Can't get back to you

Backs came up in the conversation last night as I talked with Jeanette. We were talking about hurts in our friends. She spoke of a carbuncle she once saw, I spoke of one Mom mentioned last Tuesday, on the back of Dad's neck that went so deep that when it was removed and healed you could still feel the hole.

The idea was that it takes a friend to see we have a problem with our back and it takes someone besides ourselves to fix it. You have to trust them with your back. You have to turn your back on them, make yourself vunerable, to have it fixed or even scratched.

She said "we can't see our backs either" and I saw that was mostly true. You can set up the mirrors to see it, but you still can't reach it to fix it without help. It takes two.

Interesting to me was that we can't see behind us. Can we see our pasts? Or have we taken hurts from there and filed them in our hearts without giving them a good look?

So often when we care and then it fails we take it to ourselves and accept the blame because we don't think the one we love can do anything wrong. It really is the truth that it takes two to make things work out. Even when you don't want to see it sometimes the one you love screws up, too. Sometimes they dump on you and then you take it to your heart and you feel you failed or should have tried harder. It lowers your view of yourself, lowers your self confidence and you show that by how you treat yourself.

When we show our past to others, they may see it differently. They may have a word to share that shows it to you in a different light. They might even be right! You reconsider your past in the light of your friends eyes and see that maybe you are carrying something that wasn't because you failed. It was because it takes two and you both gave up or even that the one you loved didn't have what was needed to work it out with you. You may have really done the best after all, in that particular situation.

Those tags that stick out and collars all twisted and the itch we get where we can't see it all take a friend to fix for us, one we can turn our back on. It takes one that we can trust to care to share our past hurts with and get, perhaps, a new perspective on them.

I have friends I trust with my back. Not as many as when I first counted. To really turn your back and walk away when they know so much about you takes an act of faith. To leave your truth where it can be shared about you, that takes trust.

The one's I say, "I have their back" to someone are the ones I will do anything for. I have my sisters, the Mom and a few friends that I say that about. It's how I say I love them. What ever I have is theirs.

Who do you turn your back on and who scratches it when you itch? Which people will always tell you that you picked wet paint to sit on? When you have a problem, who do you see for comfort and even if it's just ten bucks, who says, "Never mind, I 've got it!" ? The friends that love you do.

Having a front is wonderful and I can hide a lot behind one. But the truth sticks out to those I trust to turn my back on.

When Johnny comes marching home

if he can still march...

Just a note that two articles on the problems facing wounded Vets and a Commission Report were added to "The Invisible Wounded". I have let that blog slide since the neice is married, out of the service and has a child now. I get mail and it gets hits still. There are lots of links to places for Vets to look for help.

I see the president didn't schedule on purpose a run with a Vet on steel legs the day the report came out. It said so in an online article. Being a disappointed American, I don't believe that.

I hope they do something besides study on the problems. I hope they fix them.

In them old cotton fields back home

For my friends, Kate and Debra. They are As I see it now and Johathan's Closet on the side bar.
I went back to crocheting and tatting a bit, not too long ago. I hope to do more. I wrote this for a friend. You get the modified version.

I tatted this quite long ago, one perfect cross. It is the one perfect thing I ever made. I give it to you as a gift. Then, this gift within the gift, was given me to share with you from Him.

I said I had made it,"all by myself" but then, He says to me."Let me show you, friend of mine, what you didn't see."

"Did you see the rain and sun and the perfect cotton seed that said,"Oh the pain, I break in half! I think now that I die!""

"It didn't die but grew and flowered and said, "I'm perfect now it's true. my lifes work is through.""

"But the fruit of the plant was taken from it and men had found a way to weave it into many things.The cotton plant died that day."

"Someone took the extra time to make a perfect weave of thread so tiny, light and fine. It's strength went to it's head."

"The tiny thread took great pride,"I'm so long and strong and straight.I'm perfect now! I'm the best of all!."""But wait", I said," my thread came in a ball."

He says," I know -you should have heard what that made our poor thread feel.It felt each twist and turn and lap as it went on the spool".

""Now I'm a mess, what good am I"said the thread. "Men are just such fools!To take something as perfect as me and put me on a spool.""

Into my hands came the perfect thread -so fine I could barely see to work my pattern of rings and chains into the tiny cross it would be.

I counted and watched my fingers as I pulled each ring up tight.Like magic the thread never broke;it had been woven for me, just right.

I unspun each wrap, undid each twist and for a moment you could see the perfect straight thread between my hands but it was not to be.

Never straight again that thread,and live cotton not again nor a seed beneath the sun and rain but a perfect cross instead.

You can not see the many crossesI have made before.I finally made one perfect cross and my pride was full.

Then He said, "Each named itself perfect as it wasa total complete creation but it was really something else."

"Each of you is many things more than you can see.I create with each of you what I need you to be."

"Never name yourself complete or say your life is done.You can't know what I have planned, you only need to trust."

"I take each life grow, pluck and weave the beauty I have seen and match it to the pattern of all that is to be.

Who made it?" he asked, "You", I answered, head hung down in shame. "You, too." he graced me,"With what I made of you".

Much more humble nowI offer you this piece of tatted lace,that was all those things, if you can but see the truth within the thing.

But most of all I hope you see the truth he's laid on me. It's a gift that he started long ago -from Him, to you and me.

If you ever change your mind

We do that all the time. It seems like a good idea then one thing will change and we go a different direction.

I am trying to walk a path alone still. I confess to being spoiled, I liked walking as a team where each did what they could each day to help the other over humps and rough spots. Even just doing chores is more fun shared than done alone.

I confess to having dreams of a love I can trust again. I decided I am greedy for love again when so many have never had even one love go right for them. It doesn't stop me from dreaming, it just makes me glad I know that true love is a reality. It's not a fairy tale. I pray for the others that haven't known one to have time to grow a true love, too.

You create it between you. It's new and different every day. It grows and sometimes wans, but if it is true love, you fan the flames and again it shines.

I think, for me, the truth of true love is that nothing was allowed to damage it. Not a word or action to hurt my friend, nor one by him to hurt me.

