I can't get NO

no satisfaction!

Well, I think I've used that song before...LOL.. but this time it's because I am not omnipotent...I don't know everything everywhere and I WANT to KNOW.

No word on the missing friend...but that may be the good news. If he was down, he'd be found and the phone would ring.

The one with the sore heart reaching out is quiet today, too. I shortened up yesterday to take a call from him. He was doing better. That is good news. Couldn't write and talk at the same time (go figure) so had to shut you guys off. Sorry.

The bike is supposed to be down by Sunday. That is good news. Have to get plates and ins. before I can ride it. Bad news, have to wait for Monday. Sighing heavy.... BUT will have a bike!!

I have been hanging around craigslist forums. I hit several of them but mostly dying or, better known as death and dying. D&D. There are some amazingly astute and compasionate people there trying to help each other through so much.

Then there are the trouble makers. People who just want to shock and repel you to prove they are not lovable. I'm chosing to ignore them if they aren't too rude about it. I flag the post if they are hurtful to others in my opinion.

Over on LTR, long term relationships, I found more and some of the same people trying to help each other work through learning to get along with a partner. Good people there, too.

There is more available. It's a place to make contact with other who can't sleep. I have been very concerned for several friends this week and it made for some long nights. The forums helped. Others are having so much more serious trouble than I am, it puts mine in perspective.

No Worries! It's all good.

But I'd feel better if I knew all was well with those I care about. So I'm still waiting to hear. Will keep you posted.

Thanks for listening!

where have all the young men gone

long time passin'.

I'm dealing with one friend reported missing and seriously fallen off the wagon. I have another friend toughing life out alone, even though others would help by being there.

I should have been on my way back from a north city with my bike in the back of the truck but am waiting for weekend delivery so C2girl's mate can finish the assembly. I hates waiting. But it will be better, warmer and sunnier so I'm (grrrrrr!) waiting.

I'm worried about several friends today. The two above I have known a few years and both are, what I think of and only in my opinion, very sensitive men. They know what hurt is and what a heart is and recently their hearts have been hurt.

more later

Stay awake, don't rest your head

is from Mary Poppins. I got reacquainted with it last night. I went over to visit the grands and #1DIL. #1son is dealing with his father's sudden ill health in a far away state. Our hearts are sore for him so we comforted each other with simple joys and distractions.

I took over some more suet. The squirrels stole the last one, feeder sack and all! I took the wire one this time and hung it from the bottom of the other feeder. They will probably figure it out but it might take longer this time. We all went out to fill the feeder and load the suet cage. It was not just fun then, but when we went to look out the window there was already a sparrow on the feeder. The titmouse came next and then the chickadee landed on the other side. THAT was fun! The grand and I watched awhile and #1DIL made us a healthy supper that was yummy.

We put the movie in during dinner because of time issues. It was getting late. The grandboy was with us most of the time but faded out just after dinner. He woke up once but pretty much just faded back to sleep.

My #1DIL is so wishing to be with her mate right now. It's not only not practical but it's not possible right now. I know they need some major together time. My son's father is dying. He went to do what was needed for his father with his uncle this week. He gets back today.

WARNING: Sudden right turn here...hang on.

My first husband has a cancerous tumor in his brain. We only found out about three weeks ago. His roommate got him to the hospital when he couldn't talk any sense. The tumor is taking his words and memories. "He" is not all the way gone, but going quickly. His "self" is only partly there. He didn't know his son or his brother and their hearts hurt from it.

Last week he started refusing to eat. The doctors think he will die in a week if he doesn't eat. Because he is not fully functional, the decision to force feed or let him continue to avoid food had to be made by my son, daughter and their uncle. They gathered opinions but, in the end, the final, official decision was their very sad and heavy responsibility. Why?

LISTEN UP, PEOPLE!!

NO LIVING WILL. We think we know how the man would choose but we haven't had regular contact with him for years....And so my children have to wonder if they did the right thing for this father the rest of their lives; To decide to let their father die.

No money, no insurance, no will, no preparation. ARE YOU LISTENING?

My beloved son had to decide to let his father die and my also beloved Eldest Girl, will be paying for his cremation.

Neither of them have had much contact with their father. He did some very bad things in their lives that left them with no love for him in their hearts. But even then, he's your dad. Even when he's a loser that hurts people, he's your daddy. And the last thing they get to do for their daddy is let him die and dispose of the remains....

