If you ever change your mind

about leaving, leaving me behind - just bring it to me, bring your sweet loving, bring it on home to me....

I sing this song a lot now. You knew I'd be here, didn't you. In eight and a quarter hours I will have made it one year exactly without my mate. Also one year without a kiss, without sex and without a serious hug, too. I am surprised to be here, but I am.

Almost every tear I shed was because of my loss, my needs that were not getting filled, my hurt. When I could remember where he was and what it was like I didn't cry for him. Yet in the store the other day every song that played as I watched one of the girls shop was about a man missing his woman. The Dad is in the stormy skies and the grama was in the bread box but my mate is in the radio. All year he snuck up on me with tunes that fit what I was thinking. Spooky but comforting at the same time to know he understands. He misses me, too. Comforting.

As he lay there and all the fussing was done and all the tubing was out of him but before I would let them carry him out of our home I got down on the floor with him for just a quiet good bye. I hadn't cried or had hysterics yet, I was dealing with cops and medics and family and had to stay on top of things as best I could.

I grabbed a blanket and sat beside him. "This wasn't on my list of things to do today, Mate." Stress always makes me crack jokes. "It's ok, I will take care of the animals and the kids, like we promised." There was a long pause as I looked at the remaining flesh and realized it no longer even looked like him to me. "But, oh Buddy! I'm going to miss you!" I started to tear up and knew it wasn't the right time even yet so I got me under control and leaned a little closer to whisper to him. "A year and a day, mate. I love you. Thank you for loving me."

I got carefully back on my feet and told the nice men they could take him out now. Then it gets confused for about three days. But I did it. I survived five days and then thirty and then a hundred and today it is 365 days later and I am still here. I am short one dog and two trucks but everything is under control, really.

I learned that I am selfish. I really missed him when it was something I had to do for myself that he used to do for me. I learned that I am loved by others, too, and that they need to be loved in return. I wonder how many of them are awake tonight saddened by the anniversary. I wonder how many are crying tonight. I wish I could comfort them.

My comfort had become the sure knowledge that I will have all of the real forever to be with my mate. This tiny 'forever" we promise each other here is but a glittering raindrop falling from the web of a spider in the sun of a spring rain. "Plop" and it's over.

My other comfort is that I don't have to keep social rules for loyalty to a mate that has gone on ahead. He knows why I do what I will do and loves me anyway. This man loved me through everything life could throw at us and my own meaness, he won't quit loving me now because I need to stay here longer. He will be glad I am here for the kids and he wants me happy. Truth.

I'm good with that. We have talked, me and the others that loved him, over the course of the year about many things. He told me once he was jealous of the dead because they know what happens next. Now he knows, too. And he knows if Elvis is there or here, who killed Kennedy, where Hoffa was buried and many other things he was curious about.

It amused us one day to try and name all the animals and friends and family he has with him. I hope there is more yard than mansion there, we will need room for all the dogs and cats to run. I hope the mansion has many rooms as his best friend ever was ahead of him and several other friends as well as his grand parents that he loved and John Lennon and Jim Belushi, people he enjoyed here.

I have learned I don't need a man in my life. I have also learned I am happier with one. I hope to find someone to trust again someday. Whatever comes I will survive.

I have learned that however hard I hurt, someone hurts worse, really. It's not just a saying. One lady lost her Dad and her son in a crash.

I learned that I am less cheerful in nature than I thought I was. I tend toward the somber when at rest. The mate was my smile a lot of the time. I am working on it. I am not unhappy but I don't smile and laugh as much as I did with him.

I remembered that I am a spiritual being. I am closer to the creator than I have been since I was young. I have been blessed with not only all that I needed but enough for the kids and the friends and even strangers this year. As I remember myself as unique and perfect in spirit and beloved of the creator even more comes to me to share with others. I like that.

While my family and friends have helped me tremendously this year I have helped them back and it's not as one sided as it sometimes felt to me.

My children are my joy. #1son makes me laugh, Best Girl is my right hand, Scooter Girl is my sore hearted one and Eldest Daughter is a woman to be amazed by. I am proud of them all. I could not have gotten through this without them.

My Mom, the sis and other sister, nephews and nieces and in laws and out laws and other family have been there every time I called for help. Through their own tribulations they made time for me and my needs and desires. Family is what you start with, how many friends you make is up to you. Most of my family are also my friends.

Long lost friends have come back to help or teach me lessons I needed to learn. I love them, too.

In losing my lover I found more love waiting for me. Love I took for granted sometimes and now I treasure it better, I hope. I remember to tell them I love them every chance I get.

Later today some of us are gathering because we are still so sad that there will be comfort in being with friends and family today.

But still, at the very last, I am learning I am only human. I am still flesh now. I don't think I will ever be truly content again until I am with my partner again. While he is ok where he is we are still parted and neither of us was ever ready to call it a day until we were together again.

Mate, I miss you still. A year later and still I cry as I write. What a man you were and what a lover and what a partner. You were a wonderful dad, a fine uncle, an outstanding grandfather, a good son and we all still miss you.

Thank you for loving us.