We did still hurt sometimes. Getting tired or impatient, cranky or afraid we could use hurtful words and have fights. We never let them last. Most often we met between two rooms, where we had gone apart to think and cool off tempers, both seeking to heal the breech between us. Willing to give up the battle and the prize, for the love we needed every day.

Thoughtless actions, accidental situations and such could put either of us where we brought out hurt and jealousy in the other. Always before the anger, the hurt asked for the truth of the situation and we worked it out. It was always understandable when you knew the whole truth of the story of the day. We did not lie, not to each other, anyway. (Note: at least I never caught him in one! ) We gave passes for money and gifts to be gotten and surprises like that, but we never lied about our hearts. You can't have love like that.

I even wrote not always perfect here. "Where were you so late?", he'd ask. "Your mustache smells funny", I'd say. Fretting, even after the first ten years, that we'd lose our treasured mate. It was not so much a lack of trust as a need for reassurance in each of us. We changed as we aged. The beauty was faded, our ability to be able to do certain jobs and chores was leaving us. We would both sometimes get afraid.

Those words really meant, "Do you still love me?" We both would give our answers and laugh at the other's fears. It was nice to know he still worried a little, as long as he didn't really ever think I would do anything to hurt him and our "US". He liked it when I told him he couldn't carry a spare helmet on the bike, no female riders, it meant I thought he was still cute enough to be stolen from me.

Our reality was we trusted. We are humans and had histories that were not always pristine and clean. Not even close, actually, we were lucky to have gotten out with any hearts left at all. We both had shames but we trusted anyway, in love, and we pulled it off.

This is all coming out because someone said to me, "Cheaters will always cheat." I have to say it isn't true. What is true is that a real love changes you.

Your heart yearns to see a smile on the face of your partner - all the time, if you can. The fear of hurting them and their heart lets you go the extra mile to always act as if they were standing right beside you.

As small as the world is, it's almost a truth. You can bet trouble makers will enjoy any word that might hurt something they don't have. So you have to walk as a trusted friend, even when you think no one can see. It lets you have clear eyes to say, "I don't want anyone but you." It lets your heart be light and your mind clear and lets him smile and say, "I had fish for lunch. How do you know what a mustache smells like? and laugh their fears away.

For me it gave me a peace I had never known to be able to say, "I had to wait for a truck tonight at the shop. I got home as soon as I could." and know it was a truth he trusted by the hug I got then. We believed each other. We trusted and we were friends.

I have lucked out and get to set my sights high for a true love again. I was blessed as I walked my darkest days with friends that knew I was hurt.

So yes, love changes people. Yes, sometimes you start with the best of intentions and it's you who can't carry through. You never know the future. All you can ever do is live the truth of your love for the other person. No lies, no sneaks, no hurts from you is half the battle. If they offer that to the love between you, that love changes from just friendship to true love. I believe it can happen between two who are willing to give it all they have.

I am alone. I walk that way and smile. Someone will come who knows I can love in truth and want that enough to try. I will be able to say, "I have been waiting for someone like you to love me. Since him there has been no one but you."

I feel that is a treasure rare in a world of condoms and hotels and such. I have decided to carry it as mine to offer someone special someday, as long as I can. The flesh is weak, I know. But it gives me a goal. Few have such a gift to give. I don't even expect it from a new partner, if I find one willing someday. A love that trusts my heart and lets me trust them is gift enough for me.

I never understood before why we have to value ourselves. It is to have the gift of our true love and selves free to be ours to give. I have left those behind that used to have a claim on me. It was only earned by the time that passed, safely, while I loved the mate.

I am truely free to love where I please now. I see that as a gift given to me.

You've never had a friend like me!

I love the movie Aladdin!

Things are keeping me near home right now. It's ok, I like it here and I have what I need, mostly. It looks like I will be sitting here like Aladdin's genie in it's bottle for awhile. I'm just waiting to see who rubs it this time. So come on over.

Jeanette and I were talking about this the other day. Sometimes it seems like we are on hold in our own lives but someone else needs our time or our money or our help and we are busy helping them. So much so that we don't even realize we are not getting what we thought was important done. Then our own needs catch up to us and we scramble to get them back in line.

Now there is nothing really wrong with this. We are humans though and once in awhile we look around to see where the Genie is for us. I have seen them. I need this. Poof, someone comes. I fill their need, they take care of mine. It's kind of like magic.

What I see it as is love. Loving care of one another and the knowing you will never be turned away empty handed unless there is no way we can help. Even then we may just send you on to the next genie, we try our best to help when we can.

To all the Genies in my life, thank you for your help. To all those who rub the bottle I am in, thank you for letting me be the one you came to with your need. I love helping you get what you needed. It really is a joy to me.

It doesn't matter if it is just an encouraging word you ask for or the key to the car. I am glad to help however I can. Just remember, you have to rub the bottle, to get my attention. Then you have to ask so I know what you need. Even Genie's can't always guess right.

Don't hint, don't be delicate, I might get it wrong. Just say right out what you think you need and if I can I will help. So will Jeanette, or her kids or mine or the guy down the street that scraps, if getting rid of steel is what you need. I know him, too. He might need his lawn mowed. I get to help both of you then. That is even more fun!

I know you can't get here often, I know you have lives that take your time. I also know you love me, so it's ok that you don't come or call very often. I don't get over to you as much as I would like, either. But we always have fun when we do. That makes you my Genie, too!

It looks like a horse in striped pajamas to me

God Bless Captain Kangaroo! I wish he was on DVD for the grands!

Illusion - reality. Fantasy - truth. Thoughts that many have pondered. Most are more qualified than me to pick up what is which and say it back to you.

I love my sisters. They have all got things they do that I can't or don't do as well and they see that in me, too. We were quite a pile of ingenuity as siblings.

I see them best when they are the selves I knew when we were growing up - what I know is the truth of them. It just makes me smile. We used to do the funnest things to occupy our time. We had plays and circuses and made tents in the house on rainy days. We sang, made puppets, gave shows and played. We climbed the highest and the fastest in the trees. We nursed baby rabbits and baby coons and hurt pups and wounded cats. We took care of each other, too. They are good sisters. I love them all.

