Ya load sixteen tons what do you get?

I got home last night to find the three gringos hard at work hand raking the ex-dog pen area where the Nephew had busted the sod up with the roto tiller. I hate working too hard and it tired me out just to look at them. Two were raking the sod off and one was shovelin it into the wheelbarrow to dump.

I got them reorganized to make a "customized" drag made of old fence and 4" x 4" posts and a couple tires for weight. It was fun to watch them problem solving together. And it worked pretty well! I jumped right into moving some more plants out of the poison ivy area and into a nice, new shade garden under the "grove". I seeded columbine for color in two spots, put two spider worts and four hostas in two varieties in and tucked them all in with fresh mulch. It's looking very nice.

I seeded some Delphiniums and a mix of blue flowers around the glads patch and the iris spot. I was debating on watering them but the weather finally broke and watered for me just as the guys were almost done with the drag. It had only broken twice and got stuck about 4 times. The new yard tractor did well. They got it all under cover just before the rain got good and heavy.

No one was hungry yet. We were going to play some cards but I worked on the laptop I was giving to the Grand's friend and finally got it running right. I may have to reinstall the CD driver tonight, but it's up and boots. THEN we got to play some spades. That was fun! I love to play cards but have done so much of it online that using real cards is a challenge.

We managed to get two games with one partner swap in before midnight. It only took two more hours to shut them down. The teens want to stay up till morning and sleep all day. I need them crashed so I can sleep and working days. It's a conflict. I got pretty cranky when the nephew's phone rang at one in the morning, too. Then I blew up at the teens for not getting shut down when I was ready to crash two hours earlier. They minded but they did as I asked. (screamed)

Conflicts. Roommate conflicts, employer/employee conflicts, guest/host conflicts. We have several of each of them. So far we have avoided relationship conflicts but I expect a few of them with the new boy before we are 100% comfy with each other. Most of the time I just explain what I need to stay the same in the house and they are good with it, minus the normal forgetfulness of humans and the pre-ingrained habits from other homes.

And I am spoiled. The mate and I had a long time to work our our preferences for roommate stuff so I have habits of my own to change. It's not easy for us to all be crowded in together at night. They like head banger music, I like country and old rock and roll plus a bunch of other types that make them gag. The nephew says he gets a headache from their stuff. We rotate it but we are never all happy at once...LOL!

The standard male/female problem of the toilet seat has been a point of contention. I want it in what I call the 'always ready' position. One of them is fung-suay correct and one is not putting anything down, causing me to imagine the cherry picker being brought in to pry me loose and sending me screeching after them about the possible problem.

But these are good guys, even the new one who fancies himself a self-sufficient island of loner in a world of cliques. They have worked hard, if not always knowledgeably, at whatever I have pointed them at. It's hard to remember when I could not see dirt or didn't know that mowing the lawn meant weed whacking the post and tree areas, too, without being told. I try, but it was a long time ago. To train a real beginner takes an eye for the obvious that I have lost over the years. It's different. It's been fun and stressful at the same time for all of us. It keeps me on my toes and I am looking forward to the card game after dinner tonight even if I am dreading the music that I may have to hear.

Two of them are learning guitar from me and a chart. That I teach a little better. I enjoy hearing them get a riff right. And I get to see Pirates of the Caribbean tonight, too. No, I didn't know the name of the guy who has the lead role. No, I don't know who the lead singer for Metallica is. But I can fix a laptop running Win95 and gift it to you. Yes, I can get the tabs to a Johnny Cash song and one by Nirvana and teach you to read them from instructions on the web. No, you are not going out to take phone calls at two in the morning, don't care who it is - no blood, no call. Sure you can play the harmonica, here, keep this one. BBQ or Plain on your chicken tonight?

Learning - about each other, to trust, to behave politely, to cope with kids, to play spades, to accommodate each other's needs and preferences. We are learning. I am BEAT!

Today they finished dragging the pen area and cleaning the basement so they are off to the lake to girl watch. I offered to reimburse for soda or pop and such for the outing and hope they have fun. I will be putting the grass seed in tonight and watering my plants and seeds for about two hours. I need to get a sprinkler. I need some strapping and tomorrow they start taking the furnace out of the basement. I need to call the scrap guy and get him over.

And I need to call the #2Grand. Come to find out he CAN get poison ivy. Poor kid! Both arms from glove wrist to t-shirt sleeve are covered in it! I feel really badly for him and will be trying to get the rest of it dug out on my own.

What I wanted to get out here today is that we have to be able to compromise and get along over the generational divide as well as across the race barrier, the money barrier, the belief barrier and the gender differences to survive together. With a little give and give on each side it can be done.

The home I am the current user of is becoming something I will be proud to pass on to a family with children in the future and I am getting to know my grand and nephew better and make a new friend at the same time. It's win-win and I like it like that.

Work your fingers to the bone and what do you get?

Well, not boney fingers yet. But I'm working on it!

Friday I had the mate's Eldest and her boy, the #2 Grand coming to give me a hand with yard work the next day. The boy was silly enough to tell me he didn't get poison ivy. The Mate's Eldest was silly enough to need some cash...LOL.

Work messed me up. I had the fence guy coming over for his "final" ok at five thirty and then the FedEx man decided not to deliver our order. This was bad. We had to have the product so I called and arranged to have them get it to us but it meant staying until 6:30. ARG! I raced home, met the fence guy, he says he will be back on Monday and I pay him cash instead of the bike because he blew up his truck. (Yes, I "un-sold" the bike) and the kids arrived just as I ran in the door on my way out to go racing back to work to meet the late delivery on my (not sold) bike. After I closed up I rode home.

Yes, it still pains me to ride the bike. The last two weeks of "no bike" because I won't ride a bike once I have sold it, were bad. And I couldn't really afford a new bike until next spring. I try to remember that the pain is only from the love the mate left here with me in the things he did for me out of love. I try to remember it could be him here trying to cope and that I am probably better equiped for it, so I am saving him from this hurt. I try to keep in mind that I am blessed to have so few, tiny regrets about our life together. So I rode on his loving reconstruction of a motorcycle just to fit me and back to the house where we were happy determined to keep this one thing he did for me if I can bear it.

That was almost the last recreation I got over the weekend. We really got after the yard and stuff. Eldest pulled weeds, #2Grand removed poison ivy that has infiltrated my garden, friend of Eldest and her two littles came out Saturday and dug lilacs to take home while moving my poor iris to a new location. I chain sawed the trees where they smack you in the head if you walked under them, the lilacs, in the center where I had 6 and 8 inch logs to get through with my little electric chain saw, the pines, where the fence was put and the weed trees in the ditch are next. We built piles of brush bigger than the last one I had.

That called for a cook out. The Eldest got polish dogs and chips out, cooked one each for the littles and discovered none of the rest of us was hungry. Leaving the tray on a chair by the fire, she went back to hauling brush. We discovered later that one of us was hungry, Buck the boxer. Our polish dogs were gone. We had a few marshmallows and called it good. Rotten hound! He never does that kind of thing but it was fresh meat unguarded. I guess we had it coming.

The side yard was mulched out the rest of the way. I had run out of mulch. There is one new corner garden in and the yard is looking lovely. The mate's eldest even filled the bird feeder for me. I know she heard me swear I was going to sit on my butt with my coffee and watch my birds on Sunday morning, brownie point!

The mower was run Thursday by the Eldest Grand and pal, the basement almost cleaned out by them, I found a few more things they missed, and the patio cleaned. Friday night my Nephew came by for the freezer and he and the mate's Nephew loaded it. Today the dog pen area has been rototilled and the drive way swept, de-weeded and hosed off by the mate's nephew. Yesterday I cleaned stuff out of the upstairs and the back porch was cleared. I still need the scrap guy to get over to pick up the stuff from the basement we have piled up for him.

The kids all bailed on Saturday night. The nephew was coming the next day to move in. The #1Son and family came to visit, too. I did get to watch my birds. When the kids got here we walked the flowers and the fence. The best daughter in law picked up two full hands of wire scraps and steel post tops left by the fence people. Then we re hung my poor mistreated roses.

Is this so hard to understand? "Cut the old fence on either side of the roses, lean them back out of the way. Put in the new fence. Lift the roses back up and hook the old fence to the new fence to support them. "

Now, if you understood that, why couldn't they? They took an eight year old climbing rose and pulled it all out of the old fence. It was wrecked! The same with two other rose bushes. Anyway, we put them back up, comforted the trampled rhubarb and put the steel where it would not hurt the mower. I fed them pizza and we had a nice time watching the little feed pepperoni to the cat and bites of pizza to the dogs. Good to see my son the man is doing well and his family happy! I always enjoy our visits.

I worked Monday and took Tuesday off to meet the fence guy, the furnace man and the gutter estimate people. The furnace guy is the only one who showed up. I was not happy, as per the post yesterday. But we had some good luck, too. After digging down to it we found we do have a larger door into the basement. The first step really is a doozie, about 20 inches, but it will let us get the furnace and water heater in and out easier. Plus the porch is more empty.

