Life Math

I knew my kids would party, drink, do drugs, and have sex but I tried to teach them to do it safely as possible. I told them that at any party always have one designated sober/straight to deal with unexpected emergencies. Bumps, cuts, fights, candles catching the house on fire, cops coming because you get too noisy, driving home or tucking in people that can't drive...you need someone to keep an eye on everything.

For the rest of growing up I tried to teach my children to use good judgement. Not always having the best judgement myself, I found it difficult to explain how to make the right decision for yourself by yourself.

I finally came up with one question that pretty much covers any situation. "Is this going to be fun later?"

I told them to be honest with themselves. Lying to anyone else is your decision to make, lying to yourself will always hurt you.

Try to think of everything that could go wrong, go right or result from their chosen action and THEN make their decisions using compromises. This still isn't a cure all for mistakes by teens because they really cannot see all future possibilities, but it works good enough to keep them out of serious trouble if they really try to use it.

Some examples:

Supposed to be doing homework, friend calls and wants you to go hang out. "ITGTBFL?"

Doing homework or not-
If I don't turn in my homework my grade will go down.
I need to get at least "C's" to take driver ed this year.
I won't get to take driver's ed.

Telling a friend no -
I don't want to tell friend no, hurt feelings, not cool...
Won't have pals to hang with.
Life ruined.

Compromise! Finish homework, then go hang. Answer to friend - I'll be there in about an hour. Results- still good grades for driver's ed. Friend not upset with me. Ta Da!

Conflict - Come on baby, you'd do it if you loved me.

Do it - Good
Show true love
Keep boy/girl friend
Find out what it's all about

Do it- Bad
Life math: 1+1=3, 9 months later=baby
Get a sexually transmitted disease (STD): AIDS, HIV, Herpes (no cure), or Gonorrhea, crabs, lice (treatable), that really mess sex for you for a while or the rest of your life. ICK!
Partner tells someone, rep is changed to easy lay
You tell someone, rep is changed to easy lay
Someone that knows says they will tell parents if you don't ---- for them.
We get caught! Parents angry, grounding. Worse case - by cops and they call parents.

Compromise: I love you. I want to do this but I am afraid. I want us both to be safe when we do this.

For safer sex: You both go to donate blood or see Dr. at clinic to get clean bill of health (or not).
Female has to get birth control, pills, foam or gel, whatever, to avoid birth of child named Broken Rubber.
Male has to have condom.

Then, if you still want to do this, do it only with both people certified disease free, using condom and female birth control. Note: You CAN get STD's from oral sex.

Conflict - I want to stop at the bar and drink with my friends every night.

Good
I get to relax after work before going home.
I get to see friends.
I get to have a brew.

Bad
This costs a lot of money
Mate is waiting at home alone
Mate probably not happy about this
Bills not getting paid right

Compromise: One night a week stop at bar. Other nights have brew at home with mate and invite friends over to join us. Still get to relax after work. Mate happy. Spending less money. Still keeping up with pals. Yes!

Yes, we all blow the math sometimes and do it NOW because it feels right. That's life. I have learned that thinking ahead, just a little bit, can save you a lot of grief later.

If you are going to make adult decisions you have to pay adult consequences. Sex makes babies, drugs use you, too much of anything can be bad for you. Even crimes you don't get caught for don't pay, they haunt you forever.

So, there it is.

For what it's worth, none of our children are in jail, have any STD's, are addicted to drugs or drinking, all are working, living their own lives, paying their own way and all still love us. They can all party hearty! We are both step parents to some of these kids and they love the steps, too. It could be worse.