Whistle while you work

-Insert appropriate whistle here -

Yup, it's a cold. Yup, I feel puley (rhymes with dooley). I went to work anyway. I was wishing for a hot cuppa tea and a binky by the TV on my way home. But the sis was already at my house hanging wallpaper from where I left off Monday night. I had gotten almost halfway before I had to crash. Whoops....rewind.

I took Monday off as I wasn't sure how the day would go for me, being our anniversary. It was bleak. That's a good word for it. Except Best Girl had me ripping down wallpaper Sunday and on Monday I had my Sis and the mom coming over to start hanging. Mom was strictly for her entertainment and support, aka stupidvisor. Sis was for extra hands, I thought. Turns out it was for her unflagging energy and goal oriented attitude. Seems Mom was for the donuts (requested one, got a whole BOX of rolls) and the sloppy joes.

I started out at the door in the morning. I washed and scrubbed and goo gone-ed the melted sealer someone had used on the glass. I had picked up a cleaner at the going out of business hardware store and decided to try it on the windows. It really worked. I got the picture window on the east and then people started to get there.

We got mom unloaded and started cutting and hanging. Mom sat in my dusty and only one left living room chair and kibitzed. Best Girl and Grand1 showed up part way through all this. I sent him for my hired help that hadn't showed up. She got there and I remembered I told her not to come! I had wanted to be alone. Well, I wasn't. Mom, Sis, Best Girl, Grand1 and Hired Girl all pitched in and I directed over my shoulder while sis and I hung.

They hauled. Best Girl packed. Stuff was going home with them, like tents and sleeping bags and knickknacks and such. More was leaving any way I could get it out. I decided to not worry about giving away the couch. It was pretty ragged anyway. I had Grand1 and Hired Girl haul it to the dog shed. The dogs were the only ones using it most of the time anyway. Grand1 took a cabinet from the shed out to the burn pile to make room and they did it. I was impressed.

Then he took out my trash to burn, (put a bag in without being told), moved this, took that there and all without a single whine. He continued to be useful by locating the tent, sleeping bags and roller blades for the next day's load. Best Girl was done packing and hanging with us by then. We got about a wall and a piece done before they had to go, not bad for three hours work. With the couch out there was a lot more room to work, too. Hired Girl started dry scrubbing the barnwood and we hung more.

We got about a wall and a piece done before Mom and sis had to go, not bad for three hours work. I piddled along at it until midnight and got a long wall with a big window in it done by myself. I puked out at the front door after fighting to fit around the door top, a light switch and the round wire grommet for the antenna - all in one piece of wallpaper. I called it a night.

I had been too busy to cry and that was the plan. I was too tired to move and slept well.

Now, back at the beginning - Sis went over before I got out of work Tuesday and got the other side of the door and the endwall done before I ever got home. Yes, Tuesday night is bible study. So Mom showed up again. And our new visitor Shyshe. And Best Girl and Grand1. Sis brought bean soup and homemade bread. But we were cutting paper off the kitchen counter with a board clamped to it for extra length. The table was buried in tools and cleaners and such.

The phone rings and it's a pair of friends with a fading cell phone warning that they are going to stop in. Right.

The front door opens into the north east corner of the living room's long wall. The living room is a long rectangle. The orange brick tile 'landing' in front of the door leads to the ten year old, now totally ruined by life and the last two days work used to be light brown carpet. There is real barnwood wainscoating (inch thick boards) with barnwood trim on the doors and windows. The remenants of 14 layers of wall paper remain on the walls in an assortment of patterns, from birch trees to teal stripes. One desk chair, a tall, narrow wood bookcase, one treadle sewing machine covered with odds and ends, one living room chair, and a piano bench with two lamps, all shoved any which out of the way, and all covered with heavy dust from the peeling and scrubbing of the wood, clutter the center of the room. A haze of wood dust hangs in the air and you can see it well because of the two large windows heartlessly letting the setting sun beams drift over and highlight the whole mess. The golden glow reflects off the knotty pine, tongue and groove ceiling.

Add seven people, scrubbing, hanging, clearing tables, finding utensils and heating food then tell me again that two of my friends I haven't seen in six months are coming over. I thought I would throw up. Then I flung up my hands and went back to wandering around aimlessly trying to find things we just had a minute ago.

Obviously, I lived through it. The friends came and thought I was moving. Ha! I said "If I was moving someone else would be doing all this!" They did only stay long enough to be introduced around and let the sun get behind the trees, they were headed west for dinner on the bike. It was a nice night for a ride. I wished I was, then remembered I'd be third wheel and went back to hanging with the Sis.

With all the wonderful help, Shyshe helped set up the meal and cleaned up the dishes, the kids brought extra chairs, the Sis cut the bread, I grabbed bowls and spoons, Mom swiped the dust off the table, we got fed and back at it. The kids and Best Girl left with another load of stuff. Mom started clammoring for study time before Shyshe had to leave and Sis was most of the way down the last long wall and didn't want to stop. But we did. We all needed the break and we had interesting discussions, too.

About eight thirty Mom and Shyshe left. Sis went over the top of the entryway to the dining area and got back to the last corner. I thought she'd leave but then she started pounding nails back through the trim boards wanting to get it all back up! I finally just told her that between the cold, the twice I had messed up the same knee on the step stool and working all day that I had to call it quits. It was just more than I could deal with. I think it was about ten when she went on her way and I sat down to a quiet house.

I can't keep up. I hate it. I just don't have the stamina to go 24/7 on a project like I used to. I keep forgetting to keep my eyes on the job at hand and start looking at what I still have to do and get tired thinking about it. I whine. I pout. I complain. And I keep moving but so much more slowly than I used to that I feel like a turtle where I used to be a pacer. I could trot all day. I never got up to lightening speed but I never stopped. Now I have to and I hates it.

But it's getting done. I tidyed up the kitchen and ran a load of wash so I would have clothes for work then made the coffee, let the dogs in and the cats and fussed over getting Buck tucked into a blanket for the night. He was shivering again even though it wasn't cold, really.

Then I rewarded myself with a dish of ice cream, read my book while I waited for the cold medicine to kick in and went to bed. I have been sleeping propped way up on pillows because of my cold. I rested fairly well, I thought.

When I got up this morning though my brain must have still been in neutral. I started doing something at the sink that involved running water, went out to fill the dog buckets and came back in to find the kitchen in need of a mopping. I tossed a throw rug in the small pond, turned off the water, took a sip of my coffee and realized I had to leave for work. I left without looking back. I should have stayed home.

At work my first call was from a customer on the east coast who got his hot order in a very timely fashion early last week. When they opened it today it was the wrong color. I spent the morning looking for powder coaters in his area or figuring out what it would cost to ship seven hundred pounds of steel overnight tomorrow. While we got lucky it is still going to cost us money and the boss hates that. The error was not mine, thank goodness, but he is going to be so cranky tomorrow that I don't want to be here. Time spent on that was not spent on sales, either.

And the sis is probably at the house banging boards back on the wall and sweeping up the mess. Bless her heart. I have to keep right on going now. I need the dining room wall paper stripped before the new carpet comes and the wood in there scrubbed, the painting done and such...wow.

It sounds like such fun to say "I am getting new floor coverings and furniture." I remember now why we don't do this often.

Bored? Lonely? Come on over.

When autumn leaves start to fall.

Like I told Fred in the comments yesteday, fall is the time notherners start getting the nesting urge to make their homes snug and cozy for winter. We know we will be more limited in our travel, sometimes even homebound for days, and we know the cost of heating is going to be high again this year so we are getting the storm windows out, covering the gaps at the bottom of our doors, tossing out the old stuff we have worn out and putting in new to keep us emotionally satisfied with our space and just in general tidying up so we can relax.

Entertaining drops off for bonfires and music fests but now we have card and board game parties and the holidays to prepare for.

I spent Satuday alone, sorting paperwork, emptying dresser drawers and such. Buck is still not eating right so I made up some of Grama S.'s homemade food for him. Still barely ate any. I got him to take some milk though. Timone continues to improve.

Sunday I spent with Best Girl, she was just coming to pick up some more stuff I am getting rid of and take it out for me. Then she really screwed up. We were talking about the next steps in getting ready for flooring and she says, "I'll bet this wall paper comes off really easy."