I spent some time calling for pricing on guttering yesterday. I think the crappy idjits that didn't show saved me a bunch of frustration and money. I can get all I need at a local store for an affordable price. I have all these kids around. They can hang gutter! Good plan! The Nephew and I figured out how to get antenna to the upstairs tv, too.

My Eldest Daughter called Monday night and we got caught up. I love it when she sounds so happy and busy. It was good to hear from her.

If this is a little messed up and confusing - welcome to my world. We all did so much this weekend and so quickly that it is all a jumble in my head. Then Monday the nephew and I continued to work. Tuesday we worked. I was just getting some more seeds into the garden when a guy stopped to show me his bike. It was the mate's ex's husband. I got all distracted and never did get my flower seeds in. But somewhere in there the nephew had started getting dinner for us and I had burritos ready for Bible Study.

The session was a good one and we learned more on the light and life. I cracked the sis up so bad once I thought she was going to smack her head on the table laughing so hard. That was fun.

The mate's Nephew left to meet a friend before we started last night and I finally had a moment to call mine when mom and sis left. I got to bed late again but I think I went right to sleep. I dreamed a friend and I lived in a big house, like a rooming house, together. I put a big bag of ice near an area I related to as his because I knew he would thaw it fastest. When he came home I went upstairs to my room, clutching my laptop to my chest and didn't speak to him or look at him. Later I was down in the kitchen making food and he found me there. He had been looking for me to give me something. We spoke but I don't remember what was said. I know I was answering his questions. I left him there and went outside then woke up. Weird.

The Eldest Grand just called and the teens are coming back out. They are so going to be sorry! I have a ton of work yet to do! But I have the three boys to help with it and it keeps me having to keep my face on and distracted so I am glad to have them.

How do you get kids to eat food instead of all the chips? One sandwich and two packages of chips is not a balanced meal!

Do NOT call ABC Seamless Gutters

or Terry Lindsey in Michigan at 989 365 3030 for even an estimate. Especially if you are a woman who wants an estimate. They won't show up for the scheduled appointment or call to say they are not coming. When you contact them to see why they say that, you, as a customer, slipped their mind. Then they will tell you that as you want to stick to a budget, you don't want steel gutters anyway because of the cost. And they will not even bother to apologize sincerely.

The weekend was a tornado of yard work with the family all coming over to help and we whupped butt. More later.

But I HATE getting treated rudely!

I keep crying for my baby

but another day is gone. And I am glad it went.

It was bound to happen sometime. I knew it was coming and I didn't like it but I couldn't duck it. You just have to deal with it. You feel it in the air, you hear it but you can't predict it.

I was all loaded with mulch and ready to head for the house yesterday when the white truck decided not to start. Not even a click. Not even power for the radio or the light under the hood.

The truck had done this a week or two ago to the mate's Eldest Daughter right in our driveway. I got her jump started and when we spoke later I thought she said they had put a new battery in it and had no problem since. So I had not given it a thought. I haven't even moved the tools back into it from the red truck.

But there I sat. Cell phone going dead, charger in the other truck and no power. I managed to make a call to the mate's eldest but there was no car there. I squeeked out a second call for reinforcements from the bro in law to her but the phone died in the middle of it so I didn't know if she heard me or not.

I was sure she would get someone to come help me so I sat. A long time. The storms moved in over the sunshine, the wind picked up, the sky got darker and no one came. I ran out of water in my jug but had plenty for production apparently because the tears came again. I had almost made it two days without crying but there I was again, with the slow trickles etching paths in the dust on my face as I waited for a solution to appear like a genie. I don't know where my head went but it wasn't working.

Oh, my Mate! You would have been here within a half hour of the first call and ready to tow me or fix me up. I missed the solid safety of having you as my partner in the worst way. Just the absence, the nothing, the negative of your always dependable presence in my life left me helpless in my grief. After knowing you were always ready to be the hero for me the lack was breaking my heart all over again and I hurt so deeply with your death that I could not even think. I just stood there by the truck trying to watch for a familiar face to be hunting for me through the tears I could not control. Like a lost child, I didn't know what to do.

Even in my misery I am not a total moron. I had the hood up and the jumper cables ready but no one stopped. In my almost home town not one car pulled up to see if I needed help. Not one farmer, red neck, blue or white collar person, not one housewife even looked at me as they drove by. I was ashamed to be in a town so fearful and self centered that they would not help a person with car trouble, even in broad daylight.

I finally got the pity party stuffed back inside and stopped crying. Then I engaged the brain and had a think. It looked like the back up team was not going to make it. I have handled way worse break downs with no sweat. I had just been spoiled and wasn't used to having to bail my own butt out anymore. Then the first team being permanently out of the line up just whacked me in the heart. I could take care of this myself, it's just a damn car problem.

I walked back to the store and arranged for them to sell me and install for me (as I had no tools with me) a battery that was precharged. When we took the other one out the post with the hot cable on it fell right out of the body of the battery. That explained why it wasn't charging. I called the girl and let her know everything was under control. She said a rescue went out but couldn't find me. I felt badly about that. I am still a little leery of trusting the white truck as it stalled at the first two corners when I let the RPMs drop to an idle. After that it did just fine and the guage showed it was putting out ok. I'm still watching it though.

I made it home, parked and went in. The boys are gone but the nephew was there. I chatted with him a minute and then changed. I forgot to mention the pre-storm damp heat that had me almost dripping. I needed to wash up and change.

We made dinner, just sandwiches again, and talked. I had never thought to try and call him because he just got there yesterday and I didn't know when he would be around. I made light of the break down. I didn't put out any mulch or the dirt bags I brought home. It was raining again. I just read my book, watched my birds, got the email...tried not to think or get upset with the kid there. They all hurt badly enough without me dumping on them.

The furnace man called and he is back down to where I can almost afford him if I skip the central air. That worked great. I got an update from my sis, too, on the friend she was trying to help the other night and I think they will be ok. Praying for them. Then I took my book and went to lay down. It was early, only midnight, for a change. I actually went right to sleep I think. No dreams, no tears, just sleep. I really needed that.

I am finally getting caught up with all of you this week, blog buddies. I hope you all enjoy the upcoming holiday. I don't think I am doing anything but yard work and maybe a swim or a fishing expedition one day. I find myself losing interest in going out, even for the music. I guess it will pass. And I really still have a ton of stuff to do here so it's good to be getting it done. We always did spend a lot of time working on the house and the yard.

Tonight I will be sorting tools into four piles, one for each truck, the ones off the bike and the ones that go in the house. I will not be stuck without them again. Do you have your "Fix a Flat" in the car?! LOL!

Seems like it was just the other day

Time really speeds up when you stay busy. It seems like we crammed a lot into two days here. And then the boss took off for a mini vacation and I have been too busy at work to keep up with all my friends online. Sorry all!

Monday night I got home to find the rest of the junk in the basement bagged up and out for the trash and the mulch unloaded but not exactly where I wanted it left. They had also weed sprayed the fence line. The nephew wasn't there yet and I didn't know when he would get there. Ca sara, sara. I had the boys put a few things away and then asked them if they wanted to eat or swim first. They opted for swimming. I loaded them up and we headed for my sister's.

The sis has mini horses , several with tiny babies, full size horses, one bull calf I call T-bone, laying hens and a rooster I call Roaster, 3 yorkies and a new batch of pups that were upstairs to keep the mom calm. She also has a pool and a pond and a cabin they were given that they tore down and rebuilt in the woods. It's a great place for kids. There are always people in and out.

When we got there she and her man were doing strawberries. She freezes them now and makes jam in the winter, smart girl, when it's better to run the stove. I got a spoon and started hulling while the boys changed and went out to the pool. Another family showed up before we were done. Their kids are showing Sis's horses at the fair next month and they were there to practice. One of them is a 15 year old girl. Funny. The boys were out of the pool like ten seconds after the girl walked down to the barn. They are also 15....LOL. The He/She Radar works in all of them.

The kids wandered around a little, watching each other, while the adults confabbed in the kitchen. We had a lot to talk about. When we got the berries done and were all caught up I mentioned we might want to see what everyone was up to and we wandered to the barn. Sis took the boys in the pen with the little horses and their new babies while the other kids were still practicing their cart driving and the girl was putting the big horse through his paces. I went for a ride with one of my boys, he learned to drive the cart. Then he rode the big horse, too. The grand wasn't up for it so he just watched.

I finally remembered the nephew might be waiting for me. I herded mine up to the house, got our suits and the berries Sis was sending with us and headed home. The nephew was there waiting for us.

We got inside and I introduced everyone, planned the next day's chores and added one for the nephew then told them to start winding down. It's hard for me to sleep when people are awake in my home. The kids want to stay up till daylight and sleep all day but I want them up when I am gone to keep an eye on the dogs and sleeping when I do. It doesn't help that I am still having trouble going to bed. It has meant that I lay awake a lot this week and it's starting to wear me down. I fell asleep at work yesterday. I hate that. The phone is no fun to wake up to at all.

