A country girl can survive

I did get out early yesterday. I got to the house, let the dogs in, fed them, fed the cats, let the cats out, changed to riding clothes, filled my water bottle and put the dogs back out in the beautiful weather. I got the door up on the garage ok, for a change. It likes to stick on me.

And there they were, ol blue and the Black. I thought, "Hell, why not!" and decided to take the mate's ride over to its sale lot at a friends house. I put my key in and turned it. No juice. Not even the chatter that means the battery is dead. No problem, I'll put it on the charger and do my errand and then take it over when I get back, I thinks to myself.

I discover the battery is not under the side covers that don't pop off with a latch like I am used to by finally getting out the owners manual and looking it up. Jolly! It's under the seat. With no instructions on how to get the seat off.

By now I have had to shuffle through the cassetts and the CD cases and the cash stash in the trunk and am not breathing well or seeing clearly. By the time I found the bolts for the driver's seat it was all over. I put the book away, shut the trunk, took my key out of the ignition then found a clean rag in the rag bag and wiped the salt off my eyelids, blew my nose and tossed the rag in the trash where I saw the boxes from the parts for my bike from when he had gone through it last August. I went back and got another rag.

This time, after I cleaned up, I got on my bike, started it up, manhandled it over the two by four and shut the damn garage door. I let her warm up and then got my face in the wind. It felt soothing on my swollen eyes and hot skin. She's running a little rough still but it's only the second ride. I cranked her up to 60 and set the cruise so I could just "be" for a mile or so.

I had lots of good intentions of doing banking and chores but thought I would stop and see if my friends wanted to ride to town with me. They had just put their bikes up for the night. I ended up visiting with them for more than an hour and it was almost dark by then. The "he" of them is going to give me a hand with the Black this weekend I hope.

I figured out why it is bothering me so much to handle and sell the things that were his. The bike was the mate's but I have to sell it. He can't use it anymore, anyway. But when I have sold it, it won't be "his". The little and big red trucks were the mate's, they are not his now, either. I was the mate's. He can't use me anymore, anyway.....

Each thing he used and enjoyed that goes on to another user is one more thing changed here. Everyday it is something else that is changed. The sheets, the clutter, the books, the cars, the number of dishes I do, the kind of clothes I fold.

My home, my routine and my rut are being shredded ruthlessly away from what I am used to. I not only can't stop it, I have to continue. I am being force to do this to myself to get to where one person can run and afford this place alone. It's like pulling out an ingrown nail or putting peroxide on an open sore. You know it has to be done, but it's part of you. You can't help it, it's going to hurt like hell to fix it .

There isn't anyone to blame, no one to be angry at, not even the mate. Even if I had all the insurance in the world it would all still keep changing on me. Its why some mates can't get rid of anything for a long time. That stuff is supposed to be there. That little stack of tiny tools for working on the computers is ALWAYS right by the table in the window sill.

Putting them in the tool drawer, where they belong, is admitting the mate won't need to find them ever again. Putting them in the tool drawer, where you will be able to find them, makes them yours now, not his. And it makes the window sill look neat and tidy. And it stays that way. So the house feels subtly different.

With every thing else around you changing to have your living space altered is just one more rock up side your head. It's a constant reminder to you that only one person lives here now. I think this is why it keeps hurting - getting harder - every day, not easier. It can't get easier till things stop changing so quickly. Till they stay the same long enought to get comfy feeling again.

Going home gets harder all the time because it doesn't feel like home anymore.

Don't get around much anymore

Another week almost over, yay, and I had money left in my pocket and the bank with all the bills paid. Not enough to suit me yet but any excess is appreciated and counted in the blessings of the day.

The next blessing is my friend, Madzilla, whom I met for dinner on Tuesday. We had one of those two hour talk fests I love so. I am hoping she and my other rent a kid will come visit soon. It's getting nice enough out to burn some dogs.

Third blessing is sunshine and 50+ temps. I don't need the *&$^*%* furnace to run, now maybe I can get it fixed. And I am leaving early to get the bike to go to the bank today.

Not a blessing, 5th call to insurance company. I called to change it into my name and drop the full coverage on the mate's bike two weeks ago. They screwed it up 7 ways from Sunday. Last mail I got the correct bill in my name in one envelope and the mate's proofs for a year and mine only good two more weeks. I think the lady last night got it all straight. I hope. I know I didn't want to tell that story 5 times. I let them know someone needed retraining.

Blessing, the mate's nephew has been taking classes for state certified auto mechanic. He will not be attending the last four weeks of class because he passed the exam with the highest score in three years, one wrong answer. The teacher passed him for graduation. I was really proud of him. His Uncle would have been very impressed and pleased.

He has been sent out to the real world to seek his fortune now. I think, with some of the confidence he is gaining from his success, he will continue to grow into a fine man. Can't ever have too many of them. He and his girl are coming over to look at some things they need for setting up house keeping so another blessing is getting rid of more excess.

Blessing, more excess going - Our friend, the nurse, is going to rescue the player piano, have it repaired and let me play it anytime I want at her place. She has a musically inclined son we have hopes for if it is right there for him. I do so hate to let it go but I can't afford to fix it and it's just going to waste since it quit working. This way it will be fixed and I can still visit it, anyway.

The mate and his best friend nearly disemboweled themselves bringing it home one morning. A man gave it to me for exercising with after my hip surgury. It was supposed to be a surprise for me and all in place when I got home. I was late for work that day and even later when I saw them coming with it! My poor little truck! I was so thrilled and the mom and sis and I had some great times singing the old songs with it. It was such a very nice thing of them to do for me. After I dislocated the tailbone I couldn't sit and pump it anymore.

Trick blessings - The customers I cussed under my breath at for keeping me working late three nights in a row put me into overtime if I don't burn some hours. It is payday, 60 and sunny, so I can go get the bike and get a ride in plus do the banking and chores.

Not really a blessing. I may be able to get the bike out for sale tonight. No one I have asked seems to be able to help with it so I am going in with the thought that the mate would have had to do it for me and now he won't have to. I am bearing it for him. That I can do. I really would have taken a bullet for him and this is just a different kind of bullet. I can do this (repeat endlessly till finished). All prayers and power thoughts welcomed here.

Blessing - Having you all to talk over my days with so I don't feel totally isolated here in the sticks with no one but the pets to talk to. Thank you all. While this week has been busy I really will not be getting around much anymore because I have a ton to do here and no one to watch the animals.

Curse you Red Baron! It's only noon and two bikes (Harley's) just went rolling by and I can't leave for hours yet!

Determined to leave with a happy thought. I only cried a little yesterday at bedtime. And only a little so far today. Still not a tear free day on day 64.

PS. Curse you again! My own UNCLE just rode by and honked at me! ARrrggghhh!

awfully different without you

I don't want my friends or my family to think they have to be robots when I am around. That would REALLY make me uncomfortable. I have been hanging with all kinds of couples over the years, some of them made me and the mate crazy. Bickering teams, nit pickers, public shamers, plain old fighting in front of anyone couples have drifted in and out of our lives.

They would make us wince and look for the exits. We both hated conflict of any kind we felt was private being dealt with in public. Sure, we could get snippy with each other setting up camp after a long ride or over nothing on a bad day. When we really had a problem with each other we would look for a closet some place and deal with it, then go back out to play with our friends.

So yes, I had to leave early both days because of the love and communication I saw going on between the kids and the sis and her mate. There were places in the day where I would have caught the mate's eye and given him a look and he would know from the context of the events around us that I was referring to a joke or an event in our past or something and smile back at me or shrug or roll his eyes and we would both know just what we meant.

Or I would cue him to go out for a smoke and we would both just go, or he would look at me and raise an eyebrow just so and I would know the crowd was getting to him and he wanted to go home, did I want to go and fool around with him or stay longer. A nod or shake of the head or a slow smile and we would be out the door. No words.

All the years we spent together gave us the non spoken language and cues any couple devises after being together and trying to talk over the heads of their kids and families. Our own cartoons, movies, books, and the events in our lives gave them and the verbal cues we shared meanings known only with each other.

When he would hand me a drink at a party, then smile then add, "Never thirst" I would know he was saying he loved me and all his water was mine, I had only to ask and I also knew that he meant the water that made up his body. If I answered, "May our eggs share the same nest" he knew that I was returning his offer of his body's water with the commitment to use it, and mine if needed, to see that all was well with those we loved in our lives. And it implied on both our parts a promise to mate enthusiastically later if I smiled back and continued with, "grow closer". We grokked each other.

Now, all my codes are obsoulete. (intentional misspelling) All the inside jokes, the body language, the winks and yawns I knew are of no use to me. I could see the codes of the couples we had helped raise being used around me and I missed the mate. I had nobody to not talk to.