She then proceeded to demonstrate and we spent the rest of the day, over the background of the Lions game and then the next, pulling and scraping off the wallpaper. What a furking mess! It's all over everything. And I either really irritated my throat and sinuses with the dust we made or I have managed to catch cold a month early this year. I have a very sore throat and stuffed head this morning.

I really love the song I have been quoting the last couple weeks. The reason I didn't end it with yesterday's post is because inspite of losing my mate, life continues to draw me forward through the changes I have to make to be comfortable and try to be happy again here on the planet.

So I have given in to the winter nesting urge and we are now yanking the place apart as fast as we can. I had one family over for endtables and the recliner yesterday, they are coming back for the entertainment center and probably the pool table eventually. I still have the couch to get out of here and am flip flopping on the one side chair. It's really comfortable but needs cleaned and/or recovered to go with the new stuff. That just made up my mind. It goes. I have enough I am keeping or have coming new. I don't need it.

Be sad, grieve, let your hurt out - but "endevor to presevere". You can't live in the past forever. You have to keep changing and growing to stay alive. Hating the changes is even ok. But anything that isn't changing is dead. I'm not dead yet. I will hang on as best I can to the love here and make a new life for myself.

There, that's my cheerleader post. Now I'm am off to cry my eyes out because I miss my mate.

But I miss you most of all, my darling

It's my first anniversary without the man I married my soul to. I am writing this on Saturday as I don't think I will be able to today.

I would have to be able to remember in detail every day I ever spent with him to count all the wonderful things he did for me. My memory leaks like a rusty water pipe. I remember his fits, his temper, his jealousy, his pouts, his heavy sigh when I would be silly or when he felt put upon and fighting over stupid things or for no reason other than one of us had a bad day. I remember his wrench flying across the garage when he was having trouble with a bike and the way he would holler at the dogs when they disobeyed him. I remember how he would ask for a certain soup when he was sick and make a chili that only the brave and strong could eat. I remember his pain when there were problems with the kids and his anger when he couldn't just order it fixed and have it be so anymore.

I was never afraid of him in his worst temper because he would never hurt me, even when I started it. I always went to him first with my joys and pains and problems. I remember how he would get such a grumpy face when something I was using or driving broke, because he had to fix it. We used to joke that I was Timone and he was Pumba because Timone just waltzed through life and Pumba would get smucked in the face following behind him. He wanted us to be like John and Yoko or Sonny and Cher, you couldn't think of one alone, but only as a pair. He told me so, just like that.

Sometimes we would dress alike on pupose but most of the time it was an accident. We just picked the same colors for the day. He always reached for my hand when we crossed a parking lot, to show we were together I think. He couldn't really believe I couldn't cross the street myself. In stores we would often split up to shop faster, he hated crowds. But he always had to fish in the claw machines. I would load up on quarters before we left so he had lots.

I remember the last night together we laid in bed and I held him in my arms with his head on my shoulder while we nuzzled and hugged each other. "I love laying here with you like this", he said. "I know, me, too", I answered him sleepily. "I have to roll over, my back hurts." he told me. So we kissed, I called, "sweet dreams", we echoed "I love you" together and we slept. We slept in true love with each other one more night.

He really was not always perfect but he was perfect for me. Today I remember......

The day was perfect. In September, and the last week almost, we could have had anything from tornados to blizzards. A blue sky dotted with little lamb clouds holding the sun up had the temperature at 75 degrees with almost no humidity. We were up that morning and running - coffee, showers, last minute set up, pick a boquet and wrap it, shower again, greet early guests, direct chair set up, change clothes, greet the preacher, break the spagetti strap on my sister's dress, ACK!, pin it, quick! Breathe, relax, breathe. He went out and I waited.

Saturday I may have been, for a short time, in the ultimate heaven (7th). For those of you with alternate beliefs, my essence may have been escalated beyond the normally recognized boundaries of the current, chronological limits of space/time and existed, temporarily, on the ninth body of very fine water droplets or ice particles suspended in the atmosphere of an alternate reality.

I felt a hand touch me just above my lower ribs and it PUSHED me for all of about 1 second.
I knew what it was. The mate had ridden close to me and given me a little shove.

He could see I was failing fast and he knows about my different attitude problems. He didn't want me to quit and feel like I failed. He knew I wasn't going to stand up and he knew I was about to give up. He completely understood where my head was but knew I needed a little extra oomph to get where I wanted to go, so he gave me a little boost, even though he was lagging, too.

My heart totally grokked this all in about a split second and made my eyes tear up while my chest inflated with air as I sucked as hard as I could to keep breathing through the shock.

Things were going pretty good but I was out of water. This is bad. I carry a jug with me everywhere, 32 oz. and it was bone dry.

As we came up on the library I spotted the mate up on the steps. I smiled and waved at him. He held up a bottle of water, pointed at it and then at me. I nodded vigorusly and he trotted out, switched the nice, full, cold one for my hot, empty jug and I told him I loved him as he smiled and went back to the steps.

What a MAN! He hates crowds and doing anything to call attention to himself. I didn't even plan on him being there and he was not just there but thinking of me still and again and always. I am so blessed!

The nephew, Cboy2, had been close to the end of the parade and took his car to take his Dad to the truck. They seemed to be gone quite a while but when he came back to collect his wife and child he had 3 cold bottles of water to hand us.

I said, "You may turn out to be as good a man as your Uncle!" and he said, "I'm taking notes, he sent the water." I smiled. Bless that mate. He knew I would be sucking it down in the heat! He's so good he makes other men look bad even when he's NOT there, LOL!!

Bee had orders to fetch me back in the car, NOT to let me walk across town so we loaded up and rolled. As we came around the corner I saw the mate's bike parked near mine and the mate lazing in the shade, sitting on the top of a picnic table. My heart hurt and pounded. How did I ever get to have such a good friend as the Mate? I sure didn't earn it in my youth! He makes me smile every time I see him coming! The 25th will be 17 years married, 19 and a half years together for us and we still beat feet for home everyday. It's our place to be ourselves and we like each other and doing things our way.

When Jewel got bombed in Iraq, he was by her side when she landed. When Mom needed to take her motor home to FL. He trailered the bike and co drove her. He rode back one of the most beautiful roads he had ever seen. We were going to go do it again this summer. He helped his sis get moved and she was one state over, did a rode trip with his brother, spent time with his kids, with my kids, with our friends and kept the house up and me feeling like pure bliss most of the time with our love.

So we had a quiet day. Wrapped up in our love for each other. I wish you all the joy of a comparable day at least once in your lives. Our 17th anniversary

Today was the last day I had the privlege and joy of being married to a man who loved strongly and well, knew the meaning of honor, was patriotic enough to spend eight years defending his country, loved his children, his step children, his grand children, his dog, his cat, his motorcycle and family and friends but still had enough love to give me that my life was completely transformed.

All I really wanted to say is that you have all the time from now until you die to be happy.

Don't waste it. Don't FORGET to say thank you, I love you, and throw in a hug to show you mean it and even a real kiss, not the fast kind you get used to throwing because you are in a hurry. Love NOW.

Old winter's song

Work has been annoying. I guess that's true of whatever we do to make money that doesn't add to our level of happiness. But the boss is going to be just one time too pushy for me and I will walk on him. I have only done that twice in almost nine years but it always costs him to get me back, and he hates that.

My girl was over Thursday night and we talked a little more about her friend while she sanded a display table of my dad's and I made dinner. I asked her about photos but she says she lost what she had in a hard drive crash. Her friend's family is too torn up to ask for photos yet. Well, that let out my best idea so far. I was going to get her the stuff for a scrap book. I thought that would let her go through her treasures and memories and give her a safe place to tuck them away and put them on a shelf to look at when she needed them.

I like gifts with some thought in them. After the fire the little rose shaped, rose scented soap I got in my personal care bag from the Red Cross was my treasure. Everything on the property stunk so of burned house and I got that smell on me working clean up. I had nothing but that little rose soap to make me feel "pretty" again. I smelled good. I felt better.

The mate, bless his pointy head, for his first birthday gift to me gave me a musical jewelry box and a set of metric sockets for my motorcycle. It was perfect. It let me know he wanted to encourage me to get better at taking care of my bike and that he saw me as a woman still.