Tuesday is supposed to be the Bible Study. Summer's are a little iffy because all of us are so busy. Sis had already canceled because a friend needed her. I had gotten home from work to find the antenna still didn't work, got disgusted with the now fulfilled prediction that if he went first I would never be able to run all the remotes and equipment without him, and took them all outside to help me lay mulch. I can mulch anytime easier than untangling the wiring with no diagram the mate put in.

I set the boys to clearing the dog pen area of hazards to the mower and cutting the tall grass from the fence removal. The nephew fetched my hand trimmers and moved paving stones for me while I killed weeds and spread my mulch.

I had one boy pulling and digging the persistent weed I hate and don't know the name of while we turned on the hose, filled the bird baths and then had one fill the feeder, too. Then we dug and moved some iris that were in the way. When Mom arrived and I sent some iris home with her, too. The poor boy I had been having dig weeds swapped off mowing with the grand to escape me and my slave driving ways. We got to the last bag of mulch and the last paving stone before we got to the end of the garden area. Back to the store tonight for me! But it's going to be nice, like it was when the mate and I first put it in last year. That feels right and good to me.

I think I am going to load up and do the front, too. Then we will tackle the hill weeds and Warf's garden. I want it all done this year so next year it's just spread mulch and add posies. I can do that alone if I have to. It's all the digging, and moving and digging again that leaves me winded. But the mate and I both liked the yard to look nice. With corner gardens and fence climbers I can "walk the flowers" every night and get a walk of just over half a mile and never leave the farm. The dogs and I will all like that. The cats seem to have found their own ways to get around the fence. I haven't noticed that it is keeping them from wandering the neighborhood.

I finally called a halt to feed us. We washed up and had sandwiches again. It's been too hot to cook. Mom had brought chips and cottage cheese, I added the fixings for the sandwiches and pineapple for the cottage cheese. The boys had already eaten their ice cream that day for breakfast. (Made me proud! I am a firm believer in "Eat dessert first") I get over that by giving them cereal and milk for bedtime snacks.

While we ate the Mom decided she wanted to go home, too. So we canceled the study session and after dinner we started after the antenna problem. If you remember, back in April I finally got the satellite TV turned off. The mate was the TV person. I am a music and listen to the birds person. TV is ok for breaking national/international events or local weather alerts but I don't watch it much for anything else. I do, however, like it to work for the kids.

I had bought a new antenna, inspite of the fact that the mate had put one up about a week before he decided to get sat. TV, because there was a technical difficulty during the installation. (The mate had a problem, lost his temper, yanked the cable and broke the end off that goes into the antenna. His eldest had been there and reminded me so I knew I may as well just get a new one.) The boys have a TV upstairs and I have one down. The install was the nephew's job.

It seemed to be all wired right but it was not working. No power to the rotation device and no signal to the TV at all. I got the instructions out and decided it was the ground or the VCR giving us fits. The boys all went out to swap to the old antenna with the new wire to see if that worked. Nope. So what is wrong with the cable? Hmm. The nephew, up top, took the splitter out that let us run to both TV's and - POOF! - all better! We had 22 channels of free TV! 25 when I got done adding a couple manually. Way better than the two I get with out anything.

I had them rewire it through the VCR and now we are cooking with gas! It all works but I have to track two remotes and a rotator button. All you men know what a job that will be for a mere woman to handle. I will just have to do my best. (HA!) Then they put the entertainment unit back where it went, reassembled the contents and went to get beverages and take a break. It was well deserved. I had had them running since I got home to keep up with me. We are way more efficient than the fence crew!

The boys decided to evade further chores with me there by going over to the grand's friend's house for a couple days. There was the possibility of farm employment, supposedly. I paid them off, loaded them up and took them over about eleven.

When I got back the nephew and I dissected his possible futures. I plan to keep him so busy that he sees the army as a break from toil and joins while the sign up bonuses are high. It really is just what he needs to be the man he can be. A little more self disciplined, a little more educated and a lot more experienced in the ways of the world, not just our little corner.

I took time to get my email and then had a snack before bed. Oh. The bedroom. ICK. It's like a raw wound in there right now. I want a new bed and, to encourage me to find one, I have torn the sheets and such off the old bed. I have piles of stuff to be bagged up, I have piles to move and I have piles to wash. It's a mess. I have to get on it and get re settled in it with it redone as "my" room. The gun rack has to go, the shelves have to go, the clothes that are not mine have to go, the dresser has to go upstairs for the visitors and the desk and music have to be moved in after I get a bed in and lose one more dresser. It's small so I am watching for someone with a baby coming.

I reorganized the piles, straightened my temporary bedding and finally laid down about one this morning. I was restless and had things on my mind. I didn't realize we had a front going through. I get really antsy when the weather changes; kind of edgy and jittery. It makes it hard to sleep. I finally did but I was up a couple times. Then I let the dogs out about seven. The storm must have broken about a half hour later. I slept right through it - and through the alarms, if they even went off, the power went out. I was only an hour late to work. I do hate that but I haven't dozed off at the desk today so I must have needed the extra hour.

The nephew just called. Seems we forgot to discuss house keys. Luckily I have one locked in the garage. I told him how to get it out so he can get in out of the weather. I will be getting paving stones and mulch tonight along with yet another gallon of milk and some lunch items. That means I will be late getting home again. But if the rain holds off I might get the rest of the mulch down. And the hedge shrubs might get trimmed, the fence might get pegged down at the bottom, too. The darn sneak, my black dog, was out again when the nephew got home just now.

Bored? Lonely? Nothing to do? Email me for the address, I can put you to work....LOL!

Where does it go?

The good Lord only knows! While Waylon was singing about money, I think this applies to time, too. Like weekends especially!

Where the heck did my weekend go? I got off work early Friday, it was really hot and muggy. I made a delivery for the boss in a near by bedroom town to a customer who's order was two days later than planned and had the rest of the day off. It was only an hour but it was MINE!

I was on my way home and saw a local group I have contacts in was planning an event over the weekend and pulled in but no one was there yet. I made a note to show up the next day and see if my friends made it.

I continued on my way, anticipating a completed fence and and empty basement. I went by a sign for an Ice Cream Social and Bake sale for a local church out in the wild woods. I decided I would spring for treats for the whole crew if they wanted to follow me back to the place and kept heading for home.

There were three trucks, one towing a trailer with fence rolls on it, and six men still working in my yard. I walked the fence with the boss and found that, aside from missing the front corner by about a foot, (no biggie) that they had STOPPED the fence just before the roses and continued on the other side of them leaving a chunk of old fence with gaps on either side. This would not contain my dogs and would not stop funky neighbor kids from getting in where they could bother them, either. Then they cut a hole in the fence to accomidate the bird house and missed the fence line by almost a foot on the back. Not happy.

I discovered that men want payday more than ice cream and strawberries but I took the boys. I picked up some banana bread too, one of my favorites. The mom and her foster grand girl were there so we got to visit.

The boys were going to the grand's house for the weekend. We went home to get their stuff. I looked at the basement. Where they had cleaned was excellent. How they missed a whole area of shelves and crap on the floor, I don't know, but they will be working on that today. They were going fishing and camping on the river for the weekend and looking forward to it. I decided to treat them a little more and took them out to dinner before I ran them home. It was a hit and I didn't have to cook in the heat.

After I dropped them off I ran back to the local event and not only was my friend there but her friend that is also my friend and word that one man I hadn't seen in over ten years was going to be attending the next day. I met some of their friends and visited til late before I headed home. I planned on going back the next day.

It was strange, all over again, to go home to an empty house. This time there was a little relief in it, along with the grief, though. I still have trouble accomadating company more than a day or two and may send the boys off on Wednesday, if we get the dog pen done and the mulching finished. I have a nephew coming to stay awhile and another coming to work off a freezer this week so I can let them have some time to hang in town if they want to.

Saturday I wanted to get the house tidied up, get some things in town and do my laundry. I started with laundry because I can do that, have my morning coffee and get my online stuff done while feeling that I am doing a chore. This is good. When I got offline and started sorting out clothes I ended up in the closet pulling a suit, a man's winter coat, semi dressy, and more of the mate's unused stuff out and preparing to send it on. Then I decided I was going to buy a bed any minute now so I stripped the sheets off for washing. The blankets needed it, too. And the underskirt had to come off if I was getting rid of the bed.

Next think you know I am hip deep in cotton and combinations of cotton and have several loads to run through. The dresser needs to go upstairs. I have to empty that off tonight and have the boys haul it up there, too. Curtains, carpet has to come up, ARRGGHHHHH! Over load.

The mate's eldest called and was bringing the white truck back, she has a car again, yay for her! I was going to keep just one but I do need one for humans and I needed a load of mulch, and hand to haul a trailer this weekend, too. So I think I am keeping both for now. She and her friend came over and then back again. We got to visit and that was good.

