10/12/2009

Turn me loose, set me free

somewhere in the middle of Montana...

Today I could go anywhere I want. I COULD go anywhere I want. No dogs, auto feeder for cat, enough gas money.... I had to cancel...

Today I'm going to reherse for the wedding at the other friend's house and have dinner with them. I will be making a side trip through town for errands. I won't get home until late.

Tomorrow I have friends that need to be at appointments at ten in the for crying out loud, morning and then people that need to get to the food pantry and I'm their wheels.

That gets me to Tuesday bible study - now I could blow it off but it's important to mom and she is bringing a new lady to us this week...

okay WEDNESDAY I can go anywhere I want - I think. But I told someone I'd give them a hand Thursday or I'm hosting a jam session or something...

I don't believe in tomorrow, but I seem to plan for it anyway....

I have had a rough week and I'm blowing it out here. So leave now if you don't remember me from before the death of my mate.

With each of the men I have tried to build a relationship with there has been an issue I can't seem to do anything about. My last friend had no problem with it. Then it happened.

I woke up to an empty bed where someone was supposed to be.

Now that may not seem like much of a problem. For me, it has become a panic situation. I didn't know that until now even though I had it happen before and once it threw me into full blown, climb in the shower and turn on the cold water hysterics....I didn't catch the "key" that put me there until this time.

I don't know how to explain knowing that "no one is there" feeling I get. In each case I woke and KNEW that my companion was "gone"; not where they should be.

I woke up, felt the "gone", cried, "Oh, no!" out loud. Called a name. Got up and ran to look for them in the bathroom, the kitchen.....repeated my cry. Opened a door and found them sleeping in the other room...felt relief that they were not dead (and this surprised me so much I just stood there for a moment. I did not know that I was seeing gone=dead until that moment).

I asked why they changed sleeping places.

"I couldn't sleep. You were snoring."

I closed the door and came apart. Not hysterics, but helpless sobs of despair. I dressed and left, still crying.

I can't stand waking up to that "no one is there" feeling. It's very bad.

I hate sleeping alone.

I totally hate that I am driving a companion from my bed.

I have tried strips, pills, sprays, and anything else I could find with my last companion. Nothing worked. But I have had no problem with it for months now.

To avoid that panic when I wake up, I have to go to bed alone.

I think the reason I was so messed up the last time this happened is that I think I have to go to bed alone forever....and, oh, my sad heart.

I won't risk the freak out again.

But I'm so lonely. And I am so sad.

When I have a man in my life I can love then all is well in my world. That relationship makes all the difference to me. I'm in balance with the planet. I have a place to stand that is mine to fill and I do it with all my heart.

When I am alone, with no love in my life, then the grief returns. I KNOW that man would still be beside me - he always was. Then I miss him and his love and the love I have just failed at. A double dose of sadness.

My heart still loves. I want to live with love in my days.

I don't see how it will ever happen.

I have the music, the writing, the web sites...I have a home and food and wheels. I'm very blessed. I can see it.

But I have no hope anymore of finding a partner here to be with everyday...and all night long. No touch, no holding, no hugs, no kisses....

I'm here. I'm okay and functioning.

But as soon as I can clear the calendar I am making a "fall run". I'm grabbing the computer, camera, guitar and a change of clothes and booking for nowhere for awhile. It will only be a few days but I expect it to give me some perspective again.

This feels like a death. I know it's just an adjustment to life. Changes happen. I can change. I can change. I have changed.

So to all the lonely people I have to say, I know how you feel....but I wish I didn't.

Comments: 5 Comments:
At 14/10/09 9:54 AM, Blogger Anvilcloud said...

Oh my, if Cuppa panicked when I left the bed, they'd have to put her away because I am forever roaming. :)

Beyond that, I have to ask if you're trying too hard, hanging on too tightly? Just asking. That's all.

 
At 14/10/09 11:01 AM, Blogger Valerie - Still Riding Forward said...

I think it's because mate was not there that day and since I have been freaky about the empty spot...

I just need to know they are getting up and out.

Now that I think of it, mate always told me when he was leaving, too. Kiss goodbye even if I was asleep he woke me for that.

And ya, it could be when you have something good you hang on a little tighter when you have lost it once.

Thank friend, for the thoughts!

 
At 23/10/09 4:47 PM, Blogger ICE said...

I remember your "snoring" problem.. You need to do something about that if it's driving your maybe man out of bed! C'mon woman.. think about it..

You and Grey were *used* to each other.. became acustomed to each others snores and roars, etc.. It's not so easy now.

Sleep apnea maybe???? I dunno.. just go for a DR visit and ask some questions! :)

luv ya!
ICE

 
At 23/10/09 7:09 PM, Blogger Fred said...

Glad you're still here and functioning. Sadly, I haven't been. Still can't seem to get motivated to blog much...

 
At 24/10/09 10:53 AM, Blogger Valerie - Still Riding Forward said...

Ice - been there, doesn't work that way...it's not a consistent problem, it's a "when my allergies or a cold hits" problem..

Fred, I've missed you. It's okay you aren't here often, but stay in touch some...Even just an "I'm not dead yet" note is a smile.

 

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