for you....

Seems a little selfish, doesn't it? Being concerned for yourself and whether or not the sun is shining for you is, however, a necessity for each of us. No matter what life is hitting us with or how much someone needs our support you have to take time to recharge your heart, you physical energy levels and your finances if you are going to be able to be a strong support for your friends or family.

Running from hospital to work to home or giving 24/7 care to a mate or family member without taking time for yourself will leave you depressed, exausted, and of no use to anyone. You have to take time for you. You have to be able to put the entire mess out of your mind to relax and rest yourself so you can be the best support possible for them.

If you don't it's like building a new home with beams full of termites. They look like beams, they appear solid, but when you put the stress of holding up a house on them, they collapse.

To avoid collapsing find someone to give you a break if you need it. Take that long soak with a candle and a book. Do a craft that requires your full attention so your mind can rest. What ever it is that you need. A friend to go to coffee with and unload your heart on can help. Even a professional listener if that's how deep the stress runs.

Last night I did the bills and realized it took every penny of the gifts from friends and the sale of the big red truck to get me through till now. I have a little money left in the bank and the new credit card came through so I have an emergency cushion but I am no where close to having any real savings or being able to fix the house yet. It leaves me wondering if I am really going to be able to support myself here. That is scary. I am not ready to face moving from where I was happiest in my whole life. Not. going. to. happen.

I realized that, like it or not, I have to get off the sad butt and sell the mate's last ride. It was Tuesday and the sis and Mom were there and saw the pitiful, small number in the check book. Mom asked what I was going to do and I just said, "I have to sell the bike." and my face turned into Big Taqaumanon Falls. I didn't mean to, it just runs out of me, the tears.

I had not known, or had avoided admitting to myself, that I was trying to keep that bike. I can't ride it, it does not fit me. I can't afford to insure it. I hate dusting useless crap and the mate would want someone that would be thrilled to own it and use it to have it but I did not want to let go of it. It was the best present we ever gave him and he loved that stupid hunk of metal.

While it rips my heart anew to do so I will be going home tonight, giving it a wash, getting the mileage off it, looking for the receipt for the new tires, making a list of all the goodies he put on it and making up an ad for it. This is the best time of year and one of the best years ever, due to the price of gas, to sell a motorcycle. I can't afford to be foolish about it and he wouldn't want me to go without when he could provide for me. I just hope whoever gets it rides it with as much joy and appreciation for a fine machine as the mate did.

But selling the last set of tail lights I followed just plain hurts.

I am not any good to me right now, not resting well, eating boring food at strange times, too busy with chores and keeping the house running to catch a break. I am so glad I got the ride on Saturday and the visit with my friend on Sunday. It looks like it will be awhile before I get to have a break from the everyday responsibilities again.

So I will have to try to find a way to recharge from here. I have a website or two to build and that will keep me busy for a month or better. I have started grooming the dogs for a half hour every night to give them more attention and giving them a run in the yard while I check on the gardens so we all get some outside time. I have two books to read. I have music, if I could just dare to play any of it yet, and I have a lovely yard and plenty of house projects to keep busy with. I have been working my voice and playing my gutiars again. Some of those things are theraputic for me and keep me from burning out.

I just can't seem to get used to doing all these things alone.

Day 49, still not one with no tears. But the sun is shining today, for me.