The one I was once closest to sent me that pic today. I knew what it was when I saw it and I laughed. Who wants a perfect patio, anyway? You say, "Your patio is perfect and beautiful!" and the conversation ends with their "Thank you". Now you have nothing to discuss.

With her patio now you can go from confusion at the illusion to enjoyment of the joke and then on to reality and perception and what conversations we might have, all because she had some talent and a sense of fun. This was just so HER! I love that!

There are no brick patios in condos, they are too heavy. But we are farm girls and bricks and stones in our home make us feel safer. Solid construction, earth in our walls, protection from the elements. I love brick and stone. I see she does, too. I smiled again.

Is her wall broken or whole? Illusion? reality? truth? I don't know - it's my sister's wall. I can ask her and she told me that she painted on the bricks and hole. I haven't put my hand on it so I have to take her word.

But I know her and her talent so for me her word that it's a painting on a whole wall is truth for me, too. If you don't know her and you only see the wall, what you think it is will be up to you.

I can only perceive things as I am built and taught to see it. That makes it only truth for me. You all see it your way. But when I trust a sister is telling me her truth, I can see it with her eyes and take it to my heart to study on and learn from. I trust her not to lie to me.

This time I just laughed because that painting on the wall is so much of the her I grew up with, I see her smile in it like when she was eight and we got the bikes. Big smile, lots of fun!

For me the truth is that we are to love each other here. Here is where I will spend the love I have. I pick where to share it and how much I can give. I am learning I can't run out of love, so I try to give more all the time.

Today I send some to my sisters, all of them, and the one that shined a smile on me today I send a little extra!

You rock, sis! Uh..... you're a brick! (insert groan here)

We'll sing in the sunshine

I was tickled today to see the ducks I saw resting must have been being busy sometime. Six or seven fuzzy babies dotted the water of the swale today, just a little ways from the reeds. The gaggle of geese was on the shore again. It looked like they were waiting a turn for the water and watching the duckies swim.

I love these little flashes of wild life. I get them often enough to make me feel like I saw Mother Nature as I go on my way to work and home again.

I wish Anvil was there with me, he would have gotten a photo. They are so wild if I slow down too much they start to hide away. Still, it was beautiful.

When I see ducks and geese and heron all using the same water I see hope for us to learn to share peacefully the same planet.

*****

I had the cousins on my mind and then she commented here. She called me and missed but I called her back and we got caught up with each other. She said, in her message on the machine, that I had been on her heart. How sweet! I love my family and friends!

*******
That brings me to a pet peeve - I am trying not to be peevish anymore but I have such a sense of curiousity - I get mystified by hang up calls. I have had two at the house and one at work this week.

Do they hate machines? I do, sometimes. Was it a wrong number? I tried *69 on one but it was out of the area or private or a cell phone. I don't know who wants to wait for the machine and then hang up or hear my hello and then not talk. I am good with voices, one word would give me a clue. Even just heavy breathing would make me laugh! I can always use a laugh.

I don't pay for caller ID because most of the time I can guess who it is before I answer. It's not like I have a million people calling.

I changed the message on the machine to try to encourage people to leave at least a name, I will call them back. I really want to talk to them. It makes my day when a friend takes the time to call me.

So anyway, I got that out of my system today. Thanks for reading.

*******

I had a lot of time last night to think. The heat got to me yesterday because the humidity was so high here, they even had a low oxygen alert, I heard.

I got so "under the weather" I left early and went for the house to turn on the air, take a cold shower and then lay down for a rest. I only rested about an hour or so but I felt much better then.

It started me thinking how quickly all this can end, again. It really is just "POOF!" you're gone, sometimes. I am not afraid of that but I worry about leaving undone anything I should have done for the ones here I love.

Then last night, when I felt better and after my hour of prayer, I checked the will, the paperwork files and ran over the debts in my head. Pretty much the kids will have an easy job from me. Sell the house, if I still have it then, the car and anything they don't want to keep and split it up. There isn't enough for probate, I don't think, when all the bills are paid. Just enough to give them a little fun to have from me. There may not even be that left when I go, I might spend it all.

I have taken the time to show them I love them all , I think, so they have no regrets. There is no fighting or hurt feelings between us. I am good with most of my friends, too. I have seen them or talked to them and they all know I care and that I love them.

So life is good and I am doing well and learning so much everyday. Except for a little snag or two and the mystery of the hang up calls things are pretty smooth.

The changes have slowed down a little and I have had time to catch my breath and think. I have fun, I sing and share the music in me, I write, get outside a lot now where I can think. I walk more and I feel better than I have in a long time. I get out and down to the water where I love to go, too. It eases my heart to listen to the water.

I was just counting my blessings and it's still a hefty job. There are lots! You are all part of my blessings, my virtual friends and the ones I can be with and the ones I don't see. The love rains down on me. I am glad to be able to see it. I am not exactly doing all I wish, but I am doing all I think I can and I am content.

I didn't expect to be able to say that again. It is true. While I have dreams and see changes coming, perhaps, right now I am content.

God Bless you all with contentment today.

Don't it make you wanna go home?

I was thinking about my Dad. He went ahead in 2002. Jeanette's family is coming up to work on the house with her and she was talking about her Dad yesterday. Another friend is coming up on his Dad's birthday. His Dad passed on last year. Then Mom mentioned her's last night.

I was playing Dad's guitar and singing one of his songs the other night. I was thinking about my love of the music and motorcycles and the other things I have from him.

I thought I might say this again.

I went to visit #1Son and #1daughter-in-law. They are the proud parents of a lovely young lady only 3 months old. I had a few things I had found for her and was going to drop them off.

I have traveled the roads many times between the big city and our very rural little town of Tiny so I was watching the scenery, sort of, and day dreaming when I realized it was my father's birthday all over again and started to leak.

It is not really crying, tears just kind of over run your eyes and slide down your face.I knew the whole week that this day was coming and I knew it that morning when I woke up. I got busy getting around to go and forgot it for a little while.

Dad died several years ago. I am old enough to not have any conceivable need for a parent but I miss him terribly at odd moments since he has moved on. Dad did a lot of things with his life. At the end he was self employed as a dealer in antique cameras, dolls and collectibles. He did well for himself and didn't NEED anything. If he wanted something he bought it.

