the tracks of my tears

The little red truck is finally making it back to the repair shop for the few things that were undone when I picked it up. That has been a comedy of errors. They came to get it when I wasn't here Friday and missed it again this morning. I was bringing in pizza for the guys in the shop to let them know someone appreciates the good job they have been doing. We have not had one complaint on quality this year. I was getting pizza when they showed to get red.

I got my first call from the guys that have the white truck in the shop. The little voice in my head has made sure I couldn't change my mind on loaning it by keeping it out of service. I was going to loan it to a friend who's car burned up but she just screwed that up by leaving her husband out of the blue and I can't trust her to do any better than that by me, now, darn it.

So the bills on the tow and the repair should come in by tomorrow. I still have money left, bless my pointy little head, so I can pay them. The flooring guy met me last night to measure the house. When he got done, and I recovered from my swoon at the cost, I had to cut the kitchen/dining floor out of the picture to stay in budget. There is ceramic tile down there, anyway, so I guess I just scrub the heck out of it after we paint. I can buy more throw rugs....

I went into a major "I miss you, mate" after he left. So much of what should have been real fun is missing because I don't have him to share it with and I have just partied on down the road and tried to ignore that but it caught me last night. I have tried to cut down on mentions of the continuing grief here to avoid depressing myself even worse but I really have to say it just laid me out. I barely had my face back on when the sis and the mom arrived a half hour late for bible study. It was all I could do to get back under control.

Part of it was because I got to see the mate's best friend finally this weekend. It was only a couple hours. But as soon as he pulled in I was watching for the mate's bike behind him, seeing where the mate would have stood to look at his friend's new bike, saw what team he would have played horse shoes on, where he would have been standing at the fire to talk to his friend while I played my music.... There was just an empty spot everywhere I looked. What made it harder is I know it was the same for the BFF. I was just creating an empty spot where ever I was because he would look to see the mate beside me.

We both did the best we could. I gave him the things I know the mate would have wanted him to have and a gift from me during the end of the evening. We spoke of daily things and, just for a sentence or two before I left, of our hurts. It is still everyday for him, too. His wife was sweet to me all weekend and we had a good visit but I couldn't get alone with her to talk much. We all did the best we could but I can see it will be awhile before he can spend any real time with me. It hurts me to spend time with him but he is one of the few men who's opinion I respect and who's ability I trust for input on my decisions and I miss having him to consult.

It was the most normal I have felt since the mate died, though. Hanging around the fire while we over indulge in mass quantities of food and beverage with the tunes jammin and the kids rammin and the folks gettting all caught up with each other was a taste of a "regular" weekend with our friends. I don't think the words, thank you, expressed how much I appreciated being included to reestablish my friendships with this group without the mate. While I dealt with his absence the whole time, so did they. It was a sharing of the adjustment that lightened my load for a few days and I can't say how much it helped me.

But last night it was just real all over again that the mate is not there to ask about cost, colors, kinds, plans and such. He was so talented and intelligent about those things I really miss him when I am trying to plan ahead. But I got it stuffed back inside.

We had a "catch up" meeting and the North Uncle called in the middle about the wood he has for sale. 720 board feet of cherry and 640 feet of walnut in assorted sizes from two to six feet long and from one inch to an inch and five eighths in thickness. At a steal of a price per board foot. I got those details down and will be making some calls on it today. I want some but I don't have the tools to build what I want to with it.

The sis got us up to speed on Cboy2's house building. The mom got us caught up on her weekend and where her head is at, I let them know if they needed anything to get requests in as I was going through the money like water and it would be gone soon. We had melon the sis brought and it was yummy.

When they left I was so depressed I went to bed early so I could quit thinking. The only problem with that is I think I keep thinking in my sleep. I over slept inspite of the early bedtime and believe I was ranting all night at the mate. I was still tired when the phone woke me and I learned the white truck was being fixed today.

But I keep moving on, one day and, sometimes, one hour at a time. There has been a lot of joy in my life with the good I could do for my family and friends. There was a lot of fun making music and listening to my friend's bands. Life still had good times in it for me. I just have to watch for them and remember to appreciate them when they happpen. It's not always easy, I keep working at it, though because I still believe these two things. "If you can't have fun what's the point of being here?" and "It's all stuff and stuff just burns up."

I am going to get this house thinned down to what I can take care of alone. I am free and clear on everything except the mortgage. I have a good job, except for the lack of benefits and I have talents I can make extra cash on in the future. I still have friends, some of them just need some space right now. I have a great, if a little strange, family and wonderful kids and grands.

When all else fails me I have all of you to talk to and getting it down on 'virtual paper' lets me clear my head out and eases my lonliness. Thanks for reading.