You don't do it intentionally. It is years of being together that integrates the private language of verbal and non verbal cues. How do you learn a new person? Time, I would guess is the correct answer and at my age there isn't enough of that to suit me. How do you teach a new friend to pretend you are funny and fake laugh at your jokes for you? You don't. Maybe they never will. Especially if you aren't really very funny and they don't get the jokes....

The road looks so long and the load seems so heavy from here with no mate to share either. It's a hard thing to look at and a harder thing to see as true. So I cower back and try to just get through today.

I am not resentful or envious of others love. I am thrilled to see it, especially in those we tried to teach it to after we learned it. There can never be enough love in the world or enough lovers to show others that it is there. If we have helped spread the rumor that true love is real then we have done our job well.

I don't want any of my friends to not touch or hug or wink at each other on my account, it helps me to remember what it was like. Your loving doesn't offend me. Take joy in your love for each other where ever you are. If I leave early just know I was missing my love and had to go be alone with my thoughts of him.

I know the sky is blue and the sun will shine but the summer is likely to be a long journey for me. Doing both parts of an inside joke just isn't as much fun.

Heard they crowded the floor,

And it was the truth. I did miss the dance, but I didn't miss the bro in law's birthday party his kids were giving him. He is from a large family and the neice and two nephews with their mates and kids were there early to start food and help set up. When the rest of the family started getting there, with 5 short people and one new born already there, floor space was at a premium. So were seats.

But we are the kind of bunch who just double up on laps and have fun. It was good to see all the kids doing well and getting by ok. The adults I hadn't seen in awhile were interesting to get re accquainted with and conversations covered everything from sports, babies, horses, dogs, cars, when would the food be ready, and the sis's maple syrup simmering over the open fire out back to the new chain saw the kids chipped in to get their dad for his birthday. Like many large families we skip politics and religion at gatherings of more than three of us. Too controversial for such opinionated individuals.

Except for the mom and me, they were all paired off. Now the mate usually skipped these parties or only made a token appearance before taking off for home. He didn't do crowds. It should have been easy for me to relax and hang out. But I got sloppy feeling and took off after cake was served, making quick polites. I had to do it again the next day and could only take so much two days running.

It was warm out and just getting dark as I left. I decided I would hie myself off to a place I had seen advertising kareoke for a while. Yes, it was a bar, but a pretty decent one with good food. I thought I could at least see if I could hit the notes on a simple song and if my voice still worked.

It took me awhile to find anything in the lists. They were geared, no surprise, to a younger, if still country, crowd. The newest song I had learned was probably 19 years old.....LOL. I got my usual "I don't like to drink but I know you want money" combo of a large water and a shot on the rocks of schnappes. You drink the water down a ways then toss the shot into the tall glass and you have a nice "sipper" that you won't get blasted on right away.

The crowd was assorted but mostly 20-30 ish with a few of us older ones to be amused at their antics. There were the usual ladies dancing with each other, showing off their moves and their butt cracks and their lack of bras under the color strobe ball on the dance floor. The guys that only dance at their tables, the people that only dance sitting down and the guy who really can't sing but loves to were all there. The girl that thinks she can sing better than all the rest of the people there had her own table with a large group of friends hangin out. The two girls that do great harmony but only to one song were with her group. The guy that recognizes you from school was there. You know, the one that times his offer to buy you a drink just after you finish your second one. He knows you have to tell him you are driving and hit your limit so he doesn't have to spend a dime.

It was a pretty typical, if slow, Saturday night. I finally found a song I thought I could do standing on my head. God Bless the DJ for shoving me to the back of the list when everyone really drunk that was left. I totally blew it. It was not my key, and I forgot it went up an octave for the second verse, I couldn't hear myself over the music, pick an excuse, oh yeah, don't forget the waitress that wore so much perfume that my allergies kicked in and locked my nose up tight...LOL. I not only couldn't sing through it, I could not breathe to get any oomph into it.

I try to be bold. I got through the whole thing, told the nice dj to lose the second one I had picked. When I got down, one kid, who was a "table neighbor" all night, held his arms open to me, offering me a hug. I felt so bad I walked right up to the little headbanger 20 something and snatched a hug off him because I could see he admired me for getting clear to the end when I screwed up so badly. Hey! A hug's a hug! You take what you can get. I finished my water and had one more smoke before I slunk away with my head hanging low.

I have a lot more practicing to do before I try that again. I also have to remember to pack my meds with me. You really can't sing with your sinuses shut down, no reverb. And I got stage fright, something I have not had very often.

It was a friendly, talented crowd and no one booed when I got down. I guess that makes it a positive experience. I can't lose the mate and the music, though. That would be too much.

Today the #1 Son and family were coming down. I had asked the cousins if they would come back to their mom's. Some of them had never seen the grand girl and she is 15 months old! They were all available so the kids and I went to the sister's for our monthly dinner.

I took the giant lasagna I needed to get rid of and everyone did a little potluck with leftovers from the day before. The 5 little shorties were ramming and jamming till we got some food into them and a couple of them slowed down a little. We got a game of TX hold em going and I smeared them all again. I never win like that in the real world. We only play for chips, not money so I bet heavy and stay to see that last card turned. It works great that way. With real money I fold more often and almost never bluff. We all had fun.

The son and daughter in law looked good. I felt like she got left out a little because her shortie wanted all her attention so she didn't play cards with us. But it's all good. She had major good words of growing respect for her mate that warmed my heart. He really is trying to be a good man and mate to her. I was proud of him before but he keeps growing and changing and I was proud of him all over again today.

Around five I copped out and was the first to leave again. It was the same reason as yesterday. I would NEVER want my bunch to stop being good to each other and their mates, but it's like ripping hospital tape off a hairy arm to watch all the touches and looks, hugging and kissing they all share so casually with each other. I am so proud of them, that they have learned from the older gen that this is a good thing, because it is. But oh my soul bleeds for a knee to bump under the table and a smile to exchange over it that only we knew what we just said to each other.

I had to go home. The bars aren't for me, I already knew that. There isn't much else to do around here. So I go home. The furnace refused to start so I have the oven running for heat tonight. I don't want to do the dishes, it's the mate's turn. I tried to watch a movie and dozed off. That killed a little more time. It's so quiet here.

It was only for half of each day though so the weekend wasn't all bad.

Thanks for letting me talk to you. I always feel a little better when I get it out of my head.

Missed the Saturday dance

I keep telling my self I am going to hit the jam session on Thursday in town. Or the one on Friday in the next little town. Or the one on Sunday at the little town bar, or kareoke in the bigger town and I keep managing not to go. I have been working with the guitar and the voice to try to get both back where they belong but it's been years (19) since I played regularly or sang to a crowd. I am just doing it to start getting out of the house, I tell me. But I am not out yet.

Last night my gf met me for dinner, her treat, nice lady, and we had a nice time. Then we went to where her boy was bowling to see him playing league. It was distracting. I had planned ahead and left the dogs out, it wasn't too cold for them yesterday. I tried to relax and enjoy. The boy is my friend, too, another next gen biker.

I kept watching the guys bowling. They all seemed to be having a pretty good time. There was some drinking but no nasty drunks. Some of them had ladies with them, some didn't. Some had rings on their left hands, some didn't. With 20 lanes and 4 or 5 guys to a team there were at least a hundred men there. I looked and looked and still came up with not one of them I was interested in meeting, much less getting to know as a friend.

Yup, I was looking. I have had a male in my life that was affectionate and sexually active (and great at making love with me) for a long time. I am missing the touch of a man. I have been wishing for just someone to hold me while I go off duty and grieve. I can't imagine being able to have a serious relationship with a man right now, I am still and will be for as far as I can see ahead, in love with the mate.

I have even looked in Craig's list for interesting guys to meet for onesies, even wrote to a couple, even liked one of them. But I had to cancel, can't do it. It's hard to have this need for a male for comfort and companionship but no heart for the games of getting to know each other. I could have, at one time in my life, met a man anyplace, hit it off and gone to bed with them. We would both enjoy it and move on, with no problem, the next day. I have discovered I can't hope for that now. I need love in my bed. Lust is nice and sex is fun but satisfaction only comes with love.

I have to have mutual respect and affection to be friends. I have to have trust to show my vunerablity. I have developed standards somewhere along the way and to have another man ever he is going to have to be someone that not only I respect and like but that I think the mate would have respected.

I keep thinking that "just a guy" to sit here with a cuppa and talk with me while I do chores would fill some of the emptiness in the house. Just a friend to make male noises, to let me bounce ideas off him, would be enough for now. But there aren't any and I can't just go out and grab one because I have nothing to offer them beyond the coffee, or maybe, a roll to go with it.

I can't offer my heart and if I don't have my heart in it I can't offer my body, and it's not much of an offer anymore, rather soft and round and scarred all over. Kind of a raw deal for the guys and just not right as a swap.

