Ohhhhh, lonesome me

But not just me.

So I'm lonely. There, that wasn't so hard. Everyone gets lonely. The keeping busy is a good thing and so I am trying. And it's not like I'm the only one. My Uncle had 53 years with his mate and she just left a couple weeks ago.

After work last night I gave him a ring and set up to take dinner in for us. He didn't want to go out but I know he didn't want to cook. I have now learned he likes a big burger, coke and fries for dinner. If that's what makes him feel good, fine by me. So I ran by the local ffj and raced to get it all over there hot. I had to kick the door because my hands were full. I waited.

He was on the phone and all upset with the boy cousins. They have never been what you might call good boys and they don't quite make the cut for bad boys. I guess you'd just call them screw ups. One of them is back in the pokey for d & d. He took some stuff from the house that Uncle had to arrange to get back. Not money stuff, family stuff. It really makes no sense he'd need to protect it or have it all to himself but the drinking makes things seem over sized that are small.

Who knows what he was thinking. It's just one more heartache for his dad and I could cuff him! The other cousin was off who knows where doing who knows what and that left their dad alone in his grief. Not a good thing this soon. I can't even offer to take the other cousin in for a vacation because they steal from family.

We finally got set down to dinner. I put out real glasses for the beverages then divied up the burgers and fries. I learned that the girls have been getting groceries for him and stopping in but they have families, too, and it's hard on all of them right now. My aunt always sat on a stool in the kitchen where she could get the phone, watch the birds, smoke, get a cup of coffee and keep an eye on the door.

The coffee cup is in the cupboard, the stool pushed into a corner, the ashtrays all washed and stacked on the counter. I know it must be empty for him with it like that but there is nothing I can do except distract him. As we ate it was obvious he had needed someone to talk about getting the corn in, not being able to go to the cabin yet, the trouble the boys were being and such. I knew what he needed there so I mostly listened and chimed in if I had a comment. Now I know what he likes to eat and I know he goes to bed really early to work in the cool of the day. I learned he reads in bed, like I do, and that he's reading about an Alaskan family making off the land a long time ago.

I didn't even know the uncle could talk, aunt always talked and he just smiled along when we were there. When he started going on about how much he enjoyed dinner I offered to make it a regular Friday night thing for a while. He was tickled and said we'd hit the local bar sometime for dinner but he just didn't feel like it yet. Would I please come but some times he's got things to do. So I gave him the phone numbers and told him canecl any time he needed to because it was ok with me either way.

He was so grateful and when I went to leave he gave me such a hug....Poor old guy. I felt so bad for him that for a minute I forgot to feel bad for myself, thank goodness! About time and all that.

On the way home I had to get gas so I headed back where my checks are good. The bike shop was full of my pals from the chapter so I u-turned and went back. I wanted to take a minute to say hi but, more importantly, I had to tell the friend where the bike is that I needed him to meet me Monday to pass on the bike to the new owner.

The kid finally managed, with a little help, to get financing. It's a done deal and we close it Monday afternoon. It is making me cry again but I am trying to remember he would have done it for me if I needed it and I need it. If I can get this place the way it needs to be before winter again I can stay here. For all it's too much house and yard I can still afford it on my wages and I can't say that about other housing options right now.

So the mower will be paid right off and there will be nothing but the house and utilities and my god projects. If I cut the entertainment budget back down I can even start making extra payments on the house. If the trucks will just keep running I can save up the money for when I need a new one. That's it for planning ahead.

While I was at the shop I ran into the other widow from our chapter. She lost her mate to an undiagnosed in time cancer in the same month I lost mine. We had a little private chat in the parking lot and pretty much see the same things in each other. Her doc wants her to go to grief counseling. Moron.

We're sad! It's NORMAL! LOL, probably the most normal I have ever been in my life is this time of grieving. We both laughed. We don't need counseling on grieving, we just need to be allowed to do it! The old stand by, "It takes time" is hard to remember and harder to cope with. We want it over now. We want to get moving on but we are both in love with dead men. That is just the way it is for now. It took me two years to get over my first divorce and I wanted it badly. But the lack of confidence, insecurity and attitude toward men took time to heal then and this will take time now.

All you can do it the best you can do. I am up, working and functioning most of the time. I don't expect much from myself and I give me extra treats, like nights out, to keep me going. With no one to play with I get lonely. So I do what I can to fix that, too. It didn't hurt me a bit to have someone to eat with and chat about our days events. So, ya, I will be dining with the uncle on Fridays, Bible study Tuesdays and Chores on Monday with music on Thursday. That leave Wednesday for new things to try and the weekend to fill. I can do this. I can do this. I CAN!