I was just thinking about dinner when the mate's nephew called. He and his girl were breaking up. This was bad. They are the ones that took our female white boxer a year ago or so. I worked out a satisfactory arrangement for her with him and then said he could stay here for working off his rent. He is good with that now but I am betting he joins the military before the week is out after a few of my lists of chores to be done. ...LOL

Back to chores. I messed around until it was getting late. I finally got a shower and went to town about ten thirty. I was debating "shop or visit" first on the way. I decided that if I still had to shop that I would not stay as long with my pals and that would keep me moving.

I had dressed to fit in and hauled a few gifts for my pals along as well. I got over there and found everyone was learning a new dance. It was a bit of a walk but I got to watch as they worked out the kinks and even made it look pretty good with the help of a very patient instructor.

Then we went to watch others dance and my male friend, now aka Eel, was also dancing while a live group played. He was amazing and so were several of the others. I really enjoyed it. After, he and I got a little caught up with each other. It was so nice to see he was getting along well. I met his roomie, too. She was a nice girl trying to get her life under control, as are we all.

My two lady friends and I got to visit and enjoyed hanging out together. I could have had more fun if the bugs were less and the cool breezes more but it was a nice time sitting out under the stars and wandering around in the dark meeting new people and trying new things. I need to get there in the daylight sometime when the vendors are around. It was great good fun. Thanks, friend, one, two and three and families!

Sunday I was determined to pay back the neighbor guy for the loan of the mower by getting the yard done for him. It was the least I could do. The neighbor came out to visit just as it started to drizzle. I stopped a minute but begged off so I could finish before the rains came. I was carrying my little trimmers to get tree branches up out of the way of a human on the mower. I went to use them on a branch a little bigger than they liked and the damn things bit me. I got a nasty blood blister on my chord hand, ew and ow! But I got it done before the rain.

Sunday was a bad day inside my head. Father's Day. A day of visitors and grilling, gifts and fun. Not this time. My Dad is gone, and the mate is gone. The girls didn't call. I wanted to call all of them to see how they were dealing with their first Father's Day with no father. I decided they wouldn't want to talk about it with me. We would just cry. I did call #1Son to wish him his first Happy Father's Day at home and I let it go at that. I didn't call the mate's dad as I would have just cried and he would have been bummed, too. I just skipped it. I guess we all did, for now.

I continued in the bedroom and with the laundry. I got the back porch tidied up and swept. I went out to try and get the "!$*&)*" saddle bag opened again. I was melting in the heat and had just broken out the drill to bust the lock with when a friend called. He had the trailer sold and the buyer on the way. Crap.

I had talked the kid that got the bike out of the trailer for several reasons. The main one was that this was the largest bike he had ever driven and I didn't want him getting distracted with the trailer until he was solid with the bike. I was going to let him discover he didn't really need it on his own. With a wife and two kids he would almost always have a chase truck anyway. I was, however, supposed to give him dibs. It was a holiday and a Sunday, he wasn't around to ask. But I had asked friends to try and help me sell the trailer. I couldn't tell him to tell the guy to head back home. Quandry. I decided that, knowing my situation, the kid would say "go for the money".

I called the place the trailer was stored at and then set up a meeting place with the friends and customer. It's a good thing I had the S10 back. I showered up as I was all sweaty from cleaning in the heat. The good friend at the storage place helped me load it. The guy was putting it into another truck so we just backed our tailgates together and the guys rolled it over. I offered to buy my friends some dinner as well as giving them a cut of the sale I knew they needed.

The buyers were great and easy to hang with, we had a nice dinner filled with quips and jokes and laughter. But I was really inside my head with the fact that I was odd man out and the mate was gone. I guess I am trying to learn how men just don't show emotion. I am tired of crying everytime I deal with something of the mate's in front of people. My friend, Brother Boy, doesn't show his pain and he lost his child. I can keep my grief more private, I think. Maybe. I hope.

While I was shopping the other night I found cyprus mulch in cubic yard bags for very cheap. Now that I was in town with the truck and money all at the same time I headed back for it. I got as much as I thought it was safe to put in the truck and the guy threw in one busted bag.

I picked up some everbearing strawberries to add to the garden and got one pot each of honey dew melon, cantalope and watermelon to stick in, too. I grabbed on pot of blue lobelia (sp?) because it was pretty. Then I decided that the inside corners of the fence will be flowered. So I got some seeds of delphinum and such in blues for one of them. I even remembered that we had broken the rake and that I wanted weed killer for the fence line. Woohoo!

I got home through the rain, put the veggies and fruits in the garden and set the rest aside for later. I will have strawberries any day now. The rasberries are heavy with fruit to come. The rhubarb may never be the same, it's still pretty trampled. The mini rose is heavy with buds. The other roses are beautiful this year. I need to move the iris to the new location and I think the lillies are going with them and the tulips and the daffodiles....one garden instead of many is the goal but I am going to put climbers on the fence and curved for the lawn mower patches to fill in the corners for ease of mowing.

The Grand called just as I was getting in the house. He and the pal were going to come out in the morning. That meant I was cleared for the night. It was getting late by then. I had managed to tire myself out enough that I just left everything else in the truck for the boys to unload and went in for the night. I played the music and read a little then headed for bed. I forgot to set up the coffee and I didn't care when I remembered

So the fence guys are back again today, patching and capping and adding in fence at the back corner where I used to have fence but now don't. It's just to keep the neighbors on their side of the fence, it doesn't serve any other purpose at all. Without it their junk piles fall and blow into my yard though and I want it back the way it was. It' going to be rough to refer them. I will get photos but blugger (sp intentional) hasn't been letting me hang my pics.

And the boys are back today hauling and helping out. The nephew will be here tonight, too. It is looking pretty busy around the homestead. Busy is good. I don't miss my friends, I don't have time to be lonely. And I am getting a lot accomplished. Happy thoughts to all of you.

Sing a little bit of these working man blues

I have had the #1Grand and his friend over for two days now and they have been working for me as well as watching the dogs while the fence guys work. I tell them what needs doing and then get out of the way and let them handle it.

They stop before they are done. They leave things I would have thought were obviously needing done untouched. They have to be kick started in the morning and beaten to go to bed at night because the grand's friend wants to stay up all night and shoot pool or watch movies or wander around town - anything but sleep. And getting up before noon? What a weird idea. I have been trying to work him hard enough that he just crashes out. He is very hyper and it appears to be natural. Just a bouncy kind of kid. They forget things, too.

About midnight the visitor came down and said the TV was screwed and would not play their game and it kept going blue for the movies. It worked fine for the grand last time he was out. But, like everything else that was the mate's, it seems to have gone south on me. So today's pay will be a new little TV for them upstairs. It means I will be late home but I would like them to be glad to stay here - I need the help.

Pretty much, they work about like me. LOL! But they didn't finish disassembling the dog pen yesterday. And they didn't get the basement all empty, either. So, with the fence people coming at 9:00, I let them sleep till 8:30 then rousted them out. I told them I was paying them so I didn't have to pay the fence guys to do that work and that they better get on it.

Hmm....their clothes are still in the washer from last night. The friend is in a pair of Camel Joe long johns I loaned him. He rolled them to the knee and slid the arms way up so he would be almost comfortable. But he is sure going to look funny working outside in them! Man I loved that! They did turn the dryer on before they went back out to finish.

The grand can hardly keep his eyes open but at least he had extra clothes we had run home to get him last night. Before I left the #1Grand had cut his finger and discovered that when his Grampa was "digger dog proofing" the pen by laying fence on the ground that he had fastened it to the upright fence. As in, did the job well and right. Which makes it a big job to unhook. Which is why I was paying them and also why the fence co. wasn't really excited about having to do it themselves. But you only learn by doing. And we will discuss out things tonight.

They are learning that quitting early to go fishing is ok, but not really fun later if you don't finish the job when you should have. If they had finished it yesterday they would have had nothing but the dogs to watch and the light stuff out of the basement to haul and could have been fishing by about 1 today.

When I go home tonight, in appreciation, because they have gotten at least half of every job done, mowed the lawn, fed and watered and let in and out the dogs, fetched and carried for me and done dishes twice now, I am making them T-bones on the grill. Nice ones over an inch thick with roasted potatoes and, if I can find some, corn on the cob. Then, at just about sunset, I will run them over to the lake and they can fish till dark.

I might even get a liscense. Why? All the poles that have stood in a bucket in the garage for the last 5 or 8 years while we rode were nasty. I discovered that the #1grand can tear down, clean, repair and restring rods and reels. He even seemed to like it! He can fix bicycles, too! Wow. My poles all look like new thanks to his unknown skill and I am tickled! I have one collapsable pole I really like that fits in the bottom of the tackle box. I have one that is a two piece that was a gift from the mate and I am keeping one for a spare or so a friend can join me.