My probably best ever gift to him was a candle castle I made in a gallon bucket and then hand carved. I molded a couple pringles cans and let them set, poured two inches of wax in the bucket, put the towers in the bucket on each side and pour four more inchs of wax. Then I carved windows, rocks for the base, the top of the walls, and brick patterns all over the walls. I left the moat smooth. I made a wooden box and put spare wicks, a long, steel rod thin enough to make a wick hole, a pair of tiny sissors, a big toothpick, a nut pick, a cheap scalpel, a pack of matches and a small rag. I called it a "Candle Destructo Kit".

He used to sit in his chair at night and "destruct" a burning candle with his pocket knife and whatever he had to hand while he watched tv. It took him a long time to turn the castle into a flat hunk of remelt me wax, even with all the neat tools he had to work with then.

The sis gave us a box with a sewing kit, sissors, thread, measuring tape and the rest, tossed in a cribbage board and a deck of cards and some dice. She gave us all a gift we could really use after the fire. All the kind donations of clothes and no way to fit them, ya know. And a game of cards or dice is a way to pass the time in a small space with four people.

The box of cards and envelopes with a pack of stamps was great, too, that someone sent me. I could write my thank you notes and even had stamps to send them; Thoughtful, literally.

My gift to me is getting the house done over. I have spent almost every penny my windfall brought me. I can't believe how quickly I can spend money for a woman that hates to shop! I have a brand new queen mattress coming, I have the base and box springs, I got a new full bed a couple months ago but it feels too small after years of a king size bed so that is going upstairs to replace the spare bed there, leaving me with one full mattress to find a home for.

I have all new coming for the living room. I have never bought real new furniture in my life and I'm running out of time so I went for it. There is a window getting swapped out in the dining room and one getting finished off in the kitchen, the ceiling on the porch being fixed up, the plumbing, including one area of floor being replace and one shelf in the kitchen being rebuilt.

Except for the kitchen and dining area the place is getting new vinyl floor and carpet in the living room. I have the paint and wall paper to do it all the way through downstairs and to lose the carpet upstairs and paint the floors. It really will be almost all new. The bedding and curtains for my bed room are in the closet. The window toppers I may use are on the back porch. I need to clean a rug I am keeping to use in my bedroom but lots of it is going to be fresh, to suit just me.

It is such a lot of blessings and such a lot of work. I have barely scratched the surface and I guess I am getting discouraged. I pack and haul and give away and there is STILL more stuff! And you never know if all your ideas are going to work until you get them put together. So I took a break this afternoon to blog a little and let my brain rest. I think it's list time. I better get after it.

I want it all done before the winter gets serious here. I have leaned so much on the family that I hate to ask for more help but the place has me out numbered. Which was the problem in the firest place. Too much house and not enough bodies to keep it up. I have to move on it and get off here PDQ!

I went home last night, very reluctantly, but I had to care for the animals. Now Buck isn't eating. I tried all the different dog treats in the house and he just looked at me. I finally got him to eat some beef. Timone is doing better, I think but I don't know what Buck's problem is. I went to town to get them some flea off stuff. It's supposed to last three months but only made it about six weeks. It's hard to treat the chow/lab with her heavy double coat.

While I was in town I decided to get dinner. A friend's band was up on sign at the bar with good food so I decided to stay. He had just lost his mom this week and I couldn't make the funeral. I had a decent dinner and drank coffee. When the band started showing up I chatted with my friend, the Rocker. His bunch does a genre of music I am not familiar with but they do it well.

We have a mutual friend in KMA so I called her on his cell and got her to join us. I bought us one round of drinks and then went back to my coffee and water. I tip well so the waitress is not stressed by it. KMA had lost a friend this week and her ex, that she was still friends with, a month or so ago. We were doing our best to help each other go on with living. Rocker's wife and his youngest boy with his girl friend joined us. KMA and I shot some pool. I even won two games during the evening, fair and square although all the player I was up against were better than me.

I was headed for the other bar before going home to get some country music and KMA joined me. We made our polites and went out into the now calm, but drippy night.

The band there did one song and took a break so we shot some more pool. The gutiar playing computer guy didn't speak to me. I guess there is nothing going to happen in that direction. We still had a pretty good time compared to sitting home whining our faces off in sadness. I got home about two thirty and went to bed after giving the dogs a treat to make Buck eat a little more and letting them out and in again.

I slept late today, I needed it. Now we are all caught up and I am off to continue taking stuff out of here. Ya'll have a good weekend!

and soon I'll hear

Listening. Listen. I don't do enough of it. I'm still working on it. When you do listen you can learn a lot about someone. Hearing what they don't say is harder but I am actually better at that sometimes than at regular listening.

I was trying to think up something to get my girl for a sort of sympathy gift. I didn't want a card, there are few good ones out there and I was too tender to try and make one. They just get thrown away anyhow so I tend to avoid them. I wanted something that would maybe really help her feel better over the days ahead. For me, the best thing I can do is keep busy. I figure it's not bad for anyone as a distraction. I wanted something cheering.

That got me thinking about presents. But I so have to hurry today you are going to have to wait for the rest of this, I am just ramming at work and I need to get home to the cat and see how he is doing, I think he is....but I just ran out of time to write.

The days grew long

I was rushing last night to get home, clear the table, pull the stuff for the mom, move another box to the back porch, hit the high spots with the mop and get the junk off my chair so I would have a place to sit before the bible study group got there.

I ended up cramming in treating a wound on my old cat in the middle of all that. I had noticed a swelling on his face the night before but he was still eating and didn't seem to be in pain so I had just fed him and let it go. It burst when we all came in after work, I guess, there was a trail of drops of blood all over the place I found when I mopped.

Timone has been losing weight since I got back from San Diego. He has gone from "OMG! what a hugh CAT!" to a bony feeling "poor kitty". He eats, doesn't have worms, but I think it's not good and I will have to run him to the vet. I cleaned the draining area with peroxide, sopped up and mopped up and let him lose again. The sis helped me do it again later in the evening and he was just annoyed that I was getting his chin hair wet. He is eleven years old and has been King of Cats here since we moved in and he whipped the big black tom that used to run things.

Buck was a little under the weather last night, too. He had the shivers. He gets them sometimes for no apparent reason but I worry. I know he and Timone will be with the mate before I am but I hate sending them even though I feel out numbered by the pets right now. They don't get enough attention unless I import a kid to hang out with them. The grands are getting lives and don't have the time they used to.

Sis brought dinner. She and I are going to split the dinners, so it's my turn next week. We cut the mom out of the loop because hauling stuff is getting difficult for her to handle. I could hardly lift the chili pot she dragged over last week! Spagetti was nice and warming in the chill, damp evening. Our visitor made it again this week and we got all caught up with her.

I guess I should mention the cousin went back to college down in Florida. She won't be back for a while. Mom misses her and we miss watching her metamorph into a real woman instead of the shy girl she was when she began hanging out with us.

We had a productive session. Mom had some concerns and I had the Hired Girl to ask for prayer for, Sis is doing ok but for the one boy that had his wife leave him. She is newly diagnosed bi-polar and we think she cut her meds out. She is not the self we knew and loved.

They left and I jumped online to get caught up with the mail. The window guy sent the estimate and it's more than I planned but will be done right. Once the windows are up I can haul the plumber back and get him going again. THEN we commence with the plaster repairs, wallpaper removal and heavy cleaning. If I have the place emptied out by then....LOL. what a furkin mess!

I arranged to have next Monday off so I will have some extra time to mutilate and spindle the place. I need to get the yard mowed one last time before winter, too, and pick up a small snow blower.

We hates winter, yes we does, precious!

When you went away

You just get kicked in the teeth sometimes. Rambling along, minding your own business, not bothering nobody and
WHAM
you're trying to scramble around and find a way to function.

I can handle my pain. I cry, scream, bang my head on the wall, stare into the distance and pray, rant, stomp my feet, whatever it takes to get it out so I can go on doing what I need to do. What I have never learned to do very well is handle someone else's pain. They don't teach it in school.

Most of my good days end with the words, "and then they (he, she) headed home". At that point my life resumes it's lonely path and it's more empty for the cheering accent of the temporary companionship. I actually enjoy a large amount of solitude and have learned to try and appreciate that I can work on a project without the guilt of ignoring the mate or my friends and family as I often did when I am engrossed. I am getting by ok, I am getting used to being alone even though I don't want it to become a way of life forever, it's ok. My family and friends keep me going and the animals keep me moving every day.