This made the annual gift giving days torture for me. I scored a couple of times, with some music he really enjoyed, but usually ended up with a card and a big "I love you" in it for him.

It took me till he died to figure out what I could have given him for the perfect Father's Day gift. Actually, it took me till I had kids that were grown and gone. Just SHOW UP! Be there. Stop in and spend the day. Paint the garage, mow the lawn, bring or make dinner with something unique on the menu. Spend time with him!

I would like that as a gift from my children. Yard sales, flea markets, museums, book stores, junk stores are all fun to visit in a group. My gardening has gotten way ahead of me and I could use three solid 12 hour days of yard help. I want to paint in the house. I hate thinking up what to eat every night and the public food sources here are very basic or too pricey. Just love me enough to spend a day doing whatever I am doing with me. Share your time with me.

I arrived at the #1Son's and found fresh, yummy cookies and a table full of nicely arranged snacks on the kitchen table. (Go #1DIL!) Coffee was hot, smiles were big and we sat down to admire the eating child while we chatted.

I totally enjoyed the little one while the son beamed at his wife in a private happiness. The leaking re-occured and I explained to all that I had decided that on this day- every year - I would be with a loved one spending time with them in memory of my Dad. My children if I can, who ever else needs some time if I can't get to them.

He wasn't really the best Dad on the planet, I know he wasn't the best husband, he was maybe even a crummy brother, but he was mine and I love him.

If you have them, love them. If you don't, love someone who needs it.

*******
I know it's not a designated Dad day, I missed mine today though, thanks for listening.

Life on the farm is kinda laid back

This morning I had a sudden pity for those that live in cities again. I don't know how you live in such a place and find your joy in life. I know you do, I have city kids of my own.

The little swamp hole I drive by most days had a heron standing in the deeper part and two ducks resting, head to tail by each other, just off shore. In the reeds and on the bank, where the animals come to drink, there was a family of geese walking, five or six, a gaggle. What a lovely thing to see at the start of my day!

I slowed to enjoy it and couldn't stop but it was a quick feast for my eyes. The day is rainy and we need it so, it was what we call, "a good day for ducks". It was also beauty to me because I see the harvest to come will be better because of the rain.

I think sometimes the dark and rainy days in our lives are like that. They seem to only spoil the fun of that day but they are for growing the joy to come later. We appreciate our good times and loves more for a seasoning of hurts and dark days. Our hearts grow more tender.

I think of the river being so low and the ducks out there and the corn and I just want to go for a walk in the rain and soak myself in it.

I had another thought on Sunday that is much the same. Some one asked me once if I ever heard a creek that was out of tune. Of course, the answer was, "No".

My thought was that over the sandy bottoms and smooth parts, the creek runs silent. It takes rocks or trees that have fallen to give the creek a voice. They give shelter and rest from the current to the fish and others that live in them. The prettiest and noisiest places are where the water falls a long way and lands hard. Another voice cries from the narrow, tight places it runs through.

Water modifies the things it touches everyday. Rocks get smoother, the bark of trees washes away. Channels get deeper, banks further apart. It's all there for anyone to see. Each place the creek goes through it makes it's own place and sings what it finds to sing.

Other waters carry their own story, but I like the one I find in my creeks and rivers, the running waters.

I wish you all the joys of your lives, but thank God! I'm a country girl!

Information please, help me to get through

to her in Memphis, Tennessee. Rock on Chuck!

Once someone asked me, "How can you be here and there at the same time?"

I was praying today when that was brought back to me to contemplate. I had answered, "In spirit." That was true, at the time. We grow and change, we learn.

If, what I call the little "us"'s, are real we build them with family and friends and they are powered by our love for each other. All our love comes from the Creator, but we get to chose what we do with the love he gives us.

The love that I see between any two that meet here and become more than passing aquaintences is, for me, an US. Those two care for the parent, child, friendship, sister or brother love between them by the way they treat each other.

These Us's have their own existance separate from our selves. The friends I have never met here are still dear to me but the ones I have had time with to get to know are more vivid and more deeply understood, I think. That makes a stronger US between us.

We chose which US's we touch each day and which ones we treasure for years. Friends I had to let go of but that in my heart I still hold close I can always call on if our US is strong.

One that called me yesterday I hadn't spoken with since before Christmas. He had a wonderful thing happen for him and wanted to share it with me! God Bless him, I needed a cheering word. There was something I could do for him today and I will, of course, because he asked and I can so I will - as soon as I can get to it. And I spoke to his girl, a new friend I made through him last year. It was so good to chat with her!

The US I have with that friend has lasted over thirty years and only been touched in person a few times since we built it. We have never shared the comfort of a bed between us, it's not that kind of US. We have nursed each other through heart breaks and shared our love of music, we shared what we had when one of us was broke, we shared food, and cash and mostly, just seeing what was in the other to love.

It's an US I treasure though I can't touch it everyday and make sure he is doing ok, he can't get time for me either, often, to actually be with me and visit. But the US of us Loves on.

All my US's, large or small, new or old, let me be there with my friends and family. They never hesitate to call and ask if there is a need I can fill for them. They know, even if it has been years, that our US is strong.

I have an US with a girl I met last year for a few hours and only saw an hour or so this year. I want that one to be touched more but there is distance between us, so I pray for her from here.

A friend from 30 years ago, a woman who needed a place to stay back then, just lost her Mom. I went to the funeral knowing I had hugs and words she needed to hear. We have only seen each other about five times in the last ten or fifteen years. But she needed a touch of the love I still hold for her while she grieved and I took it there, confident of my reception. Our US is strong.

I needed the words she gave me that day and I still feel that first hug we shared and the hurt I eased in her by that touch. I knew the love she held for me from the touch of her arms. Not from the words. I was comforted by the knowing we were still real friends.

My sister was with me at the family party on Sunday and we broke bread and shared the day. I still look forward to seeing her tomorrow, if we both make it that far.

If she doesn't get kicked in the head by a horse or get wrecked in the miles she drives and if I get safely home from work then we will have more fun again then. There is always that parting to come with anyone we love here.

