If you ever change your mind

We do that all the time. It seems like a good idea then one thing will change and we go a different direction.

I am trying to walk a path alone still. I confess to being spoiled, I liked walking as a team where each did what they could each day to help the other over humps and rough spots. Even just doing chores is more fun shared than done alone.

I confess to having dreams of a love I can trust again. I decided I am greedy for love again when so many have never had even one love go right for them. It doesn't stop me from dreaming, it just makes me glad I know that true love is a reality. It's not a fairy tale. I pray for the others that haven't known one to have time to grow a true love, too.

You create it between you. It's new and different every day. It grows and sometimes wans, but if it is true love, you fan the flames and again it shines.

I think, for me, the truth of true love is that nothing was allowed to damage it. Not a word or action to hurt my friend, nor one by him to hurt me.

We did still hurt sometimes. Getting tired or impatient, cranky or afraid we could use hurtful words and have fights. We never let them last. Most often we met between two rooms, where we had gone apart to think and cool off tempers, both seeking to heal the breech between us. Willing to give up the battle and the prize, for the love we needed every day.

Thoughtless actions, accidental situations and such could put either of us where we brought out hurt and jealousy in the other. Always before the anger, the hurt asked for the truth of the situation and we worked it out. It was always understandable when you knew the whole truth of the story of the day. We did not lie, not to each other, anyway. (Note: at least I never caught him in one! ) We gave passes for money and gifts to be gotten and surprises like that, but we never lied about our hearts. You can't have love like that.

I even wrote not always perfect here. "Where were you so late?", he'd ask. "Your mustache smells funny", I'd say. Fretting, even after the first ten years, that we'd lose our treasured mate. It was not so much a lack of trust as a need for reassurance in each of us. We changed as we aged. The beauty was faded, our ability to be able to do certain jobs and chores was leaving us. We would both sometimes get afraid.

Those words really meant, "Do you still love me?" We both would give our answers and laugh at the other's fears. It was nice to know he still worried a little, as long as he didn't really ever think I would do anything to hurt him and our "US". He liked it when I told him he couldn't carry a spare helmet on the bike, no female riders, it meant I thought he was still cute enough to be stolen from me.

Our reality was we trusted. We are humans and had histories that were not always pristine and clean. Not even close, actually, we were lucky to have gotten out with any hearts left at all. We both had shames but we trusted anyway, in love, and we pulled it off.

This is all coming out because someone said to me, "Cheaters will always cheat." I have to say it isn't true. What is true is that a real love changes you.

Your heart yearns to see a smile on the face of your partner - all the time, if you can. The fear of hurting them and their heart lets you go the extra mile to always act as if they were standing right beside you.

As small as the world is, it's almost a truth. You can bet trouble makers will enjoy any word that might hurt something they don't have. So you have to walk as a trusted friend, even when you think no one can see. It lets you have clear eyes to say, "I don't want anyone but you." It lets your heart be light and your mind clear and lets him smile and say, "I had fish for lunch. How do you know what a mustache smells like? and laugh their fears away.

For me it gave me a peace I had never known to be able to say, "I had to wait for a truck tonight at the shop. I got home as soon as I could." and know it was a truth he trusted by the hug I got then. We believed each other. We trusted and we were friends.

I have lucked out and get to set my sights high for a true love again. I was blessed as I walked my darkest days with friends that knew I was hurt.

So yes, love changes people. Yes, sometimes you start with the best of intentions and it's you who can't carry through. You never know the future. All you can ever do is live the truth of your love for the other person. No lies, no sneaks, no hurts from you is half the battle. If they offer that to the love between you, that love changes from just friendship to true love. I believe it can happen between two who are willing to give it all they have.

I am alone. I walk that way and smile. Someone will come who knows I can love in truth and want that enough to try. I will be able to say, "I have been waiting for someone like you to love me. Since him there has been no one but you."

I feel that is a treasure rare in a world of condoms and hotels and such. I have decided to carry it as mine to offer someone special someday, as long as I can. The flesh is weak, I know. But it gives me a goal. Few have such a gift to give. I don't even expect it from a new partner, if I find one willing someday. A love that trusts my heart and lets me trust them is gift enough for me.

I never understood before why we have to value ourselves. It is to have the gift of our true love and selves free to be ours to give. I have left those behind that used to have a claim on me. It was only earned by the time that passed, safely, while I loved the mate.

I am truely free to love where I please now. I see that as a gift given to me.