Enter the girl I call the hired help. I like her. She is a vivid, bold, "up" personality. About 16, probably five foot eight or nine and never going to be a "little woman". She recently cut her thick, long black hair but it's headed back for her waist again already. She has a beautiful smile and a lovely face. She has been seriously exercising, losing weight well and, from an inspired comment I hollered at her one day as she walked by singing, she joined the chorus at school and is second saprano, with a range I frankly envy. The music has given her more self confidence from finding something she is good at, more social skills, and something to aim at in the future.
She lives a block over from me, has a nasty little brother, a dog and a mom there, a dad in a near by Big F-ing city not far away.

She had a boyfriend until this weekend, he broke up with her. She had a best girl friend that she had known since "forever", her very best girl friend, until Saturday night. She didn't break up with her, she called my girl to talk to her and, after she got off the phone, killed herself.

My girl was working along with me last night, acting all glad to be over her flu and back with me, we had mostly finished up last night's projects and were just filling the last box she would take out for me when she just up and says, "I used to have a best friend. She called me to talk. Her boyfriend was in a car accident and not expected to make it. She killed herself."

Teeth all over the floor. Surprisingly, for me, I kept my mouth shut over all the usual bull we answer to a statement like that to give it some thought. I knew what it was like to lose your best friend, and words don't help much. I also had a friend that suicided and I had been haunted by the fact that if I had stopped two days earlier I might have helped her instead of walking into her funeral dinner. Instead of stating anything I asked some questions.

My poor girl, she had spent most of the weekend laying in her room thinking and crying alone. Now she was waiting for the memorial information, there would be no real funeral for her friend. The family was too torn up to deal with her pain, too, so she didn't feel like she could go be with them yet. It's her weekend to be at her dad's and he would drive her to it. I told her if he would not to call me for a ride.

Then I tried to tell her a little about what I had digested from my experiences. How we have a life to live and that others depend on us for emotional support and more. That our friends didn't kill themselves to hurt us but to stop the pain they were living with that they felt was too much for them to deal with forever. I told her I know the mate wanted me to be happy, he did things everyday to help me smile, but I was still sad to be without him even this long later. We have to try and move forward through the saddness and find our next happiness.

It was probably wasted breath as her pain was so new and so big and so "too MUCH" that words won't help. But the tears rolling down our cheeks showed us both that we cared and that we understood in our hearts what the other was dealing with. We pasted our faces back on and she took the last box out before leaving for home. I walked her to the door.

I remember so well the pain I felt when I found out my boyfriend had "cheated" on me in high school. I remember the depths of despair that the loss of a friend created in me. You don't have the experience to know how to handle it. You just hurt and cry and write terrible, black poetry, and brood in your room. And brood. Your friend is out of here, you could be with her....

She lost her best friend and her boyfriend in the same weekend. She's just 16. God, I hurt. Will you pray for her sad heart to heal, please. I don't want to lose her too.

Those sunburnt hands I used to hold

Friday I got out of work early to have my bi weekly race to the bank. I stopped at a yard sale and tricked myself into a used movie and a plastic fountain with a girl holding an umbrella, loaded them up and headed for town.

I ran into an old friend at the bank. We arranged for me to catch up with him and his family later for dinner. While I was visiting with them I got to look at a unique custom Gibson four string guitar. It was a beauty! It tunes like a mandolin but is a full sized body. Ay gave me a planter of Rosemary to take home, too. I used to have some I grew from seed. I had turned her on to it back then and she said she always thought of me when she whiffed it.

So Gee and Ay and their girl Tee all joined me checking out the new eatery in Little Town that was an older place reopened under new management. They had a patio available and we got there just in time to see the cops writing a ticket for a poor old man that had backed into one corner of the railing around it. Three ladies who had the table RIGHT in that corner escaped injury and were making light of the incident. Gee and Ay knew them and Tee knew a couple ladies from her school at the next table so we were having a good old time before we were even waited on.

The service was good, the company fun, the food good but a little high for the area. They will be having live music, accoustic, and adding wireless access soon so it looks to me like they will prosper. We enjoyed ourselves. Gee and Tee left for a football game, it was homecoming weekend. Ay decided to follow me home and I showed her through the mess what I am trying to get done on the house. We had a really good visit. She left to get home just ahead of the rest of them, around ten.

Reb and Rusty were coming over Saturday night so I was trying to get most of the mess I had created moved out on the insidious back porch. I had started out trying to pull the books I was getting rid of and realized it was easier to pull the few I was keeping, DUH! I narrowed seven five feet long shelves down to one twenty four inch shelf of books. I then had done the same with the CD's, VCR's, DVD's and had one shelf left for photo albums. No one who knows me would ever expect to see me owing just ONE book shelf! And to have only one shelf of books on it will blow their minds.

But I'm going hard core. Everytime I grab at something to keep I ask myself why. Some things even I have to hang on to for emotional reasons. Some I realize it's just a form of greed and put back in the OUT piles. A few things I think will go with the new look in the living room or bedroom so they get reprieves. Most of it is getting boxed up and shipped off. I don't need it.

I even went through the junk drawers from the living room and the pantry and used cigar boxes to sort it all out. When I got down to the layer of loose nails and screws, paper twists and rubber bands I dumped them in the trash. Wow! Organized junk drawers, what a concept (Grama S!). I won't even know the place when I am done.

I guess that is the point. I hate feeling like I am erasing the mate from the house but I can't look at the places he sat, the things that were his, the mugs he drank from, the photos, and all the rest everyday and still move into the future. I want to stay in the past. I can't. If it was possible I would. Build me a time machine and I'm gone! It's not going to happen and to move forward I have to cut my ties to the constant heartbreak of his absence. If I tossed everything we ever had together I would still never be rid of our love. But maybe I can get things around to where I can stand to be in the house without him. Maybe I can cut down on the pain and grief cues that his things flag at me, tearing at my heart with every glance. I have to make my best guess.

It's all a mess. But I got most of it condensed to the point where we would be able to visit comfortably. I finished up an hour or so before they got there. Reb, poor thing, was fighting a headache. I had cued up the movie I bought while I was waiting. I got us all some tea and we sat to watch it. The movie was "Legend". It was ok for a fantasy flick. I had gotten stuff for smores but they didn't feel like doing a fire so we just munched 'em cold. Reb got feeling a little better by the end of that movie.

Earlier that day I had found one of our old favorites and they hadn't seen it before so I threw that in. If you are a biker and want a good humor movie and you can stand a little raunch, some nudity and lots of cussing, "Master's of Menace" is just the campiest flick I know. It always makes me laugh. It made them laugh, too. On the same tape was another long lost fave, "The Outlaw Jose Wales", the movie that made me a fan of Clint Eastwood. I never can watch the first part so I refilled beverages and such.

So it was a quiet night of visiting and watching movies. I don't think the TV has been on that many hours since the mate died. We all went to bed quite late but I woke on Sunday knowing there were friends there and got up at seven thirty. I had my coffee and made the second pot before Reb joined me around nine with Rusty following a little later. I had picked up rolls to go with the coffee and had pancakes and sausages for breakfast later.

Poor Rusty! I have this little musical piano that despenses cigarettes. Dad had fixed it for me after I got it but it was doing this thing where the music would start ok, then go zzzzip! and play the rest of the way ok. I asked him to look at it for me thinking it would be an easy fix. Two more music box guts and two trips out to drill parts later it was working again. Reb had her headache come on again and went to lay down while we tinkered away with it. It was so much fun to dink around and succeed together, I couldn't thank him enough!

The thing got in the keep pile because I had never seen another like it, it was wooden, appeared to have been well made and older. The criteria for staying is that it must be unique, do more than one thing and make me smile. I want to add more original art to the house. Not a lot, just a few nice pieces. The boxes from 2Tall that I kept will be displayed, a sketch the #1son did is getting framed and put up, the pottery oil lamp in it's bowl will be kept, and family photos are going up in the dining room as we are all "originals", lol! I want it simple and easy to clean, and, most importantly to me, comfortable and relaxing for my friends to hang out in.