And I can't do a thing for them. Not one thing. My poor kids! I love them so much. I've hurt their hearts in the past, too. But I am so grateful that we have managed to paste back together a relationship, however seamed, stitched and glued it is.

I divorced this man years ago. I can't even stand in for them in this situation because I have no legal reason to do so. I forgave him in the last two years, for being what he was in my life. That amazed me. I hated him so deeply for so long for destroying our hearts I didn't think I could ever find a good reason for him to be in my life.

But I have the man I thought he was in his son. And I have a mind as sharp as his in both my children, without the cruel and selfish spirit that drove me away from him. We formed two people who are leaving the planet a little better for having been here. They are good hearts, my two. That really does let me forgive him for the rest. They have graced my life with love.

My dad did not get his wishes honored. His second wife had the power to keep him here and let them do a lot of crap he would have hated. We girls, that knew he didn't want life support like they had to put him on, but couldn't change it. He had no health care directive, no will.

While I can't change how my dad died and I can't help my kids now - let me help your kids.

Please. Do not force your children to make a decision that can scar their hearts forever.

YOU DO IT.

You don't want to think about it all the time - none of us like to think about dying. But I am asking you to think about it today. Don't make them do it for you later.

Give your family the gift of knowing the decisions are made and plans in place for any event in your life. Take the time you have now, while you function properly, and get it done. Please. (repeat please a hundred times. I know the hurt you are saving your family - give them this gift.)

I did the research. I have the forms for Michigan and most of them will work for any place. I actually have one on file in my med records. I'm updating them and adding a live video today.

DECIDE - how far are you willing to heal to stay here? How handicapped are you willing to be if you are hurt? What treatments will you accept? What are you allergic to? What works for pain meds? What about coma? How long will you veg out to see if you come back?

Get it on paper. But, even better, make a life video stating your wishes. They won't have to decided to let you die or try to save you. YOU decided.

Someone who cares will have to stand by and watch your family, in tears and heartbreak, make the decisions that affect your life and theirs - They won't be able to help them. Even though they know how much it is hurting your family they can't do a thing legally.

NOT. one. thing.

But you can.

For the sad hearts of my children watching a literate, intelligent man become a dying husk, I'm asking you, please - fill out an advanced medical directive. File it with your doctor, in your medical records and at home. Let the family know what it says.

Please make out a will, even if all it says is you leave it all to your mate to do with what they please.

Please, let them know you want to try your hardest to stay and heal or you want to move on to the next level.

But what ever you decide to do - DO SOMETHING TODAY.

Mine slipped on the floor and fell and died.

Mopped your floors today? Taking a shower? Going out in the car? Did you make it down the steps alright?

Please people, this is important. I don't care if you scribble it on a piece of construction paper with a green crayon - get your decisions made and in writing.

The heart you save may be your child's.

*********

Rant over. Here are some links to help you out.

To designate someone to make decisions for you get this durable power of attorney for health care: http://www.michbar.org/elderlaw/pdfs/dpoa_hc.pdf

This is a wonderfully helpful site. Download Your State's Advance Directive: http://www.caringinfo.org/stateaddownload

Get a blank will form here: http://4herway.com/4her/blankwilltomodify.html

It's in web page form but you can copy and paste it to a doc file and change what you need to to make it work for you.

That's all I can do for your kids today.

Will you PLEASE do your part for their hearts?

I dreamed that love would never die

I needed to give this plea it's own post, so it's not your brain failing you (yet) I just want it where I can link to it without the family info....

We KNOW everything dies in it's time. I'm putting pig on the bbq tonight along with some potatoes that will never grow offspring. Every thing dies.

You will die. (you won't be dead, but that's another topic)

If we plan a new outfit for a wedding and know we need a new pair of black shoes for a funeral, how is it we don't seem to be able to KNOW we need a funeral?

We know we're going to need new tires on the truck. We save up for them. We know we are going to need someone to change the oil for us, too. We find a shop and make an appointment.

We don't know how we will leave this body behind. But we know it can be a rough trip out of here. Why can't we cover the details we know are going to come up the same way we plan ahead for a vacation? Stop the mail, turn off the water heater and turn down the furnace - that's easy. Why is writing a will and having an advance health care directive in place so hard?

