Can't get over what he's done to meeeee

The bible study went well. We celebrated Sis Cee's bday with strawberry short cake and it was yummy. The discussions went deep and we enjoyed our learnings.

Wednesday after work the problem raised it's head again. It's one I have been dealing with more each week instead of less and I have not figured out what to do about it.

I don't want to go home.

I don't want to walk in to no one, no hugs, no love, no friend again. It hurts every night that I am not too busy to think about it. I don't want to go home to no meal, no TV on, no smiles. I don't want to go home to the messy porch, floors needing mopped and dishes to do by myself for myself. I have to MAKE myself go home to let animals in and out and feed them.

Sometimes I do ok, others I break down on the side of the road. Wednesday was shaping up for a break down. I went to visit friends, instead. I spent an hour or two with one couple and an hour or better with a second couple. I got to catch up with what was going on with all of them and it got my heart settled down and distracted. They had worse trouble than I did. I hadn't eaten and then it was too late to get food around here in rural BFE so I went home finally.

I made it without getting too weird and I didn't have to call the machine I have been talking to so I can make it home. I have a friend who is never there but who lets me use the machine to get the stress out. One time last week they answered and I dropped the phone in shock.

Thursday is ok, I have jam session. I did one song well and screwed up a song big time last night but even that is ok, it makes me go home and practice more so I am kept doing something instead of sitting around whining. I love accoustic jams! There are a lot of talented players there and the singers are fun, too. I especially love the piano player, she rocks! I am tired after so I can just go home and crash. I eat before I go so I don't have to even cook.

But it's Friday again. I have a plan but I don't know, the weather is turning nasty and I may have to go home first.

I don't want to go home and I don't want to be here....it makes me wish I drank beer. There is probably at least a song in it somewhere. I wrote part of it on back of a flyer at the poker run Sunday. I guess I better dig it out.

I will probably check out the new bar with music every weekend and see what the crowd there is like. I have some riding I want to do and the lawn needs mowed again. I have flowers to plant, too. It's not like there is nothing to do, there is just no one to do it with and I am not liking it. Not one bit. I want someone to play with but more than that I want someone who LIKES me, thinks I am cute, tells me they like my cooking, gets the hose while I dig the bulbs in. I want someone I like to hang with - to tell how sweet they are and how much I love hangin with them...

Positive affimation. I had it everyday. I was a good partner, a good friend, an excellent lover, a good wife, a fun buddy, a good cook and a great grease monkey. He had it, too. Not one day without being appreciated and told so or showed so.

Now the house just sits there and lurks for me. It's just a roof over my head, not the refuge it always was before when I couldn't get home quickly enough. Stupid house.