10/24/2009

Maybe then your blues will fade away...

I'm up for the winter. Still need that one turn signal changed in the truck and an oil change, but it's ready, too. I even have two or four projects for winter around so my hands and brain stay busy. I might hang a few windblocks over open doorways and I have to wire the heating pad up on the bed, but that's a few minutes and it's done. Then it's winter.

I went to town yesterday for myself. I stopped and applied for foodstamps. I applied for a job. I got my emergency unemployment applied for and laid in a few supplies. Now it's just wait and see if I am approved for all of that.

House and truck up, paperwork done....got a card game to go to tonight at five up north...

So why am I sitting here feeling "under the weather?" I would like to hope it's just "the mopes" but I'm pretty sure I'm missing my last companion. I don't know why. We are good. We got things straightened out with no major hurts to either of us and will be jammin in the future...

But our paths have split and I know it's not going to change again. I made contact with a man way up north that was interested in meeting me from a dating site. It seems like we might have a good time together except for the miles....I haven't quit and I'm not bitter or mean feeling about anything....

But there is a joy missing today that I had not so long ago for just a moment....

I think that is what I am missing.

So if you have love in your day, enjoy it while you have it. I know I have had it. I know it's real and I know it can grow again....

I miss it.

   10/12/2009

Turn me loose, set me free

somewhere in the middle of Montana...

Today I could go anywhere I want. I COULD go anywhere I want. No dogs, auto feeder for cat, enough gas money.... I had to cancel...

Today I'm going to reherse for the wedding at the other friend's house and have dinner with them. I will be making a side trip through town for errands. I won't get home until late.

Tomorrow I have friends that need to be at appointments at ten in the for crying out loud, morning and then people that need to get to the food pantry and I'm their wheels.

That gets me to Tuesday bible study - now I could blow it off but it's important to mom and she is bringing a new lady to us this week...

okay WEDNESDAY I can go anywhere I want - I think. But I told someone I'd give them a hand Thursday or I'm hosting a jam session or something...

I don't believe in tomorrow, but I seem to plan for it anyway....

I have had a rough week and I'm blowing it out here. So leave now if you don't remember me from before the death of my mate.

With each of the men I have tried to build a relationship with there has been an issue I can't seem to do anything about. My last friend had no problem with it. Then it happened.

I woke up to an empty bed where someone was supposed to be.

Now that may not seem like much of a problem. For me, it has become a panic situation. I didn't know that until now even though I had it happen before and once it threw me into full blown, climb in the shower and turn on the cold water hysterics....I didn't catch the "key" that put me there until this time.

I don't know how to explain knowing that "no one is there" feeling I get. In each case I woke and KNEW that my companion was "gone"; not where they should be.

I woke up, felt the "gone", cried, "Oh, no!" out loud. Called a name. Got up and ran to look for them in the bathroom, the kitchen.....repeated my cry. Opened a door and found them sleeping in the other room...felt relief that they were not dead (and this surprised me so much I just stood there for a moment. I did not know that I was seeing gone=dead until that moment).

I asked why they changed sleeping places.

"I couldn't sleep. You were snoring."

I closed the door and came apart. Not hysterics, but helpless sobs of despair. I dressed and left, still crying.

I can't stand waking up to that "no one is there" feeling. It's very bad.

I hate sleeping alone.

I totally hate that I am driving a companion from my bed.

I have tried strips, pills, sprays, and anything else I could find with my last companion. Nothing worked. But I have had no problem with it for months now.

To avoid that panic when I wake up, I have to go to bed alone.

I think the reason I was so messed up the last time this happened is that I think I have to go to bed alone forever....and, oh, my sad heart.

I won't risk the freak out again.

But I'm so lonely. And I am so sad.

When I have a man in my life I can love then all is well in my world. That relationship makes all the difference to me. I'm in balance with the planet. I have a place to stand that is mine to fill and I do it with all my heart.

When I am alone, with no love in my life, then the grief returns. I KNOW that man would still be beside me - he always was. Then I miss him and his love and the love I have just failed at. A double dose of sadness.

My heart still loves. I want to live with love in my days.

I don't see how it will ever happen.

I have the music, the writing, the web sites...I have a home and food and wheels. I'm very blessed. I can see it.

But I have no hope anymore of finding a partner here to be with everyday...and all night long. No touch, no holding, no hugs, no kisses....

I'm here. I'm okay and functioning.

But as soon as I can clear the calendar I am making a "fall run". I'm grabbing the computer, camera, guitar and a change of clothes and booking for nowhere for awhile. It will only be a few days but I expect it to give me some perspective again.

This feels like a death. I know it's just an adjustment to life. Changes happen. I can change. I can change. I have changed.

So to all the lonely people I have to say, I know how you feel....but I wish I didn't.

   10/11/2009

Well it's all right, ain't feeling too good myself

But it's all right. I'm staying busy today. Gonna get these posts done and mow the lawn one last time then winterize the mower and trim the hedges. Then take photos to remember fall by.
***


A friend of mine seems to draw those in need to him. This is the second litter born under his porch this summer. They are beautiful kittens. The black is really a very dark tiger. He needs to find homes for them very soon. So if those of you in the area are still reading here, HELP!! We found one a home but have three to go.
***


This is the jam bunch from the Good Times at the closing party. A friend used my camera during the night and did a very nice job of taking photos for us. There is a lot of music stored in those people, from the very oldest country to rock and roll - and they are a great bunch of guys.
***
I'll be back. I need to get some stuff out of my system but I have been holding off. Thinking on it, ya know. In the mean time....I gotta go borrow some hedge trimmers. Later all.

   10/09/2009

Running through the fire


It's the fourth bday without him. It has hit me hard. I have tried to love on here but have failed to connect in that permanent way with another man....

Having had love, knowing that the trust and joy is real, I have no real choice but to continue to seek it again.

But Sunday is going to be empty again this year.

If I could live backwards, I would - but I can't.

I can only know that if one love was real that all love can be real...

But this weekend I just wish.....I'm tired of failing.

He was my success...and I was his. I miss it.

With the dogs gone this building is an empty shell I inhabit for lack of a way to shed it.

I really need a hug.

   10/01/2009

They say heaven's at the end...

but so far it's been hell...

Watching two people lose their business, their daily routine, their contentment with life; it was a sad night. Even knowing it may bring joy to their lives in the long run to have this change doesn't make it easy to stand beside them and find words to cheer them.

We had five players and four singers last night. With a friend's help, I hauled the little pa back over to set up and the music was great. Then, after the ones that had to work left, we stayed until the last minute with our host and hostess. I played the last game of pool with three others...

I had help loading the pa back into the truck and gave a couple people rides home. I hung out at the last place with a few that were stretching out the night just because it was the last one they would have coming back from "their" bar...we talked until dawn and then I went home.

It was a proper wake, all in all, with none of the bad things drinking can cause to mar it. Everyone was being tolerant and gentle with each other.

It was interesting to see how much a small bar in a small town affects so many lives in so many different ways. It was a point of contact for friends, a rallying point for gatherings to help each other, a place to be for those that are alone where they could be treated like family. News, benefits, music, games and just a place that got you out of the house, it was like a second home for many. Losing that one business in one small town affected so much more than the owners.

I have the chore of the day done and have an errand to run yet. I have paperwork to go through and calls to make tomorrow. I have music I want to record and practice to do on the wedding songs. I didn't need to go to the bar very often....but I'm going to miss it, too.