Love is everywhere

So I argued with my friends, myself and anyone else that wanted a turn in my head. I cried about my kids and my family. I cried because no matter what they said I was still too sad and hurting to stay. Then one of them suggested I might like a last meal. I thought it would be a good idea to have a "last meal". Even prisioners get them, one of the protesters, added.

I staggered to the kitchen area in my small apartment, started to warm a pan for eggs and cheese then realized it would slow the poison in my system down. The butter started to brown and sizzle. It smelled good. I went to roll the pan and coat it evenly, the hot butter slopped on the burner and we had open flame. While this is may favorite way to cook, I don't ususally choose it for inside cooking.

In my very drugged state I couldn't remember if it was salt or what to put out an electric fire. So I poured flour on it. This doesn't work, it just changes the odor. So I decided to smother it. I took a towel and soaked it in the sink and slapped the wet towel down over the flames. The fire was out but now I had smoke...where was that darn alarm anyway?

I managed to get the fire out, the alarm off and that was it for this girl. I almost fell back on the couch and lay there like a discarded doll. I wasn't worried about anyone finding me, it was Friday night. The hallucinations had stopped but I couldn't get my thoughts back together. I was too relaxed to care. I closed my eyes. It was quiet. I liked that.

I died.

I have no memory of a tunnel but I was released from my body. When I was diconnected from my body I became aware that I had no worries, no pressure, no pain, no desires, no wishes anymore. They were all behind me. For just a brief moment I regretted the pain this would cause my family but I would not choose to go back. I was warm and loved for just what I was, no strings. None of the bad things I had done to me or done by me were left in me to experience. They were taken from me. I grew lighter still. I have never experienced such unconditional love, even my dogs get cranky with me sometimes.

There was a brilliant, warm light in the place I arrived at. It is a place though I can't tell you where to find it. The light was the source of the warmth and the love I was feeling. I turned toward it. This is figurative. I had no body, was not aware of any shape but I was still the self I knew as me. I would have answered to my name. I knew it was another self of some kind, aware of itself and me. It was not me and not human as we define it. It just was it's endlessly full self radiating warmth and love.

I wanted to get closer to the light but I was held in place. I know now I was at the gate and needed to go into the light. I was made to understand I had to come back. I began to mourn. I did not want to leave. I wanted to stay here and move closer to the being that was the light and loved me with all the others that loved me. I was aware that near by somewhere were more like me and that they loved me, too.

But it was no use, as badly as I wanted to stay I was sent back here understanding I could not go there yet. I opened my eyes on the couch to discover my shirt was wet with the tears gushing from my eyes and that my chest hurt from the sobs of loss and regret.

My too tall friend was there smiling down at me. He was a big man in real life. He pulled me up, tears and all, from the couch and put his arm around me to hold me up. My legs would not support me. He got me to the bathroom where I collapsed next to the seat, grabbing on with one arm to hold myself up in an almost sitting postion. I was still crying.

The water ran and the bathroom glass was filled. He handed down to me and I drank a sip. Eeewuu. It was terribly salty. I hiccupped. He just looked at me and I knew I had to drink it. So I did. Just seconds later the vomiting started. My friend had taken the glass back. I was clutching the seat with both hands to hang on. He moved my hair from my face and held it while handing me the glass again. This time it was ipacac. Ick pa keck we called it.

I drank it and threw up some more. Violent spasams shook my body. My throat and stomach hurt from the pressure and the acid in the do over. It tasted nasty. I finally choked to a stop, breathing hard and tried to clear my sinuses. When he went to hand me the glass again I balked. No, he protested it was only water. I grabbed it then and drank it all down and wanted more. He refused me as if I had had enough. I threw that up, too.

I crawled up from the floor using the sink for support and managed to get to my feet. I began the ritual of brushing my hair, washing my hands and face with a cool rag and I felt a little better. When I turned to return to the couch I started to fall or collapse when I let go of the sink. My friend caught me and helped me back to the couch. He brought me a blanket and I pulled it up to my chin. I don't remember anything else until I woke in time for work on Monday. I don't think I slept two days but I may have. There was no one there with me.

I knew it was a work day when I woke up. I got up, showered, dressed, made coffee and grabbed the big to-go cup. I was ready when my ride got there. I let them know I wasn't feeling real well but went to work anyway.

I had what I thought were more hallucinations during the day but some of them have happened since then. I dreamed vividly for many nights. I wrote it all in my journal. The ones that burned up in '88....I wish I stll had them because this was in there, too. And the other dream of the mate, and the dream of the black and white cat who was Butch Cassidy later, having her first four kittens.

If I could have scanned it in here with the dates and errors and notes in the margin you would have had to believe me. Now I can only hope you believe me.