Would you like some of my tangerine?

Yes, it's really a song line. It's about meeting a new person. I have been thinking on that a lot lately. I don't just need someone to love me, I need someone to love. I miss caring for a special person and letting them know every day that I love them. It's hard to live without that.

I have gotten the house cleaned. The Sister, Mom and Best Girl have been running me around to look at vehicles. The insurance company is supposed to be sending money soon. Any second now. Right away. Yup. Waiting still.

I have been trying to decide what to get. I still think a VW Rabbit would be good. I feel like I need a vehicle that will move people, not stuff. I have all the stuff I want or need or feel a need to have so I should not be bringing any home. I can pull a bike on a trailer on almost any car. I guess I won't be getting another little truck. So what do I get? There is a Chevy Lumina available for a little more than I want to spend and a VW Jetta Diesel for more than I want to spend. I keep looking but nothing says "I'm your new ride" to me yet.

Yesterday I walked over to visit the neighbors and drop off a late gift then to the store for my mail. It was ok. I even enjoyed it. It was cold though. I remember all the miles I have walked in my life and I am glad I can walk now without pain. I also remember how nice it is to have the warm car to take me where I want to go. Like out to the store for cat food and milk. I have to go out for them today and will have to ask someone to take me.

I will be cutting up the jeans to start my quilt this year, I still have a day to work on it...LOL! I have wanted a denim and flannel quilt lined with old fashioned heavy cotton batting and backed with a fine cotton sheet for a long time. I think I not only have enough old jeans and shirts now but discovered, after giving away my treadle machine, that I have an old electric one that was in the attic all these years. I think it came with the house. That will keep my hands busy.

I am getting used to the clean, tidy home. It's annoying to me that I know where most stuff is and that I have time for housework but it really needed to be done at least once this decade. I am reading a lot of books and just ordered some more. I am almost done with the one the nephew gifted me. I like having time to read again.

I have the pool table cleared off and the stuff sorted into goes, gets sorted and trash piles there. It's chilly to work up there though and I keep putting it off. I want to get that done this weekend. Then I just have to figure out how to get the stuff on the porch out of here. I have the paint and a carpet for it and know where things are going, I just can't lift most of them alone. So I am waiting until I have hands and backs to help.

Waiting. I am doing a lot of that just now. Waiting to see what car I get, how much it will cost, if I will get called back to work, for a friend to spend time with, to find a partner in life again, to know what I am going to do next. I am waiting for all of that. It's ok. It's not my best thing, waiting, but I am learning to do it by staying busy.

I have Christmas to pack up, too. I have this thing I do every year where I get my files in order, pull the ones for taxes, file the stuff I have to keep, toss the old ones then clean the house, do the laundry and rearrange the place for the new year. It's like if it's all tidy on day one then it will stay that way all year. I try to bake a little something and make a nice meal that day, too. Christmas has to be put away and dusting done and anything I want to do next year out where I can do it easily, like the guitars and the sewing machine.

It is why I like to visit or call all my friends on the first day of the new year. To let them know I am thinking of them and they are important to me as I start my year out. It will keep me going for a few days and by then, with a little luck, I will have a car again.

My one resolution this year is to stop. When I am going by where a friend or family lives, don't think "I should stop", but do it. Spending my time with those I love is never time wasted. It always is enjoyed by both or all of us so I am going to do it. Just stop and say hi. I usually don't make resolutions but I thought I'd try one this year and see how it goes.

May all of you find joy in the new year and the love you need.

Power to the people

To post or not to post, that is always the question. Well, I told you I have been thinking a lot lately. Welcome to my twisty mind.

Generators. They create power we call electricity to cause a filiment to give off light. One generator will run more than one light. A big generator will run more lights than a small on. They use fuels to create this power.

Our spirits are generators.They create this power I know no other word for but Love and it causes other smaller or less aware spirits to give off Love. One spirit can power more than one love. The main generator powers us all. We are smaller generators but the power of the main generator is ours to use at any time we need it. The fuel to create this power is LOVE.

When you have only one generator you have to choose carefully what to hook into it. If you hook up too many things none of them will get enough power. This is the limit of human/physical love. It can only send out just so much love without feeling the need to get some Love back into it's own system to power it. It is why humans search for a way to recieve and give love to each other in a physical way. Without the love of the spirit in each of them it's the only way they know to create love for themselves.

Divine Love, the love of God, has no limit. When your spirit is powered by God's love you have an endless supply to share. Physical love is so enhanced by Spiritual love that it becomes a way to generate more love, not just a way to seek physical release. The Spiritual Love, the love our spirits have and give and show for each other, has no limit because our spirits draw power from the endless supply of the Divine Love God gives us. When we love with our perfect spirit, given to us to use from God, our love has no limits. We can use our spiritual love to power many other spirits as they seek the light of Love and seek to connect to the Divine Love of God.

Each spirit here is on the path back to the God that created it. The power to create the light to see the correct path is LOVE.

When you combine the power of two small generators they can power more things. Refridgerators, furnaces, and lights will all run from several small generators sending power together. They are creating the same kind of power and sending it to the same kind of places. If you can join several small generators together you get more power, enough to have extra power to share. Together - working together increases the output.

When two spirits join to create love more light shines on the path they travel and lights the path for others. By gathering together and dedicating the love you are creating to the Divine Love to use as it chooses you are creating more love for your spirit to draw on, giving more love for others to draw on when they have need of it and learning the purpose of the Divine Love.

The being many call God Loves your perfect spirit. God loves you as you are right now this minute. God's Divine Love needed you to be just the way you are doing what you are doing for a purpose you many never know. If you are generating true love from your spirit you are doing what you were put here to do. Those with a need for love will be drawn to you. Those with love to share will be drawn to you.

When you reach out to the Divine Love in truth and dedicate yourself to giving it away everywhere it is needed then you are becoming aware of what God does for you. God loves you with every bit of his/her (sorry, still don't think love, spirit or god has a gender, hate using him and need a new gender word) spirit. It is a love that wants only the best for your spirit.

To bring each soul to the place it reaches for a direct connection to the Divine Love of God is the path formed exactly for each of us. Some paths may seem happy and gay and others overly dark and dreary. It is not up to us what path others must walk to reach the Divine Love. What is up to us is to walk our own path with love. The love we shine on our path will also light the paths of those traveling near us. We can help each other see the way.

The Divine Love gathers up each of us as a treasure precious beyond explaination. It holds us dear and worth even its very self being sacrificed to show us that path is worthy of every pain and every hurt that it took for us to reach for the peace and power of the Divine Love it offers us.

In the dark and lonly hours of waiting alone as another suffers, in the pain of heart break and in the loss of a love dear to us lies our path to God. These are the times our spirit will finally see that we alone here on earth can do nothing for anyone we love. What we can do is call on the Divine Power of Love FOR them in their time of need, that they may find the path back to the peace that is theirs if only they will reach for it.

This is when we reach for each other, for those who love us here, for comfort, for support, for just being with us because they love us. That is why a child crys when it has a need. Humans have such limited spirits normally that they do not know when someone hurts unless they say so. A child cries for someone to help it past the hurt or to stop the hurt. Another comes when it cries out to see what is wrong and fix it. If there is no cry, no need is seen and the hurt continues.

