All alone at the end of the evening

Finally. Friday night was boring, Saturday was difficult. Sunday was hard.

I tried to scare up something to do on Friday night and the best I could come up with was laundry and dishes. The band had a bye weekend so that was out. I needed to go to town but it was too late to get the filter for the mower so I blew it off.

I had the satellite TV shut off Wednesday, instead of 174 channels of nothing to watch I only get two now. I think my antenna is broken someplace. To watch anything I would have to rewire everything through the VCR. I just didn't have the heart for it so I kept the darn thing on low on the public channel I did get and left it on for the dogs.

I printed some of the music I have been finding to relearn and wrote a couple myself, made the first meat I've eaten in a week for dinner. I tried to get a guy I know to look at the mower but he wasn't home, the kids were gone, too. I got to meet his young, over energetic dog, the horse and two goats. That was fun. I left a note and went home.

I went to bed about one. Why so late? The gypsies are using the public john in town, not mine and not the one in the RV. One trip apiece is ten times the dogs go off because someone is pulling in or out of the drive. My bgf, DD, gets home around midnight. Someone has to go get her and bring her back. That's twelve dog alerts. So ya, I was up late again. But the chores were done.

Saturday some friends that used to ride with us (the first to visit me of our riding friends) came over with a push mower thinking we would be able to do the lawn....LOL...4582 sq yards of lawn. The Tuff Guy looked over my cranky mower, made a small adjustment to a spring, and that didn't fix it. His very Sweet Lady and I helped him put it away and we all went in for tea and to visit. They stayed a pretty good while. When they were leaving the DD hobbled through. She had a toe nail lasered out Thursday. She said she'd be back in a couple hours to visit. It was six by then so I made a spaghetti dinner, cleaned up and waited for her instead of going to town.

I waited and waited....ad infinitum. She didn't show. Wrote my third song, all about how some dummy who keeps believing everything his girl says and she never shows and he is finally catching on that she doesn't care about him. LOL. That was easy. I waited out the dog alerts for the night and went to bed.

Sunday the DD made it clear to the kitchen table and we talked over coffee. I explained that the neighbor I ran into at the store told me the kid I don't like is persona non grata around here, known to be a thief and they are afraid to piss him off because is also mean and vindictive. I will not be extending their visit. I want them all gone by next Sunday. I also gave her the contact info for a trailer and a house for rent I had scared up for her. She was just fine with everything. I offered the upstairs again. She said she stays for the baby girl and turned me down again. I am fine with that. She has a life, I have a life, no problem.

The mate's eldest and the boys came in to take another load of stuff from the mate home. I introduced them. Once we were done with our coffee DD left. It's the short person's bday this week but she had her party Saturday. I sent my gift over with the Daring Dame when she left.

The mate's eldest and I commenced tearing up the bedroom, my last bastion of "us-ness". I got rid of t-shirts, jeans, socks and trashed the really worn stuff. Hats! The mate had a hat for every occasion. Those went to the boys to wear fishing and such. Watches, coins, rings and things were mixed in with the ever present pennies and loose screws. The knives were divided up. A pocket comb for everyone appeared in sundry places.

At the end, the dresser was emptied of it's drawer contents and the top was covered with assorted left overs I need more info on. I went back through what I was going to keep and got rid of more. I thought I could use the small pile of jeans and t's when I stop wearing black.

Spiderman, Captain America, Curley from the Three Stooges, GW shirts, the beer shirt, I gave them all to the teens and daughters to wear. There are a couple coats and some boots that need homes but all of it went somewhere.

While we sorted I asked the boys, 15 and 13, to unhook the satellite, rewire the TV to the VCR and figure out how to run movies. I was mostly kidding but the tech gen teens not only did it but did it right, from what I can tell. I sent the BigE to get them pizza for lunch. LittleM cooked them for us while we attacked the upstairs and the boys watched a movie between hauls to the van.

