I see your lips, the summer kisses

Summer, I am still hoping for an extension. These gray days are very hard for me. The rain and gloomy skies bring me down. We won't even talk about kisses. Even though my kids and I have totally excellent communication they still say there is such a thing as TMI. (too much info).

Work was ok yesterday. I annoyed the boss by having to stop at the hardware again and so I was a little late. I want to make it to eighth place in their contest - win a set of walkie talkies. I don't know why, I told Mom I'd have to put one in the garage and one by the computer in the house then run back and forth to have any way to play with them. Sometimes you just get funny ideas stuck in your head. Or maybe it's like bidding on Ebay, you get caught up in it and take it personally and over pay rather than let someone else win.... Any way - you get extra points everytime you stop in and more if you buy something.

When I got home last night I was really hurting. The hired girl didn't show but she may have had something with school going on. I was going to run over and check but the door bell rang. Well, I wish the doorbell had rung, I just put them in a couple weeks ago. Really the dogs went off. It always makes me jump out of my skin because they don't do a warm up growl or anything they just go into full "intruder alert" mode, both of them.

While Best Girl was over the other day I went to our local Freecycle page through Yahoo and found some people looking for what I had to get rid of soon. I sent some emails and got a few replys. The nice lady at the door was here to get the extra vacuume I don't need any more. I had one for up and one for downstairs but I am knocking the carpet down to just the living room so one is more than enough.

I had forgotten all about her and had to run all over to find the machine and all it's parts. Some in the garage, some in the house, darn! Her husband was in uniform, I think air force and they had two kids in the back seat of a van. I was so glad to help them out. When I ran back in to look for the power head I heard the answering machine just finishing up but there was no message. I got them sent off after showing them how it came apart and went together then ran back to check my email. There was a note from a friend saying they would call. So I guessed who's call I had missed and got off line.

I haven't really ranted about cooking for one, but you all know I hate it. It was one of those times when nothing sounded good. I boiled up an ear of corn and was just starting on the second half when the phone rang. It was the friend. Did I want to go for dinner? Oh yeah! They hadn't been here before so I said give me 15 minutes then start and I will meet you on the road to bring you in.

I hung up, crammed the shower, shave, teeth, pits and clean outfit, pick up kitchen, run out the door into exACTly those 15 minutes and flew down the road in the little red truck. Through the country at dusk I raced and saw two different groups of deer, both with beautiful big bucks in them. Bow season is coming. I caught them about 4 miles out, they flew by me and I turned around. We got our ducks in a row and I led them back to my place.

After locking my keys in the truck, getting the other key out of it's hiding place, finding my glasses so I could read a menu and brushing my now wind blown hair back into some semblance of order, then snatching the second set of keys, we left in their car for town.

It was nice to have someone to talk to but what I really enjoyed was NOT driving and still going somewhere. I miss riding in the passenger seat, among all the million other things I miss. We saw some more deer. I mentally added that to the total of deer for the day plus the 4 sand hill cranes, one great blue heron, 2 big and 2 small ducks, one flock of geese going north and a big flock headed south, a raccoon and one hunting cat. Pretty good spotting day.

We had an unremarkable but satisfactory dinner. The conversation was fun, getting caught up and learning new things about my friend, watching the ball game, the food, nothing earth shattering, just chat and chew. When we finished we went back to my place.

Then it got fun. Real conversation, topics from music, muses, spiritual beliefs to life goals. All of this to the background of strumming guitars as we showed each other our songs. It was good. They left about eleven and for a work night it was a great gift to me.

This is intentionally vague because my friend was, what I call, running under the radar. There is a mate involved that has jealousy issues. I don't like being in that situation or putting them in it. There is no reason for those feelings as this friend and I are not even close to lovers, way too many basic life style differences for mating. We are the kind of friends that will always be friends. Even when we have to stay apart to keep our lives right for our partners. I just wish it could all be above board and open.

They gave me the gift of time and companionship and sharing the music and I don't know that I gave them anything in return but my acceptance of them and their self as it is along with my continued love, respect and affection for them as a friend. It was because I had the need for someone to help me get through this mess that they made the decision to come visit, in spite of the risk. I won't get to see them very often and that makes it a double treasure, the memory of the time we had together. It lifted my gloom and they left me with a new song to learn so I have another (like I need it) project to complete.

I went to bed feeling less lonely and sad than I have in days. Then I over slept today. I am thinking I am going to have to cop out and start looking at some happy pills for awhile. The grief has turned into depression and I am prone to being down too far. While most of my life I have just lived through it the price you pay can be too high. I don't want that non functional not going to play kind of attitude right now. I can't just stay home and work when I feel like it and only what I want to work on. Not yet. I sure can't just take to living in my loungers and sleeping all the time to avoid life. There is too much needing done before winter. And the critters have a schedule, too, that I have to keep up with.

All of that has been getting harder to do. I can't get to bed, when I do get there I don't sleep well. When I do get to sleep I can't wake up on time. I'm not hungry and I have only played the guitar twice in the last week. Avoidance of pain, depression, grief...whatever name you put on it I can't let it beat me down. So maybe I need a little help staying on the up side. More friends, less pills, maybe but my life is what it is and my friends don't have time to babysit me, either. Thinking this is the second or third time it has come up so I had better drag myself into doing something about it.

Sometimes you get tired of always doing or trying to do the "right" thing. You just want to throw up your hands and holler 'NO - you can't make me" and open that bottle, or pop that pill or whatever takes you out of the real world for a little while. Staying here, caring what happens to yourself and to those you care about seems like too much work, too much hurt and too much frustration to face. You want to tune out, turn on and drop out of the race. It's a normal reaction to emotional overload. Trying to balance your desire to stop the world and get off with the complications taking a serious break in your life will bring is walking the razor's edge. But it means you still care enough about yourself to look at the negatives and aim at the positives.

I still care enough about me and mine that I am not just shutting down and if it takes a pill to help me stay functional for awhile, I am glad they invented one. I was on Prozac for about six months after we burned out. About nine months into the struggle to get a new home in, find another job, deal with the finances, (no insurance that time, either) and keep the two girls in what they needed, I was having major panic attacks and black thoughts. I called for help, took the pills they gave me, got a job, we got a plan in place to deal with the money problems, things were easier and I quit taking the pills. All better.

I think I am trying to make myself see that it's just another way to survive, it's not a cop out to need help and that it's only for a little while, until I get my life back on some kind of track. The constant change is really hard on me and the lack of companionship tears at me. Why should I think I am some kind of super woman? I know how much I leaned on the rock of my mate to get through life, even if my friends see me as strong and independant, capable and competent. He was the guidance system on my rocket and I am a little out of whack without it.

He doesn't want me unhappy and lonely any more than I want to be that way. I guess I better get it taken care of. Thanks for listening and to my friend, thank you for some truely golden hours. It made a difference in my today.