It's why we have to say to another, "This hurts me." To seek help and comfort from those who love us. It's why we seek the Divine Love when we have such a hurt of spirit that no other love can help us. We seek comfort and aid from others who will share the love they have for us. We reach for the power of the Divine Love to find the way to peace and happiness again.

Love the Divine Love with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your spirit. Let the power of that love reach through you to light the way for others by showing them the love. Love your neighbor as yourself. Love yourself. You are both part of, created by and powered by the same Divine Love's spirit.

The image of God we are created in - perfectly - in is our spirit. Each of us has a perfect spirit. Every single living thing is part of the spirit of Divine Love. This is what we are here to do. Love one another. Just that. Love spiritually, love physically, love emotionally, love by giving and filling needs, love by holding and touching and love by praying and blessing. Love in anyway you can share it. It is the power we have been given. We only need to use it. To use it we have to be hooked in to the main generator.

It's hard to do this from a physical perspective. You have to do it with your spirit. Remember you are a spirit in a physical body. The body is not you anymore than the pot of dirt is the flower. The dirt feeds and nourishes the flower. The pot does not hold the flower. The space created in the shape of the pot holds the dirt, the pot only defines the the shape of the dirt that holds the flower. The flower is not the pot. The flower is not the dirt. They are all different things working together to create and support a life energy. Your life as you have lived it and your body as it is are only supporting and shaping your life energy, your spirit, the love that is you.

The smile you feel when you see beauty in plant or a kitten is an uplifting of spirit in you when you see something and recognize it is perfectly itself. It is not a zinnia trying to be a lily, it is just a zinnia. It is not a kitten trying to be a horse, it is just a kitten. They are what they are and strive for nothing else. The red zinnia can't be a yellow zinnia and the black iris cann't be a violet. They are what they are and it is beauty. They lift our spirit with their spirit of perfectly being their perfect selves.

The seed they came from is created and powered by the same love that is growing us. While each of us is unique, when we are perfectly ourselves, loving each life we come in contact with, we have the effect of uplifting those around us as they see the peace of spirit that comes from loving ourselves just the way we are. We are then beautiful regardless of the pot we are in or the dirt we have been nourished by or the water that fed us.

There you go. That's what came out of my study the last couple weeks. It's what I think about when I am looking for a car, trying to help a friend or just trying to find the joy in being here that I had before I lost my partner, the mate. I am trying to heal myself and move on in a joyful and correct manner. Or I'm off the deep end and will see you all when they let me out of the little padded room I will call home this year....LOL!

But I love you all.

Pennies from Heaven

I was putting some pennies into the jar I save them in and in even the dim light of a gray winter day one of them flashed copper bright in my hand. It occurred to me that to see something shine the light has to contact or connect with it in a certain way. With solid objects we only see the surface being lit but the material may warm all the way through in the light. We can not see the heat at such a low level, it is there, none the less.

The results of light shining through my crystals in the windows shows on a wall far from them as a piece of rainbow colors. When the light goes through my drinking glass it creates a reflection of the glass on my table top.

If the light is hitting you in the right way, you shine and are warmed by it. If the light is flowing through you the results may be far away but will still be visible. If you are as clear as glass the light will show you yourself. Even a black or dark vessel will shine and be reflected in the light.

Crystals, like humans, are grown with many facets. The light that shines through them is best when they are face on to the light and all of their facets let the light through. Standing sideways to the light or only letting part of ourselves be used by the light reduces the flow through us and the number of results that can be achieved by the light.

So we have to stand face on to the light of love. Let it shine on every part of you. Others will see the shine of love on you. When you let it flow through each facet of you the light of love is multiplied and sent to many places, even those far away that we are not aware of affecting.

Thank you for being there to share this neat thought with. I hate to have them and not share them.

I went for a walk on a winter's day

Got some sorting and burning done. Got the last paint on the upstairs door. Solved the drape in the dining room problem. The car is dead. Have to put the charger on it. IF I can find the cussed thing. No call, no problems, not really, just getting set up for bible study tonight. Trying to finish chairs with a fussy staple gun.

Had good time at sis's yesterday eating and napping then visited Bro1 and B1son and Bro1's lady for awhile. Took gift over for the Wandering Boy. Nice family.

I'm here. I'm doing. I'll be back. I have to walk up for the mail.

Going my way?

Holiday movies. That is one I watch every year. Holiday Inn is another. They played in the background tonight as I couldn't watch them. I had other things I wanted to do, like blog.

I asked for "no gifts, no dustables, just visits" for the holiday but some people just won't take your word for it. Some people just ride rough shod over your requests anyway. Some people just want to give a token of appreciation and some people just plain love to give gifts.

I so love my family. The #1son won't be told no gifts. I'm the Mom, I get a present. May all his days be filled with what he needs to be happy! His wife is the same and I so love the #1DIL! They gave me a SMALL gift of chocolate covered cranberries, a new one for me and yummy in dark dip, a shirt that says, "I'm blogging this." and a coffee warmer that runs off the computer. (works great, btw, boy and mate!)

The Cboy1 I had loaned a book to this year that means a lot to me. He bought me a newly published and expanded version! He really liked the book and I was so glad. I need to loan it out again! I have a friend I think might enjoy it and learn from it, too.

My favorite way to recharge myself is to make a fresh pot of coffee and curl up with a book and a box of candy. Between them all I have that to look forward to someday soon.

Nephew Cboy2 and his wife gave me a lovely photo of them and their sprung off girl on their new property. I so heart it. Cgirl and Chim gave me a shot of their growing group, too. I may not have mentioned I have been sorting through and framing family photos to do a family tree wall but am short some people I need. Vgirl and Vhe sent me a great one of them in my card. I am getting closer to getting it ready to layout. I want to keep the people I care about in front of my face so I remember to bless them for loving me and love them back. It will help them get the family sorted out some, too. They all cheered me with the pictures.

The Mom gave use a booklet that has a poem in it she found in the back of her grandmother's bible years ago. It applies to many people in our lives, from children to friends and I am putting it here for you all.

Again this year, the little ones played, more of us were able to be together, the Lions almost played a real game for a minute, the food was abundant and the gladness of being able to gather was shared by all. My grandgirl didn't scream when she saw me and ran to tell me goodbye with a willing heart. That was so sweet! There were yorkie puppies to hold and tiny horses to watch in the fields, good friends and family to catch up with, and we did decide to gift christmas to a family that needs it next year. With only one gift per family to get we should double the love we share and minimize the cost of gifting.

I took my son the guitar that was my father's to use for learning on. My father gave me his for the same reason. I gave the nephews and neieces that gave such moving tributes and worked so hard to help me this year photos of the mate and I together that KMA had and we didn't. They went to the rest of family, too, to remind them of the love that is ours always and can be theirs if they work at it, treasure it, and know it when they have it. I gave my mother a gift we will not mention here but that she wanted.

