bills mailed today.
But I'm doing the forms later this afternoon so I'm headed for a jam session.
Maybe then your blues will fade away...
I'm up for the winter. Still need that one turn signal changed in the truck and an oil change, but it's ready, too. I even have two or four projects for winter around so my hands and brain stay busy. I might hang a few windblocks over open doorways and I have to wire the heating pad up on the bed, but that's a few minutes and it's done. Then it's winter.
I went to town yesterday for myself. I stopped and applied for foodstamps. I applied for a job. I got my emergency unemployment applied for and laid in a few supplies. Now it's just wait and see if I am approved for all of that.
House and truck up, paperwork done....got a card game to go to tonight at five up north...
So why am I sitting here feeling "under the weather?" I would like to hope it's just "the mopes" but I'm pretty sure I'm missing my last companion. I don't know why. We are good. We got things straightened out with no major hurts to either of us and will be jammin in the future...
But our paths have split and I know it's not going to change again. I made contact with a man way up north that was interested in meeting me from a dating site. It seems like we might have a good time together except for the miles....I haven't quit and I'm not bitter or mean feeling about anything....
But there is a joy missing today that I had not so long ago for just a moment....
I think that is what I am missing.
So if you have love in your day, enjoy it while you have it. I know I have had it. I know it's real and I know it can grow again....
I miss it.
Turn me loose, set me free
somewhere in the middle of Montana...
Today I could go anywhere I want. I COULD go anywhere I want. No dogs, auto feeder for cat, enough gas money.... I had to cancel...
Today I'm going to reherse for the wedding at the other friend's house and have dinner with them. I will be making a side trip through town for errands. I won't get home until late.
Tomorrow I have friends that need to be at appointments at ten in the for crying out loud, morning and then people that need to get to the food pantry and I'm their wheels.
That gets me to Tuesday bible study - now I could blow it off but it's important to mom and she is bringing a new lady to us this week...
okay WEDNESDAY I can go anywhere I want - I think. But I told someone I'd give them a hand Thursday or I'm hosting a jam session or something...
I don't believe in tomorrow, but I seem to plan for it anyway....
I have had a rough week and I'm blowing it out here. So leave now if you don't remember me from before the death of my mate.
With each of the men I have tried to build a relationship with there has been an issue I can't seem to do anything about. My last friend had no problem with it. Then it happened.
I woke up to an empty bed where someone was supposed to be.
Now that may not seem like much of a problem. For me, it has become a panic situation. I didn't know that until now even though I had it happen before and once it threw me into full blown, climb in the shower and turn on the cold water hysterics....I didn't catch the "key" that put me there until this time.
I don't know how to explain knowing that "no one is there" feeling I get. In each case I woke and KNEW that my companion was "gone"; not where they should be.
I woke up, felt the "gone", cried, "Oh, no!" out loud. Called a name. Got up and ran to look for them in the bathroom, the kitchen.....repeated my cry. Opened a door and found them sleeping in the other room...felt relief that they were not dead (and this surprised me so much I just stood there for a moment. I did not know that I was seeing gone=dead until that moment).
I asked why they changed sleeping places.
"I couldn't sleep. You were snoring."
I closed the door and came apart. Not hysterics, but helpless sobs of despair. I dressed and left, still crying.
I can't stand waking up to that "no one is there" feeling. It's very bad.
I hate sleeping alone.
I totally hate that I am driving a companion from my bed.
I have tried strips, pills, sprays, and anything else I could find with my last companion. Nothing worked. But I have had no problem with it for months now.
To avoid that panic when I wake up, I have to go to bed alone.
I think the reason I was so messed up the last time this happened is that I think I have to go to bed alone forever....and, oh, my sad heart.
I won't risk the freak out again.
But I'm so lonely. And I am so sad.
When I have a man in my life I can love then all is well in my world. That relationship makes all the difference to me. I'm in balance with the planet. I have a place to stand that is mine to fill and I do it with all my heart.
When I am alone, with no love in my life, then the grief returns. I KNOW that man would still be beside me - he always was. Then I miss him and his love and the love I have just failed at. A double dose of sadness.
My heart still loves. I want to live with love in my days.
I don't see how it will ever happen.
I have the music, the writing, the web sites...I have a home and food and wheels. I'm very blessed. I can see it.
But I have no hope anymore of finding a partner here to be with everyday...and all night long. No touch, no holding, no hugs, no kisses....
I'm here. I'm okay and functioning.
But as soon as I can clear the calendar I am making a "fall run". I'm grabbing the computer, camera, guitar and a change of clothes and booking for nowhere for awhile. It will only be a few days but I expect it to give me some perspective again.
This feels like a death. I know it's just an adjustment to life. Changes happen. I can change. I can change. I have changed.
So to all the lonely people I have to say, I know how you feel....but I wish I didn't.
Well it's all right, ain't feeling too good myself
But it's all right. I'm staying busy today. Gonna get these posts done and mow the lawn one last time then winterize the mower and trim the hedges. Then take photos to remember fall by.
A friend of mine seems to draw those in need to him. This is the second litter born under his porch this summer. They are beautiful kittens. The black is really a very dark tiger. He needs to find homes for them very soon. So if those of you in the area are still reading here, HELP!! We found one a home but have three to go.
This is the jam bunch from the Good Times at the closing party. A friend used my camera during the night and did a very nice job of taking photos for us. There is a lot of music stored in those people, from the very oldest country to rock and roll - and they are a great bunch of guys.