Tomorrow is day 60 that I have had no partner here to love me, though. It feels like 60 days in solitary confinement. No one to talk to, to one to grab the other end, help me do the things that feel too hard for me, read me the paper while I cook, reach stuff off the high shelves, make me laugh, listen to my day's stories and just enjoy being together while we go through the routine of the evenings.

The animals help by loving me no matter how worthless I am to them. My card playing buddies help by keeping the last hour before bedtime filled. My friends help by calling and dragging me out of the house, keeping me distracted. At least, the ones who call do. You help by reading this and letting me know I am still ok here. Your words of comfort and encouragement make a difference in my life and attitude, honest.

I have had 4 people I know of in the last week read darn near every post here and one of them even read the other blog. I haven't been able to touch it because it was just getting to the place I meet the mate as a teen and I am just not ready to deal with those memories right now. But they have read it all. Like it was important to them to know the whole story. I can only hope they found something they needed here. They don't comment.

The mate used to read the blog, too. And he would get all huffy with me if I talked too much about him here. There was a lot I didn't put here about us just to keep him happy. He was a much more private person than I am.

I think I wanted to write this post to show that, even in the darkness of my loss of the true love of my life, that the flesh and the mind still crave the completeness of a partner. Where the heart is shut down and the spirit is reaching for him every night in my dreams, I still have a need for a companion that I just can't fill at this time. It's a normal response driven by the need to procreate spurred by the loss of my mate, I think. I still don't like admitting I have these feelings and needs inside me.

No one can replace him, believe me, Kira, LOL, even Alex, because none of the men out there is my soul's mate like he was. No one can be the everyday partner he was for me, because our partnership was so filled with our love for each other. Still, even knowing these things, I wish for the impossible. Just a friend to help me pass through this black hole of hurt and get me to the other side where I can maybe at least contemplate being a good friend to a man again.

And I get angry with myself. The mate gave me all the love he had every day for 20 years plus more and I can't do 60 days alone without wanting the helping hand of another male? What kind of woman am I to even think like this so soon?

I am a spoiled woman, used to having the love and respect, the aid and comfort of a loving partner. I miss it so much. Even knowing I can't replace it I crave it still. I can't have the mate back. Ergo I have to make a friend to help me cope. But I can't. It's just not in me.

So what do I do about all this confusion? It's an easy answer. I am alone. I don't go out. I cry a lot. I miss my man. I sing my love songs to him of an evening. I write. I hurt. I take care of me.

I hug a no longer scented pillow and beg him to come back to me. Because the math on this one boils down to a woman who is going to be alone a long time. To be true to myself and the standards I have it's the only option left to me.

Now that is a life math problem with a hurtful truth in it that I don't want to face. But there it is. I just don't want to deal with it. I want it to go away and not be a problem anymore. What I want isn't how the universe works. And that has been a problem my whole life, LOL. I have had to learn how to deal with a universe that goes it's way regardless of what I want or what I feel is important. I can't fix this anymore than I can fix the other ills of the world.

All I can do is be a friend to my friends, a mother to the kids, a grand to the grands, a biker with my bike, a singer with her guitar, a housekeeper, a gardener, a writer, a finacial planner, and a woman alone.

Just direct your feet, to the sunny side of the street

Some where out in blogland someone posted one of my favorite poets. He is not very fancy, sometimes writing in dialect so thick you can hardly read it, but still saying things to touch your heart or make you laugh, the whole family likes him. I hope you do, too.

Things Work Out

Because it rains when we wish it wouldn't,
Because men do what they often shouldn't,
Because crops fail, and plans go wrong-
Some of us grumble all day long.
But somehow, in spite of the care and doubt,
It seems at last that things work out.

Because we lose where we hoped to gain,
Because we suffer a little pain,
Because we must work when we'd like to play-
Some of us whimper along life's way.
But somehow, as day always follows the night,
Most of our troubles work out all right.

Because we cannot forever smile,
Because we must trudge in the dust awhile,
Because we think that the way is long-
Some of us whimper that life's all wrong.
But somehow we live and our sky grows bright,
And everything seems to work out all right.

So bend to your trouble and meet your care,
For the clouds must break, and the sky grow fair.
Let the rain come down, as it must and will,
But keep on working and hoping still.
For in spite of the grumblers who stand about,
Somehow, it seems, all things work out.

By Edgar A. Guest

Happy thoughts...

If you'll just smile.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...what?

(Now, you have probably all seen this before and already know the punch line.

And I have mentioned that I think I have a sense of humor.

I have been told I was mistaken.

So I don't feel badly if you think this isn't funny,

I just wonder why I do.

Oh, man, this is so bad!)

A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I made it through another day. That's the good news. That's all the good news really. All the rest was just more coping with coming home to nobody, dealing with thinking about the mate all the time from moving his shirt to get your coat to driving his little red truck. Wishing you were with the mate or he was with you and finding out you really have nobody to distract you enough to keep your mind off him.

So you go to work, try to stay busy, go home, feed the animals and in desperation you decide to go to bed at eight thirty so you can at least shut your brain off for a while. But you wake up in the early dawn and the damn pillows and bedding have been reaaranged in the night so that when you open your eyes it looks like the back of the mate's head is just the other side of your pillow. When you reach out to touch it, it's just another pillow with the sheet flipped over it a little. And you get up, go to work........

You'll see that life is still worth while

The mate's nephew called and left a message, the newest grand niece joined the family friday, there is a birthday party for the bro in law this weekend, a girl friend called to ask me out to dinner friday night, Sunday the #1Son is coming down or I am going up or something, maybe Sunday night I will run out for a little entertainment someplace. The cousins checked in and they are doing ok. The sister sent me some real florida fruit. The young couple I worked with are doing VERY well and I hope are going to heal up stronger than ever in their love.

I got the ad posted for the bike in several places now, the taxes are done and I might see them by, oh, May sometime, the dogs got petted last night when the mom and the little tag along were out. Mom's car broke down and I went to get her, then let her use my little red truck to get around today. I got all the dinking around with the bills finished except for canceling the Dtv and most of the chores are done, but the floors need doing again already. Such is spring..LOL.

The crocuses are up and the daffodiles want to bloom and soon the miserable grey weather will be just a memory along with this misery.

Happy thoughts continued.

Smile, what's the use of crying

The email that came same day as billing for late charges on credit card for mate.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00,now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to Citibank:* Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
* Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and chargesstill apply."
* Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
* Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
* Family Member: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
* Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
* Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
* Bank: "Excuse me?"
* Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the partabout her being dead?"
* Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."Supervisor gets on the phone:
* Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
* Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and chargesstill apply."
* Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
* Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
* Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
* Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
* Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given) After they get the fax:
* Bank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know whatmore I can do to help."
* Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
* Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
* Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
* Bank: "That might help."
* Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
* Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
* Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

That's the time you must keep on trying

Time, they tell me, give yourself time. Wait, hang on, it will be better, you can do it. Everything that is not dead changes. Not all change is bad. tick, tock, tick, is it time yet?

I learned a couple new things today I wanted to pass on. I got an email from the mom last night about canceling your credit cards before you die. It was kinda cute and I will post it later...point being that in the snail mail the same day I got an overdue notice from the credit card company stating we had not paid the last months bill and now owed that, plus late fees and that it could affect our credit report.

Now it just happens that I had gotten my free credit reports the day before. I decided that near tax time would be a good time to do that yearly. I had seen that I was being given a little black "x" for not paid on the credit card and was planning to call and talk to them today anyway.

This account was closed two days before the payment was due. The ladies at the place I bank told me I did not have to make the last payment, it would be covered. When I did not recieve a request from the card company for an "offical" death certificate instead of a copy until last week I figured we were going to have a problem. I was right.

Luckily, for a change, the good news is that, after three phone calls and being on hold for 10 minutes, they are going to "re-age" the account, remove the black mark from my record and everything will be hunky dory.

The next thing I learned is that you should also cancel the insurance on unused vehicles as soon as possible. They will send you a refund on the unused portion of the account. It isn't much but every little bit counts. It would have been more if I had done it sooner.

I may have to rethink keeping both cars or really only keep one legal at a time because of the cost involved for insurance and plates for two and the bike. That is not going to be any fun but it's not hard to swap them, you just make a call and change over from one to the other. But do I really need two? It would be convienent to have the back up vehicle but it's not really necessary. It means I would have to sell "little red" the 4wd chevy tracker because the S10 is useful for hauling the bike if it breaks down, the dogs to the vet and furniture and such while the Tracker only hauls me and 3 small people...While they are both covered I will keep them both.

The mate being off this year had time to do paperwork while I was at work. Now I have all the vehicles in my name but I have to redo the insurance for the bike. I took bids today. I don't see any difference in coverage or cost the three places I checked. Some competition.

The house insurance went up for the third year in a row at 200.00 bucks a year supposedly because there was too much activity on my credit report. That is why I checked them in the first place. I intend to front them off about it, it was only checked twice in 2004 when we refinanced the house. I want to know how that constitutes too many credit checks and got my rate raised.