As I drove home I was overcome by the missing of my mate. He would have had a good time but would have probably left early because there were so many people in such a small area. When I went home he would have been there for me to tell my day's thoughts to. He would have had his own to share and they would have been valuable to me in that I couldn't think the way he did about people. We would have spent the rest of the day together and enjoyed just being back in our comfy space. There would have been "the love of the season" shared between us and tomorrow morning small gifts of love and treats and a home cooked breakfast shared.

But then there is this, and I have a road to walk and love to share here yet. The tears were done before I got back to the empty home. I am good here. I have the love around me of those I love and I will not dishonor it with wishing for more love. I have had so much love in my life it is just plain greed to wish for yet more. Still, the love of a mate is different from every other love we share here and I will watch for when I may be chosen to share such a precious gift again.

For those with miles and spaces and time between them I offer the gift from my mother.

MIZPAH

Go thou thy way, and I go mine,
Apart, yet not afar;
Only a thin veil hangs between
The pathways where we are.
And "God keep watch 'tween thee and me";
This is my prayer;
He looks thy way, He looketh mine,
And keeps us near.

I know not where thy road may lie,
Or which way mine will be;
If mine will lead thro' parching sands
And thine beside the sea;
Yet God keeps watch 'tween thee and me,
So never fear;
He holds thy hands, He claspeth mine,
And keeps us near.

Should wealth and fame perchance be thine,
And my lot lowly be,
Or you be sad and sorrowful,
And glory be for me,
Yet God keep watch 'tween thee and me;
Both be in His care;
One arm round thee and one round me
Will keep us near.

I sigh sometimes to see thy face,
But since this may not be,
I'll leave thee to the care of Him
Who cares for thee and me.
"I'll keep you both beneath my wings,"
This comforts, dear;
One wing o'er thee and one o'er me,
Will keep us near.

And though our paths be separate,
And thy way is not mine,
Yet coming to the Mercy seat,
My soul will meet with thine.
And "God keep watch 'tween thee and me,"
I'll whisper there.
He blesseth thee, He blesseth me,
And we are near.

JULIA A. BAKER

This fits right in with what I have been working on in my life. I will try to put it out here for you all soon.

Hugs to all my friends and visitors today.

Oh, Holy Night, the stars are brightly shining

We have to concentrate on the stars as we have no snow this year. The weather is really almost scary it has been so warm here. Most of the last two weeks have been in the forties. I'm not complaining but I wonder what new lows we will hit in January.

I got a lot done here yesterday but just before bed as I looked around my mostly clean house with the rugs washed and the bedding fresh and the other bedding clean already I remembered I am not here to do house work! I should have something better to do! I made a few calls but everyone was out on last minute errands I guess so I didn't go visiting after all.

KMA was at Mom's and then came over here. We had coffee, she brought cupcakes and I had cookies to nibble and we visited. That was fun. I gave her sister's gift for her and she loved it. I gave her my gift to her son and she liked that, too. She said, "I'm not doing gifts this year." I felt like she was uncomfortable with that. I told her, "I'm not, either". I explained that I had done for others this year when I could and she told about some holidays she and her boy made better for others, like we are again this year. We went on to other things.

Being me, my head went over this "no gifts" thing after she left. I wish I had said, "How can you say you gave me no gift? You came over twice, once moving a schedule work session to be here, to do my walls. They are solid and lovely because of your skills and the time you took to do them. It's a wonderful gift. You came to visit and helped me with the mouse problem. Do you think I don't know that time is all we have and it's precious? Thank you so much for caring enough to spend yours with me."

It's really all I want for a gift from my people now, their time. It's the gift I would rather give, my time. I want to visit and lend a hand or an ear or a smile to their days rather than send money or a card. It's going to be my one resolution this year, go and see my friends and family. Make the time to do it and remember time is all you have.

Yes, I want my newly face lifted house to look nice and be welcoming to my people but NO I am not going to get fussy about it. I am going to finish the laundry, wash up the few dishes, mop the floors because they really need it and then I am out of here! I have gifts to deliver and people to let know I care about them .

I got a nice gift from my son. He called and wants me to start coming over for guitar lessons. I am not qualified to teach, really. I am not that great a player. I can give him the basics though and show him how to read tabs, do some finger exercises and find him an instrument that fits him. It will be fun. Until I go back to work I will do Mondays with the #1son. That's a gift!

I care about all of you too, loyal readers and friends. This year's gift is a saying I really believe. I wish I could tell you what blog I found it on, but I can't. I have printed it out for many friends and family. I hope you will click on it and print it out to keep by you all year.

Merry Christmas! See you all Tuesday!

Oh how he swings back and forward in the saddle

I spent today with the Sis. We went shopping (shhhh...can't talk about that), she treated to lunch and then I watched her work a horse. He's been giving her some trouble as he thinks he's the boss. She hates that. I wanted to see if having someone else there pumped her up enough to get him working with her and not against her.

She uses whisperer methods and incorporates any non violent method that seems good to her. A crop or stick used as a weapon is a very last resort with her. I watched her when my hip was healing as she trained two untouched mini horses to pull a cart in less than an hour each. Today was just as fun. While there were reasons the big horse might have been less than cooperative before he did really well today, I thought.

I got to ride really slow on Coal Man, too. Actually she wouldn't let us loose, I am too out of shape. I did notice I still have a fair seat but with no thigh muscles to speak of it would be weeks before she cut me loose alone on her pride and joy. Here is a photo of him and a link to her website. He is worth a look, believe me!

Yesterday I got to know another neighbor. A few weeks ago I stopped at an estate sale in Thinks it's a Big City and on the way out I got talking with this guy and find out he and his wife live just two blocks from me. He fixes watches and clocks. I told him I wanted a wind up Timex and he says, I have one, come over. We exchange info and I wander off after the little animals. I will bet I have left here three times with the watches I wanted to give him in my pockets or actually wearing them to remind me to stop and still didn't get it done.

Last night I finally got over there. He was a really nice man and gave me three watches, I thought to choose from, but no, all three. He works by donations so I gave him what I had extra and told him I would give two of them as gifts. I now own a working wind up watch and even remembered to wind them all today! Yay! No more batteries! I like that. Lots.

So I get with the sis and tell her about him and ask if she has some watches for him to work on. Does she have any to get rid of? He donates his watches through the VFW to an orphanage in Michigan for the teens there. He is a Viet Nam Vet himself and did two tours in that place he will not read, speak or watch a movie about. He taught himself to do watches when he was laid up in the VA hospital. I learned a lot from just one visit. His lady was crashed on the couch so I didn't get to visit with her. She must have been really bushed as we had lights on and regular talking voices, not to mention talking to his cockatiel right by her head, LOL!

I am going to do this because I could tell he has to have something to keep busy. This man has pieces and parts and bands and watches he picks up, fixes and then donates or gives away if someone can't afford them. He likes old ones best, as do I, and he likes the old electrical ones with the battery sticking out on the back. He loves old pocket watches.

This man needs to keep his hands busy. It is part of how he copes with life. IF I gave you an address, do you have any old watchs you would send him? He works on donations. You could put a watch in a padded envelope addressed to him with a note on the problem, a money order or check in it for what ever it is worth to you and add a return address sticker. He could fix them and send them back in the same envelope. Do you have any watches you just don't want or need anymore? Same question. IF you will do this then just Email Me and I will send you his address.