I gave one to #1grand and one to his friend then learned that the grand would like to learn to fly fish. So I called TKO and they stopped by. We were sorting out the contents of three tackle boxes, the mate's, mine and one from the auction of a friend. I came across the lures the mate made one winter. I remember watching him fine tune the way they wiggled through the water from our boat before we sold it. I let the T of TKO pick some lures and divided the rest between the two grands, the friend and myself. He gave the grand a beginner's lesson hint on fly fishing.

I kept the mate's tackle box and gave the really nice aluminum one to the eldest grand. I still have a beater plastic one I will get rid of. It was almost fun going through all our gear. I found all my lighted bobbers and the silly Mickey Mouse bobber the mate gave me for a laugh once. I like it because it's heavy and I can cast a long way out with it on. There were with all my rappela lures and my hula poppers, too. I don't know why I even keep the lures. I guess it's so when the fishing is lousy I can play with them. I am a "worm and a bobber" fisherwoman. I do like making my hula popper hop around and my jointed minnow is fun, too.

The lighted bobbers were a joke. I love to fish. The mate likes to fish when they are biting. He would get disgusted and I would be trying different depths and such to get a bite. He would say, "Are you ready to go yet?" and I would answer, "I can still see my bobber!" with a little whine in my voice. He bought me those so I could fish as long as I wanted. I heart that man.

The boy got all the poles up and we have the boxes ready now. I even know where the net is. It is hanging on the back porch from the last time the mate chased a bat out of the house for me. I guess I better go ahead and get a liscense because now that I don't have a bike I have more time to fish. I like fishing, too. Even without a boat. But the best is pontoon fishing!

And the fence company? They were going to be the first offically endorsed business on my blog but I don't feel I can commend them that highly. This job was priced well, with used fence, using my own fence and getting the kids to free up the dog pen fence and throwing in the bike instead of cash. I was told the posts would all be in Monday and the fence DONE Tuesday.

You will notice that it is Thursday and I am still writing about them. They were supposed to arrive at 8:10 Monday to go over any questions they had with me. I was cleared to be late at work to meet with them. By ten I was just a little miffed. I Called and got the news that they were setting posts in Greenville and then coming over. It would have been nice to know. I went to work and they missed the south boundry by three feet one the west corner and the east end was 8 inches off. I have given enough land to the neighbors over the years and I am not giving up another inch. I ran my own line and had them reset them on Tuesday.

Tuesday they didn't start til ten again. They fixed the south line and set about ten more posts then left. They were very careful with the roses but trampled the crap out of my rhubarb. It should recover next year or I will just replace it. They say they didn't know if I wanted no fence at all until they finished so they stopped pulling down the old fence, too. They never touched my own fence to relocate it, either.

With the boys there to hook out the dogs because we were fencing I felt like they were just stalling. They never called OR showed up on Wednesday. I did Call that night. I explained the situation to the nice lady, told her I was not mad, the price was right, but I liked to know when they would not be coming. And when the fence would be done.

The owner called back that evening and said they would be there by 9 today. They were not. I waited for them again. I have called home and the boy says they have fence leaning on the posts and that the dog pen is down now. I even remembered to call and have them move the boat out before the fence is finished. The boat belongs to a friend and we have had it about five years now and never got it wet. It just sits there.

We decided years ago that we would ride while we could ride and then fish. Both our families fished for food when we were kids and, while we both like to eat fish, we both hate cleaning them. So we didn't fish, we rode. But the friend offered the use of the boat and the mate took it home. It was a yard ornament all this time. I called the friend again today to tell him he has to move it. It won't be behind the fence anymore.

I might get it wet tonight though. The boys have earned their steaks and a night fishing. For Friday - IF they get the basement done today - they will have NO chores and I will cook and clean up for them. They can let the dogs loose in the WHOLE YARD and take the bicycles to go fishing and swimming with a carry lunch. I hope they have a great time! I wish I could go....

I want to tell you once again, somehow

I love the Eldest Grand! I love all my grands but he was the first and so is the most used to my ways. He's been helping me out while the fence is going in and he's doing a fine job. I throw a little cash his way and we are both happy. But even if I am broke he comes when I need him.

All too soon he the the other boy will be on their own, in college or jobs and probably far from the homestead. I will have to wait for the next batch to get older and be able to come stay. I will miss them both.

I love my kids! They make me laugh, make me think, make me proud and call home often enough that I keep in pretty good touch with them.

My sis brought me eggs last week, I will have to boil them soon, I didn't use them up. But I love her for sharing her drug free, free range eggs with me.

The Mom has never missed an emergency. Not one time did she ever say "Sorry, you're on your own." I don't know what I will do when her phone number doesn't work anymore.

I have two other sisters. I love the one for making me look good and the other for dressing me. (I call it dressing me funny, but it's usually really cute.)

I have several foster and step siblings. Most of them I don't know as well as I would like. Many of them are younger than I am and most live where we just don't get together much. Same with some of the cousins - I just don't get enough time with them. I have tried to do better this year and have with some (hi, up north cousins!) but I wish I had more time to spend with all of them. They are my family, too. Of course, they could come see me, too...but I still would try harder to spend time with them (hi lansing cousins!) if I knew, oh, where they lived, what their schedules were and those other little details that keep you from setting up a meet.

I love my pets. My old dog, Buck, was the mates best dog ever and one of the things I am glad of is that now I don't have to worry how the mate would get by when the dog goes home. My girl dog is a great guard dog and allows only certain "safe" levels of rough housing. My big old tom cat is a poofy mushy and the stoner cat at least makes me laugh when she is not making want to ship her to Siam.

I love my friends. There are not many of them but they are 100%. I wish I was better at being a good friend. I am working on it.

I love my flowers. I am going to get them moved if it kills me! THIS year!

And I love my readers, even the silent ones.

Have a good time tonight, whatever your chores. Work was too busy for stories, I will catch you up later.

Have I told you lately that I love you

For all I write about the things that annoy me, it's really just the "squeaky wheel" syndrome. I am going to try to focus on things and people that I like.

Let's start out with Fred. I read him regularly and you will find him on the side bar even though he took the school year off from blogging. He wrote about his three shelves of memories here. I think I jostled that to the surface during my last post. I like it that Fred likes me back enough to be a regular reader and I don't want his feelings hurt by my similar posting without referring to his very much earlier one. That would be bad. However, Fred, will point out that you have to dust photos! LOL!! I will not be dusting my invisible treasures!

I like all the people on my side bar. This post would be a mile long if I went over all of them. I just want to say that they are a great group and I really enjoy them. There is a little somethig for everyone and I hope you all take the time to check them out.

The list changes and I have felt a change coming on there for a week or so now. I lost my pal, Moo, from Bottling up the Crazy, that I love to tease so much. I can only hope his trip to New Zealand is exciting enough to justify leaving so many readers without his way off the wall humor to lighten our days. I will be deleting his link and adding some more soon.

If you read here but don't comment I haven't met your blog. If you would like to get in the list on the side bar you have to comment. I will check you out and if I get to reading you every day I will add you there so others can enjoy you, too.

________________________________

On Friday night, as I was poking around the yard, I discovered the fire from Tuesday was still simmering in the ashes. I got it started again and enjoyed watching the moon rise. With no agenda the next day I just stayed till my few logs went out, banked them intentionally this time, then crashed.

I had a fire every night this weekend off the same coals and it's been soothing to my hurt to sit and stare at it. We spent time around many fires. One time, burning off the garden, he caught his pant hem on fire. When we had "The Swamp" we burned wood and roasted out regularly. Here we have always had a "spring clean up fire". The trees need trimmed and the big one out back looses lots to ice storms and such each winter. Our friends with the cabin in the U.P. always have a fire when they have us up and we all get caught up talking in the dark through the flames.

So to sit in the (almost) quiet of the dark nights and let my mind wander has been good.

I stayed home all weekend. I felt like I was too blue to mingle and even the music didn't get me going. I got some garden things done, and the Uncle showed up so we weeded the strawberries and I made him a lunch. I did chores and got a price on a furnace. I am not happy with that yet, still thinking.

Then at the end of each day I lit the fire again. From the coal of the fire before that was built from the wood we cut together and contains the ashes of the things my mate and I shared.

On Sunday the eldest grand joined me. He will be dog sitting for me while the fencers work their magic. Tuesday night I let the dogs loose and they will be able to run the whole yard. We are so going to like that! I can clean up the dandy lion factory their pen has become and move my rassberries to the front fence then add more climbers for the hummies. It's going to be good.

But while the boy and I sat there talking I thought how like that fire I am nursing is like life. I am going to reach the end of the road and leave the boy here someday. Out of the coals of living I leave planted in him he will build his life. My eldest son has a girl and someday he will tell her the stories I told him, teach her the manners I taught him, help her, perhaps, grow the flowers I loved from the embers I have given him of me. And life goes on.