And, third thing today, everyone. No two of the three reports match. So I will be filing corrections to try to get them all to match.

Just a few more things for you to take care of - while you have the time. Tick tock.

Love the ones you are with today for me, I miss him terribly right now.

Although a tear may be ever so near

Every other Thursday is bad, the mate is supposed to show up to take the money to the bank. Now I have to get out early and run two towns over to make the deposit. Wednesday's are no good now, that's the day of the week he died and I still have trouble with it. It used to be Happy Friday when I got home because the weekend began and now it's "what will I do but clean house?" Friday. I am running out of days for "good" days... it's still 4 to 3 but when you split the good days into only functioning properly a half day then it's 2-5 and I am back to having only two good days a week...Tuesday and Sunday.

Yesterday was 18 years since we burned out in The Swamp. It is also one of our best friend's birthday's and his son's, too. I spent the day trying to call and wish them HB but they were gone all day. I was bummed. I hope they had a decent bday. And I thought about the fire...

The fire taught us a lot about what is and is not important to us. It's part of why we were more likely to be out riding than mowing the lawn on a weekend. You are only here for a little while and stuff just burns up. Do it while you can, with "do it" being a wide variety of things, see the kids, visit the folks, go riding with friends, make love, party, and go fishing then neck in the bushes with the mate. What ever spreads the love or makes your love burn true, do it now.

It was not an easy day for me. I don't really know why. Thursday I had dug up the third of my five friends I am looking for. She and I met when she got off work and we went for munchies and coffee to a small bar where we sat and talked a few hours. We got mostly caught up enough to feel good about the visit and not enough to not meet soon and do it some more.

It felt good to talk to someone who understands me and the depths of me. To say a simple phrase like, "I'm not doing so well today." and have her KNOW it was the understatement of the month but was still all I could say about it without falling apart. While I knew she didn't care if I fell apart, we were in public, I don't do public freak outs very often.

The third friend is opting to wait longer for getting reaccquainted because they are busy in their own life right now. That is cool by me. If it's not fun for everyone then you don't do it. I can wait for them to have the correct time in their life for old friends.

But Friday after work I could hardly drive home. And if there had been no message on the machine I would have tried to call someone but would not have known who to try. I returned the call to a friend that I will be selling the trailer back to that went behind the bike. We talked for three hours, he and I and his wife, my friend, also.

When we were done I was better - or could at least breath again and the swelling in my eyes had gone down enough I could read. I made something to eat, fed the animals and got around for bed. Then I gave a call to a friend in the south and he talked to me for awhile. I finally gave up and went to bed about midnight.

I can't explain how suddenly the "wrong" routine or the doing of a chore the mate would usually do can set you off. You go from putzing around and getting things done to full "omg this is too much to ask of me" grieving in under a split second. I was ready to crawl into a bottle and never come out again Friday night.

This morning the mate's eldest called me around eight am....this is bad but crap happens. She grabbed some rolls and came out to spend the day. We talked, sorted stuff, fixed the phones, watched a movie and then she went home, bearing gifts for her, the sis and the grands. We cried a little while she was here and I gave her a hug, too. But then we go on.

I feel like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Sometimes I function fine, some times I keep moving but not well and sometimes I just come to a screeching halt and fall apart. It would be ok but you never know from one sentence to the next what is going to happen. How you will react. If you will be ok or not. I was seriously considering getting with the doc and getting some happy pills.

But I don't WANT to be happy! I'm sad and I want to feel it. When I was happy I felt it, when I was in love, I felt it. This is the normal end of that time in my life and I will have all the sad feelings that reflect the love my mate and I had together. It is part of loving. Saying good bye, letting go, dealing with changes are part of all the things we do with others in our life.

I don't think it is time for me to be "happy" again. It will come. I just feel like I have to let these feelings into my life, also, to experience all of our love for each other. And I want it ALL.

No one ever said it would always be easy or promised me a rose garden. All he said was he would always love me. I still believe that. I will always believe that. I have to.

As the days go by, each one taking me further from the days with the mate I find it is a truth - he is not here but I still love him. It is not just the words, "I still love my mate", it is the soul of me still loving the spirit of him. I may find others to love as I travel alone here but I will never not love the mate.

That is not a desperate screech of denial, it is a simple statement of something that becomes more true every day for me. I don't wake up "not in love anymore", I just wake up with out the body of the mate in bed beside me. The love is staying in my heart.

I give up, you figure it out. I even confused me with that one.

Hide every trace of sadness

For Sale 2003 Yamaha 1300 Royal Star Venture Midnight Special click photos for larger view


This beautiful ride belonged to a Yamaha Factory Trained Certified Mechanic.
It has just 24,100 miles, all with complete maintenence done.Still under warrenty. New Tires end of last season.
AM/FM/CB/Intercom/10 CD changer, All on thumb switch.Talk to your passenger or boogie to your tunes!
Has cruise control. Two wired and ready to ride helmets

Was ridden week of Jan 12th in 50 degree weather.Is ready to go for SPRING.Turn the key and ride off to enjoy the power and comfort of this sweet ride.
Title is clear, always garage stored, never been dropped, all keys.
First $12,000.00 takes it home
While pick up is preferred, delivery can be arranged to lower 48.
Email Me with questions.

Light up your face with gladness

Happy Thoughts, think Happy Thoughts, Happy Thoughts.... I tagged me with this one to help me think Happy Thoughts.

1. A track from your early childhood : A whole album, 'Sing A-Long with Mitch"

2. A track that I associate with my first love: "I Think We're Alone Now" Both of us were the oldest of five kids. Trying to lose the little kids a either home was an exercise in stealth and a rare occurance.

3. A track that reminds me of a holiday trip: "Henry the Eighth" Herman's Hermits, I think. The five of us all sang on trips. Story telling was our second favorite activity.

4. A track that you like but wouldn't want to be associated with: "Get a Job", Sha-na-na

5. A track that accompanied you while you were lovesick: "Someday We'll Be Together"

6. A track that you have probably listened to most often: "Old Habits Like You", Bosephus because I am trying to break that having a mate habit.

7. A track that is your favorite instrumental: "Moonlight Sonata" just soothes my soul.

8. A track that represents one of your favorite bands:"Tequilla Sunrise" Eagles, I love harmonies.

9. A track that represents yourself best: "Kicks" (just keep getting harder to find) Paul Revere, the mate told me this
was my song. I like "Good Morning Starshine", too, because Starshine has been my CB handle for 30 years or more.

10. A track that reminds you of a special occasion (which one) : "Happy Together", came on the radio during the anniversary drive and the mate and I sang along to each other.

11. A track that you can relax to: "Thank God and Greyhound, You're Gone", it makes me laugh then I relax.

12. A track that stands for a really good time in your life: "Running Through the Fire" was the "launch" song for many of our rides when I was behind the mate instead of on my bike because it leads off my favorite album, the sound track to "Eddie and the Cruisers" and he would play it just for me. Mostly the driving beat and bass just made for great road music.

13. A track that is currently your favorite: "The Time Of My Life"

14. A track that you would dedicate to your best friend: "Summertime", Janis, which friend? Too Tall. for Tennessee Traveler it would be, "Sweet Baby James", for the Sensitve Sketcher, "Bobby McGee", For Val2, "Wasn't that a Party?", For the best friend ever, "Nobody does it better".

15. A track you think nobody but you likes: "On the Open Road" more Beaver Brown Band

16. A track that you like especially for its lyrics: "I'll never love this way again"

17. A track that you like that is neither English nor German: "Ca' Sara, sara"

18. A track that lets you release tension best: "I Will Survive" This is just a "let's dance!" song.

19. A track that you want to be played at your funeral: "Together Again"

20. A track that you'd nominate for the best of all times category: "Yesterday When I was Young", Roy Clark

There, that was fun. Happy thoughts.... I tag Jezzy and Anvil.

************

They are making a come back:
"- the producers wanted to skirt the Motion Picture
Code of Ethics (which prevents on screen portrayals of drug use) and hence
adopted an instructive form."

for you....

Seems a little selfish, doesn't it? Being concerned for yourself and whether or not the sun is shining for you is, however, a necessity for each of us. No matter what life is hitting us with or how much someone needs our support you have to take time to recharge your heart, you physical energy levels and your finances if you are going to be able to be a strong support for your friends or family.

Running from hospital to work to home or giving 24/7 care to a mate or family member without taking time for yourself will leave you depressed, exausted, and of no use to anyone. You have to take time for you. You have to be able to put the entire mess out of your mind to relax and rest yourself so you can be the best support possible for them.

If you don't it's like building a new home with beams full of termites. They look like beams, they appear solid, but when you put the stress of holding up a house on them, they collapse.

To avoid collapsing find someone to give you a break if you need it. Take that long soak with a candle and a book. Do a craft that requires your full attention so your mind can rest. What ever it is that you need. A friend to go to coffee with and unload your heart on can help. Even a professional listener if that's how deep the stress runs.