We had a good time, even with poor Reb's headaches, and I caught that they had had a bike stolen while we were talking. I ran Rusty back out to the garages and had him try the mate's 21 speed. It was a go. I know that would have pleased the mate. The grands all have bikes, and it was just going to rust away. It's one more thing I don't have to deal with keeping up, storing or moving out of the way. We got that loaded up and they hit the road.

It was early in the day yet but I went in and took a nap. The dogs got me up an hour or so later and I made some soup, fed them, did the laundry and got the coffee on for morning. I checked my ebay auction for the uncle and was disappointed but it's over.

The fountain I bought is probably going right back out the door. It uses up about 2 gallon of water a day outside. I can't take the time to keep filling it. That bummed me a little as it had a really nice sound to it. I'm waiting to hear from Scooter Girl on a mattress they should be coming to get soon. A lady is coming for the desk in the dining room so I have to go home tonight and empty that out. I need to call the plumber and get him on the schedule. We are getting really close to being able to start painting. I only have about thirty more boxes to fill...Ha!

I hope all of you had great weekends, thanks for stopping by.

I see your lips, the summer kisses

Summer, I am still hoping for an extension. These gray days are very hard for me. The rain and gloomy skies bring me down. We won't even talk about kisses. Even though my kids and I have totally excellent communication they still say there is such a thing as TMI. (too much info).

Work was ok yesterday. I annoyed the boss by having to stop at the hardware again and so I was a little late. I want to make it to eighth place in their contest - win a set of walkie talkies. I don't know why, I told Mom I'd have to put one in the garage and one by the computer in the house then run back and forth to have any way to play with them. Sometimes you just get funny ideas stuck in your head. Or maybe it's like bidding on Ebay, you get caught up in it and take it personally and over pay rather than let someone else win.... Any way - you get extra points everytime you stop in and more if you buy something.

When I got home last night I was really hurting. The hired girl didn't show but she may have had something with school going on. I was going to run over and check but the door bell rang. Well, I wish the doorbell had rung, I just put them in a couple weeks ago. Really the dogs went off. It always makes me jump out of my skin because they don't do a warm up growl or anything they just go into full "intruder alert" mode, both of them.

While Best Girl was over the other day I went to our local Freecycle page through Yahoo and found some people looking for what I had to get rid of soon. I sent some emails and got a few replys. The nice lady at the door was here to get the extra vacuume I don't need any more. I had one for up and one for downstairs but I am knocking the carpet down to just the living room so one is more than enough.

I had forgotten all about her and had to run all over to find the machine and all it's parts. Some in the garage, some in the house, darn! Her husband was in uniform, I think air force and they had two kids in the back seat of a van. I was so glad to help them out. When I ran back in to look for the power head I heard the answering machine just finishing up but there was no message. I got them sent off after showing them how it came apart and went together then ran back to check my email. There was a note from a friend saying they would call. So I guessed who's call I had missed and got off line.

I haven't really ranted about cooking for one, but you all know I hate it. It was one of those times when nothing sounded good. I boiled up an ear of corn and was just starting on the second half when the phone rang. It was the friend. Did I want to go for dinner? Oh yeah! They hadn't been here before so I said give me 15 minutes then start and I will meet you on the road to bring you in.

I hung up, crammed the shower, shave, teeth, pits and clean outfit, pick up kitchen, run out the door into exACTly those 15 minutes and flew down the road in the little red truck. Through the country at dusk I raced and saw two different groups of deer, both with beautiful big bucks in them. Bow season is coming. I caught them about 4 miles out, they flew by me and I turned around. We got our ducks in a row and I led them back to my place.

After locking my keys in the truck, getting the other key out of it's hiding place, finding my glasses so I could read a menu and brushing my now wind blown hair back into some semblance of order, then snatching the second set of keys, we left in their car for town.

It was nice to have someone to talk to but what I really enjoyed was NOT driving and still going somewhere. I miss riding in the passenger seat, among all the million other things I miss. We saw some more deer. I mentally added that to the total of deer for the day plus the 4 sand hill cranes, one great blue heron, 2 big and 2 small ducks, one flock of geese going north and a big flock headed south, a raccoon and one hunting cat. Pretty good spotting day.

We had an unremarkable but satisfactory dinner. The conversation was fun, getting caught up and learning new things about my friend, watching the ball game, the food, nothing earth shattering, just chat and chew. When we finished we went back to my place.

Then it got fun. Real conversation, topics from music, muses, spiritual beliefs to life goals. All of this to the background of strumming guitars as we showed each other our songs. It was good. They left about eleven and for a work night it was a great gift to me.

This is intentionally vague because my friend was, what I call, running under the radar. There is a mate involved that has jealousy issues. I don't like being in that situation or putting them in it. There is no reason for those feelings as this friend and I are not even close to lovers, way too many basic life style differences for mating. We are the kind of friends that will always be friends. Even when we have to stay apart to keep our lives right for our partners. I just wish it could all be above board and open.

They gave me the gift of time and companionship and sharing the music and I don't know that I gave them anything in return but my acceptance of them and their self as it is along with my continued love, respect and affection for them as a friend. It was because I had the need for someone to help me get through this mess that they made the decision to come visit, in spite of the risk. I won't get to see them very often and that makes it a double treasure, the memory of the time we had together. It lifted my gloom and they left me with a new song to learn so I have another (like I need it) project to complete.

I went to bed feeling less lonely and sad than I have in days. Then I over slept today. I am thinking I am going to have to cop out and start looking at some happy pills for awhile. The grief has turned into depression and I am prone to being down too far. While most of my life I have just lived through it the price you pay can be too high. I don't want that non functional not going to play kind of attitude right now. I can't just stay home and work when I feel like it and only what I want to work on. Not yet. I sure can't just take to living in my loungers and sleeping all the time to avoid life. There is too much needing done before winter. And the critters have a schedule, too, that I have to keep up with.

All of that has been getting harder to do. I can't get to bed, when I do get there I don't sleep well. When I do get to sleep I can't wake up on time. I'm not hungry and I have only played the guitar twice in the last week. Avoidance of pain, depression, grief...whatever name you put on it I can't let it beat me down. So maybe I need a little help staying on the up side. More friends, less pills, maybe but my life is what it is and my friends don't have time to babysit me, either. Thinking this is the second or third time it has come up so I had better drag myself into doing something about it.

Sometimes you get tired of always doing or trying to do the "right" thing. You just want to throw up your hands and holler 'NO - you can't make me" and open that bottle, or pop that pill or whatever takes you out of the real world for a little while. Staying here, caring what happens to yourself and to those you care about seems like too much work, too much hurt and too much frustration to face. You want to tune out, turn on and drop out of the race. It's a normal reaction to emotional overload. Trying to balance your desire to stop the world and get off with the complications taking a serious break in your life will bring is walking the razor's edge. But it means you still care enough about yourself to look at the negatives and aim at the positives.

I still care enough about me and mine that I am not just shutting down and if it takes a pill to help me stay functional for awhile, I am glad they invented one. I was on Prozac for about six months after we burned out. About nine months into the struggle to get a new home in, find another job, deal with the finances, (no insurance that time, either) and keep the two girls in what they needed, I was having major panic attacks and black thoughts. I called for help, took the pills they gave me, got a job, we got a plan in place to deal with the money problems, things were easier and I quit taking the pills. All better.

I think I am trying to make myself see that it's just another way to survive, it's not a cop out to need help and that it's only for a little while, until I get my life back on some kind of track. The constant change is really hard on me and the lack of companionship tears at me. Why should I think I am some kind of super woman? I know how much I leaned on the rock of my mate to get through life, even if my friends see me as strong and independant, capable and competent. He was the guidance system on my rocket and I am a little out of whack without it.

He doesn't want me unhappy and lonely any more than I want to be that way. I guess I better get it taken care of. Thanks for listening and to my friend, thank you for some truely golden hours. It made a difference in my today.

The falling leaves of red and gold

Mom and I went to get the white truck through the falling rain yesterday. The leaves are starting to turn and clog up my new gutters. I didn't want summer to be over even though I love the fall season, I just feel like I didn't get much summer fun in. No fishing, no swimming except once in the neighbors pool and only a couple long rides that were shortened. It drives like crap and I have to take it in for some more front end work but those guys took so long I am looking for somewhere else to have it worked on.