Learning to love still and walk on past that temporary separation is what I have been doing for more than a year now. We block out that knowledge and don't teach how to walk on past the hurt and grief. I have lost a brother, a father, grama's and grampa's and uncles and aunts and cousins and friends. Some when I was small and some when I was grown. I still have Mom but that one isn't going to hurt so much when she goes.

What I have learned walking through this place when I had to leave the mate behind is that all the love I have had here with those I love is still mine. They don't die and they don't stop loving, that is the very essence of all that is in Creation. The Divine Love is all there is. Each living cell of each living thing is love, that is the life in it.

With all of that love being His, and for me, Hers, their love for all being a Divine and Invisible US, down to the very air we breathe, I am always with the ones I love when I send my love through them, He, Him as it is said in our language.

This didn't quite go where I thought it was headed so let me try to make my point. Some times, out of the blue, a friend is brought to your mind. "I should call so and so," you say and then maybe, you do. Or you think of someone and run into them and get to talk.

I don't see a mystery there anymore. I believe the US of you is always there to be called on. I can't be where I want to and doing what I think is important sometimes. I send my love into what I have come to call the "Ethernet of Life and Love". I take it to the Divine Love and lay it to them to use as they see fit. They can call me to your mind, they can make you think you ought to call. You might just decide to swing by when you are in the area. They can remind me to call you, too.

Sometimes the thought to seek out a friend is so sudden and strong you just get right up and grab the keys and walk right off to go. This is the US of you and them, touching your heart and moving you by love.

Us's still take at least two to build and care for, they can have many more. Like the groups you belong to and the gatherings where you go, they build an US out of many. It still needs you there with your care for that group to get the balance right.

My US with the mate is fine, I can use it to remember how to love better now. The US of me and my father I have, too. I can draw on the things I learned from him here and still go on without him, knowing he loves me still. Our US didn't die, just their bodies did. All my US's, those there and those here, are love I can draw on or give as needed to those I love.

The ones passed on ahead have no real need for my love now, they are covered. I use the love they taught me of to help the ones I still walk with. I draw my love from the Divine Love but the love I have shared here taught me how to do that, too. Just ask. Speak your need.

Another friend I have told me he needed something of me that was not something I wanted to do. It was hard for me. I have done it, but only by continuing to send love in prayer and by asking for the strength to do as he said. He didn't really even ask, he sort of claimed the right to just declare it, telling me what to do. He is my friend. I accepted that from him. He hurts. I want to help. I do what I can. I pray.

When you have a love that ends for whatever reason, there is still the US between you. The hard part of breaking away or breaking up is having to let that US go. You can't keep it, you gave it to the US of the two of you. You can't build an US alone. You have to let go of that part of your love and leave it there, invisible but real, and still in your heart. Laying down a love hurts.

Disolving an US is never easy, if it's more than just a speaking aquaintence. When one of two decides there can be no US, both have to let it go. We get married, it fails, we divorce. We are mated and we cheat. There are many ways to hurt an US and even kill one, I think. Those injured and killed US's hurt us, some even years later, if we keep them to ourselves.

I take the hurts I get in a day from those I walk with here and say, 'I know it's all love but can you show me the love in this? It looks like fertilizer to me." He tells me sometimes it is. You lay those dead loves and US's down to him and he uses what you have learned from them to help you learn to love more like him. He can even take the pain from them once you see how you needed them - not for then, but for later - to love even better and more beautifully one day.

There is always one US that will touch each one that you never have to leave behind, that is the Divine US, God, who's love touches each bit of life. I call it, "Hello, Central?" sometimes. It feels like the old phone systems to me. The operator knew who had a need and who might fill it and where they were.

"Hello, Central?, I need the Doc! Jimmy fell and broke his leg!" The tinny voice would say, "He's at Dean's, Clara might have her baby today. Let me ring him up for you." Help comes.

When you love someone and bring them in prayer from your heart you touch that central operator. Tell God what you see is needed and give him the love that you would apply if you could. He will see that it gets to the one you sent it to. You can take that to the bank.

We really are all connected and by sharing out our joys and sorrows He teaches each one how to love better. More unconditional love is growing here all the time.

In the hard things we do for each other and the easy favor we pass on, we are always sharing out our piece of His Great Love. Love is Divine, always. Love is Life. Living is sharing that Love.

Love holds us all together and where we spend our love it is never wasted, it comes back to us in more love, lessons in love and growing in His love. You can't run out of love, you can't love too much. Share it where you feel it today, like I always say, hug someone for me today.

Inspite of what this says my truth is I still walk without a special man that wants to share my life. But I love while I am here. I love the ones I have with me. I see you do the same. You love. Because you are here, just reading, I can truthfully say, I don't walk alone, I just can't get over to hug you today.

Thank you for reading this long post. My heart was full today.

There is someone out there that asked me once, "How can you be there and here, too.?" I think all this was just to say, the answer should have been, "Because I love you."

Will the circle be unbroken?

Yup. Some of us are trying to get there ahead of the rest, though.

I had two family reunions this weekend. I got to the one with the Northern Cousins and found my dear Uncle G had hit a tree the night before.

He and his wife, my Aunt K, had been a true love and he lost her when I was in my twenties. I called on him for help getting through the dark place when the mate died because I knew he would understand where I was standing.

I don't know the whole story of the wreck but he was banged up pretty good. I took him some food from the party and tried to tell him how much he means to me. With Dad gone he is the closest thing I have to a man like Dad. They were blood brother/cousins. We call him uncle for courtesy.

Two of the 13 kids my great grampa had were there. Our Elders. I played old songs and sang with them. There was always music at our gatherings.

I caught up with the girl I met last year that is 15 now and still having troubles. We talked a long time. I hope I helped either of them.

Later Uncle G joined us, hiding his sore ribs and arms under a long sleeved shirt and bearing the stiffness and pain like we are told a man should. I whispered to him he was a great fake and asked if he needed some asprin...he laughed and turned them down.

His brothers I hadn't seen in years and years came and it made me feel the love we had when I was young at these events. Those gone were recalled and stories told while the younger ones listened and laughed with us.

It was a long drive to get there and long to go home again but for me it was part of the fun of the day. I stopped to visit a friend and met some of his friends from his church. It cheered us both to visit and I got to talk with people with hearts that care. How great!