It's just a neat thing to do. I had two watches to give him but got three for my money. Now I have two for gifts. The sis gave me a baggie full to have repaired and another of donations. I have a special one I am taking over for amusement purposes tomorrow. They were not home tonight. I can't wait to see what he says. He does clocks, too. I saw mantle clocks and what I call "wall bongers", they hang on the wall but bong like a grandfather clock. I think Mom has one that needs fixed. He said usually they are just dirty.

I just want to give this man a boost. I thought I would ask if you all would help. Even you lurkers that never comment might be able to send a watch for him to fix and return or fix and donate.

Anyway, I got a new phone tonight. One of those pay as you go cell phones. I only use it when I am on the road or broke down but this one may actually ring into the house. The nephew had one that worked right here at the table! I live in a dead zone for most cell service, that is why I haven't gone to a plan. I gave my first phone to my mom and it's not working for her too well so I think I will give her my other one with minutes on it for her birthday, way early. I will take back the one she is having trouble with and pass it on to someone who needs it.

I haven't opened mine yet. I just know it will be a "read this, punch that, put in this outrageously long number, call here, tell it this, say your name" mess that I wasn't ready to deal with tonight. The good news is that I can hook into the Bro1 and B1son walkie talkie thing. That will be fun.

I have a counter full of boring cookies to put away. I copped out and did them sis's way tonight to get them made. I have a dryer full of 300 count Egyptian Cotton Sheets!!! (wow, and thanks to the Eldest who reads here sometimes!) to put on the bed and a sink of dishes to do. Tomorrow I am going to clean house. Not paint, not wallpaper, just clean. What a concept. What is not finished I will be getting to as I feel like it. I really want to finish the play room upstairs so the kids can use it more easily.

I have a few cards to write and some thank yous to get around and send. I want to get some more stuff out of the living area and into my bedroom. Like the printer and stand. I have a place to move it but haven't figured out the wiring part yet. Thinking.

I spent some time visiting with a friend in Small Town yesterday. He and I get pretty deeply into our spiritual discoveries and beliefs. We are finding so many things we think the same on he sometimes spooks me. I will have gone over it with the mom and sis and tried to explain it and he just already has it figured the same way I have tried to express.

I am back to trying to stay busy and one thing I know is I am better off around people right now even if I just sit and watch them. I have chores to do here tomorrow though. I am still waiting on the insurance company so a vehicle is still on hold.

Gotta go now. More later friends.

Slowly I turned, step by step, inch by inch

OK, it's not a song title. Tell me what it is then!

I'm feeling a little bogged down lately. Not moving much or fast. I got a few things done today because it's bible study Tuesday and I like to at least tidy up a bit for my ladies. Not much, but a little. I have a load in the washer that I put in part of about ten this morning but I haven't started it yet (eleven at night) because I have to add one or two more things from the basket and I haven't gone to dig them out yet. That kind of bogged down. Moving slow. And I just realized I have one smoke left so I have to run to town. That does not rock.

I got the house picked up and had dishes in to soak when the Sis got here bearing cookie dough because I said I wanted to decorate cookies. She thought that meant put plain icing on them . I like to fuss with them. It's fun, creative and should be done to xmas music. With dishes in the sink and soup to make I wasn't ready for it. We go for plain and save some dough for later.

Sis started wrapping gifts for our two girls. I stuck a finger in, taped an edge then I got on line to get a banana bread receipe. I got the oysters out, Sis started her chowder and I threw the oyster stew together. The phone rang, Best Girl trying to get in touch with Mom. Sis was whipping out cookies now and mashed some bananas for me. I stirred the soups. The phone rang, Cousin K! She is shopping with the mom and they will be late. OK. Shy Girl got here and started working the dishes I had half done, I got on the banana bread. Sis stirred the soups. Shy Girl moved to making cookies with Sis, I put tags on the packages and addressed them, went back to butter the bread pans. Shy Girl washed more dishes, Sis iced the cookies that were out and put another load in and we moved the presents to the living room. I stirred the soups. I started my bread and Shy Girl helped Sis finish icing the hot cookies, I got the bread in the oven and stirred the soups.

That's really how it goes here, all disconnected and disjointed but everything gets done. I finished up wrapping a small gift for Mom and Shy Girl started reading to us while we picked up a little. Mom and Cousin Kay who is back from Florida to visit for the holidays got there to warm cookies and hot soup. Mom got the bowls out, Shy Girl grabbed the spoons, I dug out napkins, Sis got the stuff stacked around the bread and cookies and we blessed it and ate after I grabbed the crackers. Desert was cookies, yummy ones.

It was a good study but slow as I wanted to know what the words really mean. Strong's Concordence helps a lot. Mom had to run and Cousin Kay had to go to the next town to be returned home so they got going shortly after Shy Girl left. Sis and I talked a while then we got her loaded up and on the road. My kitchen looks like I just pulled out all the cupboards and baked three things. The mixer is still out, the icing sugar and icing in a bowl, the papers for cooling cookies as I still have half a batch of dough to bake, two loaves of banana bread with black walnuts in them sit cooled on the counter and I think I just heard my mouse trap go off. That hasn't happened in a week or three.

I am just going to leave it all here and sneak the little car up to the gas station to grab a pack of smokes and then come home, start the wash, put the bread away, load the red, fuzzy stockings (I forgot them, they and their stuffing are on the counter, too) for the little girls, do the dishes while the oven preheats and then bake the rest of the cookies.

I just lit my last smoke. I have had a running fleece that is "if I run out of smokes it's time to move". I am hoping this is an error on my part and not my fleece kicking in. I don't know where I would go if I did move and I just got this place mostly straightened out. I have had a couple close calls the last few weeks while I am laid off but never ran all the way out. Now I am. It gives me another option to think about. This really is too much house and I could do with a smaller place with less lawn and one garage, not two and a planting/dog shed. I don't know how I can make it work and I don't think it will happen too soon but maybe I had better start looking for a smaller house.

I have decided I am looking for a smaller car, reliable and economical but will seat two grands and carry their bags. Still thinking VW Rabbit as the one I ran for four or five years Dad sold me was just right for one but could carry more. I saw a mini Cooper I liked but a deer would totally total it. Don't know yet. I sent the estimate the same day I sent the photos, all by email but got a letter asking for an estimate yesterday. Now that cranked my trigger! I called and got it straightened out but it means a week wasted waiting for the insurance company. I should have just gone and got a runs good! Arrrrggh.

I just put out the final smoke, I better get going. I have a ton to do when I get back.

Hear me roar

Not only do you take for granted that your car will operate properly but you forget what it's like to NOT go when you want to go. I don't want to use the wonderful nephew's car if I don't have to so things are on a "Do I really need to make this trip?" basis. The results were two days spent home that I might have gone visiting or to get groceries but the trips were not really necessary. I felt sort of stuck. I can get the mail and walk around town but I can't get gas here or visit too many people this time of night, when I am most into visiting. I feel like a teen again. Mom, can I borrow the car?

