Blues, stay away from me

repeat and fade...LOL

I did not realize that Tuesday was the 25th, my heart must have known. That would explain my depression getting so deep. It's not even that I feel better today but when I know what the cause is I can at least say it will go away or change soon and hang on til it does. It gives me the illusion of control over my moodiness.

I think I may be reaching a place I need to look at happy pills again for awhile. If I don't feel more "normal" by Sunday I will make a call on Monday and check it out. Prozac got me past the fire and Zoloft kept me from killing people with my hormone swings for a while. Maybe a shot of brandy would do the same but I am still avoiding that experiment for now.

I couldn't even play the guitar last night. I just did a few chores, waited for the damn gypsies to finish running in and out and went to bed. I did get some writing done on the Good Friday post. Maybe it will be ready for next year.

Now, for the dating crowd, a couple questions. If you are widowed are you still married or are you single? Should you say you are single or use the word widow/er in the profiles? Would you pick a divorced person or a widowed person to date if those were your only choices and why?

For the widows; How long do you wear your wedding ring and consider yourself still married? Is a year too long? ten years? ten days? I have compromised by wearing both of them on a thong around my neck. His has been there since he died, mine joined it today. I need to face reality and the line is "til death us do part". At least that's what ours says. He teased that when my heart stopped on the table during the heart attack I was dead so he was single again. I told him I would let him know when I was dead and that maybe that line didn't apply to us anyway!

The premises I am working under are that the mate wanted me to be happy and "We don't have enough time to not have fun." I am spending more time with the family and, slowly, with the friends. It keeps me busy. While I am not happy alone I am not ready to commit to anyone. I am ready for a male to spend time with doing things like riding and having dinner out or catching an event. Even just to talk with would be good. The companionship is what is missing for me. A male friend to share my days with verbally and to tell me of his would be a pleasant distraction from my constant grief.

While I am still destroyed unexpectedly by sudden fits of tears and pain, they are becoming less often as I accept the fact that the mate is herstory, not my future. The future is mine and I don't know how much of one I have available. I don't want the kids or the friends to remember me this miserable and pitiful. I have always tried to enjoy living each day. I have to find something to enjoy. To let me look forward, instead of to the emptiness of the mate's part of my life, to the joys I may be able to fill it with.

This is not easy to do this soon but with a "genetic" heart problem and heart attacks taking grandparents on both sides of the family in their early 60's I may not have time to sit here and pout about the mate leaving me for 3 or 4 years and THEN be happy again.

I feel like I have to make the attempt to get back on the band wagon for having fun while I am here, loving my people while I have them, being glad to have another day to be alive instead of wanting the endless days of no mate to end quickly for me, please.

It is probably too soon to say I am turning into Ms. McCheerful or Harmony Happygirl right away but I have to get my attitude straightened out here and now. The dark is a bad place for me and if I don't shun it it will consume me in misery. I refuse to live like that. The mate wouldn't like it and I don't like me that way. I am not normally a drama queen, I am the Rogue Queen! (some days wild, some days a queen, re: menopause....LOL).

When I grieved for my Dad the mate was comforting but always tried to keep me busy with him. He told me jokes and brought home funny movies. Now I am grieving for him I have to find others to keep me busy. So I am sticking my toe in the water. It's cold out there for an old lady with a a 40 " waist and a motorcycle but I will keep looking around til I find some people who know we all get funny looking as we age and are willing to like me for myself, not my "rode hard, put away wet" body.

I am looking at entertainment in the area, concerts to go to, the Fair is coming, Memorial Day, the Midnight Ride and all the rest of our normal entertainment. I am going to have to start gassing up the bike and hitting the road. Hopefully I can do it with a friend or two to keep me distracted and entertained along the way.

And yes, this may be an abortive effort but I have to try. If I think male friends and keeping busy will cheer me up then that's where we are going. I can't change the past, I can at least make it to the future if I just keep moving on down the road. (the mate says,"Pretty bold post for a one eyed fat woman" LOL, misquoted John Wayne movie line we loved, my response has to be "Fill your hand you SOB!, and then we both laugh - hence the photo above. )