Lost and all alone

I had one of those strange days Friday that you just don't understand why you are spinning in them or what the point is but you feel like, no matter how hard you try, you are missing a very important piece of information or communication.

It started out normal. I got up, fed the animals, let them all in or out and in while I had coffee, checked the email and got dressed for work. Little Red started just fine. The drive in was uneventful and I got there with no incidents.

Powered up the desk top, got the business mail, checked what needed to ship and got it around, started looking for customers and faxing them or calling. Boss seemed fine....all SOP.

Then I get a phone call from a contact/competitor in California I have sent some customers to on occassion. He says he doesn't need anything but felt he needed to call me all morning and finally did so to get it off his mind.

I told him that I had been dealing with a lot as my mate died 30 days ago. And that was how it felt, like I had done 30 days in jail or something. Then I choked up and he left a long pause while he digested that. Anyone that has known me more than ten minutes knows I love my mate. It was just one of the things in my life that was always coming up in conversation.

The caller is a very kind man and a strong christian believer with a long, loving marriage and good partner. He was sincerely saddened by the news. He offered pretty standard but very sincere condolences and shared that he had lost his son about 4 months ago and his brother just before that. One of them went just out of the blue with a massive coronary. I could feel his pain and grief. I wanted to comfort him and his wife if I could find the words.

So I told him, "Listen, I want to tell you about where your son and your brother are and why I know they are ok." And I told a story I usually keep to myself but felt moved to share to try to comfort him.

Then I went to tell my boss why I had been on the phone so long with no sale. I told him the man had lost his son and brother and I tried to comfort him. The he says he is reading a book on Near Death Experiences and gets it out of his briefcase and hands it to me. I didn't even look at it. I just handed it back and said, "Ok, does it go something like this?" And told him the story.

He closed us up early so I went to town to get a permit to purchase. The woman behind the desk and I are getting off on the wrong foot. I am trying to be funny and she is taking everything seriously. I say whoa, back up and start over. Then burst into tears and tell her I am only getting the pistol because I am a woman alone in a rural area with a high crime rate and just lost my mate.

She and her mate were true lovers, she is still here and still single after 12 years alone and knew all my pain. She told me to be comforted because she had a near death experience and shared hers with me. I told her the reason I couldn't even wish the mate back is I knew where he was and I always wanted what made him happy. I told her mine. This was the third repetition and I am getting a little freaked out.

When I left and headed for home the phone rang as I came in the door and it was a friend who had left me a gift of a box of candy only it was on the trash can Tuesday and this was Friday. I walked out and found it wedged in the front of the can by the arm of the tote I use. We started discussing gifts and I learn this prison guard, hippie, partying biker has found god.

So I share my day and tell him I feel like a kid that has to write "I will not stomp my feet" a hundred times and I don't know what it is that I am not getting. But then I shared it with him.

I thought it would be all done then, but it wasn't. My mom called with some info and I had to tell her. And then I knew I had to blog it for some reason. So I did. Only blogger lost the post. I went to copy it before hitting publish and hit just the c instead. Now I have to write it again.....which will make 7 times. But I am too freaked out by all this so you get part today and the rest later.

The mate's passing isn't the only time strange things have happened to me in my life.

They say most people dream in black and white. I never knew that! I am a full color, full sensation dreamer.

I have repeating dreams and I have had prophetic dreams.I have controlled flying and uncontrolled falling.I have dreamed I "missed a step" climbing stairs and woke up with my foot still reaching for purchase.I have dreamed of friends from long ago and far away and seen them or heard from them in less than a week. I dreamed of my dad, but only after he died, and he was still laughing at me.

I dreamed of my mate and I riding motorcycles with a friend and wrote it down 18 months before it happened just the way I described it. It was a year before I re-met the current mate. I read it to him from the journal when we got home from the ride and freaked him right out.

I drew a sketch of a dream house for the mate and I and the first place we bought looked just like it, allowing for my lack of drawing ability. It also had all but the rhubarb of the plants and trees I listed on the wish list.

One time I dreamed I had a package waiting at the post office. Turns out it was true but it was returned as I didn't pick it up promptly. I got it a week later, re-sent by the Mom.

I had my first near death experience just before the dream of the mate. After my second marriage male had surprised me with a lot of things, that should have been discussed before we were married, I left him. I went into a deep depression. I tried to suicide with a lovely cocktail that I won't give the receipe for here. It worked.

I got whoozie right away. The hallucinations started. Many of my friends tried to talk me out of what I was doing as I sat on the couch, slouched against arm. I was amazed to see friends I had not seen in more than four years as real appearing as you and I are. Four or five made appearances and argued with me.

I told them I was done dealing with being on the bottom rung of life. I couldn't pick a decent man and I didn't want to be alone and I was out of here, thanks very much. I would miss them but I wasn't staying. There were two in particular, that were persistant with me. They were my favorite kind of friends. They played gutiar very well and they liked my singing voice! They took turns giving me shit and cajoling me but I resisted their every effort.

Comments: 4 Comments:
At 28/2/06 10:03 AM, Blogger doc-t said...

I've read your blog and like many people i'm wanting to say something encouragine. Something to make your heart lighter and something that will make you smile.

I sure wish something would come to mind...

but i do hope with each new day you'll find it easier to smile, and that soon, when you remember, the joy will outweight the pain...

I wish you well.

At 28/2/06 11:48 AM, Blogger Valerie - Riding Solo said...

Thank you doc, time is dragging for me right now and more time is all I know that will help.

Thank you for your good wishes.

At 28/2/06 1:38 PM, Anonymous Simply Coll said...

I believe our life here, as we know it, is just a minuscule moment in our spiritual journey. I know there is more.. but must admit to not knowing any more than that.

My grandma visited me one night in a dream. I woke knowing that she was there. If I close my eyes I can still see her standing at the foot of my bed. I had not thought of her for several years prior to the dream. Since that dream, I often feel her presence and her love.

Yes.. there is more than what we see.

At 1/3/06 3:43 PM, Blogger Valerie - Riding Solo said...

coll you are a really support to me. Thank you


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