Your hand in mine stills the thunder

I met the kids buying the bike, we got the money from the bank, had dinner to kill a little time and then went to pick up the bike from my friends home. I took them down to the curve filled road the mate always test drove a bike on and lead them through it at the posted speeds. I have a feeling the man will be back to run it again without his wife on the back and then again, until he whips it good. He was a little wide in a couple curves and rough in a corner or two. But he loves the bike, it's just his size and handles it mostly well.

Afterwards we stopped for a cone and a chat so I could answer any questions he came up with. A friend of mine spotted us and stopped to catch me up on what she is doing, too, as we stood there. When the cones were gone I cut them loose to run back and get their van while I headed....well, hmmm. I started for home, tears on my face in the wind and sobs being held in my chest so I could see to drive. I stopped and bought a pint for my pocket and headed north to find a friend's fire pit and wallow in my grief. I just couldn't stifle it anymore.

But as I came to the first corner I spotted a scruffy old guy walking with a denim vest tossed over his shoulder. I didn't see a break down and I decided, with the help of the little voice in my head, that I should see if he was ok. So I turned around.

I pulled up in front of him and we talked a minute. He didn't get any more endearing on close contact but seemed harmless for all that he just got out of jail. That meant he had walked about two miles in the heat already. I was feeling pretty indestructable, bullet proofed or who gives a damn, so I told him, "Get on, turn your hat around and keep your head low, I don't have an extra helmet."

We took the back roads to Thinks it's a Bigcity I had just left two hours ago. He told me his troubles and I nodded as I drove. All I wanted to do was get him where he was going without getting a ticket for no helmet. We were about a mile on our way when he says, "I had just asked God to send me a ride, I was getting pretty tired, when you pulled up." I couldn't tell him the little voice in my head told me to check on him before he had even asked for help. It was too spooky. I just kept driving.

By the time I dropped him off on that Black Monday evening I was over the need to go north and mourn all over everyone for then so I just headed home the long way. I contemplated the "God's Taxi Service" that I had used in the past for myself and that I had now been a driver for at least twice that I remember. I was still on the "Your Welcome" side of things, really. I have to remember that. Life is ok. Really. Just fine. Honest.

I went the long way home looking for a friend of mine but he not only wasn't home, I got the wrong driveway altogether. There was a man standing on his front porch so I got talking with him. Seems he is a maintainence man for apartments and he referred me to a local contractor he had a high enough opinion of that he had the guy do his home heating system. He said he was HONEST and RELIABLE. Wow! It was the second referrance for the same company so I figure I better call them. And he used to have a band. And a motorcycle that he had the tattoos to go with. He was a nice guy. I could see his wife running the laundry though the windows. I thanked him and left for home.

When I got there I put the bike away, still crying because it was the only bike there. I let the dogs in, fed the cats and went to bed after singing some blues tunes. The plan for the next day was to shop and mail some IOU's out to places and people in need. Maybe look at beds or price furnaces and such to keep me too busy to freak out anymore that day.

I got up and poured the first cup of coffee, blogged, got the email and then about noon on Tuesday, when the coffee was all gone, I started making calls for pricing. But on fencing. I really want the whole yard fenced so I can just let the dogs run. Buck is an old dog now, he has lost all his front bottom teeth. Shadow seems to have learned her lesson about staying in the yard since the time they were lost for three days. They should be fine. I can stop worrying about kids being in the yard when I let them out and they can have real romps. That makes me happy.

I called a local guy first. We talked. He had used fence, he had a fair price. He also, I discovered when he arrived, was an Assistant Chapter Director for the neighbor chapter of GWRRA when we were Chapter Directors for our group. He had shaved his long hair off and I didn't recognize him. I finally figured it out. I told him about selling the bike and no insurance and the crappy neighbors on the back of the place and the tears ran. He was so kind to me as we measured the fencing and such.

