When you went away

You just get kicked in the teeth sometimes. Rambling along, minding your own business, not bothering nobody and
WHAM
you're trying to scramble around and find a way to function.

I can handle my pain. I cry, scream, bang my head on the wall, stare into the distance and pray, rant, stomp my feet, whatever it takes to get it out so I can go on doing what I need to do. What I have never learned to do very well is handle someone else's pain. They don't teach it in school.

Most of my good days end with the words, "and then they (he, she) headed home". At that point my life resumes it's lonely path and it's more empty for the cheering accent of the temporary companionship. I actually enjoy a large amount of solitude and have learned to try and appreciate that I can work on a project without the guilt of ignoring the mate or my friends and family as I often did when I am engrossed. I am getting by ok, I am getting used to being alone even though I don't want it to become a way of life forever, it's ok. My family and friends keep me going and the animals keep me moving every day.

Enter the girl I call the hired help. I like her. She is a vivid, bold, "up" personality. About 16, probably five foot eight or nine and never going to be a "little woman". She recently cut her thick, long black hair but it's headed back for her waist again already. She has a beautiful smile and a lovely face. She has been seriously exercising, losing weight well and, from an inspired comment I hollered at her one day as she walked by singing, she joined the chorus at school and is second saprano, with a range I frankly envy. The music has given her more self confidence from finding something she is good at, more social skills, and something to aim at in the future.
She lives a block over from me, has a nasty little brother, a dog and a mom there, a dad in a near by Big F-ing city not far away.

She had a boyfriend until this weekend, he broke up with her. She had a best girl friend that she had known since "forever", her very best girl friend, until Saturday night. She didn't break up with her, she called my girl to talk to her and, after she got off the phone, killed herself.

My girl was working along with me last night, acting all glad to be over her flu and back with me, we had mostly finished up last night's projects and were just filling the last box she would take out for me when she just up and says, "I used to have a best friend. She called me to talk. Her boyfriend was in a car accident and not expected to make it. She killed herself."

Teeth all over the floor. Surprisingly, for me, I kept my mouth shut over all the usual bull we answer to a statement like that to give it some thought. I knew what it was like to lose your best friend, and words don't help much. I also had a friend that suicided and I had been haunted by the fact that if I had stopped two days earlier I might have helped her instead of walking into her funeral dinner. Instead of stating anything I asked some questions.

My poor girl, she had spent most of the weekend laying in her room thinking and crying alone. Now she was waiting for the memorial information, there would be no real funeral for her friend. The family was too torn up to deal with her pain, too, so she didn't feel like she could go be with them yet. It's her weekend to be at her dad's and he would drive her to it. I told her if he would not to call me for a ride.

Then I tried to tell her a little about what I had digested from my experiences. How we have a life to live and that others depend on us for emotional support and more. That our friends didn't kill themselves to hurt us but to stop the pain they were living with that they felt was too much for them to deal with forever. I told her I know the mate wanted me to be happy, he did things everyday to help me smile, but I was still sad to be without him even this long later. We have to try and move forward through the saddness and find our next happiness.

It was probably wasted breath as her pain was so new and so big and so "too MUCH" that words won't help. But the tears rolling down our cheeks showed us both that we cared and that we understood in our hearts what the other was dealing with. We pasted our faces back on and she took the last box out before leaving for home. I walked her to the door.

I remember so well the pain I felt when I found out my boyfriend had "cheated" on me in high school. I remember the depths of despair that the loss of a friend created in me. You don't have the experience to know how to handle it. You just hurt and cry and write terrible, black poetry, and brood in your room. And brood. Your friend is out of here, you could be with her....

She lost her best friend and her boyfriend in the same weekend. She's just 16. God, I hurt. Will you pray for her sad heart to heal, please. I don't want to lose her too.