Last night I did the bills and realized it took every penny of the gifts from friends and the sale of the big red truck to get me through till now. I have a little money left in the bank and the new credit card came through so I have an emergency cushion but I am no where close to having any real savings or being able to fix the house yet. It leaves me wondering if I am really going to be able to support myself here. That is scary. I am not ready to face moving from where I was happiest in my whole life. Not. going. to. happen.

I realized that, like it or not, I have to get off the sad butt and sell the mate's last ride. It was Tuesday and the sis and Mom were there and saw the pitiful, small number in the check book. Mom asked what I was going to do and I just said, "I have to sell the bike." and my face turned into Big Taqaumanon Falls. I didn't mean to, it just runs out of me, the tears.

I had not known, or had avoided admitting to myself, that I was trying to keep that bike. I can't ride it, it does not fit me. I can't afford to insure it. I hate dusting useless crap and the mate would want someone that would be thrilled to own it and use it to have it but I did not want to let go of it. It was the best present we ever gave him and he loved that stupid hunk of metal.

While it rips my heart anew to do so I will be going home tonight, giving it a wash, getting the mileage off it, looking for the receipt for the new tires, making a list of all the goodies he put on it and making up an ad for it. This is the best time of year and one of the best years ever, due to the price of gas, to sell a motorcycle. I can't afford to be foolish about it and he wouldn't want me to go without when he could provide for me. I just hope whoever gets it rides it with as much joy and appreciation for a fine machine as the mate did.

But selling the last set of tail lights I followed just plain hurts.

I am not any good to me right now, not resting well, eating boring food at strange times, too busy with chores and keeping the house running to catch a break. I am so glad I got the ride on Saturday and the visit with my friend on Sunday. It looks like it will be awhile before I get to have a break from the everyday responsibilities again.

So I will have to try to find a way to recharge from here. I have a website or two to build and that will keep me busy for a month or better. I have started grooming the dogs for a half hour every night to give them more attention and giving them a run in the yard while I check on the gardens so we all get some outside time. I have two books to read. I have music, if I could just dare to play any of it yet, and I have a lovely yard and plenty of house projects to keep busy with. I have been working my voice and playing my gutiars again. Some of those things are theraputic for me and keep me from burning out.

I just can't seem to get used to doing all these things alone.

Day 49, still not one with no tears. But the sun is shining today, for me.

you'll see the sun is shinin through

the heavy, dark snow clouds. At least, it was this morning. Inspite of getting woken up in the night I feel a little more cheerful today.

All you males or quesy stomached females might want to move along now. TMI again here.

My moon flow started last night. It means that since the mate died I have gone back on a full moon cycle. Over the last 5 years my cycles would vary. I got my hopes up that I was done with all that mess when I missed 6 periods this summer but it came back a month or two before the mate died. I was so bummed.

Getting out of the hormone driven stage of my life seemed all good to me. But the pre-week blues, stress and bloating are back and I just hates it. Mostly because I quit being aware of it and it sneaks up on me. No wonder I am all whiny and whimpy on here this week. Now you have met the truely female me. She is such a cry baby, mopy thing that I even have a hard time respecting her.

You will just all have to forgive the "poor me" posts and write it off to my wild hormones. I will be back as myself by tomorrow. I hope.

Smile and maybe tomorrow

the nephews will send you an email or call you. The far north Nephew in Law started letting me know he was getting the bike out about Thursday last week, little rat. Luckily he had trouble getting his to start, too, so I don't look so bad. He has it under control now.

My other biking nephew left me a message on the machine to find when I got back from visiting my friend Sunday. When I called him back he told me he had ridden the hour or so down to my place only to find me gone. But he had come to chase me out for a ride. Bless his round wheels!

If they keep this up I will have to give them better nicks and start calling them friends.... I think I had to do the first ride of the year alone but it's nice to know I won't have to always ride that way if I don't feel like it. They both have given me standing invites to visit and ride. What a nice next gen we have coming along.

You ride, guys!

And my #1 Son called just to see how I was doing. I have a great bunch of next gen men coming up. Right now I wish one of them was a plumber....

I was woken up by the sound of something grinding and growling about four a.m. I grumble to the mate that the basement is his domain while I find my robe and mocs and then remember to get the flashlight.

The far sump was stuck running when it was empty. I jiggled the float and it shut off. I run the flash light around and realize the hose is draining right back into the sump and that the other sump line is leaking. I so needed something else to take my mind off things...

I went back upstairs and had a smoke then went back to bed. I added plumber to the list of contractors I need to call this morning.

I guess I better list the bike on some sites today.....I have to quit stalling.

If you smile through your tears and sorrow

not everything will look completely black.

I was working on the site for one friend when another gave me a ring yesterday. My friend from high school called and we set up a meet at (never again) a casino...yes, I always lose, yes I lost. she did win enough to come out ahead. I enjoyed myself enough to not mind the loss.

But I won in that it was so good to get back in touch with a woman I had known for years and missed for many. We lost each other after we got married. It really has been more than 30 years since we saw each other last.

There was a lot of catching up to do and I will be getting back in touch with her soon as the weather gets better. Our kids are almost a gen apart because I started young but she is happy with her mate and has everything she needs. It was good to know that.

We spent almost eight hours playing a little, talking a lot, eating a little, talking some more and it did both of us a lot of good. I actually felt physically better after talking to her. There was so much I wanted to ask but didn't or forgot because we talked about loss.

I thought she could help me understand mine better and she did at least affirm I am really not crazy. I also could tell her that I know where the mate and her dear departed are and comfort her that way.

Looking forward to getting the rest of my friends back with me and hoping some of my current friends start coming around soon.

When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by

Which you do. But it doesn't hurt to have a little help from your friends. I have now relocated 2 of the 5 I am looking for. They have all wandered through their own trials and tribulations and it's nice to see we have all been surviving.

I have been feeling a little neglected and, yes, hurt by my (read "our") current friends. Maybe I should not be. I could be just too sensitive right now. And I might be expecting too much of people. It just seems like out of all our friends at least one of them would have come by to see me. I have had three or four calls in the last 47 days and all of our friends at the memorial and otherwise have offered the standard, "If you need ANYTHING, call me." But not one has come to see me.

When the mate and I first got together many of his friends thought he was nuts to even want me, much less commit to me. Some of them made us feel like divorce was catching. Twenty years later they had all gotten over it and became my friends, too, I thought.

I never had those problems with my friends. I just told them I was going to marry the guy and could they not see me for awhile because of early relationship jealousy problems. They knew I was still their friend but had to put the mate first and most understandly hugged me good bye. Which is why I have to hunt to find them now...LOL.

I feel like I have an undiagnosed illness. Is it death that is catching or is it being the single half of a former couple I have? I have never treated our friends in a way to make them think I would behave inappropriately with any of them and it makes me feel bad that not even my woman friends have visited me since the memorial service to see how I am or to just have coffee and talk. Or just to play a game of crib.

It's true I have had great family support but you all know that family is different from mates and different from friends your own age. I feel abandoned.

Do they really think that I am so 'strong' that I don't feel a need for comfort or encouragement from them? And I did ask for time to meet with some of them, they won't even email me back...perhaps I am just a reminder of their loss and they can't bear to see me. Seeing them with him not there is hard for me, too. But do I have to lose all of them along with the mate? That will really hurt. It would leave me with no back up team of my own. It would hurt my heart, too, to never see them again.

It's not like I don't understand that coming to the house with the mate not in it anymore isn't difficult, but I do it every day after work. I can't think what to do to make them more comfortable here. I have said I would meet them somewhere else or go to their places. I just don't feel like I can if they don't invite me. And even the ones I have asked haven't invited me.

Do all widows and widowers deal with this? Am I just weird or can one of you shed some light on this topic. It's not really a problem yet, but I could have used a friendly voice several times in the past weeks. I am feeling the lack. I am not indestructable, and I am really not so very strong. I have just had no other option. No one to turn to about the bike, the guns or the furnace or the water heater or the guttering or for comfort and such so I do it myself. I just keep telling me I will be fine or - like mom would say - else!

It would have been nice to be able to consult with someone sometimes. But I feel like I am intruding if I ask them to help me. It might have been nice to get a hug from my friends. I guess I am just feeling like I can't handle it all alone sometimes, it just seems like too much to expect from one sad lady. But I keep doing it so I must be ok.

Right?

Smile - even tho' it's breaking

There were no clouds in the sky to day but there were plenty in the garage when I started the bike up. The mate was better about running out there about once a week and running the bikes till he got high on exaust fumes. The steel and cement cause condesation on the bikes, too.

I pulled the choke, twisted the throttle a couple times and pushed the wonderful little button. The starter turned over, the engine turned over, the smoke rolled out, and she killed. I repeated the steps, lots of noise, no action. ONCE more here....then I smelled the gas. I turned off the key.