The flames have died from the intensity of the love that my mate and I burned together but the coals from our love are in many hearts. The embers of him in my life warm me still.

It's all about tomorrow. Possibilities, Maybe's and if's. Guide them with the light of your love now and the flames of love will rise in their lives someday.

You make the sun want to shine

I made it through yesterday. I am not Missy Cheerful yet but I made it to work. I didn't go to the jam session though. I just didn't feel like it. I drove around on some of the roads the mate took me on for our first ride. I stopped at the place he got the bird bath from (way expensive in my book and on the credit card no less! But the birds were using it in under an hour and do still, everyday.) several years ago for a present for me. Then I went to dinner at a place I had never eaten before. I was home by eight. The dogs were antsy to get in and the cats were annoyed that their dinner was late.

I corrected the empty bowls for them, sat down and turned on the machine to get the mail. I had a note from the BFF I haven't heard from. I wrote a detailed letter back to him. I hope I said everything ok. Then one of the furnace companies came by and sized me up but left me to hang till next week for an offical estimate. I have another coming Saturday morning.

I went back to the machine and played some cards. I dinked around outside after dark fixing the awing that blew down and moving the chairs back under it and such. I brought in the boom box and put it away. I scoped out what I still had to burn and noted that I need wood. I will probably start trimming trees and such this weekend. I decided the music is all well and good but that the yard is still behind and thought I might be able to stay home and work on it more for a while.

I was just sad. Not hysterical, not miserable, just sad. I thought of all the things I had moved, set up, transfered and still had to buy and got thinking about "things". Material things. Things we are supposed to dust and keep arranged neatly. Things I burned and things I kept. Things I could get rid of and things I had gotten rid of. Things I use all the time and things I only use once a year. Stuff. Stuff stuffed standing in strange places, like the stuff on top of the fridge.

I thought about how I feel about it all. I am a raven, I like shiny stuff. I am a grasshopper, I don't need very much stuff but I have too much. I have been thinning the ranks and intend to continue to do so. Some of it will be going because I can't move it myself. Some of it will be staying because I can't bear to let it go. Which is silly. I can't take it with me, I am not using it and it is not even making me smile when I look at it anymore. I should get rid of it.

And maybe I will. I am passing on to the kids anything they seem to have a craving for as their inheritence. I am passing on some for the grands for the same reason. And friends have a stack of photos and such for them waiting here. When that is all gone I will continue to thin the rest. I think the goal is to get it down to just what I use and what makes me feel good. That is a pretty short list. There won't be much for the kids when I go in memoribilia but there will be a little cash for them and I hope they spend it on fun things to do and not bills.

The point here? I don't know if there is one. But I know others can USE what I only stack up and move around. Others may need what I have too many of and I feel that continuing to have too much stuff is just greed. If stuff it the measure of a life we had a full life together. I like to think the thoughts, ideas, beliefs and songs I leave behind will mean more than stuff.

I don't like to spend time doing chores and laundry. With less things there are fewer hours devoted to the care of them. More hours to spend with friends and family and creating and writing and singing. Or just fishing and doing things I enjoy. That is a goodness.

I have already lessened the stress level from stuff that doesn't work like it should. That lesson is well learned and I have applied it to several small annoyances as well as the mowers and the picnic table. I feel much better now and more in control of what upsets me and what doesn't. This is also good.

It bothers me that I can not put a little, golden shelf up and set upon it the first kiss I had from the mate and the first kiss I had when we got back together. The way he held me when Dad died or the hours he spent making the home and yard work better or look better. The time he took out a loan on his bike for me. The time my eldest told me I did well enough as a Mom, the look in the eyes of #1Son as he held his new daughter, the anger from the mate's eldest as she told of rescuing a kitten from boys throwing darts at it and the love between the mate's youngest and her man as they reconciled after a rough spot in their love. The tenderness between the friends that almost broke up but didn't after finding out the trouble was not all of the heart but medical and treatable. The way the white pup sat on top of my poor Lt. Warf because our tile floors were cold on his feet. The smile the mate gave me on our wedding day as we said our vows and the preacher omitted 'obey' and substituted 'respect'. The hundred funny things the grands have done. The thousand eggs my sister has given me fresh from the farm. The cheering notes from the other sis. The cat that killed snakes would sit there and the dog the size of a horse that loved me so and the time I had with people important to me.

These are all I can take with me. My feelings and thoughts about the people who have wandered in and out of my life. My love for them, if I have showed it well, will have let them know I cared for them. A shelf like that would make me smile every time I looked at it. It would never need dusting because these things are intangible.

Now I am thinking I have to start giving invisible presents. What a wonderful epiphany! Invisible presents! Time. Visiting. Babysitting. Saying I noticed you did good. Telling a grand how much their help has meant over the years. Saying the words, not just thinking the thought. Taking the time now, not saying, "I'll go over later". Doing a small chore.

The nicest invisible gift I got recently was the dog sitters, even though it turned out I didn't need them. While they were here another friend came over and weeded my front flower bed. That would be on my golden shelf, too. The last invisible gift I gave was visiting the uncle and I will do that again tonight.

So why do I have all these other things? My true and most beloved gifts and treasures are all invisible and care free! That's what I want - a care free life, wrinkle free clothes, no mow lawn covers, and dustless, invisible gifts like the kind words and thoughts you all leave here for me!

I heart me. Those are some good thoughts! What was the last invisible gift you gave and recieved? Tell me in the comments! Happy thoughts!

Your hand in mine stills the thunder

I met the kids buying the bike, we got the money from the bank, had dinner to kill a little time and then went to pick up the bike from my friends home. I took them down to the curve filled road the mate always test drove a bike on and lead them through it at the posted speeds. I have a feeling the man will be back to run it again without his wife on the back and then again, until he whips it good. He was a little wide in a couple curves and rough in a corner or two. But he loves the bike, it's just his size and handles it mostly well.

Afterwards we stopped for a cone and a chat so I could answer any questions he came up with. A friend of mine spotted us and stopped to catch me up on what she is doing, too, as we stood there. When the cones were gone I cut them loose to run back and get their van while I headed....well, hmmm. I started for home, tears on my face in the wind and sobs being held in my chest so I could see to drive. I stopped and bought a pint for my pocket and headed north to find a friend's fire pit and wallow in my grief. I just couldn't stifle it anymore.

But as I came to the first corner I spotted a scruffy old guy walking with a denim vest tossed over his shoulder. I didn't see a break down and I decided, with the help of the little voice in my head, that I should see if he was ok. So I turned around.

I pulled up in front of him and we talked a minute. He didn't get any more endearing on close contact but seemed harmless for all that he just got out of jail. That meant he had walked about two miles in the heat already. I was feeling pretty indestructable, bullet proofed or who gives a damn, so I told him, "Get on, turn your hat around and keep your head low, I don't have an extra helmet."

We took the back roads to Thinks it's a Bigcity I had just left two hours ago. He told me his troubles and I nodded as I drove. All I wanted to do was get him where he was going without getting a ticket for no helmet. We were about a mile on our way when he says, "I had just asked God to send me a ride, I was getting pretty tired, when you pulled up." I couldn't tell him the little voice in my head told me to check on him before he had even asked for help. It was too spooky. I just kept driving.

By the time I dropped him off on that Black Monday evening I was over the need to go north and mourn all over everyone for then so I just headed home the long way. I contemplated the "God's Taxi Service" that I had used in the past for myself and that I had now been a driver for at least twice that I remember. I was still on the "Your Welcome" side of things, really. I have to remember that. Life is ok. Really. Just fine. Honest.

I went the long way home looking for a friend of mine but he not only wasn't home, I got the wrong driveway altogether. There was a man standing on his front porch so I got talking with him. Seems he is a maintainence man for apartments and he referred me to a local contractor he had a high enough opinion of that he had the guy do his home heating system. He said he was HONEST and RELIABLE. Wow! It was the second referrance for the same company so I figure I better call them. And he used to have a band. And a motorcycle that he had the tattoos to go with. He was a nice guy. I could see his wife running the laundry though the windows. I thanked him and left for home.

When I got there I put the bike away, still crying because it was the only bike there. I let the dogs in, fed the cats and went to bed after singing some blues tunes. The plan for the next day was to shop and mail some IOU's out to places and people in need. Maybe look at beds or price furnaces and such to keep me too busy to freak out anymore that day.

I got up and poured the first cup of coffee, blogged, got the email and then about noon on Tuesday, when the coffee was all gone, I started making calls for pricing. But on fencing. I really want the whole yard fenced so I can just let the dogs run. Buck is an old dog now, he has lost all his front bottom teeth. Shadow seems to have learned her lesson about staying in the yard since the time they were lost for three days. They should be fine. I can stop worrying about kids being in the yard when I let them out and they can have real romps. That makes me happy.

