But I miss you most of all, my darling

It's my first anniversary without the man I married my soul to. I am writing this on Saturday as I don't think I will be able to today.

I would have to be able to remember in detail every day I ever spent with him to count all the wonderful things he did for me. My memory leaks like a rusty water pipe. I remember his fits, his temper, his jealousy, his pouts, his heavy sigh when I would be silly or when he felt put upon and fighting over stupid things or for no reason other than one of us had a bad day. I remember his wrench flying across the garage when he was having trouble with a bike and the way he would holler at the dogs when they disobeyed him. I remember how he would ask for a certain soup when he was sick and make a chili that only the brave and strong could eat. I remember his pain when there were problems with the kids and his anger when he couldn't just order it fixed and have it be so anymore.

I was never afraid of him in his worst temper because he would never hurt me, even when I started it. I always went to him first with my joys and pains and problems. I remember how he would get such a grumpy face when something I was using or driving broke, because he had to fix it. We used to joke that I was Timone and he was Pumba because Timone just waltzed through life and Pumba would get smucked in the face following behind him. He wanted us to be like John and Yoko or Sonny and Cher, you couldn't think of one alone, but only as a pair. He told me so, just like that.

Sometimes we would dress alike on pupose but most of the time it was an accident. We just picked the same colors for the day. He always reached for my hand when we crossed a parking lot, to show we were together I think. He couldn't really believe I couldn't cross the street myself. In stores we would often split up to shop faster, he hated crowds. But he always had to fish in the claw machines. I would load up on quarters before we left so he had lots.

I remember the last night together we laid in bed and I held him in my arms with his head on my shoulder while we nuzzled and hugged each other. "I love laying here with you like this", he said. "I know, me, too", I answered him sleepily. "I have to roll over, my back hurts." he told me. So we kissed, I called, "sweet dreams", we echoed "I love you" together and we slept. We slept in true love with each other one more night.

He really was not always perfect but he was perfect for me. Today I remember......

The day was perfect. In September, and the last week almost, we could have had anything from tornados to blizzards. A blue sky dotted with little lamb clouds holding the sun up had the temperature at 75 degrees with almost no humidity. We were up that morning and running - coffee, showers, last minute set up, pick a boquet and wrap it, shower again, greet early guests, direct chair set up, change clothes, greet the preacher, break the spagetti strap on my sister's dress, ACK!, pin it, quick! Breathe, relax, breathe. He went out and I waited.

Saturday I may have been, for a short time, in the ultimate heaven (7th). For those of you with alternate beliefs, my essence may have been escalated beyond the normally recognized boundaries of the current, chronological limits of space/time and existed, temporarily, on the ninth body of very fine water droplets or ice particles suspended in the atmosphere of an alternate reality.

I felt a hand touch me just above my lower ribs and it PUSHED me for all of about 1 second.
I knew what it was. The mate had ridden close to me and given me a little shove.

He could see I was failing fast and he knows about my different attitude problems. He didn't want me to quit and feel like I failed. He knew I wasn't going to stand up and he knew I was about to give up. He completely understood where my head was but knew I needed a little extra oomph to get where I wanted to go, so he gave me a little boost, even though he was lagging, too.

My heart totally grokked this all in about a split second and made my eyes tear up while my chest inflated with air as I sucked as hard as I could to keep breathing through the shock.

Things were going pretty good but I was out of water. This is bad. I carry a jug with me everywhere, 32 oz. and it was bone dry.

As we came up on the library I spotted the mate up on the steps. I smiled and waved at him. He held up a bottle of water, pointed at it and then at me. I nodded vigorusly and he trotted out, switched the nice, full, cold one for my hot, empty jug and I told him I loved him as he smiled and went back to the steps.

What a MAN! He hates crowds and doing anything to call attention to himself. I didn't even plan on him being there and he was not just there but thinking of me still and again and always. I am so blessed!

The nephew, Cboy2, had been close to the end of the parade and took his car to take his Dad to the truck. They seemed to be gone quite a while but when he came back to collect his wife and child he had 3 cold bottles of water to hand us.

I said, "You may turn out to be as good a man as your Uncle!" and he said, "I'm taking notes, he sent the water." I smiled. Bless that mate. He knew I would be sucking it down in the heat! He's so good he makes other men look bad even when he's NOT there, LOL!!

Bee had orders to fetch me back in the car, NOT to let me walk across town so we loaded up and rolled. As we came around the corner I saw the mate's bike parked near mine and the mate lazing in the shade, sitting on the top of a picnic table. My heart hurt and pounded. How did I ever get to have such a good friend as the Mate? I sure didn't earn it in my youth! He makes me smile every time I see him coming! The 25th will be 17 years married, 19 and a half years together for us and we still beat feet for home everyday. It's our place to be ourselves and we like each other and doing things our way.

When Jewel got bombed in Iraq, he was by her side when she landed. When Mom needed to take her motor home to FL. He trailered the bike and co drove her. He rode back one of the most beautiful roads he had ever seen. We were going to go do it again this summer. He helped his sis get moved and she was one state over, did a rode trip with his brother, spent time with his kids, with my kids, with our friends and kept the house up and me feeling like pure bliss most of the time with our love.

So we had a quiet day. Wrapped up in our love for each other. I wish you all the joy of a comparable day at least once in your lives. Our 17th anniversary

Today was the last day I had the privlege and joy of being married to a man who loved strongly and well, knew the meaning of honor, was patriotic enough to spend eight years defending his country, loved his children, his step children, his grand children, his dog, his cat, his motorcycle and family and friends but still had enough love to give me that my life was completely transformed.

All I really wanted to say is that you have all the time from now until you die to be happy.

Don't waste it. Don't FORGET to say thank you, I love you, and throw in a hug to show you mean it and even a real kiss, not the fast kind you get used to throwing because you are in a hurry. Love NOW.