You make the sun want to shine

I made it through yesterday. I am not Missy Cheerful yet but I made it to work. I didn't go to the jam session though. I just didn't feel like it. I drove around on some of the roads the mate took me on for our first ride. I stopped at the place he got the bird bath from (way expensive in my book and on the credit card no less! But the birds were using it in under an hour and do still, everyday.) several years ago for a present for me. Then I went to dinner at a place I had never eaten before. I was home by eight. The dogs were antsy to get in and the cats were annoyed that their dinner was late.

I corrected the empty bowls for them, sat down and turned on the machine to get the mail. I had a note from the BFF I haven't heard from. I wrote a detailed letter back to him. I hope I said everything ok. Then one of the furnace companies came by and sized me up but left me to hang till next week for an offical estimate. I have another coming Saturday morning.

I went back to the machine and played some cards. I dinked around outside after dark fixing the awing that blew down and moving the chairs back under it and such. I brought in the boom box and put it away. I scoped out what I still had to burn and noted that I need wood. I will probably start trimming trees and such this weekend. I decided the music is all well and good but that the yard is still behind and thought I might be able to stay home and work on it more for a while.

I was just sad. Not hysterical, not miserable, just sad. I thought of all the things I had moved, set up, transfered and still had to buy and got thinking about "things". Material things. Things we are supposed to dust and keep arranged neatly. Things I burned and things I kept. Things I could get rid of and things I had gotten rid of. Things I use all the time and things I only use once a year. Stuff. Stuff stuffed standing in strange places, like the stuff on top of the fridge.

I thought about how I feel about it all. I am a raven, I like shiny stuff. I am a grasshopper, I don't need very much stuff but I have too much. I have been thinning the ranks and intend to continue to do so. Some of it will be going because I can't move it myself. Some of it will be staying because I can't bear to let it go. Which is silly. I can't take it with me, I am not using it and it is not even making me smile when I look at it anymore. I should get rid of it.

And maybe I will. I am passing on to the kids anything they seem to have a craving for as their inheritence. I am passing on some for the grands for the same reason. And friends have a stack of photos and such for them waiting here. When that is all gone I will continue to thin the rest. I think the goal is to get it down to just what I use and what makes me feel good. That is a pretty short list. There won't be much for the kids when I go in memoribilia but there will be a little cash for them and I hope they spend it on fun things to do and not bills.

The point here? I don't know if there is one. But I know others can USE what I only stack up and move around. Others may need what I have too many of and I feel that continuing to have too much stuff is just greed. If stuff it the measure of a life we had a full life together. I like to think the thoughts, ideas, beliefs and songs I leave behind will mean more than stuff.

I don't like to spend time doing chores and laundry. With less things there are fewer hours devoted to the care of them. More hours to spend with friends and family and creating and writing and singing. Or just fishing and doing things I enjoy. That is a goodness.

I have already lessened the stress level from stuff that doesn't work like it should. That lesson is well learned and I have applied it to several small annoyances as well as the mowers and the picnic table. I feel much better now and more in control of what upsets me and what doesn't. This is also good.

It bothers me that I can not put a little, golden shelf up and set upon it the first kiss I had from the mate and the first kiss I had when we got back together. The way he held me when Dad died or the hours he spent making the home and yard work better or look better. The time he took out a loan on his bike for me. The time my eldest told me I did well enough as a Mom, the look in the eyes of #1Son as he held his new daughter, the anger from the mate's eldest as she told of rescuing a kitten from boys throwing darts at it and the love between the mate's youngest and her man as they reconciled after a rough spot in their love. The tenderness between the friends that almost broke up but didn't after finding out the trouble was not all of the heart but medical and treatable. The way the white pup sat on top of my poor Lt. Warf because our tile floors were cold on his feet. The smile the mate gave me on our wedding day as we said our vows and the preacher omitted 'obey' and substituted 'respect'. The hundred funny things the grands have done. The thousand eggs my sister has given me fresh from the farm. The cheering notes from the other sis. The cat that killed snakes would sit there and the dog the size of a horse that loved me so and the time I had with people important to me.

These are all I can take with me. My feelings and thoughts about the people who have wandered in and out of my life. My love for them, if I have showed it well, will have let them know I cared for them. A shelf like that would make me smile every time I looked at it. It would never need dusting because these things are intangible.

Now I am thinking I have to start giving invisible presents. What a wonderful epiphany! Invisible presents! Time. Visiting. Babysitting. Saying I noticed you did good. Telling a grand how much their help has meant over the years. Saying the words, not just thinking the thought. Taking the time now, not saying, "I'll go over later". Doing a small chore.

The nicest invisible gift I got recently was the dog sitters, even though it turned out I didn't need them. While they were here another friend came over and weeded my front flower bed. That would be on my golden shelf, too. The last invisible gift I gave was visiting the uncle and I will do that again tonight.

So why do I have all these other things? My true and most beloved gifts and treasures are all invisible and care free! That's what I want - a care free life, wrinkle free clothes, no mow lawn covers, and dustless, invisible gifts like the kind words and thoughts you all leave here for me!

I heart me. Those are some good thoughts! What was the last invisible gift you gave and recieved? Tell me in the comments! Happy thoughts!