Today's bunch is really my step dad's family but his mom has been so good to us kids I went out of respect. I really wanted to stay home and study and read and pray. But I got around and went anyway.

The sis was there and we ran a white elephant auction for everyone. It was fun. We sold everything.

I walked by the river and meditated on the state of my heart and how much the sound of moving water touches me. I watched a boy learning to fish and his mom. He and I talked awhile. I heard another boy play his guitar, a next gen musician, and sang along then took a turn for one.

I saw tiny pink flowers, cat nip in bloom, tiny purple flowers, butterflies and some bees swarmed around a swing set with one small child playing on it. Several adults went to her rescue and she was not hurt.

There was more food than we could eat and it was all good. There was more love there than I can say. At both there was laughter and hugs and we learned about what the rest are going through this year. We got caught up.

We need to gather together and share and teach and create these memories, even if only once a year. We share the love that birthed us and the knowledge of our histories and make more stories for the next ones to tell when we are not there for them.

We need to be caught up together and remember we are not alone. Even if we are only friends on the telephone, it's a touch of life and love. A sharing of thoughts is always a goodness.

So with all the past history and hurts and fights of family I still claim every one of them and they still claim me.

Love the ones you have today and when you have to leave let them know you are glad for the time they spent with you. Give them a hug before you go.

Love and time are all we have to share that is really ours here. Be generous with both when you can. When you can't reach out to be there and touch them with your love you can always hold them close to you in your heart and send it with your prayers.

Prayer for me is becoming thoughts of love spoken in my heart for those I can't be with each day. The ones that are here I can share my love with myself. The rest I have to send it through my prayers.

Just a little ramble through my thoughts today. But Love is what draws us to each other, no matter where we stray. We all walk together when we love.

Then they'll all come to meet me

"in the shade of that old oak tree"... I love the shade under the trees. It even feels different from the shade of a building or a rock.

I had a wonderful time last night! I got around and went to the jam session at the Commission on Aging. I had a couple songs picked out that were for the entertainment of the crowd we get, not my own current, bluesy type, and I was ready for some tunes!

I walked in and got settled down, looked up and saw my Aunt L! She was my father's brother's wife, my Uncle K. He went ahead years ago and Dad in '02. She is still my Aunt L and I was so glad to see her! I looked around the bunch up front I sat with and there was her twin, Aunt L2! That made me miss their brother, Uncle E, who could yodel.

We got some hugs and fussed over each other and then the party was getting started so we sat back down. I tossed my songs out the window of my head and searched for one I knew they would love to hear again. I nailed it! It isn't really a very cheerful song, it might be called uplifting if you work hard to find that in it, but it was one we all could sing and love the sharing.

People take turns and bring their own music, some new and some old. It seemed like most of them were playing pretty much alone. It kinda took the jam out of the jam session a little for some of the players that didn't know the tunes. Me, included.

When my turn came I asked them to do an old one with me, I asked them to all sing along. I called it in an easy to play key for the beginners in the crowd. I tried to cover all the bases, even though it left me singing deeper than I like. But you should have heard the music as all the instruments got played this time. It rang out! Mandolins, guitars, the upright bass, piano, accordian, fiddle and then we sang! The crowd singing was almost as loud as me on the mic.

It was just "Green Green Grass of Home", an old Hank Williams tune. But Hank had a way with words that touch a heart. And the thought that those we love will meet us in a place we all know is a wish from everyone that walks on down here alone.

They gave me the blessing of the applause a singer feeds their heart with but I knew the blessing for me was in the voices of my Aunts and their smiles. It gathered up a little of when I was little and watching them sing with their brother, Uncle E. They always sang, "Silver haired Daddy of Mine". It reminded me of good times and family. The power in music is awesome.

I got to see the tide turning and knew that, for the little ones coming up, I can sing and show them the joy in sharing music and songs, like the family I had showed me so long ago. It is why I took up guitar, I wanted to play and sing with them.

My Dad and Uncle K played and sang. Uncle E, too. My cousins play drums and bass, another plays lead guitar. Almost all of us sang. We have had the music at every family party and when the ones that taught it to us are gone still we will sing thinking of them and what they gave to us.

I thought I was going to play to cheer the hearts of those older and more alone even than me. I walked out with a comfort in my heart I can't really explain. How I keep trying to care for others and see what a blessing that has brought to me is just one of the little magic tricks of love if you can open your eyes and see it.

I left the Aunt's with Mom's phone number and knew I would be taking the guitar for the family reunion tomorrow. Most of the musical bunch won't be there and I might only have one or two to play with but a family party without music must be for some other family, not mine.

I know my kids love music, too and that is a joy to me. I love that I had such a wonderful time for myself when I thought I was cheering someone else.

I will never be the best and I might sing a lot of slow ones, but there are others for the quick step and the polka and I can play them and sing along. I will always love making music with my friends and family. It's another part of myself that I had left behind me.

New rule, love me, love my guitar and singing, or at least bear up under it and let me share it. I won't put it down again. It ain't gonna happen. It doesn't have to be in bars and clubs, a fire, a party is plenty enough and even just around the house. But when I feel like getting it out and making some noise, I guess I am going to need a man who won't mind it. Might be nice to have one to egg me on or join me.

There, I transferred out some fun! Have a dose of a good time!

Your love amazes me

So part of the horoscope today:
This is a day to appreciate what you've got - especially the people who love you. Compliment others and let them know how much they mean to you. These words and deeds will have a rippling effect that will bring you a great deal of good fortune.

I just think it is funny sometimes where I find confirmation of my thoughts and prayers. They come to me from friends I talk with and from strangers at the store. I can't even read a book or watch a movie anymore without a word to touch my heart and help me learn more on something I had puzzling me in my heart.

******

I have had a phrase come into my life that made me a little angry. Gremlin words. I got over that part of it. Then I sat down to consider it's application to my life. I saw it didn't just apply to me and my situation, it applies to all of us.

Let's start with this, just paraphrased: Nothing you put into your body defiles you. What comes out of your heart can, if it is hurtful to you or others, be considered a defilement.

What you carry in your heart is what goes out to others. If you are kind and loving or if you are hurt or mean or grumpy - that is what you share with the others that come your way.