We took a fortifying break and went up to his pool room to get the knick knacks down. Eagles, mascots from the bike, posters, tins, it's almost all gone. I kept one eagle for me that I think I picked up for him, a bronze, unbreakable one. There is a John Lennon photo in black and white, three books, the noisy harley toy that was Dad's, the easy rider poster and one black light poster left there. We dug his tapestries from when he was in Germany out of the cupboard and I let the eldest pick one, then told her to let her sis pick one and give the other to her mom. There was a rain suit and a hunting suit in the attic, too. I sent the hunting suit with the boys and will give the rainsuit to the nephew. The BigE was wearing the camo orange coat when he left. I caught a glimpse of him in the mirror and got a heartache of mis-identification for a second.

We went through what was left of a life time's accumulation of assorted memories and belongings for the man and there is very little I will keep. His eight point buck antler mount, the pocket knife the mate bought dad to go with his "sit and whittle" rocking chair for his last birthday that he then carried till he died I have in my pocket now. I retired my pocket knife and will be getting rid of it to one of the kids. I wear his wedding ring on a leather thong now.

One heavy flannel I won't cut up but will wear when I need to comfort me. All the rest except the tools are going somewhere. When I have time I will sort and thin those, too. We have two of almost everything in the garage so I didn't have to mess with his stuff or so I had bike and truck kits, too. The nephews and the grands will get most of it.

We filled most of the van and there was still too much stuff here. The friend with the goats had found my note and he came over just as they were leaving with it. The day had turned cold and rainy so we gave it a lick and a promise and he and his daughter came in to visit.

We talked a lot and covered a lot of topics. She asked to check her email and I let her. When I found out she didn't have a computer I asked her if she would like one and she thought I was kidding. I ended up giving her the mom's old Toshiba that only runs Win95 but will get on the net. We set it up and found out a cord was missing. I will be getting it back for here today, I hope, or I will order one.

That made her day and got one more thing out of the house. Then I felt much better because instead of being Miss Bitchywhiny all day I got to be the Good Fairy. I like that. Her Dad liked it, too. So I had a smile in my day. That was good because then they left.

I began to survey my poor, trashed domain. There is still too much of him here to avoid; Way too much. Now it is all in the empty spaces on the book shelves, in the movie cabinet, the closet, the empty dresser. It's the "gone-ness" of him now, not the "there but not there" that I was dealing with. And it hurts still. It was supposed to make it easier to come home and it doesn't seem to have worked.

The bedroom gets trashed all the way soon. I will take it right down to the bare walls and floor and rebuild it. The bed has to be replaced because it's old, worn and cheap, not because it was ours. Maybe my sewing machine will take up some of the space that was his. I just can't say yet. I have to get this to be "my home" now and the bedroom "my bedroom". I just don't know how to do it. I never had a real house for a home of my own. It's too big and too empty and yet I don't want to share the space with anyone yet...conundrums abound.

I promised myself that I would avoid any major decisions for six months. So far I have kept that promise but it's been so tempting to just move it all the hell out and move on. This is where I have been happy with the mate. I don't want to leave it.

It is also a three bedroom, two story home with three lots and three out buildings/garages that, if the yard were fenced, would scream "FAMILY" at me even louder. Finances say stay, heart screams run away. It's what I always did best. I learned to stay and face the bad times with the mate. Now I am alone again that old spring itch foot feeling is after me. I don't want to sell in the low market we have here right now. I want the place finished right before I leave it, if I do decide to leave it.

I wonder if a vacation would ease me any. Just some time away from the responsibilities and the needs of the animals and the damn house and I don't see a way to do that either, until the bike sells. I get dizzy trying to plan ahead and so I just shut down and don't do anything.

Then I am back at getting through another Monday, stopping at the store for groceries, dragging myself through getting the mail, mopping the floors when I get home, trying to find something to eat that sounds good, calling another friend for help with the mowers, doing a load of laundry, riding the pedal bike, moving the daffodiles that are done blooming; just finding something to keep busy so I don't just freeze in place and never move again.

It's a mountain of "to do" and a mustard seed of energy in conflict with my lack of interest in the outcome at this time. I have a bad case of "who gives a shit" and "in a hundred years who will care" apathy to fight against and very little will to fight. I just want it all to "Poof!" away.

POOF! you hear me? POOOOOFFF!, I say! Abracadabra!? Alley Oop!? crap. It's still here. I gotta get a new wand....