Luckily for me, she says yes a lot or is willing to drive. I had a wonderful afternoon and evening. I know for many people moms are just that "Mom". They are only there to love and support us or holler because we can't do anything right and clean your ROOM! Probably very few of us get to appreciate our parents of either sex for what they really are - people that were here and screwed up before us so they can help us miss the biggest potholes in the road. I was lucky enough to get a chance to really know my mom.

The key word above is "people". My mom and I are related and my Mom and I are friends. We fight sometimes, we believe differently in almost every aspect of life. She is "pro life" and I am not sure why having a choice makes me "pro abortion". I don't think it does. I am against aborting fetuses. I am very against telling anyone what to do for their situation. Let them choose. We could go around all day on that one. Don't even start with politics, She and I are totally opposite. Religion we are closer on but still have to tread lightly and agree to disagree.

I totally respect my mom for she tries very hard to live her beliefs. I like my mom because she likes me back. I enjoy time with her and I am very aware she is supposed to be next in line to join the mate, darn it. While we don't share everything you'd have to go some to tell her something she hasn't had to deal with in one way or another over the years. She's experienced. She cares about others and she loves kids and cats. She didn't kill her own young, either, and she had reason for offing us many times as we grew up.

My Eldest Daughter was in the area and would be seeing the #1DIL and grandgirl. I called mom yesterday to see if she wanted to do dinner with all of us tonight. Silly question. Then we decided we had to make a stop or two so we left early this afternoon to make sure we would be on time. It's a standard joke that she and I are usually racing for last to arrive at family stuff. This once we planned ahead. It worked.

Mom helped me load the things I had for the kids in the car. She took me up to get the mail and my packages had come from my Ebay brain fart the other day. I forgot to mention it. I loaded one in the trunk and one on my lap to check out for the grandgirl.

We drove off into one of those days that don't know if they are going to snow, rain or break out in full sun. There were dark, thick cloud banks with the sun peeking out now and then, drizzle sometimes, then blinding sun on the horizon. We talked about what we needed to pick up, what I want in a car and how I am such a difficult human, the kids and how they are doing, how nice it was that the Eldest would be here and generally just yacked.

We stopped for gas, I pumped while she paid. We hit a store to get her photos and I picked up something for the #1DIL that just had her name all over it. We took the scenic route to the next town over for our dinner. Mom dropped me to get a table and went to do a little shopping. We were in place and on time. Wow! Then I find out my nice eatery has gone non smoking on weekends. Crap. I reserved us a table and went out to pout and smoke until the mom returned and the kids arrived. It was so cold even a stubborn old bitch like me had to give up and go inside finally. Mom was right behind me.

We went to our table, got beverages and waited, congratulating ourselves on being there first. It was very crowded and busy. Now we wouldn't have to wait for a table. But the kids didn't show. I went out to watch for them in case they were not sure where it was. I went back in and got mom's cell, it doesn't work on roaming, crap. I go back in and use the phone and finally, at 45 minutes after we were supposed to meet, I get ahold of them. Fifteen minutes later the kids were there and all was right with the world.

The Eldest had tried to call but we had left so early it was too late to connect. She wanted to miss the worst of the traffic by eating later. It made sense but we had a serious failure to communicate. No blood, no foul though so we all got around and ordered. The grandgirl was being cute but got tired before we were done. I had a tin of M&M and peanuts for her to munch, she seemed to like them.

The Eldest looked good, happy and content. The #1DIL was also looking good but looked tired, she works and minds grandgirl while her mate is on the road. It wears on you sometimes. We talked about work and family and friends and took some pictures. I hate having my picture taken but I wanted one of all of us. It's four generations of women with the grand there.

The food was good, the night was over too fast and it was time to roll. I swapped my stuff into the kid's car to send home with them and then we all hugged one more time and headed for the home, house, hotel or whatever we had waiting for us.

My town grama, Mom's mother, had to go live with family members that didn't even want her because of the depression. She met my grampa, married in her early twenties and had three kids. She worked at the silk mills where we grew up. One boy went in the Navy and on to college, one went on a spiritual quest and her girl dropped out of school, in love with a local boy.

Mom married at seventeen and finished her high school when I was in seventh grade. She had five kids and is not insane. She worked most of her adult life. It meant driving an hour or better round trip, car pooling, and not being home until we had been there a couple hours. She lost her son when he was 12 to a bicycle/truck accident. Her husband divorced her for another woman. Her parents died. She was single ten years before she met the step dad and lived happily ever after until he passed from MS five years ago. She is single again. All her girls are self supporting and have raised their kids to be the same.

I had my first child at seventeen, had my GED before my class graduated, got a job as soon as the baby could stay with a sitter, worked as the only woman in a warehouse running a fork lift. I had three kids and three husbands and worked all of my life, from the time I was 12. I needed help raising my kids and the family was there for me. I got my feet back under me just in time for the kids to be teens. I love my kids. I am a friend to them now, I hope, and a Mom when they need one.

The daughter made it through high school and put herself through college but has no degree, just lots of education. She is single by choice, has no children and has a job she loves now. She owns her own home and keeps a car running. She has many other talents.

The #1DIL did the same with college and has her degree but is not using it yet. It's there when she needs it later. The grandgirl can barely run a crayon yet but already shows promise in being able to get her way unless you really distract her well. (Her father, my #1Son, is a truck driver with the ability to build computers from scratch and install all the software then run it but there is no work for that skill right now. He's taking care of business anyway, not bemoaning his fate.)

The Best Girl was with me in spirit and so was her sister, Scooter Girl. They are both taking care of two boys each and loving their men. Their boys are polite to their elders and considerate. They both have gotten their GED's and both are paying their own way in this world. They work hard, long hours to keep things together for their families.

My great grama had four kids. When her husband told her the neighbors couldn't use his horses on a Sunday and he needed them the rest of the days she hitched the team one Sunday morning, drove over and plowed the neighbors fields for them, drove back and put the team away. You never hear the rest of that story. I always wondered how that sat with her man. But the neighbor hand crafted her an oak clover leaf table with curved legs and a second, smaller shelf under it. The edge is all hand carved half rounds. It's beautiful, square, and level to this day. It was a thank you gift from them to her.

It passed to me when Mom and Dad broke up house keeping. I was proud to own it because of the story with it and I will be proud to pass it to my daughter and from her to the grand girl. It stands for what women have always done in this world - try and raise their family and take care of others at the same time.

We are that kind of women. Not perfect, not beauty queens, but when we think it's the right thing to do we don't sit around and wait for someone to do it, we get it done. We take care of ourselves and each other. We are women building the future. We are workers, lovers, friends and family. We are just doing our job. We are Moms. I can't imagine a better group to have at your back. To all my family, stand tall. You have the right stuff. I'm proud of you.

It's the little old lady from Pasadena

I'm still looking for a vehicle and waiting to hear from the insurance company. That's right. I found out I had comprehensive on the white truck. I let the lady at the desk talk me into it when I was switching the insurance around after the mate died. For the first time in my entire life an insurance company is going to pay me money. It means I have a larger budget for a vehicle and that I won't have to scrape the bottom of the barrel to get one that is paid off. Talk about your "I don't believe it" happenings!