Running through the fire
It's the fourth bday without him. It has hit me hard. I have tried to love on here but have failed to connect in that permanent way with another man....
Having had love, knowing that the trust and joy is real, I have no real choice but to continue to seek it again.
But Sunday is going to be empty again this year.
If I could live backwards, I would - but I can't.
I can only know that if one love was real that all love can be real...
But this weekend I just wish.....I'm tired of failing.
He was my success...and I was his. I miss it.
With the dogs gone this building is an empty shell I inhabit for lack of a way to shed it.
I really need a hug.
They say heaven's at the end...
but so far it's been hell...
Watching two people lose their business, their daily routine, their contentment with life; it was a sad night. Even knowing it may bring joy to their lives in the long run to have this change doesn't make it easy to stand beside them and find words to cheer them.
We had five players and four singers last night. With a friend's help, I hauled the little pa back over to set up and the music was great. Then, after the ones that had to work left, we stayed until the last minute with our host and hostess. I played the last game of pool with three others...
I had help loading the pa back into the truck and gave a couple people rides home. I hung out at the last place with a few that were stretching out the night just because it was the last one they would have coming back from "their" bar...we talked until dawn and then I went home.
It was a proper wake, all in all, with none of the bad things drinking can cause to mar it. Everyone was being tolerant and gentle with each other.
It was interesting to see how much a small bar in a small town affects so many lives in so many different ways. It was a point of contact for friends, a rallying point for gatherings to help each other, a place to be for those that are alone where they could be treated like family. News, benefits, music, games and just a place that got you out of the house, it was like a second home for many. Losing that one business in one small town affected so much more than the owners.
I have the chore of the day done and have an errand to run yet. I have paperwork to go through and calls to make tomorrow. I have music I want to record and practice to do on the wedding songs. I didn't need to go to the bar very often....but I'm going to miss it, too.
Turn out the lights, the party's over
they say that all -- good things must end....
My friends are losing the bar. I feel really badly for them. They have been there seven years and the economy just took them out. Leaving your daily routine and changing your day's tempo is so very hard....I know.
There is a party to finish it all off tonight. I'll be there with the music for them one more time and so will the players that have been coming in to entertain with me...but it will be a sad night for so many of them. It's a place that was Cheers for them, everyone knew your name and if they didn't, they welcomed you. We will all miss it.
I'm singing at my nephew's wedding and have been rehersing with his other friend to get our songs together. We have three more weeks to get it right...we're working on it and it's sounding good. Just a matter of finding time.
The truck has new rotors, new slave cylinder in the clutch, new bolts on the anti sway bar and needs two tires to be up for winter....getting them tomorrow. A friend set me up with her mechanic and the team that showed up was the one that helped Jeanette get her house back up. It was good to see them all again. Now I have it up for winter and that is a peaceful feeling.
The leaves are turning. I'm holding on to the green, still, but it's slipping away.
My kids are all doing well and I'm glad for that. Sis and Mom and I got smart and moved bible study to earlier in the day so they don't have to dodge so many deer getting home. Small changes to the days keep coming.
Another friend called and is happy for the first time in a long time. I was glad for them.
I have one girl - daughter of a friend - that is going through a very dark time right now. She is on the prayer lists but her heart is so sore and life is throwing her an awful lot for a teen ager to deal with....and all I can do is hold her in my heart. She has cut her wrists twice in ten days. I think they will have to put her where she can be watched over and I want to see her get the help she needs. I do what I can. It seems pitiful small.
I am going to be doing the hard thing soon. My dog is having trouble even breathing through the night, can't get around good, probably her hips, and isn't able to control her body anymore. Shadow was a combination rescue/gift and I'm going to miss her a lot. But I can't watch her hurt anymore. Tomorrow or Friday she and I are going for a last walk in the woods and I will leave her there with the help of a friend.
I'm trying to keep it in perspective, she's 9 or 10 years old and that's a good time for a large dog....and she's been loved and cared for. I will need to move sometime and it's hard to find a place that will let you have dogs if it's not yours...so it's probably all for the best in the long run. But it will be another change in my days and I don't do so well with changes as I used to.
So there's the good, the bad and the beautiful day in life here. I'm okay. Winter is coming, I'll be back more often.
One is the lonliest number
you will ever chose....But you don't always get to make the choice. It got made for me again last night. And when I got in the truck to drive away that is the song that was playing. Kinda blew me away.
That I was expecting it doesn't make it easier to deal with.
That's the word that's haunting me today. I know that how another person has to chose does not make me a bad person, just not the right one for them. And it's better that it happen before ties are made in the real world that take so much work to untangle. I know it's better to sleep alone in peace and safety than to be with someone who is not happy with you.
But I can know all that and still be sad that I didn't make the cut again with someone I'm confused about why I even cared so deeply for them.
It wasn't looks, it wasn't money, it wasn't even a physical attraction - there was just a part of us that touched that isn't visible. And every time it manifested he got freaked out. We can get right in each others hearts...and heads...know the next chord, the next song, the next word...feel the joining between us like a current of electricity...
That is what I loved. The affection and protection he provided and the connection to more than a body gives.....it was so good for me.
And it was so hard for him. I can't be angry. I am only sad.
But I'm up and it's tomorrow. I'll be okay later.
Ridin' solo still.