I got all cranky driving it home, made at Jones for driving it after it broke, mad and the mate for not being here to take it in and have them do it right because he is a man, wondering if I should sell them both and get something all together smaller or just drive them both into the dirt like I usually do but I'm used to having properly running vehicles now and spoiled and they both have their little quirks.....just annoyed at even having to deal with it. Then it needed gas so I got to the house after everyone else was there and waiting. They didn't know where to find the key.

We had a mis-communication on the Bible study. Last week no one brought dinner so we had toast and coffee, this week we all had something different! Chortle. Was nice dinner. Dogs were very happy about leftovers.

The study was good. We got some real insights, I think. One place it says something like if you sin you are the slave of sin and it was pointed out that if you, for instance, stole a candy bar at the store you have to find a place to eat it without being seen, get rid of the evidence and tehn eat your dinner like you are still hungry. So you sneak around, over eat, maybe even get the old belly ache and all because you did something dishonest. Your actions were dictated by the dishonesty. So you were a "slave to the sin"

When you lie you have to remember who you said it to and about what. If you tell a second lie, you have more to remember. Even the words you speak after that have to be considered before you open your mouth so you don't tell the wrong thing to the wrong person. It puts a limit on what you can say to whom. And you did it to yourself! I just wanted to share that. I never thought about it quite in that way before.

I used to have a hissy fit because the mate wouldn't even let me drown one ol' worm without a fishing liscense, ride a mile with out my ID in my pocket, or sit even on private land if I was loaded to hunt without a tag, even if I was just going to watch and "just keep an extra gun handy". Wives used to get to hunt and fish on a mate's tags. I hate having to buy one for me when we only take one deer a year. Same with fish, neither of us wants to clean them and we had to fish for food as kids, why do we both have to get a liscense for the same household? All 6 fish we might catch a year would cost 40 bucks. I buy frozen.

But we never had to hit the bushes when the game warden came around or flinch when the cops pulled us over. We were so legal it was hard to maintain that "biker outlaw" rep he liked so well. We were never haunted by the threat of jail or even just the hassle of showing the ID to cash a check. It was all above board, clean as a whistle. It gave us a "no worries, mate" life. I maintain that now, too. Less stress.

Kids think they can get away with stuff and then learn the hard way that most of the time they can't. If we could explain this to them young they might understand the concept and skip the experience. Maybe. Right actions create less stress, bring rewards, not trouble and let you sleep soundly each night. Wrong actions don't. Worry, fret and problems. Anyway, it's just the way I saw it. I wish I was better at right actions in my youth.

I rode home with mom to get the red truck I had left at her place after we got done. It was still raining and now it was foggy. My head lights are adjusted wrong. I have to take the darn thing back and have it done again. I got cranky all over so I went home and went to bed just to get to the end of the day.

Today has been better.

The falling leaves drift by my window

I had to pass on the bike, darn it. It was gone Monday, anyway, but I called Sunday and said something came up, I couldn't do it. I'm still looking but it may be spring before I get one.

I never got to the music this weekend either. I went to be early Friday night. I think the cooler weather and the rain let me sleep better. Saturday Best Girl and I went out to match curtains and some lamps and end tables to the furniture. I hate shopping, did I mention that before? I flunked eye batting and I flunk shopping even worse. But I think we did ok. I got one more chair, too.

Sunday she was over to help around the house with cleaning, packing and tearing down. The #1son was over to ride the Wing. He did much better this week. Before he was done he took it up the main roads to get gas for it. I was glad for him. By next season he will be ready for his permit and testing for his endorsement. The nephews are all tickled for him, too. They will have three and a half riders now. The niece, Cgirl, will be learning next year.

Monday I went back to the going out of business hardware store and got more paint but matched to the flooring I am getting. It's for the old pantry cupboard and doors in the laundry room/mud room/pantry. The nice lady there helped me out and it looks close enough to me.

The painters I wanted are booked solid. I can try to get someone else or I can do it ourselves or I can have them AFTER all the new is in....eww. Thinking. Even the alternative team is busy right now, darn it. I hate dealing with strangers. This bunch was in-laws to the nephew, Cboy2. I can ask KMA if she knows someone, too, now that I think of it. Yo, KMA? Painters that prep, repair and paint under a million dollars? I hate when plans don't come together.

I am still waiting on a call from the first window guy I picked. The rain last night showed me the gutters over the porch need sealing on the side over the door and the slant increased on the dog house side. I have standing water in that one and got major drips through where the roof overhang is too short for the gutter. And no matter how much I feel I have gotten done there is a ton more to do. I guess I feel out numbered. The stupid house is just bigger than me.

Yesterday the #1son had his car breaking down and called to maybe borrow little red. I called to find out what was up with the white truck. The bill is very reasonable and I blew off one repair they thought should be done until I can get it to my regular guy. But I can pick it up tonight. The son made other arrangements so I have both the vehicles back. I think I will sell one of them, probably little red. It's just one less thing to worry about and while it's been nice to have the back up I can get by with one, like a normal human, easier and cheaper.

The hired girl came over and I learned she doesn't mop. I taught her the basics. She did up dishes, mopped two rooms and the john flooded with clean water, meaning the back has a problem. I think new toilet coming soon. The plumber did recommend one.

I got dinner around and ate. She got done, I paid her and, with her off the clock, we worked on a song with the mic and guitar. We had a riot but she doesn't know how to wing the harmony so I am teaching her the lead and will try to work out the harmony and then teach her that so we can switch off. Man, does she have range, a pretty but untrained voice. Her ear needs work is all. Then she left.

I finished fixing up the site for the customer who had his go down. I started the new pages for my friend in San Diego. I took a short break to put the clean rugs down in the bathroom. I fixed a counter or two and then got tired of working and read blogs and tributes. I could not get sleepy and it was almost two thirty before I got to bed.

I had a strange dream this morning where one of my musician friends introduced me to a man that sent sparks flying so fast that when he closed in on the chair I was seated in, put his hands on the arms and leaned down at me I not only didn't knock him on his ass (because of my claustrophobia and requirement of respect) but put up my face to be kissed. Sparks! The dream went on and I was slaked. The guy meets the kids, the friend warns me that he is fun but not to be trusted and I wake up all confused and sad because I can only go out and play with him, not keep him and I want a partner, not a play toy. Weird especially as I am not a close friend with the man who introduced us.

My days are busy but the mate still haunts me. Cleaning Sunday we found the ring of keys the mate lost last year. He never lost anything. The one time he misplaced his wallet we had to look for hours before it was found but he couldn't stop until it was. It made him nuts that I can not leave my chair and lose something.

When the keys went missing we had torn the place apart looking but had to finally replace them. It got me the keys to all the tool boxes, too, that I didn't have. They were in the bottom of the couch. I heard them hit when we flipped it to get the broom back there and cut a slot to free them. The Best Girl and I both had to work not to tear up.

We had the Lions game on, too, as we cleaned. The bag is still on the dog. They can't seem to find the end zone. We saw one receiver that didn't even turn to watch the ball he was supposed to catch. Idjit. We miss our man still, all of us. I am already trying to make plans to be very busy on our anniversary this month. It's already bothering me and I plan to take the day off. I would normally be racking my brains for a gift or plan for fun for him. Now I just try not to think about it much. Like now.

I think I can have the house done by Thanksgiving at this rate and will have the kids over for a family meal and the game that day as a house warming. Stay tuned and see if I make it or not!

Has anybody here seen my old friend, John? 2,996

The coordinator of 2,996 wrote and asked us to post our memorials if they were ready as the site is being bombarded with hits. I got to read "Every name has been assigned. Now we’re going through the list a second time." MORE than 2,996 Bloggers asked to be included in this memorial effort. Some of them are readers or people I read and I am proud to be working along side them so this horrendous attack will not be forgotten.

The complete list of memorials is here: http://www.dcroe.com/2996/?page_id=2 and I challenge you to read them all. The few I have been to are heartwarming tributes and bring home the reality of the huge loss in talent and love we lost that day. Bless all the families coping with it still.

On September 11th, 2001 Martin John Coughlan, 54, originally from County Tipperary, Ireland, was murdered. He was just one of the 2,996 victims of the coordinated terrorist attacks against the United States. Read my memorial here: http://invisiblewounded.blogspot.com/2006/09/2996-in-memoriy-of-9112001-martin.html

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never forget 2996

From California to the New York islands

Five years ago I would never have known the plane had hit the first tower in Ney York except my mother called me at work and told me. The guys working the floor were listening to it on the radio and were too stunned to tell us in the office.