After I flooded her I went in and changed into riding clothes. I talked to a neighbor getting ready to sell her house that had just learned the news for a minute and had stopped by to offer her condolences. Found my cigarettes, keys, money and ID and put them all in the pockets of a functioning leather and got back to the garage. Turned the key, pulled the choke, pushed the button, she started right up!

But it's cold blooded, old Honda and wouldn't idle. It stalled. I restarted her and cracked the throttle then dropped the cruise lock on her. HA! She had to stay running at three grand on the rpm meter! I lit a smoke and went out side the garage, waited for the steam and smoke to stop pouring out of her, put the smoke out and went in to get her out.

I let her idle in the drive while I got my helmet on and locked up the garage. I had carefully ignored the bike I wasn't taking for a ride yet, but still noticed he had killed some bugs with it last time out and I would have to scrub it down before I sold it.

I finally got to throw a leg over and get her off the kickstand. Tested the throttle, noticed she was missing at the low end and pulled out onto the muddy gravel road in front of the house. We got up the one block to the hard top, hung a north and headed out of town. LOL, 4 blocks later we were on the open road.

I had no where to go, no one to meet and no special destination but it was sunny and 55+ out and I was riding. I went up to make the big corner to top off the tank and get some carb cleaner to put in her, she was really laggy in the first three gears, missing and popping..ick. Two girls on horses pulled in while I was filling up. Couldn't help it, looked over at them and asked, "Got a flat?" They laughed and I put the cap back and went in to pay.

I put the carb cleaner and a spare water in the saddle bag and got back underway. It was totally beautiful out. As I went through the last town with a county cop post in it all the traffic went away. It was like someone called ahead and cleared the road. There was nobody but me out there. I rode the 100 mile per hour flats in my usual position, on the right, next to the white line and thought about the missing tail lights.

As I came up to the next stop light I pulled back to the left, near the center with my turn signal on for a left. There was still no traffic. I went past all the places friends or we have lived, where we have stopped for a smoke or sometimes a brew, or one of us broke down, places we had dinner, got a boxer pup, rescued kittens, hit yard sales and pulled over to help someone out. I saw the ice cream place he liked to take me because they had a flavor I liked, the empty lot where the flea market would be in a few weeks, passed by the gas stations where we had filled up, emptied out, grabbed snacks, met friends, and found fuses. I crossed the rivers, the creeks, and saw the stone houses we loved.

I got to the little town that is almost half way to our usual north destination, crossed the main street and kept heading north but changed my mind at the edge of town. I pulled over and turned back to stop at a little diner where I was the only customer. I met two nice kids, had toast and eggs and headed for the house.

I kept having to slow down, I was doing freeway speeds and not realizing it. I figured out that I had it in my head that just over the next rise I might find my tail lights. Then I put it at 59 and set the cruise. I had a smoke, using the "will light in eighty mph. winds" lighter the mate got me for christmas one year. I took a sip of water from the jug in the holder he mounted for me. I watched for deer and idiots, saw neither the rest of the way home.

I pulled up to the garage and sat there a minute looking at the closed door. If I was out without him, the mate would have it open with the light on for me. If we were coming back together the mate would put his bike on the kick stand, open the door and let me pull in while he turned his bike to back it in.

I put the kickstand down and put her in neutral. I got off and opened the garage to face the bike that was left behind. I turned away and got back on my own ride, put the stand up, drove in and parked her next to The Black. I turned her off, put her on the kickstand again and turned off the key. I took off my helmet and put it on the shelf then got off the bike, walked out and closed the door behind me, leaving the two of them alone to commune about the ride.

I was having dinner with the sis and then doing the taxes. I took off the mate's leather, took off the mate's half gloves and hung up the one and put away the other. Before I could leave I had to feed and water the animals and get my paperwork for the taxes. Dinner was supposed to be roast pork but when I called to tell her I was on my way she had made me scalloped potatoes and ham. "Come in from the north or you might get stuck," she added.

Little red truck got me there just fine. I walked down to the barn to watch her feed the little and big horses, the mini donkey and the chickens. I petted the dogs and the horses. I went back to the house with her and watched her man watching Armageddon, one of our favorites, while she got dinner around and maple syrup finished up on the stove.

Dinner was great. The potatoes were perfect. The roast was done well. I did the taxes the easy way, her mate typed them up for me and printed them. They are all ready to mail tomorrow. We played some rummy but didn't keep score. She poured off and canned the maple syrup. It looked like liquid golden sunshine.

I climbed into the little red truck and headed out their dirt drive to the dirt road. I put it in 4w once, but more for comfort than need. The roads were muddy and torn up by traffic but little red did ok. You can't tell I gave her a bath last week anymore. I will grab the windex and get her rinsed off tomorrow when I take the first two boxes of kitchen stuff to the safe house.

Smile, when your heart is aching

The mate was a funny guy, it was mentioned in his tributes by the many who knew him. I mentioned in a reply to a comment that I had come across the envelope for my birthday card he gave me this year. What I didn't say was what I received from him.


I have been beating my brains out trying to remember....because the joke he pulled on me blew the gifts right out of my mind. For my 50th birthday the mate gave me a white gold ring with ten channel set diamonds. It's a beauty and I was surprised how much it meant to me. He got the pool room for his 50th.

That year we were flush, this year we were not. Gifts were still numerous between us, but smaller and more practical. He gave me my gifts at a Bible Study night because the mom and sis had brought cards and cake and he didn't want to wait any longer and because he needed an audience.

"Last year," he announced, "I gave you diamonds. That's hard to top but I still wanted to give you something special and that showed how much I loved you." He gave me a big smile, picked up the gift bag from the counter, walked over to where I sat with twinkling eyes and continued, "It wasn't easy, but this year, I got you fur's."

I am looking at the small sized bag and wondering if he fianally carried out his joke about making me a muff from his "trot line" for mice. A mouse muff....ick! It's not a big enough bag for a real fur unless it's just a stole rolled up really small....

He let us all have time enough to speculate what kind of fur would fit in such a small bag then reached into the bag, rustled around to find what he wanted and pulled out a small, tissue wrapped package, looked me right in the eye and said, in a deep south accent, "Dis is fur you, " and handed it to me.

He reached back into the bag and with a flourish worthy of a magician, pulled out a second package and repeated, "Dis is fur you, annnunnd," he put that one in my lap then he lifted out a larger gift, "Dis is fur you!" and popped it into my lap by the second one.

We had been cracking up since the first "fur". By the time he got to the last one we were in full chorus, laughing and smiling. I knew he couldn't have gotten me real furs and I didn't feel a need for them but I loved the "fur" he chose to give me, laugh-fur!

My very favorite thing to do is crack a new book, make a pot of strong coffee and nibble on a box of candy while I read in a comfy chair. There was a dark roast sample pack of coffee, The complete Narnia in one book and a small box of dark chocolates.

The kids send me this combo when nothing else jumps up and bites them for me and I always set aside an hour or two in the evening to indulge it fully. One of the things that is difficult when you are someone who has everything you ever wanted is finding a gift you can enjoy. The mate and I both were in that boat. We didn't need anything material.

So what the mate was going for with this gift was just to show he remembered the day and to give me something I never had enough of, smiles and laughter. I can't think about the way he went into his best southern drawl to get the phrasing to work or the look on his face as he presented me my gifts without at least smiling.

Along with loving me everyday, he made me feel happy and brought laughter to my life. Some of it will always be there for me to draw on in the future. Whether it was by telling me funny jokes or telling me how crazy he was about me, he made me smile at least once a day.

Now I am reaching for the smiles he left me to paste over my face till I can find new ones to wear. Tell someone you love them, compliment someone today, make someone feel good and laugh out loud. It will last so much longer than a gift of material goods or money and costs you nothing.

So, from the mate's emails to me I have one for all of you today.

Hello, and welcome to the mental hospital hotline.......

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number and mothers maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to YOU.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

If you want to speak to a supervisor please press 7734 on a digital calculator and turn it upside down to find out where you can reach them.

Are we smiling now?

PS, I was working on a website for a friend and looked over at the photo I keep by the machine of the mate and felt a big twinge of sad. Then I laughed out loud because in my head I heard, "It only hurts when I think about it" like the mate doing Rodney Dangerfield (said like 'it only hurts when I laugh...) and I realized I had been so into my work I had not hurt till I thought about it.....maybe you had to be here but I thought it was funny.

Imagine me and you, I do

I think about you day and night, it's only right to think about the one you love...

But I am getting mind blocked, locked in and locked down with the mate. I can understand easier now why some people might have to move from the home they shared. The mate is everywhere - and not there at all. The contrast rips at your heart every minute.