When we had solid numbers I had only been 50 feet off - low - on what I needed but I had about a hundred and five feet of my own fencing from the dog pen to use. Then I mentioned I was going to sell my wing. He is taking it for part payment and I am getting 700 feet of fencing in, my fences relocated and my gate relocated at a price that leaves me with a chance for central air/propane run and still leaves a little to get someone to put in the guttering, an antenna and a water heater. God bless the GW friends we made.

And yes, you heard it right. I sold my bike in the deal. It's just like I told him, almost inchoherently, it's just not any fun without my mate. It hurts to ride the bike his love built when he is not here to be proud of it and play with me. So it's done. I can get another if I want to but for this year I am, once again, a cager. One who travels on four wheels. I'm done wishing my friends would call to ask me to ride with them. I am done feeling badly because there are events I want to go to and no one to go with and I am done with only one bike making me feel bad every time I park it. It's done.

For some reason I got hot at two of the places I have coming to price the furnace needs. Let's see, I started calling the one in February and never heard from them after numerous calls and at the other one the guy treated me like I was a moron because I was a woman. I have them coming to bid but will not be using them. The twice referrenced guy is getting the job, whatever I decide to put in.

The fence guy left, the calls were done and now I started to unravel. I could not stuff it down anymore. I gathered those things that no man will ever be good enough to wear again and the things that were just ours, the first vests we rode in, the last 'rag' he wore, my cards to him over the years and such. I called his two best friends and let them know the fire started at 5:30, called the mom and sis to cancel bible study, went to the store for supplies in case anyone showed up, called one more friend of ours and then went to burn the brush pile from the shrubs we pulled out last year.

I made me a big drink, got out the tunes, decided it looked like rain, loaded up a cooler, set up chairs, found the canopy the mate bought last year, found the boom box with the CD player in it, and my friend showed up, then the mate of his oldest best friend and her grand kid, then the sis who never got the message. The mate's two best friends were - again - no call no shows.

KMA and I got the canopy up just before the first sprinkles. It stayed up all night, even when we got real rain and some wind once. We were all snug and comfy with the fire hot enought to keep us warm even at 15 feet of distance. Even the bugs were barely pesty.

I had polish dogs, hot dogs, chips, pickles, cheese, marshmallows and fixings along with beer and coolers in the the cooler. We talked and ate and roasted and burnt our meals. I let the dogs loose then went in for the load of past treasures just after dark. I had been going to feed them in with one last caress apiece and a story about each of them but I just tossed the whole pile in then sat down to watch it all burn. My life with the mate in one box.

My friend, KMA and the sis really got into the fire thing. It started slow but got cooking as they kept hauling wood. We all had beverages, I was the only one drinking, and chatted while the sun set. The mate of his oldest best friend and her grand kid left just before dark. KMA stayed till almost eleven, the sis made it till midnight. I stayed, through wind, rain and fire, till one a.m. and listened to the mate's tunes on the mate's boom box.

I had half a bottle of vodka and half a bottle of kaluha and never got a buzz. Not even numb lips. I cried and my answer for everything was "Don't care". I cried and grieved and mourned the mate and the mate's bike and my bike and our life together until I thought my eyes would swell shut. I put more wood on the fire to keep the rain from putting it out until I was done with it.

I finally went in to bed because I had to go to work today. I hosed around the fire and left it for the rain to put out. I put away most of the food and put the coffee on then set the alarms and read for a minute before giving up and crying myself to sleep.

My eyes are swollen and tender, my sinuses are nasty and my face feels like it was slapped five times on each cheek. But I was up and off to work on time. I am just not talking much today. I think this was the worst of it. I think I can go on with the house now and with the music and with the animals and without the friends that aren't and the mate that isn't and have a life.

I have good family, I have some friends, I have the music, I am not dead. I have what I need to get the house fixed up. The roof doesn't leak and the doors all lock. I have plenty to share with others. I'm going to keep trying to have fun and love the ones I'm with every day.

But if you have a mate, give them a big hug today from us, would you please?