I went to Mom's and saw the second tower hit, it may have been a replay, but she is only two blocks from work, I think it was live. We were appalled, confused, and didn't know what we could do or should do in the face of such a national emergency.

We cried. We went back to our lives and our families with one eye out for unusual activity in our areas and we watched as the towers came down, the bodies were cleared, the losses counted and the rubble removed.

Five years later and we seem to be no closer to feeling really safe again. I flew out recently for the first time in twenty years. The changes, and I was aware of them from the news and my research before I left, still surprised me.

From showing up with a ticket and getting my luggage scanned then trapsing onto the plane I had to adjust to being body scanned and every bit of metal accounted for. I also had to pack with no tolietries as I was only taking carry on out with me and liquids or gels were not allowed at all, even bottled water you bought in the terminal. Because of the steel hip I had to go through an extra procedure every time I boarded even though I had a signed card from my doctor saying it was a steel hip.

I watched as one boy took an elevator down for supplies for the restruant I at. One man guarded it. When the supply cart and the boy returned he searched them. When we left San Diego there were soldiers in the terminal to supply extra security. In camo. Armed. We were not told why they had been called in. We got nervous.

I can see the new world coming but I don't have to like it.

As I go back to tearing up and preping the house for it's ten year face lift I want to thank all the people who have tried to keep our nation safe. From the bored guard at the elevator in the airport to the soldiers still fighting, unsung, overseas.

I spent a busy weekend with the kids running around with me getting what I need for the house, eating out and in, riding the motorcycle, feeding the animals and treating them, cleaning, doing laundry and moving stuff out of the house.

I never heard an air raid siren, a gun shoot, a bomb go off, or watched my neighbors be executed or blown up.

It's not the best country in the world, maybe, and our leaders and I don't agree on the way it should be cared for, but I am grateful to all the vets, firemen, medical techs, ambulance drivers, military personel, police, sheriff, security guards, and even the government for trying to make it the best and keeping us safe, whether we like it or not.

Ball of confusion

I am so impressed by the memorials I have read to the victims of 9-11. The bloggers have made these people real in a way the newspapers could not. It hurts the mind and the heart to try to multiply the effect the loss of one man in our lives by the loss of 2,996 people must have on the world. It is too much grief and I hope this memorial effort lets the families know we do remember. We will remember.

I had a neighbor girl volunteer to give me a hand a couple hours a night with rippping out the house. She gets money, I get a companion. Fair trade.

Wednesday I stopped by the hardware again. They let me buy all that stuff to paint with and no spackle! In the back room they have a few antiques his wife sold. I ended up talking myself into a little desk. I don't think it's very old but it's kind of cool.

It's about 26" x 16" x 5" deep with a fake drawer front affect and is stained walnut. The legs are classic spindle. The center of the top is hinged underneath. You lift the front and it folds back, the fake drawer front folds down on top of it and a simple board pulls out for your work surface. I think the laptop will drop right in and, when it's not in use, it will be dust covered. The cords will drop out the back neatly to the printer and speakers.

If I put a row of books along the back the top will lay right up against them when I am working.
Or it might go in the dining room and be the phone table with all the pads and books tucked under neatly. Decisions, decisions!

After that I was hungry and trying to avoid the house so I took myself out for dinner. That wasted about an hour. I got home about seven, unloaded the car, fed the animals and then started staring at the house. Geeze I have a lot of junk! It has so got to go! Where stuff has gone there are clean spots on the walls that make me crazy. I still have to pick a wall paper and I am going to make my flooring guy nuts as I am changing my pattern on the linoleum.

With all the carpet going out except that in the living room I need a nice big soft broom and can get rid of one of the vacuumes I own. That will be nice. I am looking for two matching mirrors but in two different shapes for the dining area and the big wall out there will get all the family photos on it, if I can find them, if I can find the frames, if I get time...

With all this going on I have a customer with a website down. I am waiting on an email with the details from the server to see what is going on. I so like the new server better! I am going to move all my people there. I have two pages to build for the inlaid wood boxes site, too. And an update on the horses for sale, and the ponies page...Argggg! And the ebay stuff! With no time to sit if I am going to get the house done by winter...I need four arms, I think.

Thursday I was going home like a good girl and spotted a low rider on the side of the road that was grey with a gray and silver paint job. I u-turned (no, not legal here, but no one was looking) and checked it out. It's been down at least once, needs a back tire, but is a '94 Honda Shadow 600 with under 20,000 miles on it in my price range. Freak out! No one was HOME!

I memorized the number and raced home to meet my helper. When she got there we fed the dogs, did dishes and I started pulling books I don't need to keep, then went after the walls in the kitchen. Shelves of mini stuff came down and she is claiming all that does not have homes. We are going to throw it all in the garage, she will prep and run a yard sale for and 80/20 split. Cool! I don't want to take time for a sale, myself. That works by me.

Finally my phone call got through to the number I had been redialing since I got in the door. I arranged to meet the guy, grabbed my coat and helmet, stomped into my boots, (note get new boots, nails are hurting feet) took my new helper and went back to Little Town to check out the scoot. We made it in good time.

I chatted with the guy, arranged a ride plan, he turned it on, touched the button and it started right up. I took it out and around enough corners and curves to get a feel for it. The controls are different than what I am used to so it was a little clumbsy. I decided the back tire should be replaced, the brakes need pads, the clutch needs adjustment and maybe some work, it slipped a little, it's loud, and the steering stem bearings have a flat spot on them. All regular wear and tear for the milage, but it will cost to fix it. It was a little smaller than I wanted, too. I like a 750cc. But old ladies will only get older. It was easy to push around.

I drove it up to the garage for the night when I got back and told the guy what I thought then fleeced it. If he puts it out all weekend and no one gives him his price for it I will buy it Monday for a good cut in what he is asking for cash. If it is stil there. I think he can get what he is asking if the right person spots the bike. Then I can keep looking. Otherwise it's mine. Bad me!

But I have decided to get off one of the trucks. I am still tossing coins on which but I will probably keep the white one. The Chevy Tracker is worth more to sell. It cuts down my insurance costs, too. That will cover the bike.

We went back home and I dropped her off. When I walked in and all that stuff was off the walls and waiting for boxes it felt all wrong again. I did my net stuff, teased the eldest about the gift I have sent her by chat, wound up and went to bed. I woke at ten minutes to be at work and got there at ten minutes after be at work. Speedy me!

Tonight I will stop to get some stuff in town, boxes and such, groceries, gas, smokes and bird, dog and cat food. The usual. It gets me home late. I am going to change and go find some music I think, after I put it all away. I need some tunes.

I hope you all have a great weekend! Later!

See me, feel me, touch me

Read me.

I was using my RSS feed reader today. It is a program that goes to each site it is linked to and shows you the page content. You can read it in the program or go to the site if you want to read and comment. I wanted to add some more of my favorite blogs when I discovered most of them don't have their Atom or RSS address posted. I could add them anyway but it was a bit of a hassle.

I did have my Atom feed address on the side bar but realized many would not know to right click and copy the short cut to past it into their programs so I modified the template to put the feed address on the footer of each post. Now you can just copy and paste it.

I am using Abilon, a fairly easy to use reader. For those of you that have lots of blogs to follow and little time to read it is a blessing as it automatically will update the feeds when you start the program. You can catch up with every one of your regular blogs without having to go to each site. It can show you just unread posts or posts from the last day, it's not hard to use.

Anyway, the feed address is in the footer for those of you that might use it.

the tracks of my tears

The little red truck is finally making it back to the repair shop for the few things that were undone when I picked it up. That has been a comedy of errors. They came to get it when I wasn't here Friday and missed it again this morning. I was bringing in pizza for the guys in the shop to let them know someone appreciates the good job they have been doing. We have not had one complaint on quality this year. I was getting pizza when they showed to get red.

I got my first call from the guys that have the white truck in the shop. The little voice in my head has made sure I couldn't change my mind on loaning it by keeping it out of service. I was going to loan it to a friend who's car burned up but she just screwed that up by leaving her husband out of the blue and I can't trust her to do any better than that by me, now, darn it.