The kids will get to keep the hulk I gave them to try an fix up and I get new wheels. That was the great news. The question is, what kind? I liked my Rabbit deisel but I try to buy american. I loved my little truck but for hauling people it was lousy. I don't really need to be able to haul anything but a motorcycle sometimes now and anything with a hitch and a small trailer can do that. I need economical and reliable. I hate automatic everything. I like a stick. There is almost nothing out there that isn't front wheel drive. ARRRGGGHH! I hate change! I hate shopping! I hate getting stuck in the snow. I live in snow country.

I called everyone I know to let them know I'm looking but so far nothing has floated to the top from networking. And the prices! WOW, am I out of the loop on cars.

There is more good news. I finished painting the steps to the upstairs. I have the attic to sort but have gotten a lot of it done. If I iron the curtains in the dining room, put up the shade there and in the kitchen, mom gets the kitchen curtain done for me, I get my bedroom straightened out and then clean heavy once, it's done. Except the, bless it's junk gathering ways, back porch. It's a short list and I still need trim for the hall but wow people, it's so close! And I forgot the three chairs I have to recover. The one I did looks so nice I think I will get that done tonight.

I spent one day going through and framing pictures. I am waiting on neices and nephews to get me five by sevens of them and families and my kids to do the same. I don't have current photos of any of them. That leaves me eight photos short of getting them all framed. Then we play "Wall layout" on the floor in the living room until I am happy with it and pick a wall to bury with them all. I have a lot of family.

It's really all good here. I just have to keep saying that. I was so sad last night I made a pan of cinnimon rolls and ate them all after a spagetti dinner. I hate when I do that. I need to find another way to make myself feel pleasure. (Yes, that would be part of what I mean)

I am short my very favorite person to spend time with and I have time to spend. I am trying to visit more people and stay busy but sometimes I just fall into the blues hard, still. We are all so aware of the big hole where the mate should be that we all feel the lack even more when we are together. It's a rough spot we just have to live through and remember he wanted us happy.

I want us happy, too. I hope the kids enjoy the holiday from school, that the grown kids enjoy the love of the season and being together and that we all remember to count our blessings.

My pappy said, Son, yur gonna drive me to drinkin

I spent Saturday running around with the mom looking at car lots for a vehicle I could stand to own. I remembered I hate power locks, power windows and the chance of the battery going dead. I don't want my car to talk to me unless it's Houston calling and we have a problem. If I am not going to the moon then why do I need all those buttons and levers? I just want a car or truck that starts and stops when I tell it to and won't let me freeze to death in the winter. I like rear wheel drive and a stick shift. I like to use as little gas as possible and like a diesel engine.

I learned I am out of touch with the world - AGAIN! They want you to turn your car on when you are not in it, for pete's sake! You can unlock it without even knowing who is standing beside it waiting for you to open the darn thing. You can play music loud enough to go deef and there is still no voice that says, "You neglected to use your turn signal". Now that would be something I'd like a car to say.

I looked at Jetta's and new trucks and old cars and hit two towns of car lots with nothing jumping up and saying "buy me"! I really hate shopping for cars. I think guys like car hunting more than I do. It makes me miss having a man here to turn to. I could have said, "I really need an economical vehicle with some ground clearance for the winters and just enough power to tow a trailer with a motorcycle on it", cut the man loose with a price limit and he would be back in two days with three to choose from. Problem solved.

The other thing I was reminded forcefully of is how easily we forget how spoiled we are. The nephew, B1son, is going to let me use/buy his car that was parked. The driver's door does not open on the outside and the window only goes down about an inch before it falls off the track. The back door on the same side has never opened. The trunk opens with a keyhole saw. The head lights are so far from right that they are one under the other less than 15 feet out from the car in the center of the lane on dim and on bright only one changes to slightly further out. The speedometer is off by 10 MPH low. If you dim the dash lights they will stay on after the key is off and run the battery down. It gets less than 25 mpg. I don't think the radio works, either. If it did you couldn't hear it over the non muffling muffler.

It is very welcomed in my driveway and his kindness much appreciated. I will even consider buying it if nothing else comes up as it would be paid for and that counts for a lot with me. The repairs would be a few hundred. It runs well and drives well aside from the glitches I listed.

I have had my sweet little truck six years and planned on four or five more though and I really want to spoil me some more with a decent running vehicle.

Best Girl came over yesterday and we got the rest of the wallpaper up on the upstairs hall. I am down to painting the steps, half each, today and then putting the rest on in two days of being done upstairs except for sorting the crafts out and removing the excess. Then it's just clear off and paint the back porch and darn if I am not done on the house. Wow.

The nephew helped some too yesterday and was kind enough to take the trash out for me. We watched the Lions game and that hurt. Bag stays on.

So that's the news today. I'll catch you all out there later. Have to go paint now!

I've got a shotgun, a rifle and a four wheel drive

and a country girl can survive. But I am short a truck.

I hit a deer for the first time in my life tonight. I saw several deer in the field to my right and was watching to see if they were headed for the road. The white truck is a stick shift so I had just put the clutch in to slow down a little more and WHAM! All I saw was nose to tail across the front end of the truck. I would have liked to stop but I knew I was missing pieces and the most likely one was the radiator. I would be overheating shortly. If I stopped I would have to turn the truck off, (not an automatic, not level road) and I didn't know if it would start again. I couldn't move the deer by myself anyway.

It was just past sunset but I could still see some so I hit the emergency flashers, they worked on the rear, and drove carefully on my way to meet Mom at a birthday party for a friend of ours. It was three miles there or nine to go home and I didn't think I could make nine miles. I honked to let people know I was there and drove with no lights - very carefully.

When I got parked and looked at the poor thing the grill was gone or in the radiator, one turn signal still hung by it's wiring and the bumper was ok but all the rest of the lights were gone and the hood was bent and probably sprung. I had just gotten things to where I felt good helping for the holidays and I had, perhaps, been a little generous but now, a month after I sold Little Red, I am going to need a new set of wheels.

It makes me wonder why I need them - do I need more seating space? more cargo space? a camper on the back and a trailer? Now I am curious to see what pops up when I go tomorrow to look for something to drive. Or am I staying home for awhile? hmmm....the possibilities!

I called the Best Girl's Mate, the SIL, and gave it to him to deal with. He fixes cars well and can probably salvage it for the grandson to drive. I only have basic coverage on it, that I just paid six months on last month, darn it. It was paid off, too. Poop.

I still have to say, the deer didn't come over the hood and into the cab. I didn't lose control of my truck. The engine sounded fine, never a hitch so that should be good anyway. I had a place close to go to and get help. The house didn't burn down and I didn't kill anyone. Aside from the fact that I had to leave the deer and waste the meat and heard some idjit ran over it again so it's no good to anyone, I got off pretty light.

Know anyone with a diesel Jetta or Rabbit for sale in Michigan? Or another little S-10 Chevy would be ok, too.

I hate shopping.

Hey it's good to be back home again

Tuesday my friend, Saur, wrote her views on giving and charity. The comments were interesting and I got way too long on mine so am posting it here.