Now a friend of mine was told someone who claimed to love them could not. The love was not really for him - it was a transference of affection for another.

Who would ever say to some one - "It can't be you they love." How hurtful! How thoughtless! That someone said that to my friend really hurt my heart for him. That was why I got angry.

How would I feel if someone said to me, "It can't be you he loves, he loves another, you just happened to be standing there. He doesn't love you?" I would feel unloveable, or that the speaker thought I was not loveable. Not a happy thought.

I took it as a learning and, once I went and prayed on it, I was given peace. What comes out of your heart is what is in it. When you are crumpled under a trouble too big you seek the love of those around you and transfer to them a part of it. You talk and share the load you carry and they lift a bit of it for you.

Where one post under a steel plate might splinter and break, six or eight can hold it and reinforce the one that held it alone.

We all transfer out to others our hurts and joys in our day. We transfer our disappointments and they are easier to bear with a friend who may only say something as simple as, "Tomorrow is another day".

We chose who to transfer which feelings to; We don't talk to children of heartbreaks, we talk to our sisters or friends. When finances are a problem we look for a banker. If we seek help with a vehicle we go to a mechanic. We search for a solution to our hurts and problems.

Everyone transfers a bit of the load and all of us carry a part of the hurts for a friend. It's what humans do, work together to get everyone through what life brings their way.

I stood up for my friend that burned out when she had a need I knew I could meet. She did that for me eighteen years ago. The time between meant nothing, she was still my friend, I wanted to help.

Her son, just a week ago, at 12:30 or so, was driving around with a friend. He saw flames coming from a house hidden by the trees. He made his friend stop so they could check it out. The boy driving wanted to just call 911 and go on his way.

Her son made him stop. He went to the house, saw the flames were real and found a window marked as the one a child is in, he got the little girl out. Then he took a rock and broke a window to wake that girl's father. He got the Dad out safely, too.

A mother came home from work that day to find her house gone but her family safe and a boy staying over at a friend's house still had his dad the next day.

Jeanette's son was there when we burned out and saw how his mother cared for us. He burned out himself in January and helped find and save his own children.

He knew what was important was that he was the one that saw the need. He knew lives might depend on it. He could not drive by, he had to stop.

We that cared for each other and showed it- and life itself - had transferred that to him. Two lives were saved and many touched because he cared and took the time to help.

So don't you ever tell me that if someone says they love you it is only given to you because you were standing there. They have to see something in you and know that sharing their love is safe with you. Hurts are too easy to get in life to be careless where we love in truth.

There is a time when grief is fresh perhaps that the loss of what was there everyday screams at you for filling. But no other fills that hole where one is dear. You have to close it with love and move on. You have to work through the hurt and emptiness. It has to heal, only one can do that.

If you are loved here you walk on to find joy in life again. I hurt, but I could transfer my grief and loss to my family and friends. They loved me and let me know it. They carried what they could for me and held me up in prayer.

It was enough to help me walk it alone and comfort the kids and help them work through their pain. I could take that from them as my friends and family took what they could of my hurt and gave me back their love to lean on.

I worked it out finally when I got over being mad at God and he sent me comfort for my heart. You learn again about the Divine Love.The knowing that we live came back to lift me up. I worked through that and I am moving on.

So if someone has a love for you, just remember this, you only transfer out what is in YOUR heart to give. We chose very carefully what to share with whom while we are here.

If some one chooses you to love it always shows that they feel in their heart it is safe to give it to you. It also shows they still have love in their heart to share.

When you trust in the love of someone, you believe that they will love you whatever comes. You can bring them your hurt and your anger and frustrations and know that they will love you, no matter what you transfer to them.

That trust can be given, sometimes, not even knowing it has been until you realize you keep taking the truth of what is in your heart to your friend.

Where you feel safe in someone's love you can share what you truely feel knowing that their love won't change because of a bad moment or a bad day. You can transfer your hurts and grief and pain to those that love you. You know they won't stop, even when you hurt them.

They will take what they can for you and lighten your load. The love doesn't stop because of hard times. When you love truely deeply some times you even come back to love again where trust has been broken. Love is amazing and strong and life itself is built on it's power. We all need it and few even find it once.

I felt so badly for my friend thinking that the speaker was right and it couldn't be love for him. All I could say is "Time always brings out the truth".

Time is so precious here I hate to tell anyone to wait for anything. I always say just go for it. He is very worth loving from what I see, I told him that, too.

He transferred some of his hurt in that to me. I took it and it made me angry that he had to feel that. I couldn't say anything to change what he is working through and he is too far away to offer him even a hug of comfort, but I offered what I could.

But once again I say to you all, thank you for letting me transfer my hurts and joys here with you. Everything is easier or more fun when you share!

Do you believe in magic?

I had a thought this morning and I wanted to explore it with you. If we few who gather here as friends are all that read it and try it then it should stay very small by the logical math we have been taught.

I have an idea it might get bigger than just one small group of people. It's not really even original I suppose. I have read other versions somewhere.

I have been thinking on the power of words. I have been trying to leave behind the ones we define as curse words. There is a power I have been seeing in the words I carried in my heart. I have been lead to go back over life again and had my views on many things changed.

I thought of little magic fairies that tap you with their wand and little gremlins that smile but strike with poision darts. What if the magic is in our words and has been all along?

I fell and broke a tooth off when I was only seven. I couldn't bear the caps, they cut my gums; I chewed them off in my sleep. I went to school with the broken tooth and the kids teased me so that I hid my mouth with my hand when I laughed and talked with my lips covering my teeth.

The gremlins their taunts were ate in me. I kept what I saw as the truth of them in my heart. I lived my life with those habits I learned from their words.

Finally, dental skills changed and a dentist fixed my teeth for me with no cap. My whole way of smiling, singing and speaking changed and I laughed out loud again with no hand over my mouth. My mother said, "What a beautiful smile you have!" when she saw me.

The gremlins were gone for awhile and I lived with those same words from her and others lifting me up. My heart was at peace. Just a few taps from the magic fairy wand, so to speak.