I called a local guy first. We talked. He had used fence, he had a fair price. He also, I discovered when he arrived, was an Assistant Chapter Director for the neighbor chapter of GWRRA when we were Chapter Directors for our group. He had shaved his long hair off and I didn't recognize him. I finally figured it out. I told him about selling the bike and no insurance and the crappy neighbors on the back of the place and the tears ran. He was so kind to me as we measured the fencing and such.

When we had solid numbers I had only been 50 feet off - low - on what I needed but I had about a hundred and five feet of my own fencing from the dog pen to use. Then I mentioned I was going to sell my wing. He is taking it for part payment and I am getting 700 feet of fencing in, my fences relocated and my gate relocated at a price that leaves me with a chance for central air/propane run and still leaves a little to get someone to put in the guttering, an antenna and a water heater. God bless the GW friends we made.

And yes, you heard it right. I sold my bike in the deal. It's just like I told him, almost inchoherently, it's just not any fun without my mate. It hurts to ride the bike his love built when he is not here to be proud of it and play with me. So it's done. I can get another if I want to but for this year I am, once again, a cager. One who travels on four wheels. I'm done wishing my friends would call to ask me to ride with them. I am done feeling badly because there are events I want to go to and no one to go with and I am done with only one bike making me feel bad every time I park it. It's done.

For some reason I got hot at two of the places I have coming to price the furnace needs. Let's see, I started calling the one in February and never heard from them after numerous calls and at the other one the guy treated me like I was a moron because I was a woman. I have them coming to bid but will not be using them. The twice referrenced guy is getting the job, whatever I decide to put in.

The fence guy left, the calls were done and now I started to unravel. I could not stuff it down anymore. I gathered those things that no man will ever be good enough to wear again and the things that were just ours, the first vests we rode in, the last 'rag' he wore, my cards to him over the years and such. I called his two best friends and let them know the fire started at 5:30, called the mom and sis to cancel bible study, went to the store for supplies in case anyone showed up, called one more friend of ours and then went to burn the brush pile from the shrubs we pulled out last year.

I made me a big drink, got out the tunes, decided it looked like rain, loaded up a cooler, set up chairs, found the canopy the mate bought last year, found the boom box with the CD player in it, and my friend showed up, then the mate of his oldest best friend and her grand kid, then the sis who never got the message. The mate's two best friends were - again - no call no shows.

KMA and I got the canopy up just before the first sprinkles. It stayed up all night, even when we got real rain and some wind once. We were all snug and comfy with the fire hot enought to keep us warm even at 15 feet of distance. Even the bugs were barely pesty.

I had polish dogs, hot dogs, chips, pickles, cheese, marshmallows and fixings along with beer and coolers in the the cooler. We talked and ate and roasted and burnt our meals. I let the dogs loose then went in for the load of past treasures just after dark. I had been going to feed them in with one last caress apiece and a story about each of them but I just tossed the whole pile in then sat down to watch it all burn. My life with the mate in one box.

My friend, KMA and the sis really got into the fire thing. It started slow but got cooking as they kept hauling wood. We all had beverages, I was the only one drinking, and chatted while the sun set. The mate of his oldest best friend and her grand kid left just before dark. KMA stayed till almost eleven, the sis made it till midnight. I stayed, through wind, rain and fire, till one a.m. and listened to the mate's tunes on the mate's boom box.

I had half a bottle of vodka and half a bottle of kaluha and never got a buzz. Not even numb lips. I cried and my answer for everything was "Don't care". I cried and grieved and mourned the mate and the mate's bike and my bike and our life together until I thought my eyes would swell shut. I put more wood on the fire to keep the rain from putting it out until I was done with it.

I finally went in to bed because I had to go to work today. I hosed around the fire and left it for the rain to put out. I put away most of the food and put the coffee on then set the alarms and read for a minute before giving up and crying myself to sleep.

My eyes are swollen and tender, my sinuses are nasty and my face feels like it was slapped five times on each cheek. But I was up and off to work on time. I am just not talking much today. I think this was the worst of it. I think I can go on with the house now and with the music and with the animals and without the friends that aren't and the mate that isn't and have a life.

I have good family, I have some friends, I have the music, I am not dead. I have what I need to get the house fixed up. The roof doesn't leak and the doors all lock. I have plenty to share with others. I'm going to keep trying to have fun and love the ones I'm with every day.

But if you have a mate, give them a big hug today from us, would you please?

M is for the million things she gave me

Today's post is brought to you by the letter "M". Muah, Mmmmm. May, Ma, Me, Mi, Mo, Mu. Most might make "me" their major matter in an "M" optimised meandering. Myself, I felt the mandated "M" word must be "Mother".

1. Mother - How can I measure the meaning of my mother to me? She has loved me through the good, bad, excellent and evil things I have done. She has maintained her maternal motivation to the point that she is still bringing home "rent a kids" to teach, love and "mother" even now. If everyone had my mother the world would be filled with mannerly, well behaved adults with a work ethic and kind hearts......or ELSE! LOL!

2. Men - now there is an "M" word for you! Men have a large place in my life. I like them. I like big, strong, smart, mechanical, protective and affectionate men. I like little nerdy ones. I like tough ones and tall ones. I miss mine. I want one again before I go. Men have been my teachers, my downfall, my cheerleaders, my friends, and they...

3. Mystify - me. Most of the interaction between humans mystifies me. I miss most of it. I don't see the subtle side of many social interrelationships. The whole "If I do this, soandso will do that and then theother will do this and I get my way" kind of thing is beyond me. I just go ask the other to help me with whatever and skip all the middle crap. I don't know how to do anything else. If I tell you that you did a job well, that's all it means, I think you did well. I am not trying to motivate you or get you to tell someone else that I told you that you did a good job and get them pissed because I didn't tell them they did a good job. ...nope. I can't even think like that without hurting my head. Men mystify me, people in general mystify me. It's why I am so interested in all of you. It's my study time when I am reading blogs.

4. Motorcycles - The list would be false without this word. They were there since I was big enough to go outside and there is one in almost every year of my life. These machines let me move on down the road by myself with just it and my skill between me and mutilation or matriculation into another state of being. You never just "ride" a motorcycle, you maneuver it, coax it, control it, and master it into taking you safely where you want to go. With the motor thrumming and the wind in my face I am in the traveling zone and free to be myself. They are the ultimate representation of freedom to many, to me they are my escape from being just another little old lady, letting me claim my uniqueness.

5. Mice - I hate them. I will walk through a snake pit to avoid a mouse house. They are my one "typical" female reaction stimulus and I hate that they make me scream, jump and run away. I have to get up the courage of David to empty a trap.

6. Mystery - Sherlock Holmes or who invented butter, I love a mystery. The world is a mystery. It means we will never know it all so it’s a promise of a puzzle for everyone ever born to solve.

7. Melodious - Music that wraps around my heart and soul, claiming my attention and absorbing me into it. My wind chimes are a good set and their melody actually does let me know when the wind is blowing. They have a melodious tuning. I love them quietly chiming in the background.
8. Manners - Required by mothers even from men on motorcycles! The small thing that keeps us from killing each other off. Should be a compulsory class in them in 2nd grade. Not taught well to our young anymore and it is a great saddness.

9. Missed - Missed the boat, missed the target, missed by a mile, mis-quoted, missed the point, this word always means it got screwed up. I miss the mate.
10. Mate - Partner, pal, the other half, friend, blood brother, check mate, mated, mating, One of a matching set of two. This word was the one I choose to call my man, not just here on the blog instead of his name, but as a pet name in real life. As in, "Hey, Mate! Will you scratch my itch if I scratch yours?" Because he was the match to me, that made us a pair, and I liked mating with him...LOL! I may have friends with benefits, boy friends, maybe even a husband some day but I don’t think I will ever find another mate. This word is retired now.

Storms Never Last, do they, Baby

Bad times all pass with the wind. It's just a little windy here today. I hope it means the bad times are passing. But the song says nothing about standing in the wind while it is blowing gale force.

I am signing off the mate's bike today and, once again, have gotten surprised at the depth of my emotions in relation to an object that has meaning to me only because of who owned it. I called in and begged off work. While I am maintaining an even appearing, tear free facade at this time I am afraid of crumbling unexpectedly so have avoided the possibility of coming apart at the office by not going. As for keeping it together as I turn over the keys to the new owner, who knows?

I was going to mow yesterday but it was too nice out. I had a bartender tell me her Sundays are slow and lonely so come on in and bring the guitar. I wanted to take the bike for a ride. Anything but chores. I ended up in the red truck with the guitar and went to two places and played. I called it practicing and it really was. I took all my cheat sheets and worked out the keys to the tunes, transposed the chords where I had to and worked till I got each song at least in my head partly. I also started a song list.

I played enough that my fingers are tender and it was enjoyed enough I am not afraid to go back to either place. That's good enough for me. Plus I got one song really right and that felt SO GOOD! Now I remember why I have to work at this. When it's all right it makes me smile in my soul and when it's not it makes me cringe and blush. I hate cringing!