My first husband has a cancerous tumor in his brain. We only found out about three weeks ago. His roommate got him to the hospital when he couldn't talk any sense. The tumor is taking his words and memories. "He" is not all the way gone, but going quickly. His "self" is only partly there. He didn't know his son or his brother and their hearts hurt from it.

Last week he started refusing to eat. The doctors think he will die in a week if he doesn't eat. Because he is not fully functional, the decision to force feed or let him continue to avoid food had to be made by my son, daughter and their uncle. They gathered opinions but, in the end, the final, official decision was their very sad and heavy responsibility. Why?

LISTEN UP, PEOPLE!! NO LIVING WILL. (aka advance care directive)

We think we know how the man would choose but we haven't had regular contact with him for years....And so my children have to wonder if they did the right thing for this father the rest of their lives; they had to let their father die.

He had no money, no insurance, no will, no preparation.

ARE YOU LISTENING?

My beloved son and my beloved Eldest Girl had to decide to let their father die.

Neither of them have had much contact with their father. He did some very bad things in their lives that left them with little love for him in their hearts. But even then, he's your dad. Even when he's a loser that hurts people, he was your daddy. And the last thing they get to do for their daddy is let him die and dispose of the remains....

And I can't do a thing for them. Not one thing. My poor kids!

I divorced this man years ago. I can't even stand in for them in this situation because I have no legal reason to do so.

My dad did not get his wishes honored. He gave me an order - to shoot him before I put him in a nursing home. He didn't want machines keeping him alive, ever. His second wife had the power to keep him here and let them do a lot of crap he would have hated. We girls, knew he didn't want life support, but couldn't change it.

He had no health care directive, no will. We had to make the decision to unplug our dad.

While I can't change how my dad died and I can't help my kids now - let me help your kids. Please. Do not force your children to make a decision that can scar their hearts forever.

YOU DO IT.

You don't want to think about it all the time - none of us like to think about dying. But I am asking you to think about it today. Don't make them do it for you later. Give your family the gift of knowing the decisions are made and plans in place for any event in your life. Take the time you have now, while you function properly, and get it done.

Please. (repeat please a hundred times. I know the hurt you are saving your family - give them this gift.)

I have a will and a health directive. I actually have one on file in my med records. I'm updating them and adding a live video today. My kids won't have to do this again. Not like that!

Today I did the research to find the forms again. For your kids, for your mate.

I used 4 hours of my time to try to help them. You can "pay" me the four hours (25.00 per for web research) by spending that much of YOUR time FILLING THEM OUT!

I have the forms posted below.

DECIDE - how far are you willing to heal to stay here? How handicapped are you willing to be if you are hurt? What treatments will you accept? What are you allergic to? What works for pain meds? What about coma? How long will you veg out to see if you come back? Get it on paper. But, even better, make a life video stating your wishes.

They won't have to decided to let you die or try to save you. YOU decided.

If you don't, someone who cares will have to stand by and watch your family, in tears and heartbreaking pain, make the decisions that affect your life and theirs - They won't be able to help them. Even though they know how much it is hurting your family they can't do a thing legally. NOT. one. thing.

But you can.

For the sad hearts of my children watching a literate, intelligent man become a dying husk, I'm asking you, please - fill out an advanced medical directive. File it with your doctor, in your medical records and at home. Let the family know what it says.

Please make out a will, even if all it says is you leave it all to your mate to do with what they want with it all.

Please, let them know you want to try your hardest to stay and heal or you want to move easily on to the next level.

But what ever you decide - DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT TODAY.

Mine beloved mate slipped on the floor, fell and died.

Mopped your floors today? Taking a shower? Going out in the car? Did you make it down the steps alright?

Live is fragil. Death is final.

Please people, this is important. I don't care if you scribble it on a piece of construction paper with a green crayon - get your decisions made and in writing.

The heart you save may be your child's.

*********
Rant over. I hurt today and, like most things in pain, I lash out.

Here are some links.

To designate someone to make decisions for you get this durable power of attorney for health care: http://www.michbar.org/elderlaw/pdfs/dpoa_hc.pdf

This is a wonderfully helpful site. Download Your State's Advance Medical Directive: http://www.caringinfo.org/stateaddownload

Get a blank will form here: http://4herway.com/4her/blankwilltomodify.html

It's in web page form but you can copy and paste it to a doc file and change what you need to to make it work for you.