I rarely give to large charities. I think they spend more on overhead than on the needy. I start with charity at home, helping the kids, the sister's kids and the mom or grandmas out. What is extra I give to people I know will use it as I ask, the local family violence shelter is a favorite as they use the money my way - for the kids. The grown ups got into the mess they are in, the kids get dragged along. I hate that. I gave to them for the holidays and I am doing my little girl this year, too. I give what I feel is right, what is done with it is that persons decision. I don't fret the small stuff.

I was on the street and pregnant once. I had a place to sleep but if not for the spare change of strangers I would not have been able to keep it. My husband was a loser and I was too pg to get a job. I spent most of it went to rent and food. The husband took the rest.

Even if they are buying drugs it brings them what they define as happiness. While I don't want to see them strung out I don't want them hungry either. The Homeless Guy has good guidelines on giving to the homeless on his blog.

I will be the first to say that there should be limits to giving. Perhaps what I mean is limits to "bailing out". My second serious relationship and my second husband had one thing in common. Their family; Mom, brother, Dad, sis or whoever, NEVER let the suffer the consequences of their problem spending. If they were short on food, food arrived. Ran out of gas? Gas money cometh. Need new jeans, here pick up a pair. No, don't worry about it, just get some decent clothes. I'll catch you later. The family bailed them out of everything.

This is a bad situation. No, I don't want my kids to sleep in their cars but they have to learn to pay the rent. I have told them, showed them and taught them. If they choose to mis-spend their funds they have to deal with the consequences.

I have helped my kids, most of them, over one hump or other in their lives financially. I will do so in the future. Not one of them takes it for granted that I will always be able to help. I have had to say no some times. They do not expect me to always get them over the problems they have, they do know that if I can help I will in most cases.

I will not give them money for laptops or toys when they need to pay the bills. I will not leave them hungry when the money doesn't stretch but I know they are trying to make ends meet. It's a hard line to walk.

Both of the men I had with loving, caring families would have been better for learning that if the milk is gone you do without until payday.

The people on the streets, for whatever reasons they are there, are in too deep to get themselves back out. Depression, fear, abuse, mental illness, drugs and just plain broke and can't get a job are all made more difficult to escape from when you have no shower, no proper rest, no neat clothes to wear to an interview. Even a temp service has some standards and most homeless people can't meet them without help.

I can do little here to help but what I can do I have and will continue to. For me, keeping kids in school is one way to keep them from ending up on the street because "No one understood me at home and I couldn't live there anymore".

What do you all think?

Oh those golden slippers

I got my unemployment check the other day. It's not as much as if I was working but if I am careful it will stretch for the bills and such. The money from selling little red truck will help out, too, to get my safety margin back in place. While I am back on a real budget I don't feel broke.

When I was cleaning out the attic one of the many note books we have filled up and I have kept over the years surfaced. I had broken down the bills and income on a list there. It reminded me how far we have come. I am not even close to broke. In one note the mate left me five dollars for pocket money for the week and I was worried he needed it for gas to get to work. Even then we didn't feel poor or broke because we had what we needed and some left over, but it was tight.

I would like to suggest you do your family a favor that will last for the years ahead better than a batch of cookies. Start a notebook like we had. With jobs and teens and school and friends and family something was always coming up "off the schedule". Kids so hate "reporting in" or asking to go somewhere. We had a hard time making them understand that letting people know where you are is a roommate courtesy, not a parent rule. We both hated having loud conflicts and got tired of fighting with them. There was never pen or a paper to leave a note. They hated calling home from a friends. We didn't have an answering machine back then. It was a total hassle.

I finally got wise. To show them that we liked to know where the other was, and it was not just them we needed to be able to find, I started leaving a spiral notebook with a pen tied to the wire on the table in the dining room. Bill would leave me a note if he was going to a friend's place after work. I would leave a line that told him I had to stop for groceries and would be late. The girls finally got to where they would leave a note that they would be going to the library after school and such. I lost all those note books and my journals in the fire in '88. I kept the habit of a notebook, however and put together a new one and filed the old ones as we went on.

I have notes from people watching the animals, my sister, nephews and nieces, the kids, the grands and the mate. When he was working days, going to school and working second shift the days he had school we only had the notes to keep in touch. I worked, too and we just didn't even see each other except to sleep. It was a hard time for us. We wrote loving, wistful notes of encouragement to each other.

Now, I can read back and the notes are love on a page. I have times the boy didn't do chores, times the boy did chores, times the girls had places to go, lunches and dinners I had made for the mate and times he would do errands so I could sleep, budgets, shopping lists, requests for help, thanks from people, times the boy I tutored watched the animals for us, lists of his assignments for the day and notes from his Mom on when she would get him. Memories brought to life again from a few lines scribbled in haste on a page of paper.

The kids didn't fight using it and we finally could all find each other in an emergency. There was less stress all around and now it's like a family daily history. I know how I treasure each line in there and, for the holiday, would like to suggest to each of you still raising a family, that you start one. It may be the best gift I can give you. For the cost of a dollar notebook and pen you can have a record of your family and how it changed over the years. I have one still but it gets much less use now that I am mostly alone.

I shopped for my little girl, she is three this year and I will call her Minx here. I got practical gifts. I hate that for the holiday but it's what she needs. I did toss in two toys and there will be some candy, of course, but it got me thinking.

I bought two stockings, one for each of the girls so they would be the same. As we got older we hung our stockings at the end of the beds and they were the first thing we opened. There was always a tangerine or an orange in the toe, some nuts and loose candy, a candy cane and, usually, a small toy or two. One year my sister thought she would be smart and put up a pair of panty hose so she would get more gifts. It didn't work but it looked funny hanging there and made us laugh a lot as she reached for miles to get her presents out.

When my kids were little I put the tangerine or orange in the toe, the candy cane, a banana, some nuts, a box of rasins and then a small slinky and silly putty one year. Another I put cheap kalidascopes and socks so they got socks in their stockings.

When the mate and I got together his tradition included a box of chocolate covered cherries. I had to get fairly good sized stockings for us. And I was Santa. Each year I would get the fruit, candy and small gifts for the stockings and stuff them after he was asleep. I always remembered his cherries. He would nibble at them all day while he watched parades and games on tv.

It seems like everywhere I have gone the last two weeks that the cherries are right up front. It's made it hard to go shopping for anything, even groceries. I have no reason to stuff a stocking this year, either, except tradition. I don't know if I will or if I will just set out a bowl of fruit, nuts and candies to munch this year.

But that isn't the burning question of the day. It was strange to have a new tradition for the stockings. That box of cherries messed up my whole plan of how to stuff a stocking and took me awhile to get used to. I loved the white nougat candy with the red and green bits in them and green spearmint leaves. I had to limit them to get the tangerine in the toe and fit in the box of cherry candy.

While you always know others do things differently it's one of those things you never remember to ask about. So please, blog it and leave me a link in the comments or just write in the comments - What was in your stocking? What was your favorite thing to find in your stocking? Or, like dutch boys and girls, did you use a shoe? Or something else or nothing at all?

It's beginniing to look a lot like Christmas

at least in the living room and outside.