So I am going out to try and get the yard mowed today while I wait for the appointed time to arrive. I will probably pick up on a couple other chores today also. It seems a shame to waste a nice day on chores but I need to do something common and everyday like to keep the day mundane as much as possible. It's going to get too wild later.

I took tomorrow off, too, so I can recover at my own pace. I have to deal with only one bike ever being in the garage, never following those tail lights again, and all the rest of the no mate issues this is bringing to the top of my heart. I have to stay in control.

Sometimes I just want to torch the place and all the stuff in it so no one ever lives here again and it sends the smoke of our love to the skies. Plus I don't have to sort it all out that way....LOL! It's not practical, and I won't do it, but I wonder sometimes, when I am in the grip of my emotions and not in control of my actions a hundred percent, what I might do. Until I get past the pit trap I don't know how I will react.

So I have a 24 hour safety net and if this is the one that sends me edgeward I have time to indulge myself with whatever seems appropriate; tears, rage, silent shock, whatever. Then I will get on with making this place easy to care for by myself and as comfy as it can be with just me here.

I came up with a goal of getting all my personal belongings into the bedroom with me. That would make the rest of the house easier to clean and keep up. I think it's do-able. My desk is the biggest mess I have to clear out and part of that is because it is just not a very good desk. The rest of the place I will thin out again and then try to get organized as I replace and clean and paint and repair it all.

Cora (http://maydensvoyage.blogspot.com) was tagged (http://macme.blogspot.com) and given a letter. She had to come up with 10 words starting with that letter and tell what each word meant to her. (This is supposed to be a tool for getting to know someone better.) Her letter was "L" and she had an interesting post. (http://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=21103988&postID=114830899733781749) She offered to give a letter to anyone who wanted to play along. I asked, and got the letter "M". That will be tomorrow folks. See you then.

Ohhhhh, lonesome me

But not just me.

So I'm lonely. There, that wasn't so hard. Everyone gets lonely. The keeping busy is a good thing and so I am trying. And it's not like I'm the only one. My Uncle had 53 years with his mate and she just left a couple weeks ago.

After work last night I gave him a ring and set up to take dinner in for us. He didn't want to go out but I know he didn't want to cook. I have now learned he likes a big burger, coke and fries for dinner. If that's what makes him feel good, fine by me. So I ran by the local ffj and raced to get it all over there hot. I had to kick the door because my hands were full. I waited.

He was on the phone and all upset with the boy cousins. They have never been what you might call good boys and they don't quite make the cut for bad boys. I guess you'd just call them screw ups. One of them is back in the pokey for d & d. He took some stuff from the house that Uncle had to arrange to get back. Not money stuff, family stuff. It really makes no sense he'd need to protect it or have it all to himself but the drinking makes things seem over sized that are small.

Who knows what he was thinking. It's just one more heartache for his dad and I could cuff him! The other cousin was off who knows where doing who knows what and that left their dad alone in his grief. Not a good thing this soon. I can't even offer to take the other cousin in for a vacation because they steal from family.

We finally got set down to dinner. I put out real glasses for the beverages then divied up the burgers and fries. I learned that the girls have been getting groceries for him and stopping in but they have families, too, and it's hard on all of them right now. My aunt always sat on a stool in the kitchen where she could get the phone, watch the birds, smoke, get a cup of coffee and keep an eye on the door.

The coffee cup is in the cupboard, the stool pushed into a corner, the ashtrays all washed and stacked on the counter. I know it must be empty for him with it like that but there is nothing I can do except distract him. As we ate it was obvious he had needed someone to talk about getting the corn in, not being able to go to the cabin yet, the trouble the boys were being and such. I knew what he needed there so I mostly listened and chimed in if I had a comment. Now I know what he likes to eat and I know he goes to bed really early to work in the cool of the day. I learned he reads in bed, like I do, and that he's reading about an Alaskan family making off the land a long time ago.

I didn't even know the uncle could talk, aunt always talked and he just smiled along when we were there. When he started going on about how much he enjoyed dinner I offered to make it a regular Friday night thing for a while. He was tickled and said we'd hit the local bar sometime for dinner but he just didn't feel like it yet. Would I please come but some times he's got things to do. So I gave him the phone numbers and told him canecl any time he needed to because it was ok with me either way.

He was so grateful and when I went to leave he gave me such a hug....Poor old guy. I felt so bad for him that for a minute I forgot to feel bad for myself, thank goodness! About time and all that.

On the way home I had to get gas so I headed back where my checks are good. The bike shop was full of my pals from the chapter so I u-turned and went back. I wanted to take a minute to say hi but, more importantly, I had to tell the friend where the bike is that I needed him to meet me Monday to pass on the bike to the new owner.

The kid finally managed, with a little help, to get financing. It's a done deal and we close it Monday afternoon. It is making me cry again but I am trying to remember he would have done it for me if I needed it and I need it. If I can get this place the way it needs to be before winter again I can stay here. For all it's too much house and yard I can still afford it on my wages and I can't say that about other housing options right now.

So the mower will be paid right off and there will be nothing but the house and utilities and my god projects. If I cut the entertainment budget back down I can even start making extra payments on the house. If the trucks will just keep running I can save up the money for when I need a new one. That's it for planning ahead.

While I was at the shop I ran into the other widow from our chapter. She lost her mate to an undiagnosed in time cancer in the same month I lost mine. We had a little private chat in the parking lot and pretty much see the same things in each other. Her doc wants her to go to grief counseling. Moron.

We're sad! It's NORMAL! LOL, probably the most normal I have ever been in my life is this time of grieving. We both laughed. We don't need counseling on grieving, we just need to be allowed to do it! The old stand by, "It takes time" is hard to remember and harder to cope with. We want it over now. We want to get moving on but we are both in love with dead men. That is just the way it is for now. It took me two years to get over my first divorce and I wanted it badly. But the lack of confidence, insecurity and attitude toward men took time to heal then and this will take time now.

All you can do it the best you can do. I am up, working and functioning most of the time. I don't expect much from myself and I give me extra treats, like nights out, to keep me going. With no one to play with I get lonely. So I do what I can to fix that, too. It didn't hurt me a bit to have someone to eat with and chat about our days events. So, ya, I will be dining with the uncle on Fridays, Bible study Tuesdays and Chores on Monday with music on Thursday. That leave Wednesday for new things to try and the weekend to fill. I can do this. I can do this. I CAN!

Can't get over what he's done to meeeee

The bible study went well. We celebrated Sis Cee's bday with strawberry short cake and it was yummy. The discussions went deep and we enjoyed our learnings.

Wednesday after work the problem raised it's head again. It's one I have been dealing with more each week instead of less and I have not figured out what to do about it.

I don't want to go home.

I don't want to walk in to no one, no hugs, no love, no friend again. It hurts every night that I am not too busy to think about it. I don't want to go home to no meal, no TV on, no smiles. I don't want to go home to the messy porch, floors needing mopped and dishes to do by myself for myself. I have to MAKE myself go home to let animals in and out and feed them.

Sometimes I do ok, others I break down on the side of the road. Wednesday was shaping up for a break down. I went to visit friends, instead. I spent an hour or two with one couple and an hour or better with a second couple. I got to catch up with what was going on with all of them and it got my heart settled down and distracted. They had worse trouble than I did. I hadn't eaten and then it was too late to get food around here in rural BFE so I went home finally.

I made it without getting too weird and I didn't have to call the machine I have been talking to so I can make it home. I have a friend who is never there but who lets me use the machine to get the stress out. One time last week they answered and I dropped the phone in shock.

Thursday is ok, I have jam session. I did one song well and screwed up a song big time last night but even that is ok, it makes me go home and practice more so I am kept doing something instead of sitting around whining. I love accoustic jams! There are a lot of talented players there and the singers are fun, too. I especially love the piano player, she rocks! I am tired after so I can just go home and crash. I eat before I go so I don't have to even cook.

But it's Friday again. I have a plan but I don't know, the weather is turning nasty and I may have to go home first.

I don't want to go home and I don't want to be here....it makes me wish I drank beer. There is probably at least a song in it somewhere. I wrote part of it on back of a flyer at the poker run Sunday. I guess I better dig it out.

I will probably check out the new bar with music every weekend and see what the crowd there is like. I have some riding I want to do and the lawn needs mowed again. I have flowers to plant, too. It's not like there is nothing to do, there is just no one to do it with and I am not liking it. Not one bit. I want someone to play with but more than that I want someone who LIKES me, thinks I am cute, tells me they like my cooking, gets the hose while I dig the bulbs in. I want someone I like to hang with - to tell how sweet they are and how much I love hangin with them...

Positive affimation. I had it everyday. I was a good partner, a good friend, an excellent lover, a good wife, a fun buddy, a good cook and a great grease monkey. He had it, too. Not one day without being appreciated and told so or showed so.

Now the house just sits there and lurks for me. It's just a roof over my head, not the refuge it always was before when I couldn't get home quickly enough. Stupid house.