You think, if you put their things out of sight you won't hurt so badly. You start with the small things, throw out the old tooth brush, the hair brush, dust off the after shave and cologne and put it back for someone to use up, stall at the electric razor and shove it back in the box on the shelf for no reason other than you can't decide what else to do with it.

But the next time you go in there it looks all wrong and that hurts too, the gaps where those things used to be stand out like billboards in the flat lands. It just seems like you can't win for losing. It's either wrong or filled with them and you realize it doesn't matter, you are going to hurt anyway. And again you cry.

At night, when I am busy not sleeping, I have had long, heavy thoughts about the thing that is me and the thing that was him and the love between them. The bible study Tuesday went way off track to help me deal with this in the way I was raised to believe. (which is not quite the way I believe now, but we don't tell the Mom that often..)

I have been trying to resolve the NDE, the acknowledgment of the truth that I am more than, but trapped in, this flesh, nourishing the flesh, fighting cravings of the flesh and still feel the hunger of the spirit for the touch of the spirit and nourishment for my spirit.

The mate and I KNEW we loved the spirit/essence/soul of the other. He often called me the other half of his soul and I reciprocated the feeling completely. While he could be a major hunk, much of the time we were both overweight and dealing with health issues. While we always partied with the bodies, it was the spirits, the souls, that we loved in each other. The true selves. Flawed and deceitful as they could be, our selves were drawn to comfort, support and love each other like two reciprocating magnets.

While I have issues with the needs of the flesh, I feel more the need to commune with the self that is gone from here now. I just don't know how. There have been dreams and more coincidences than I am willing to share here ( you wouldn't believe me anyway) I want to just hear him talk back to me. But again, ears are flesh..so darn, that isn't going to work. Next idea?

I have spent some time over last weekend putting his memorial page together and I hung it at http://herway.com/mydarling/ . It has all the material that was here and the article from the last chapter newsletter I received by our friend and current Chapter Director. It's there for the kids, for me and for his friends to go to when we need to think of him. When I get more material from others I will add it there.

It was a comfort to me to try, once again, to let the mate know I not only loved, but respected him and would do full honor to his memory. Sometimes he was too modest. (not often...lol)

My man had all his medals from his years in the army burn up in the fire of '89. Parts of them survived. The metal piece from his Meritorious Service Medal survived but the hanger bar was destroyed. This is awarded to a member of the Armed Forces of the United States who, while serving in a noncombat area after 16 January 1969, has distinguished himself or herself by outstanding meritorious achievement or service. Before that date he would have received a Bronze Star.

All that means is, while you were not getting shot at, you did something very brave. My mate saved a man's life by bodily pulling him from the moving turret of a tank before he was ripped in half. The man was probably also one of his men and he would have felt terrible about it because there were two in danger and he could only save one of them.

My mate didn't get a medal for saving my life. Something brought up in my busy, busy head one night, the comparison of where I was when we met - mentally, emotionally and financially - with where the mate has left me today. He really should get a medal for pulling me back together, moving me down the road and teaching me to function in society....LOL, "He taut me ta wok and ta tok, he did!" and then he tricked me into liking it.

I don't want to go back to being a free spirited and homeless wandering minstrel. I want to be a free spirited, self supporting, home based something. I like having a yard and a door to shut the world out and a vehicle that runs. I like my gardens and my birds and pets. I have two gutiars now, when I want to play them, and several harmonicas. All the things I said back near Christmas, that I was content, happy and had every thing I wanted, is still true, and he gave that truth to me. All I don't have is him to share it with. I'd give it all up and throw in my shoes, too, to have him back, but it's not going to happen. Deal with it! I tell me. Screw off, I answer.

We started out with so close to nothing that you could get most of what we had, in better shape, at any good junk store. His Harley and my gutiar were our only treasures. Toss in a dog and three cats for our entertainment. Butch Cassidy (girl), Spike Jones (girl) and the Sundance Kid (male) made up our little hole in the wall gang, and were led by the dog Clementine, a half lab half dane mut. Add a ten by fifty trailer that the doors locked on if you lifted them just a little, with one beater S-10 truck and there ya had it, white trash heaven!

So I am upper lower class now instead of barely poverty level, this is a problem?

It's all in the perspective. I'm working on it.

You showed me how, mate.

I can do this.

There's a Lady who knows all that glitters not gold

...and he used to play me Stairway to Heaven...My friend Too Tall is back and it was such a smile when I am so sad. To know you have a true friend, while not as good as a true soul mate, is darn close! Course, as usual,I don't know how we will be much good to each other with him on one coast and me in the middle but HEY! It's someone who knows me well and still likes me! Hard to come by. Well treasured.

Hoping to find a few more and dig them out of moth balls. Why? One of the things I want to do before I die is tell those I have loved I love them still and what they meant to me. In his commment on the last post he gives me high praise but neglects to add that I, in turn, showed up and dumped on him when I let their father have custody of my kids and was - pretty literally - going out of my mind.

There were hugs, ears to hear, hearts to listen and music till you had it playing in your head in your sleep, not to mention that I seemed to be able to find all the cheap booze in the world for almost as long as I have grieved this loss.

He never threw me out no matter how stupid I got, I never went hungry and I had a bed of my own under a roof that didn't leak. And that was true anytime either of us had a roof then the other had a bed.

So welcome true Friend! I would not have bet on either of us surviving this well back when we were eating "Death Defying Biscuts" with just a touch of strawberry jam. Yay, US!

More on that later, believe me!

Today was so warm up here, forty five-ish, that the bikes were out. I couldn't stand to go home. I would have wanted to start the bikes, maybe even ride mine and I can't get it back in the garage till I get me one of those fancy bike rotation devices that you put down like a big lazy susan. You drive in, park on it, get off, spin the bike and you are ready to leave again.

The garage is really haunted for me, way worse than the house. It was the mate's own space, like his pool room upstairs, that was just the way he wanted it. I feel like I am getting in his wallet without asking first to even move a tool. I could never have dealt with starting his bike. It would have put me right back to crying my face off.

I had left the dogs out with lots of food and water, I didn't need to worry about the furnace because it wasn't cold and I decided to run to town for a couple things and eat at a cheap diner I hang at. Then the nephew needed to talk and brought his girl to join me. They are trying to work their way to their future and at their age the prospect of six weeks or more apart seems like forever.

We had nice dinners and I tried to define what the real problem was. I think it is just that they need a little more concrete definition of their relationship. They are still in the boy/girl friend state of mind but have lived together a while now... I call this the sh_t or get off the pot phase of love. If it's real, commit, if it's not, set me loose but for crying out loud let me know where I stand. I think it's the hardest part of any relationship.

I also think they will do ok working it out. At least they will know themselves better when they are done talking about it. That accomplished I headed for home and forgot to get half the stuff I went for...like normal. So I will be repeating it again tomorrow.

Now I sit hear and listen to the rain on the roof, a spring sound to go with all the dead skunks I have been seeing. The sun was out today in the afternoon. I found a lost friend and will find two more through him, I hope. The Uncle will be back in the state soon and see me. I still would like to talk to him to his face.

For the first time since the mate died I am looking further than the next time I have to go to work. Yay me.

Right?

but it's my life

The nights... I don't think it's any big suprise to anyone that after losing your best buddy and bunkie that the nights are long and hard.

I have avoided posting this but decided that it is another part of learning to cope and must be included for this to be a truthful blog for others to learn from.

I avoided changing the sheets for weeks after the mate died. I needed the comfort it gave me to be just exactly where we were last happy and loving with each other. I needed the pheremones in his pillow to calm my spirit and let me sleep, pretending that pillow was him nestled beside me. I needed the room to look and smell the same when I walked into it. Just the one change, him never joining me there again, was all I could handle for 39 days.

I ran the vac, washed the rugs and changed the sheets this weekend. I checked with a friend and I am just fine, she wouldn't even enter their bedroom for weeks after her mate died. For another friend, the house stayed exactly the same for most of two years. You do what you must to comfort yourself and survive.

But I am finding I can't go to bed until I am exausted now. I do chores, I write the bills, I do the paperwork, I play cards online till everyone else is gone, I pet the dogs, I make the coffee for morning, I take a shower, and then I make hot coco and buttered toast and I still am not able to face the bed. So I read till my head drops to the table. Or I play my gutiar. Or I look up obscure things on the net...or I read your blogs. Anything but sleep.

Yesterday it caught up with me. I took an allergy pill and fell asleep at my desk so deeply that I don't even know if anyone caught me. When I woke up I realized I had to get this under control or I would be totally backwards in my sleeping patterns.

Tonight I will try watching a movie and sleeping in the recliner or on the couch if that is what I have to do. I am not going to be independently wealthy anytime soon and I have to work. That means I have to be awake days. That means I have to sleep nights.

And it used to be, when I got caught up in a project or a game, that the mate would chivvy me into going to bed by threatening to be asleep when I got there, no good night kiss for me! But that's no threat now.