So the bills on the tow and the repair should come in by tomorrow. I still have money left, bless my pointy little head, so I can pay them. The flooring guy met me last night to measure the house. When he got done, and I recovered from my swoon at the cost, I had to cut the kitchen/dining floor out of the picture to stay in budget. There is ceramic tile down there, anyway, so I guess I just scrub the heck out of it after we paint. I can buy more throw rugs....

I went into a major "I miss you, mate" after he left. So much of what should have been real fun is missing because I don't have him to share it with and I have just partied on down the road and tried to ignore that but it caught me last night. I have tried to cut down on mentions of the continuing grief here to avoid depressing myself even worse but I really have to say it just laid me out. I barely had my face back on when the sis and the mom arrived a half hour late for bible study. It was all I could do to get back under control.

Part of it was because I got to see the mate's best friend finally this weekend. It was only a couple hours. But as soon as he pulled in I was watching for the mate's bike behind him, seeing where the mate would have stood to look at his friend's new bike, saw what team he would have played horse shoes on, where he would have been standing at the fire to talk to his friend while I played my music.... There was just an empty spot everywhere I looked. What made it harder is I know it was the same for the BFF. I was just creating an empty spot where ever I was because he would look to see the mate beside me.

We both did the best we could. I gave him the things I know the mate would have wanted him to have and a gift from me during the end of the evening. We spoke of daily things and, just for a sentence or two before I left, of our hurts. It is still everyday for him, too. His wife was sweet to me all weekend and we had a good visit but I couldn't get alone with her to talk much. We all did the best we could but I can see it will be awhile before he can spend any real time with me. It hurts me to spend time with him but he is one of the few men who's opinion I respect and who's ability I trust for input on my decisions and I miss having him to consult.

It was the most normal I have felt since the mate died, though. Hanging around the fire while we over indulge in mass quantities of food and beverage with the tunes jammin and the kids rammin and the folks gettting all caught up with each other was a taste of a "regular" weekend with our friends. I don't think the words, thank you, expressed how much I appreciated being included to reestablish my friendships with this group without the mate. While I dealt with his absence the whole time, so did they. It was a sharing of the adjustment that lightened my load for a few days and I can't say how much it helped me.

But last night it was just real all over again that the mate is not there to ask about cost, colors, kinds, plans and such. He was so talented and intelligent about those things I really miss him when I am trying to plan ahead. But I got it stuffed back inside.

We had a "catch up" meeting and the North Uncle called in the middle about the wood he has for sale. 720 board feet of cherry and 640 feet of walnut in assorted sizes from two to six feet long and from one inch to an inch and five eighths in thickness. At a steal of a price per board foot. I got those details down and will be making some calls on it today. I want some but I don't have the tools to build what I want to with it.

The sis got us up to speed on Cboy2's house building. The mom got us caught up on her weekend and where her head is at, I let them know if they needed anything to get requests in as I was going through the money like water and it would be gone soon. We had melon the sis brought and it was yummy.

When they left I was so depressed I went to bed early so I could quit thinking. The only problem with that is I think I keep thinking in my sleep. I over slept inspite of the early bedtime and believe I was ranting all night at the mate. I was still tired when the phone woke me and I learned the white truck was being fixed today.

But I keep moving on, one day and, sometimes, one hour at a time. There has been a lot of joy in my life with the good I could do for my family and friends. There was a lot of fun making music and listening to my friend's bands. Life still had good times in it for me. I just have to watch for them and remember to appreciate them when they happpen. It's not always easy, I keep working at it, though because I still believe these two things. "If you can't have fun what's the point of being here?" and "It's all stuff and stuff just burns up."

I am going to get this house thinned down to what I can take care of alone. I am free and clear on everything except the mortgage. I have a good job, except for the lack of benefits and I have talents I can make extra cash on in the future. I still have friends, some of them just need some space right now. I have a great, if a little strange, family and wonderful kids and grands.

When all else fails me I have all of you to talk to and getting it down on 'virtual paper' lets me clear my head out and eases my lonliness. Thanks for reading.

Ain't got time to fix the hinges

I am very sorry about the lag here and the lack of time to read this past week. I hope you all know I would not neglect you for just any old reason. I have been just ramming here, in this last official week of summer, to get things going on the house. The plumber was just the first step. I just was going through the list of what has to be done and I am exausted. I don't know how I will ever get it all finished by winter.

I need a window in and another finished. Then it's OUT! Everything has to go someplace else. Furniture, photos, shelves, brackets, artwork and just everything.

Once it's all someplace else it's CLEAN! With amonia, ew. Scrub, scour and rinse. Everything, walls floors, windows, ceilings.

Then more OUT. The old wallpaper, trim, flooring, maybe the fake brick in the kitchen, too, it all has to go.

Once it's all really out then we have to prep, paint and paper. I am hoping to hire most of it done as I know wallpaper takes two to three people to do right and quickly. Then un prep, remove tape and trash and clean the floors up.

Then IN, new plumbing and any electrical and the exaust fan I want. And more in, the flooring and then the new furniture, the stuff I am keeping, a new desk, my new queen mattress and I guess I need new end table and lamps. Then wash and iron the new curtains, spreads, table toppers and put them up. I need to wash, paint and re-cushion the two occasional chairs to match the new stuff. And reseat and cushion the dining room set, maybe cut the legs down on the table to make it a little lower. Oh, yes, I need two or three stools for the breakfast counter. Darn!! I need new blinds, too. The ones I have up are (get this!) 18 years old! Oops! And a corner cabinet for the TV and Stereo so we can move it and get rid of the old one.

And that is just the down stairs minus the porch. The porch needs the ceiling rehung, sealed and repainted. The upstairs needs the carpet pulled up, the bed, dresser and table moved out, the floor painted, the stairs repaired and painted and the walls along the stairs patched and painted. The shelves pulled in the big room, the stuff out of there I am not keeping and then has to be reassembled with the new flip down bed/couch/storage thing I got for it.

I am meeting the nice man to measure floors today. I am trying to figure a way to use all the scraps at the price per yard for flooring they charge! It's a major challenge. He is estimating 10 more yards than I did. I may have to try and find it cheaper somewhere else. I hate to because they are a local place and we like to do business locally.

This is all on top of getting the kids what they need, taking care of my friend with the bad heart, over tipping my good waitresses, helping the sis in law that is down from a car accident, getting stuff in the mail for the Eldest and the SIL, doing Ebay auctions for my Uncle, getting together with friends at the annual campout every night this weekend, playing my guitar until my fingers hurt, making 13 pounds of scalloped potatoes, donating a lot of liquor and watermelon to the party, seeing two bands, friends, play in the same night, watching the parade with #1son and family, letting him ride the Wing, seeing that he can handle it and giving it to him. I couldn't ride it, I didn't want to sell it and I couldn't stand to see it just rot away un-used. He is so tickled. Then I ran excess scallops up to the sisters and had dinner with them while counseling the friend (that we had all patched up) because his wife is leaving him. I did all that and still kept the dogs and cats fed, petted and let in and out.

I have been just ramming full tilt boogie here! And it's going to go on for about a month more, or until the funds run out. And all the extra hands are back in school, building their own house or working extra hours right now. The Bro in law and his wife can help some, I think, and maybe their girl. I may be able to scare up a nephew, too. That's it. The girl's are all busy and the grands unavailable.

Boxes. I need LOTS of boxes. Maybe I had better rent a dumpster...LOL. It will be nice when it's done but it's going to be a lot of work.

On am more personal level - the one guy I know in our group that would be the absolute LAST person I ever got intimate with hit on me today. He's, a) married, b) not nice and c) would shame me to say I had touched in anyway whatsoever. I turned him down nicely but it just killed me that I so want a man to touch and be touched by and that the only one that offered is a jerk even I can't make an exception for. The ones I find myself liking are not available or not interested. It just figures, don't it!

Bippity Boppity BOO!

I love being the fairy godmother. I started right out waving my wand and can now safely say that way over my ten percent is invested in futures - I wouldn't know what a stock future is so I invest in my families futures.

Best Girl and Scooter Girl came over on Friday and I surprised them with going out to lunch and presents. I gave this style of box to the girls. #1son and wife, neices, nephews, and other family each got one.

There were other presents for them, too. They all had fun with them. I will get back to this Tuesday.