Missed the Saturday dance

I keep telling my self I am going to hit the jam session on Thursday in town. Or the one on Friday in the next little town. Or the one on Sunday at the little town bar, or kareoke in the bigger town and I keep managing not to go. I have been working with the guitar and the voice to try to get both back where they belong but it's been years (19) since I played regularly or sang to a crowd. I am just doing it to start getting out of the house, I tell me. But I am not out yet.

Last night my gf met me for dinner, her treat, nice lady, and we had a nice time. Then we went to where her boy was bowling to see him playing league. It was distracting. I had planned ahead and left the dogs out, it wasn't too cold for them yesterday. I tried to relax and enjoy. The boy is my friend, too, another next gen biker.

I kept watching the guys bowling. They all seemed to be having a pretty good time. There was some drinking but no nasty drunks. Some of them had ladies with them, some didn't. Some had rings on their left hands, some didn't. With 20 lanes and 4 or 5 guys to a team there were at least a hundred men there. I looked and looked and still came up with not one of them I was interested in meeting, much less getting to know as a friend.

Yup, I was looking. I have had a male in my life that was affectionate and sexually active (and great at making love with me) for a long time. I am missing the touch of a man. I have been wishing for just someone to hold me while I go off duty and grieve. I can't imagine being able to have a serious relationship with a man right now, I am still and will be for as far as I can see ahead, in love with the mate.

I have even looked in Craig's list for interesting guys to meet for onesies, even wrote to a couple, even liked one of them. But I had to cancel, can't do it. It's hard to have this need for a male for comfort and companionship but no heart for the games of getting to know each other. I could have, at one time in my life, met a man anyplace, hit it off and gone to bed with them. We would both enjoy it and move on, with no problem, the next day. I have discovered I can't hope for that now. I need love in my bed. Lust is nice and sex is fun but satisfaction only comes with love.

I have to have mutual respect and affection to be friends. I have to have trust to show my vunerablity. I have developed standards somewhere along the way and to have another man ever he is going to have to be someone that not only I respect and like but that I think the mate would have respected.

I keep thinking that "just a guy" to sit here with a cuppa and talk with me while I do chores would fill some of the emptiness in the house. Just a friend to make male noises, to let me bounce ideas off him, would be enough for now. But there aren't any and I can't just go out and grab one because I have nothing to offer them beyond the coffee, or maybe, a roll to go with it.

I can't offer my heart and if I don't have my heart in it I can't offer my body, and it's not much of an offer anymore, rather soft and round and scarred all over. Kind of a raw deal for the guys and just not right as a swap.

Tomorrow is day 60 that I have had no partner here to love me, though. It feels like 60 days in solitary confinement. No one to talk to, to one to grab the other end, help me do the things that feel too hard for me, read me the paper while I cook, reach stuff off the high shelves, make me laugh, listen to my day's stories and just enjoy being together while we go through the routine of the evenings.

The animals help by loving me no matter how worthless I am to them. My card playing buddies help by keeping the last hour before bedtime filled. My friends help by calling and dragging me out of the house, keeping me distracted. At least, the ones who call do. You help by reading this and letting me know I am still ok here. Your words of comfort and encouragement make a difference in my life and attitude, honest.

I have had 4 people I know of in the last week read darn near every post here and one of them even read the other blog. I haven't been able to touch it because it was just getting to the place I meet the mate as a teen and I am just not ready to deal with those memories right now. But they have read it all. Like it was important to them to know the whole story. I can only hope they found something they needed here. They don't comment.

The mate used to read the blog, too. And he would get all huffy with me if I talked too much about him here. There was a lot I didn't put here about us just to keep him happy. He was a much more private person than I am.

I think I wanted to write this post to show that, even in the darkness of my loss of the true love of my life, that the flesh and the mind still crave the completeness of a partner. Where the heart is shut down and the spirit is reaching for him every night in my dreams, I still have a need for a companion that I just can't fill at this time. It's a normal response driven by the need to procreate spurred by the loss of my mate, I think. I still don't like admitting I have these feelings and needs inside me.

No one can replace him, believe me, Kira, LOL, even Alex, because none of the men out there is my soul's mate like he was. No one can be the everyday partner he was for me, because our partnership was so filled with our love for each other. Still, even knowing these things, I wish for the impossible. Just a friend to help me pass through this black hole of hurt and get me to the other side where I can maybe at least contemplate being a good friend to a man again.

And I get angry with myself. The mate gave me all the love he had every day for 20 years plus more and I can't do 60 days alone without wanting the helping hand of another male? What kind of woman am I to even think like this so soon?

I am a spoiled woman, used to having the love and respect, the aid and comfort of a loving partner. I miss it so much. Even knowing I can't replace it I crave it still. I can't have the mate back. Ergo I have to make a friend to help me cope. But I can't. It's just not in me.

So what do I do about all this confusion? It's an easy answer. I am alone. I don't go out. I cry a lot. I miss my man. I sing my love songs to him of an evening. I write. I hurt. I take care of me.

I hug a no longer scented pillow and beg him to come back to me. Because the math on this one boils down to a woman who is going to be alone a long time. To be true to myself and the standards I have it's the only option left to me.

Now that is a life math problem with a hurtful truth in it that I don't want to face. But there it is. I just don't want to deal with it. I want it to go away and not be a problem anymore. What I want isn't how the universe works. And that has been a problem my whole life, LOL. I have had to learn how to deal with a universe that goes it's way regardless of what I want or what I feel is important. I can't fix this anymore than I can fix the other ills of the world.

All I can do is be a friend to my friends, a mother to the kids, a grand to the grands, a biker with my bike, a singer with her guitar, a housekeeper, a gardener, a writer, a finacial planner, and a woman alone.