Although a tear may be ever so near

Every other Thursday is bad, the mate is supposed to show up to take the money to the bank. Now I have to get out early and run two towns over to make the deposit. Wednesday's are no good now, that's the day of the week he died and I still have trouble with it. It used to be Happy Friday when I got home because the weekend began and now it's "what will I do but clean house?" Friday. I am running out of days for "good" days... it's still 4 to 3 but when you split the good days into only functioning properly a half day then it's 2-5 and I am back to having only two good days a week...Tuesday and Sunday.

Yesterday was 18 years since we burned out in The Swamp. It is also one of our best friend's birthday's and his son's, too. I spent the day trying to call and wish them HB but they were gone all day. I was bummed. I hope they had a decent bday. And I thought about the fire...

The fire taught us a lot about what is and is not important to us. It's part of why we were more likely to be out riding than mowing the lawn on a weekend. You are only here for a little while and stuff just burns up. Do it while you can, with "do it" being a wide variety of things, see the kids, visit the folks, go riding with friends, make love, party, and go fishing then neck in the bushes with the mate. What ever spreads the love or makes your love burn true, do it now.

It was not an easy day for me. I don't really know why. Thursday I had dug up the third of my five friends I am looking for. She and I met when she got off work and we went for munchies and coffee to a small bar where we sat and talked a few hours. We got mostly caught up enough to feel good about the visit and not enough to not meet soon and do it some more.

It felt good to talk to someone who understands me and the depths of me. To say a simple phrase like, "I'm not doing so well today." and have her KNOW it was the understatement of the month but was still all I could say about it without falling apart. While I knew she didn't care if I fell apart, we were in public, I don't do public freak outs very often.

The third friend is opting to wait longer for getting reaccquainted because they are busy in their own life right now. That is cool by me. If it's not fun for everyone then you don't do it. I can wait for them to have the correct time in their life for old friends.

But Friday after work I could hardly drive home. And if there had been no message on the machine I would have tried to call someone but would not have known who to try. I returned the call to a friend that I will be selling the trailer back to that went behind the bike. We talked for three hours, he and I and his wife, my friend, also.

When we were done I was better - or could at least breath again and the swelling in my eyes had gone down enough I could read. I made something to eat, fed the animals and got around for bed. Then I gave a call to a friend in the south and he talked to me for awhile. I finally gave up and went to bed about midnight.

I can't explain how suddenly the "wrong" routine or the doing of a chore the mate would usually do can set you off. You go from putzing around and getting things done to full "omg this is too much to ask of me" grieving in under a split second. I was ready to crawl into a bottle and never come out again Friday night.

This morning the mate's eldest called me around eight am....this is bad but crap happens. She grabbed some rolls and came out to spend the day. We talked, sorted stuff, fixed the phones, watched a movie and then she went home, bearing gifts for her, the sis and the grands. We cried a little while she was here and I gave her a hug, too. But then we go on.

I feel like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Sometimes I function fine, some times I keep moving but not well and sometimes I just come to a screeching halt and fall apart. It would be ok but you never know from one sentence to the next what is going to happen. How you will react. If you will be ok or not. I was seriously considering getting with the doc and getting some happy pills.

But I don't WANT to be happy! I'm sad and I want to feel it. When I was happy I felt it, when I was in love, I felt it. This is the normal end of that time in my life and I will have all the sad feelings that reflect the love my mate and I had together. It is part of loving. Saying good bye, letting go, dealing with changes are part of all the things we do with others in our life.

I don't think it is time for me to be "happy" again. It will come. I just feel like I have to let these feelings into my life, also, to experience all of our love for each other. And I want it ALL.

No one ever said it would always be easy or promised me a rose garden. All he said was he would always love me. I still believe that. I will always believe that. I have to.

As the days go by, each one taking me further from the days with the mate I find it is a truth - he is not here but I still love him. It is not just the words, "I still love my mate", it is the soul of me still loving the spirit of him. I may find others to love as I travel alone here but I will never not love the mate.

That is not a desperate screech of denial, it is a simple statement of something that becomes more true every day for me. I don't wake up "not in love anymore", I just wake up with out the body of the mate in bed beside me. The love is staying in my heart.

I give up, you figure it out. I even confused me with that one.