Someone to watch over me

So I can't say if it was hallucinations or gardian angels. I can't tell you why I had to come back. I can't point to a map and tell you where the place was I went. I only know these things.

It was a place with substance and form. I was still my self, this may be because I was sent back. It may be that we remain aware of ourselves. My friend was in deep southern Florida. My other friends were all over the map. None was in the city I was in. Angels or hallucinations, a hallucination can't carry you to the bathroom when you have been "mostly dead", fill a glass, hand it to you where you can't get up, or hold your hair away from your face because if you let go to do that you will slide to the floor.

I believe we all go there when we die. I believe we are stripped of all the negative aspects of our lives. That we are all loved, every minute, by something hugh enough to truely do so. That what we do here is important here, but not there, unless it creates love, shares love or teaches love. There is more than hope for an afterlife, there IS an after life where we still have a purpose to fulfill. Generating love.

This is why I can not wish the mate back here. I have always wanted what would make him happiest. It is why I can not eat a bullet to join him. I believe that if you suceed at suicide it was your time to go. I also believe that if it is not the right time for you to leave you can NOT succeed. So suicide is not a sin. It is just another way we are gathered up.

When you have bad things happen to you then you understand the pain and hurt to better help someone learn to deal with the blow and open up to love again after the pain passes.

I believe that in every life, if you can just wait, good things will come to you. The entity I saw wanted everyone to be happy and feel loved. We work with that soul when we share the love that is given freely to us by it. It cared about ME. It knew ME. It loved me - not "anyway", not "inspite of" but because it can do nothing else BUT love each of us.

I was there. I saw it, I felt it, I experienced it and I grieved to leave it. But I still insisted when I was returned on thinking "things" were important. What I do or don't do can affect the world. And it can, but only if what I do is motivated by love.

There is help if we ask for it, always. There is an entitiy that loves us as we are and for what we are, always. We are separate from yet still part of that entity's "life force". Still "Self" yet belonging to a greater whole of loving power that spends it's existance just sending love to us.

Anything that knows self and other has a place there. Yes, our animals go there, too. I don't know that grains of sand don't know self and other on a scale to small to show me. I don't know that everything does not contain a bit of self and other knowlege.

And maybe that is why all weekend the force insisted on me repeating this story. Rewriting it a hundred times, trying to relive it. So I would remember....

The mate is there. He is happy, loved and loving there. That, of course, he can hear me because he is part of the self's generating the love for the entity to send us, that he loves me still and that I will always have what I need because he wants me to be happy and loving to others and help them be happy and loving to each other. That he is now doing what he did so well here still, loving others just the way we are, no strings.

I saw it, I don't have to take it on faith, I just have to remember it. And that I have to share it. The story of how much the mate and I loved each other, our children, our pets our friends and being together as just one small part of what we can look forward to in our future. And the story of the love I met when I died.

For me, his friends and family that he loved so deeply and well the mate created a little bit of that wonderful place here for us all to enjoy with him. My legacy from him is to keep it a happy and loving place for them all still.

And to share the story of the great love that is out there, that is truely loving YOU personally, as it does me, all day every day.

I have tried not to use tradional terms for this experience because I did not experience it in the terms I grew up with. There was no man with a trumpet guarding the gate, there was nothing of a body shape of any kind at all. But I knew some of them were "human" and some were "animal" and some were 'other' and the light was just "itself".

I need only reach out for it. I am trying to do this. I miss the love the mate gave me every day. I want to FEEL I am loved still, as the entity I met loved me. I need to feel that inside the essence that is ME. But even though I was there, felt it, saw it and experienced it, something is holding me back. It's not lack of faith, because I believe what I saw was real. I think it has something to do with being afraid to lose control of myself, to trust. But as long as I control me and love does not guide me I am trapped inside my pain.

What will help me tap into the love I know is there? I don't know. But I believe that help will come and I will feel the love again, before I have to die.

All prayers are welcomed, I will answer what questions I can, just ask.

But I do say this did happen to me and for me it is a truth.