I just coasted to a stop on the house. I still have one wall to paper in the upstairs hall and the steps to paint then the trim to make and put up. I need to hang and rehang all the biker photos and posters in the spare room. I decided that around here that this is ambisexual decorating - our males and females ride, LOL!

I priced trim for the hall. I wanted black, white and grey to go with the marbled wallpaper. The stuff I found that I could live with had to be ordered and cost about 1.12 a foot. I decided to do photos of the kids and family in black bordered 4" squares alternated with a black and white paisley panel then cut and hang it like trim. The ink is cheaper than the store bought stuff. It will be fun to put together, too.

I have been sorting out the Christmas stuff from the attic instead of painting or wallpapering. I decided the easiest way to do it was to set up what I was going to keep and box the rest to give away.

The mate was the one who always enjoyed Christmas. We had a small fiber optic tree that he really enjoyed. The first time he saw them he had to have one. I would hang a few small ornaments on it but we usually just enjoyed the light show. It was easy to store and set up and that was a plus in my book. He would get the tree out and then sit there and stare at it until I "telepathically" realized I needed to get the rest of the ornaments out and arranged for the season. I would add the mistletoe ball and some tinsel, put up the cards we received on display and call it good. With cats and little kids we kept it minimal.

We had the tree in a big box that the star on top stuck out of. I took it downstairs first as it would clear a trail for me. I set it up, plugged it in and no light show. Crap. I took it apart and disassembled the base. I figured out how to get the light out and put it by my coat for a trip to the store. It had never done that before and worked when we put it away. It's just one more thing that broke because the mate isn't here.

Then the power went out so I didn't need it to work anyway. I knew it would because we were having an ice storm and we always lose power during them. I realized I had still not replaced the propane lantern I use for portable heat and light that was broken when the kids were moving stuff in and out of the back porch. I also realized my best flashlight was about dead and I didn't have back up batteries. So what do we do for fun in an ice storm? Drive the 22 miles to the store with the lowest prices.

I got around and found everything I needed, laid it out and got dressed. I warmed the truck up after I found the lock deicer and got the key to work. When I could break the ice off the windows I cleaned up the truck mirrors and got on the road.

It was slush when I left. We had ice in the morning and snow in the early afternoon. The side roads were bad but the main roads were mostly clear, just a little slippery. I made a safe trip.

I hate the big stores. Thinks it's a big City just got two new ones this year and they replaced the smaller ones I knew my way around in. If I wanted to take a twenty mile hike I would do it out in the fresh air and enjoy it. I hate walking two miles to get dog food and a gallon of milk! I normally shop the smaller stores to avoid the hike. It's worth the higher price to me to not have to wander around lost for an hour.

I found the light I needed for the tree. It wasn't with the christmas tree lights like the rest of them were, it was in the regular light bulb aisle. (one mile) I found the propane lantern in sporting goods (quarter mile) The propane was in another aisle. (around the block). Batteries? Up front. (two miles). I picked up extra green fake pine garland for the front porch. I grabbed a string of colored lights for over the bookcase with garland. I picked up some other things, grabbed a book to read with the power out and headed for check out.

Wait in line, watch the short people pestering their parents, see the line grow behind me as the one in front of me shortens. La, la, la.... My turn! No check book. No credit card. No ATM card. Nada. I had some cash in my pocket, I had grabbed all I had to get gas. The station I use doesn't take checks. When I sorted out what I had to have because the power was out from what I only wanted it came to exactly the amount in my pocket.

Now the people behind me are getting cranky. I ask the clerk to put my stuff in a cart, explaining I have to drive a half hour, heat the house and then come back so it will be a couple hours but I will return rather than have to do twenty miles again to find it all. They agree and I head home hearing the mate cussing at me because he hates when I do that - leave without the ID and check book. He hated being noticed in public. He just wanted in and out and no fuss.

I got home and the power was on. The phone rang. I got off the phone and decided to store the lantern and propane inside in the basement instead of in the garage. I put it away and put the rest of the stuff away, decided I should check the email while I had power. Got around to go and the phone rang again. Had to let my friend talk. Finally got out the door again about nine thirty.

I needed one more thing so when I got there I had to get the cart and go find the lamp oil, unscented. Now it wasn't in the Christmas stuff but in the for crying out loud lamp aisle... no oil lamps there, just electric. I finally found it and headed back up to check out. I ended up behind two families doing their shopping for the season. Waiting. Another lane opens. I check the people behind me and they are hesitating so I change lanes first.

Now, after all this fussing and delay and such I am finally on my way out the door to go home. Almost to the door when it opens and a kid I grew up down the road from walks in. I hate him on sight. He looks just like his high school self but has a touch of grey in his sideburns. A really cutie, too. We greet each other and I ask the obligatory, "How are you doing?"

"The doctor told me that in two or three months - when I can't stand the pain and think about eating a bullet - that I should come back and he will take my leg off below the knee," he says.

Wow. I remember feeling like that. I can't say "Fine.", the require response, I say, "Not bad considering my house burned down." "Not bad considering the mate died." It's what I call a "social nervous break down". You can't just make small talk. I think it is because you are so unable to deal with your problem on your own that you advertise it to everyone hoping someone can help you deal with it. It's a little like being in shock. He has a tick in one cheek. Nerves.

I know where this kid's head is at in a deep breath. I ask how it happened and he told me. That gave me time to think. I told him of a friend of mine to go talk to that has been without one leg from the knee down from an accident for years. I tell him he is a biker and an electrician who was just at my house climbing ladders to put lights up for me and that he even wears shorts. We don't notice because he doesn't notice. The Leg is a leg, just plastic. I tell him that I lost my mate and that I spent two months or more just trying to stay on the planet. Suicide is no joke to me and if he needs to talk come over.

He says he might. I think he means it. I think he wants to meet my friend. All this in five minutes as he has to pick up his wife from work at THAT store. Where I would not have been during that weather except for a long string of circumstances. I haven't seen this guy since high school. We have lived in the same general 10 mile area for years and never come across each other. Until there was a need.

It just felt really spooky. Way too manipulated. I can only hope I helped him start thinking it might be do-able. That he won't take himself out from the pain or the fear of not being a man with a leg of plastic. I think I will call him and set up a meet, if he wants to. I feel like it is the thing to do.

So even when I am just doing things I think are for me love puts me where others who have needs can find me. The sis calls them Love appointments. The mom calls them God appointments. I call them spooky. I had that check book right by my keys the first trip and didn't even realize I hadn't picked it up. I was sure I had it in the inside pocket.

I drove carefully home again and put my stuff away, got the tree fixed, filled the oil lamps and stored the batteries in the basement with the lantern.

With the first Christmas coming that the mate isn't sharing with me in twenty years my life isn't so bad, not really. I have to count my blessings again and that is never a bad thing. Number one on my list will always be that I had twenty years of joy with a man I loved that loved me back. Number two is family and friends. All the rest is gravy.

I would have enjoyed talking this over with the mate. I miss him. I put Christmas up early this year in his memory. I only hope the others who love him will find the love and joy of the season comforting their sad hearts. May the holiday be easy for all of you. I'm not through it yet but I feel like this was a good beginning.