I am over 50 now but still I carried an over heard comment from sixth grade, "Ask Val to do it for you, she does it the best." What I did best, according to my friend, was fold, score and tear a sheet of paper in half. Even now, every time I find myself running a folded paper through my nails to get a good line to follow I hear those words in my heart and smile. It's was such a little fairy tap but I carry it with me still.

Sunday after church I went to see my neice. She lives up north but was at her Mom's, my Sis's, just between there and home. I saw her new baby boy and my nephew in law and told them he was cute. Then I hugged them both and left again, I had things to think about and left.

My sister came to bible study on Tuesday night and said, "The daughter said you looked beautiful on Sunday". I smiled and asked her to tell the girl thank you for me. It really touched me that she passed it on.

I had wanted to look clean and neat and appropriate for a church where I have only been a few times. I was wearing a skirt and jacket, NOT my normal mode of dress for on the bike. I had my hair pulled back in pins quite tightly. I had felt like a librarian, and a big one at that. Some one had actually said it was a nice outfit that day, no one said I was pretty though, I hadn't heard that since the mate died.

The good fairy magical thought made my night and I was right away put it as a happy thought and keep it in my heart. I might be pretty for some one special again, if my own neice thought I was pretty enough to say so. What a nice thing to do for me!

If you remember your words are the gremlin that can eat away at someone's heart with a thoughtless hurt and that you have the choice to be the magic little fairy instead, how would you talk then?

What words I say might be repeated, and what words I share directly may last fifty years for another. I see those things are truth.

So I am taking up my magic wand now and carrying it with me. I want to give the magic of kind and encouraging words to each one that I meet.

I am trying to find those gremlins now that litter my speech and toss them out - they are everywhere though and hard to catch, the little monsters are fast, too. They get right by my brain yet. And they don't come back once they are out. They stay where they land and feed.

I can't go over everyone here that reads and give them all I carry in my heart today. I would be writing for a mile. I just want to give a general tap to all that read here for now.

How could I ever have made it through this far, with all the changes in my life that have been so tearing at my heart if you had not come here to read and took the time to share that you were listening to me and you cared that I was here.

Thank you all, the silent and the ones that leave their encouraging words. I know that I could not have made it even this far without the love you have given me.

You let me put what I can share here and you treat it so carefully. Even when we disagree you still did it as friends.

There is nothing between two people that only know each other by what they write except their words. So if words have no power, why do I care so about each of you?

So I say my truth is that the power in words is that they show your heart. You have been my little magic fairy friends and I love you all.

Thank you for reading and caring and being there for me. I will still not be here so often while I am drawn out by the weather, but I catch up when I can and love you all for still being there.

If your words carry the magic power I think they do, as do mine. I challenge you all to tap someone with a word to cheer their heart. Watch to see what happens. Then, if you think of it, come tell us about it here.

Down on the corner

Rowdy in the streets.

My dog hates fireworks. We go through this every year. I have been worried a little because it has been so dry. My yard lies there brown and crunchy and the sparks fly all over. It's been ok and I love to see the sparklers in the dark but I have found Jeanette's dog has been right on my feet all week. He doesn't like them either.

I let them in and try to let them as close as I can stand in this heat and with the tone of my voice I comfort them as much as I can. I wish I could do more. But I won't spoil the kids fun for them because the dogs are afraid.

People have been bringing parts of me back to myself that I left laying behind me when I took up with the mate. I had them under control for a long time and now I don't have to anymore. I almost forgot that I was always the "Go for it!" kid.

I always stuck my neck out. I took care of others. I love a challenge. I speak my mind, that I have always had, but I have tried to learn to be more gentle with it.

People seem to be bothered that there is joy in my days already. Even the mate and I lived for the fun in life. We took care of what had to be and then did what we wanted to together.

Do it now, I have said here often. I say it again. For those who walk here with me I want to add..

Yes, I really love him. Love always lives on.Yes, I believe he lives. Yes, he still loves me, but he doesn't walk this earth now. I do.

I do and I love it here. I love my kids and family and friends and I love my dogs and cat. That is what I brought to him and that was what he wanted. My love. My loving ways with every day I live.

I only lived to get to him because I got sent back. The heartbreaks and shame I walked through left me wanting out. But I lived through the hurts and have turned my ways to one who walks me safe through here.

If the bad loves in my life didn't stop me from trying to love again, why would a good love? I have the way of it now, in my heart and hands and mind. How to take care of a friend, see his needs, help him reach them, pull as a team and get by.

I know that love is the best way to walk here with one special man. How could I waste such beautiful summer days looking back instead of being right here and enjoying living them now?

I can't . This blog is called "Forward Ho!", like move out the wagons because forward is the only way to see what comes next. Do it now, go for it, never miss a chance to have fun, learn something new and never miss a chance to love.

It's my love I put in what I do here and I still have lots of it to share. I have to do what I do best and just keep moving on. I walk with smiles and enjoy the little things that delight me. I just don't have one to turn to now and say, 'Did you see that?"

But I have friends and family so I share my days with them and when I see the chance for love for me I am not ever going to let it by. I have lived through all the hurts and all the joy I had. I can stand to screw it up again, but I can't stand not to try.

So there you go, I'm still here once in awhile but I am moving on. Walking one way an looking another always trips me up. I still have every memory and some of them still sting sometimes, but not because I have them only because I am not doing anything as fun as that right now.

I want to always share my love. That always takes two. While I wait for someone who wants the love I have to share I am not going to let it take the fun out of my walk.

So to society and your social emotions and expectations I say as I have said before - Screw you - I gave him a year and a day and now I am moving on. It's time for me to go out and play again.

He didn't break my heart, he didn't beat me, he didn't leave me for another. He loved me and I know I will catch him later and who ever I love here he will still love me just the way I am.

Of all the things we got right - first last and always, we were friends. Friends always want the best for each other, they are glad to see the other have what they need. I can bank on that.

No hurt, no foul that I love still, no guilt will I carry. I'm going on my way to see what is next and he is going on his.

That is the base I can use to build the next relationship. Of course I have to try again. I know how good true love is.

I walk with a light heart knowing one that is for me will come and be just the one I needed to walk with here all of my days and I will give him all my love and respect and joy. I have wanted just that one thing all my life. I want it again.