So 41 one days later, still not a tearless day and the bed has gotten too empty for me, inspite of my best intentions to remember the mate loved me so much it has to feel like that now.

Oh that night life ain't no good life

So what do you do when you are left behind and have time to fill that used to be too busy to schedule a car wash in? You start finding people that have been important to you and letting them know they still are. You find time to call friends you haven't seen in a long time. You make time to take yourself to dinner on payday week. Then you clean house, too.

One of the things I have tried to do is if I think of something someone needs - do it NOW. I am human and forget alot, just like the rest of you. But I am trying to do better with this. Spreading the love is important and doing something nice for someone is letting them know they are loved.

The Uncle and I got to talk last night. I was his helper when his wife was down with a brain tumor years back. There were so many things I wanted to tell him then but could not and so much I wanted him to know...I finally got a chance to tell him what I saw in him as a person and what I thought of him as an example to others. I don't know if it will make him feel any better but I feel that I should have shared these thoughts long ago but didn't because, for many reasons, it seemed to be the wrong time.

When my Dad died I saw this Uncle for the first time in many years. His personal tribute to my parent touched my heart, it was so appropriate. It eased my hurt then and still does when I think about it now. But I still could not get the time to talk with him.

For me, he has reached out a hand, as one who also lost a true love, to steady me as I continue to learn to live without my teammate. He accepted my words as the truth as I saw things and was gracious enough to just say thank you and not debate them with me. And he gave me leave to call on him when the nights are bleak if I feel the need.

That's family up here. His children may never appreciate what he had to deal with as he walked this path with them to still raise and care for, but I do. I am proud of my uncle and I am so glad I got to tell him that before one of us was not here anymore.

Where I thought I would be spreading the love, he sent some my way. What a boost it gave me.

So I will keep trying to find my missed friends and family and get back in touch with them. Every time I have so far has been important to both of us. It keeps me from locking into the "oh, poor lonely me" that tempts me daily because I am busy hunting friends and family to bushwhack, uh, I mean , surprise...

Consider yourself warned, old pals and family. I'm looking for you.
Too Tall Terry Hansen, Daniel Lilly, Debby Lilly, Leslie Harris, I would like to hear from you and Bob Winter, my artist from TX.

Be it ever so humble there's no place like home

The weekend was strange and they are likely to get stranger as we go down the road into the future. The nephew showed up to fix the spring on the white truck driver's door and we had a cup of coffee and a talk about what he wanted from the future. He has some conflicts and I hope to help him and his girl work together for what is best for them as a team later this week.

I think my sis called to see what I was up to once, too. I really don't remember because I forgot to write it down. But mostly I was just there by myself and it was too cold to play outside.

What was strange about it? Well, I was alone most of it. And I ran the vac and mopped floors, did laundry, changed out the bed, cleaned off some counters, took the organizer drawers we work out of every day all year and cleared them of last year's paper work with this year's all nice and neat in them and burned a ton of trash, bagged more and took a swipe at the porch.

On Sunday I finished up with dishes, sorting some of the bed and bath stuff out and then went late in the day to the local cheap store to replace some totally worn out rugs. I only spent about 75.00 but the bath has new towels, rugs, shower curtain and window curtain, the kitchen has 3 new rugs and the pantry has two recycled from the kitchen rugs. I grabbed a sudoku book, (thanks saur) and a couple odds and ends, too. If I run through tonight with the machine and touch up the dog tracks with the instant mop, the house looks pretty clean for bible study.

So what's my problem? It feels SO wrong! My house is normally dusty, dog tracked, human tracked, dog haired in the corners, with a few dishes in the sink and the drainer and trails of whatever we ate last on the counters....

We always kept the trash and the bath decent but for the rest, we had better things to do on the weekend... Like watch old movies and the birds, read, go for drives or shop together, get a little tipsy and fool around, the really important stuff.

There is no one messing the house up while I am at work or cooking my favorite dinner and leaving the stove all grease spots. No one leaves cups and glasses and bowls in the living room or face hair all over the sink in the bathroom. There aren't any tools stacked in the window sill by the table or any projects cluttering the table up. The toilet paper roll is always under, not over.

When I get home the house is just the way I left it. It gets a little cleaner and more organized everytime I do something along those lines. It's starting to feel like a house for displaying my good house keeping skills and I don't really have any, I just don't cook as much or eat in the living room or use very many dishes in a day so it doesn't get as disorganized.

It is starting to feel like a little old lady house. I am hating it!

I love you just the way you are

I can't talk right now, my brain and my heart are having a long talk.

Thanks for being here for me...

You are all great friends!

You get by with a little help from your friends

Just a note....

I was watching my stats for several new readers the last couple weeks, two people must have had cable hook ups and forgot what they were doing because one had me on for 17 hours and one for 12...or they were reading to catch up

Who is reading me from: Columbia, MO..did they know me when I lived there in the 80's? Do they ever hear John D'Augustino play piano and do John Prine or other jazz and blues?

SanDiego, CA...The last place I knew my too tall friend was living? Is it my too tall friend from Stanton?

Bryan, OH...who comes all the time and reads here?

Several places in CO....do they know me from when I worked at the Rocky Raccoon? Is it my friends, Blue and Bunkie? Do they just read the blog?

And if I get 25- 80 visitors a day why are there only 2 - 9 comments? Cat got your tongue? Mouse got your fingers? Even if you only say, "Hi, I was here today, I know you from or I never knew you but I like your blog." I am tickled to hear from you and will check out your blogs and comment. So don't be shy, say Hi!

I had one anonymous poster back a while ago who is a single male raising a daughter. I would like to get in touch with him but I can't remember if he posted here or on the other blog. Who ever he was, he sounded so sad and lonely I would like to encourage him to keep in touch with his friends and family as well as me. We care.

So the question I have is what brought you here? The second one is why do you keep reading?

I know the topic here is depressing and has been for the last 38 days. I hope to be able to lighten up and this post is one attempt at that. So is this photo of my friend, Moo.

Anyone that posts a reply to either question will get a visit from me to their blog and a comment left for them there. I will also reply to questions you ask me, if you have any.

If you are not a blogger leave a note with an email address and I will reply to your post.

I never have much luck with these "Tell me" posts but I thought I would try again.

that's where my baby stays

in a red house over yonder...It was a smile for us, the house I lived in was red and it was just 'over yonder' from the mate's home. Now he's some where over the rainbow.

I made it through a Wednesday without instant replays of my new worst day ever or freaking out at work and having to leave early. That's progress of a sort and thirty five days into surviving. The power of positive thinking here. But I still haven't made it even one of them without tears. So I still have a goal.

The little red truck went in for a tail gate door latch repair. It's ok, but I need to replace the latch, I'm told. Happens I might even know where to find one. And last night the mate's nephew brought back the white truck. For about two hundred dollars, including some paint and bondo, she's gonna look like new and be all back to factory specs with working air. I figure that between the two of them I am good for another 500,000 miles or about 6 years. That should give me plenty of time to save up for a car.

The sis and Mom went to the neice's place to clean for her Tuesday and we cancelled bible study. The niece is scheduled for a C section on the 17th. Too, bad. That's our best friend and his son's birthdays and the day the house burnt down in '89. But the good new is I should be able to remember this one's bday. We have good people in this family and I hope they all had a good time being together.

We had another ice day Thursday and I was late to work, I waited till the salt trucks came through to leave. On my way in there is a place where 2 rivers come together and just after I crossed the bridge an bald eagle flew in front of me, crossing from one river to the other to fish. I haven't seen the eagles here in about two years. It looked so free and was the mate's animal of choice. His kids and I have given him many things with eagles on them over the years. Of cours it brought tears to my eyes. But I stifled and got to work ok.

I had to leave work early to get my check in the bank before it closed so I only worked about 4 hours and had to leave stacks of work on my desk. I hate that! Most of the main roads were clear and I made it with ten minutes to spare.

While the dogs were in it was early and I had left later in the morning so I stopped by a friend's house. She does everything before I do, including menopause and becoming a widow. Her mate went on the table as they tried to do a third bypass operation several years ago. We had coffee and talked. She answered my questions and we shared the sad knowledge that we just had to keep on keeping on and that our hearts would always be saddened by their loss. Still, she affirmed that I am not crazy. Just normal grieving for a mate. I felt a little better before I left.

There is the air to charge, two springs to replace, the tailgate to fix on the white truck so the mate's nephew and neice will be around a while. There are friends to comfort and talk with still. With laundry and chores and the trouble I am having getting the furnace guy out I am staying busy. Plus I am hoping to hear from the cousins and the Uncle soon to set up a meet. So I will be staying busy over the weekend.

And to repeat myself, love 'em while ya got 'em. Every time one of you is nice to the mate or the family because you are reading here the mate's love for me is spreading love still and that is what we are here to do. Enjoy yourselves this weekend, have fun while you can.