It's beginniing to look a lot like Christmas

at least in the living room and outside.

I just coasted to a stop on the house. I still have one wall to paper in the upstairs hall and the steps to paint then the trim to make and put up. I need to hang and rehang all the biker photos and posters in the spare room. I decided that around here that this is ambisexual decorating - our males and females ride, LOL!

I priced trim for the hall. I wanted black, white and grey to go with the marbled wallpaper. The stuff I found that I could live with had to be ordered and cost about 1.12 a foot. I decided to do photos of the kids and family in black bordered 4" squares alternated with a black and white paisley panel then cut and hang it like trim. The ink is cheaper than the store bought stuff. It will be fun to put together, too.

I have been sorting out the Christmas stuff from the attic instead of painting or wallpapering. I decided the easiest way to do it was to set up what I was going to keep and box the rest to give away.

The mate was the one who always enjoyed Christmas. We had a small fiber optic tree that he really enjoyed. The first time he saw them he had to have one. I would hang a few small ornaments on it but we usually just enjoyed the light show. It was easy to store and set up and that was a plus in my book. He would get the tree out and then sit there and stare at it until I "telepathically" realized I needed to get the rest of the ornaments out and arranged for the season. I would add the mistletoe ball and some tinsel, put up the cards we received on display and call it good. With cats and little kids we kept it minimal.

We had the tree in a big box that the star on top stuck out of. I took it downstairs first as it would clear a trail for me. I set it up, plugged it in and no light show. Crap. I took it apart and disassembled the base. I figured out how to get the light out and put it by my coat for a trip to the store. It had never done that before and worked when we put it away. It's just one more thing that broke because the mate isn't here.

Then the power went out so I didn't need it to work anyway. I knew it would because we were having an ice storm and we always lose power during them. I realized I had still not replaced the propane lantern I use for portable heat and light that was broken when the kids were moving stuff in and out of the back porch. I also realized my best flashlight was about dead and I didn't have back up batteries. So what do we do for fun in an ice storm? Drive the 22 miles to the store with the lowest prices.

I got around and found everything I needed, laid it out and got dressed. I warmed the truck up after I found the lock deicer and got the key to work. When I could break the ice off the windows I cleaned up the truck mirrors and got on the road.

It was slush when I left. We had ice in the morning and snow in the early afternoon. The side roads were bad but the main roads were mostly clear, just a little slippery. I made a safe trip.

I hate the big stores. Thinks it's a big City just got two new ones this year and they replaced the smaller ones I knew my way around in. If I wanted to take a twenty mile hike I would do it out in the fresh air and enjoy it. I hate walking two miles to get dog food and a gallon of milk! I normally shop the smaller stores to avoid the hike. It's worth the higher price to me to not have to wander around lost for an hour.

I found the light I needed for the tree. It wasn't with the christmas tree lights like the rest of them were, it was in the regular light bulb aisle. (one mile) I found the propane lantern in sporting goods (quarter mile) The propane was in another aisle. (around the block). Batteries? Up front. (two miles). I picked up extra green fake pine garland for the front porch. I grabbed a string of colored lights for over the bookcase with garland. I picked up some other things, grabbed a book to read with the power out and headed for check out.

Wait in line, watch the short people pestering their parents, see the line grow behind me as the one in front of me shortens. La, la, la.... My turn! No check book. No credit card. No ATM card. Nada. I had some cash in my pocket, I had grabbed all I had to get gas. The station I use doesn't take checks. When I sorted out what I had to have because the power was out from what I only wanted it came to exactly the amount in my pocket.

Now the people behind me are getting cranky. I ask the clerk to put my stuff in a cart, explaining I have to drive a half hour, heat the house and then come back so it will be a couple hours but I will return rather than have to do twenty miles again to find it all. They agree and I head home hearing the mate cussing at me because he hates when I do that - leave without the ID and check book. He hated being noticed in public. He just wanted in and out and no fuss.

I got home and the power was on. The phone rang. I got off the phone and decided to store the lantern and propane inside in the basement instead of in the garage. I put it away and put the rest of the stuff away, decided I should check the email while I had power. Got around to go and the phone rang again. Had to let my friend talk. Finally got out the door again about nine thirty.

I needed one more thing so when I got there I had to get the cart and go find the lamp oil, unscented. Now it wasn't in the Christmas stuff but in the for crying out loud lamp aisle... no oil lamps there, just electric. I finally found it and headed back up to check out. I ended up behind two families doing their shopping for the season. Waiting. Another lane opens. I check the people behind me and they are hesitating so I change lanes first.

Now, after all this fussing and delay and such I am finally on my way out the door to go home. Almost to the door when it opens and a kid I grew up down the road from walks in. I hate him on sight. He looks just like his high school self but has a touch of grey in his sideburns. A really cutie, too. We greet each other and I ask the obligatory, "How are you doing?"

"The doctor told me that in two or three months - when I can't stand the pain and think about eating a bullet - that I should come back and he will take my leg off below the knee," he says.

Wow. I remember feeling like that. I can't say "Fine.", the require response, I say, "Not bad considering my house burned down." "Not bad considering the mate died." It's what I call a "social nervous break down". You can't just make small talk. I think it is because you are so unable to deal with your problem on your own that you advertise it to everyone hoping someone can help you deal with it. It's a little like being in shock. He has a tick in one cheek. Nerves.

I know where this kid's head is at in a deep breath. I ask how it happened and he told me. That gave me time to think. I told him of a friend of mine to go talk to that has been without one leg from the knee down from an accident for years. I tell him he is a biker and an electrician who was just at my house climbing ladders to put lights up for me and that he even wears shorts. We don't notice because he doesn't notice. The Leg is a leg, just plastic. I tell him that I lost my mate and that I spent two months or more just trying to stay on the planet. Suicide is no joke to me and if he needs to talk come over.

He says he might. I think he means it. I think he wants to meet my friend. All this in five minutes as he has to pick up his wife from work at THAT store. Where I would not have been during that weather except for a long string of circumstances. I haven't seen this guy since high school. We have lived in the same general 10 mile area for years and never come across each other. Until there was a need.

It just felt really spooky. Way too manipulated. I can only hope I helped him start thinking it might be do-able. That he won't take himself out from the pain or the fear of not being a man with a leg of plastic. I think I will call him and set up a meet, if he wants to. I feel like it is the thing to do.

So even when I am just doing things I think are for me love puts me where others who have needs can find me. The sis calls them Love appointments. The mom calls them God appointments. I call them spooky. I had that check book right by my keys the first trip and didn't even realize I hadn't picked it up. I was sure I had it in the inside pocket.

I drove carefully home again and put my stuff away, got the tree fixed, filled the oil lamps and stored the batteries in the basement with the lantern.

With the first Christmas coming that the mate isn't sharing with me in twenty years my life isn't so bad, not really. I have to count my blessings again and that is never a bad thing. Number one on my list will always be that I had twenty years of joy with a man I loved that loved me back. Number two is family and friends. All the rest is gravy.

I would have enjoyed talking this over with the mate. I miss him. I put Christmas up early this year in his memory. I only hope the others who love him will find the love and joy of the season comforting their sad hearts. May the holiday be easy for all of you. I'm not through it yet but I feel like this was a good beginning.