Black is black I want my baby back

A friend from the coast told me by email tonight I can visit any time and that she gets hooked in the blog. Both were happy thoughts. I wrote to her

"I love seafood and who knows where I will wander off to now that my anchor is raised forever. It pleases me that you enjoy the blog so much. It's what I want it to do, draw people in and make them think ahead a little. I don't do it very well myself.

The blog will have to be my book. I don't have the heart to write one. I am only sorry the mate was reading it and so much of last summer was abreviated to suit him. I wish I had all the little details of the days to remember.

I sit here tonight with a dam behind my eyes and my sinuses "pre-stuffing" knowing that if I so much as think a sad thought I will be sobbing my face off and I just can't stand to cry anymore. I have to try to remember his goal was to make me happy and so I better get happy if I want to honor his memory the right way.

There just is no longer a definition of "happiness" in my life. I don't know what would make me happy - barring the impossible wish. If he wants me to be happy and content he is going to have to help me rediscover what makes me feel that way. It was always just being with him, before.

Not even dark chocolates in a box with the map cheer me up. I don't know where to turn for Happy...."

And I had an email from the new widow saying she liked the blog. She is so torn right now I can't believe she had energy to write back coherently. I admire her for that.

I have been looking at sites of other widows and widowers and support groups but keep shearing off to go my own way in my healing. There are books I am not reading, too. I don't know if I am just being contrary or if it's that I refuse to believe my feelings are duplicated anywhere on the planet. Or maybe I am afraid I will find I didn't show him my love enough while I could.

I don't know. All I know is the last two days have been dark ones. From here tomorrow doesn't look any better. Except I will keep trying to make it better.

It's what you do when you hurt. Hold the hurt part, comfort the hurt part, ease the hurt part, clean and bandage the hurt part, take a pill to ease the pain of the hurt part and then treat it especially carefully until it is better.

Oh. Well now, that's a thought, isn't it? Only I don't know if I am still running cold water over me or if I have reached the pain medication part. Or maybe the dam behind my eyes is the bandage part. I do know that I am at the "be especially careful of it" stage, still. I break easily.

The gypsies interrupted bible study to claim a bath for the midget and my DD. I said fine. I also bitched about the guys in my yard and told her I would be cutting off the power Friday after work. I want to fully encourage them to move on. Then she and the mom said they would be over tonight to visit.....nine pm and no one here yet so I am going to make a call then go visit a friend myself.

Be good to your self and be good to those you love today. Don't forget again that life is to short and "We don't have enough time to not have fun."