Stuck in the middle with you

I got out of work last night and ran to town to get dog food and such. I had called the BigE and told him I'd be late. When I got home he had done dishes, and kept his messes mostly cleaned up. It looked good. That was a nice treat for me.

I had gotten stuff for a "dunking dinner"; Poppers, chicken nuggets, motzarella cheese sticks and steak fries. Throw it all in the oven and you are ready to eat in twenty minutes. Easy, low clean up, and fun to eat. We all enjoyed it.

I was going to put together some more web pages after dinner. Then I was going to read. Then I was going to watch some tube with the grand. Finally I ended up on the couch and promptly fell asleep. I haven't done that since the mate died.

When I am home alone the tv is on for the dogs and I work on the house or the computer. I stay busy, even if it is just playing cards online, to keep my mind occupied. This week has been very busy and I realized this morning that I needed some time alone again.

I'm not used to having people around anymore. It's just me and the mate except for occasional visits by some of our close friends and the grands. Even the totally excellent grand makes me feel restricted in my home as to my behavior and emotional outlets. I guess I am a bit of a hermit. Maybe I mean we were hermits... Whatever.

I am more outgoing than the mate was. It's why I was looking for my friends and why I am glad to have found them. I like to get out even more now to avoid the empty house problem but the bar scene is only for the music, not the drinking or the meat market. I am avoiding the drinking and not interested in the other.

Today I was wondering if I am trying to travel backwards in my life to a time before the mate to avoid going ahead to a time without him. By digging out the guitars and the musical friends I can put my energy into getting my voice and picking abilities back. Instead of looking for new friends or trying a new way of life I can run back and hide in the old one.

But I am not 29, with long blonde hair on a stacked bod anymore. The opportunities won't open to an old, heavy lady that might have to that young woman. I have songs to write, and that does require the guitar and a little bit of voice to get out of my system but do I really want to go there as the grey old fat lady? Am I all washed up before I begin to try or am I just dreaming I can do this? The first couple tries have not been very encouraging. I know what I used to be able to do with my voice but the sinuse/allergy problem and the lack of wind from being out of shape are discouraging me.

Then, on the other side of the argument, you can't expect to just jump up and sing or play an instrument. It takes work and that takes time. Same with the weight. I was just getting to where I could go three miles on the bike last year. I haven't tried it yet this year but it is coming soon. If you want something badly enough you have to be willing to work for it.

Getting discouraged before you even put minimal effort into it is a child's attitude. The adult me realizes that I have not even really started to work at this. So am I racing backwards, reaching for a dream I let slide or am I stretching forward to build a new dream on an old one? Does it matter which it is?

I thought once I wanted to be a fantasy/fiction writer, too. The blog has at least gotten me into writing a little everyday again. Should I look harder at that?

What I find I can't do is just sit here and wait to see what comes next. I can't stand to think as much as I do when I am alone. I have to do something and the job is not fufilling at all except that I built my position from scratch and I do it well.

I could take in foster kids but don't know if I can deal with another person's problems on top of my own. I could take in a border but I don't really want to share my space with just anyone. I can sell on the bay for a little extra money.

There are lots of things I could do. I even thought about going back to college to be a teacher but I don't know that I could be "socially acceptable" in that role. I tend to want my kids to respect and obey me but teachers no longer have the power to discipline the children in their classes. Kids have no respect for someone with no power to require it of them.

Who knows what will happen next or what direction I will go? For now, I find myself clinging to the rut the mate and I built because it worked. We had what we needed and enough to help others and that was enough for us. The rut just gets awfully lonely sometimes.

And that is why I wondered if I was standing pat, running backwards or moving forwards. It's like a flatlander going into the mountains and getting goofy from the altitude and lack of oxygen. They can't tell if they are going up or down hill. The lack of loving imput leaves me wondering what exactly I am up to.

Major rambling thoughts today. Thanks for listening.