That's all I can do for your kids today.

Will you PLEASE do your part for their hearts?

I Dreamed a Dream

I like to know things. Now I know that Les Misérables is a musical composed in 1980 by the French composer, Claude-Michel Schönberg with words by Alain Boublil.

Alain must have known a sore heart at one time, to write so touchingly. And the music to this score is challenging for any singer.

But did you HEAR what she sang? I had to look up the lyrics to the song Susan Boyle sang on that now historic day.

I Dreamed a Dream

There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time
when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream
in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed
the dream I dreamed.

I know now why I cry when I hear her sing it. I dreamed a dream, too. May she find yet another dream to come true for her. She touched my heart.

Meet me out tonight, on the open road

Gonna have to update the avatar! Getting another motorcycle. It's still a do-over, but my neice and nephew are making it very affordable for me so I can't turn down my old silverwing! Getting my hair in the wind very soon.

Went to a bday party over at C2son's and had a great time. He has a dog you have to see to believe. It's a harlequin great dane with one eye half blue...wild.

All the little neices and nephews were there, too. When I found out the NIL had a bigger bike now I asked if I could deal on the old one I sold him quite awhile ago. They consulted and made me a deal I can't refuse. Now I have to have a road trip to the almost U.P. to pick up the bike and all it's assorted parts.

Can't hardly wait but the rain is no good for loading and my tie downs are history, need a new set and an extra back for loading. Waiting to see who ends up riding shot gun with me for this event.

But it made me smile and almost dance to think I will be riding again!

Easy is all the way to upstairs and "just the renter" now. That's working out fine. He has a job and is gone days. He's been visiting family weekends. There is no stress between us. It's all good and the little extra money he gives me helps keep the bills all paid.

Have met a few guys on the net but so far no bells or whistles going off. I guess I keep putting it out there because I really do miss having my own partner in my life. I really hope something comes up soon.

But all is okay with the family and I'm going over to see the grandgirl tomorrow and drop off a couple movies I picked up for her. I can't believe I have a 4 yr. old grand that hasn't seen Mary Poppins! I got that fixed, just have to deliver it.

Had a great Easter Dinner over there at #1son and DIL's place. I cooked but they cleaned up. Was great time. Fixed the bird feeder the son and I put up for the grand. The squirrels discovered it but the poor thing couldn't take the weight and the hanger broke. We have it all back up now and they have had a lot of birds there. Little Z really enjoys them and that tickles me. I got my bird watching from my grandma. She will make four gens on the same bird book...

I have to get the garage cleaned out so I can get the bike and the lawn mower in! Later all!

I got the music in me

I'm just having some fun. I went to the Saturday jam last week and caught up with everyone then went to the Friday open mic and had a good time this weekend. It topped off figuring out I can direct record from a small board to my computer and have it sound very clean - like studio quality...Now if I was just a studio quality guitiar player!

It was so cool!!! Now I can work up my originals and save the tracks so when my friends stop over, who can REALLY play, I can add bass or lead tracks to my stuff with them. I can record their originals, too and give them demo CD's for getting gigs.

Way too much fun coming soon.

Easy is still here but will be moving upstairs. I don't heat it so he's been on the couch for a long time. He's staying on as a renter but I expect him to move closer to his work place soon.

I went for coffee with a guy I met on craigslist. We will be doing more come summer but I have to say THAT one isn't going beyond friends. He didn't care about the age gap but when it goes over ten years, I do. I'm not the mama. But he's a nice guy so we will probably log some riding time this summer on the motorcycles. He's not from around here and I will try to meet him up with some of the other riders in the area.

I didn't do Easter this year beyond adding to the grands celebration. I'm making dinner for the kids today. I have to go there to cook it, I just realized I don't have a roaster any more. It seemed silly for one human that hardly eats meat to own one so I gave it where it was more needed. I'll have to use plan B. The big cake pan with a foil lid should do it.

Crap, that was what I was gonna cook the scalloped potatoes in....Well - I can use the other cake pan for those I think. It's just gonna be thin layers.

Gotta report to Marvin this am so I'm outta here. Ya'll have a great day and if you have a mate, give them a hug and a kiss for me.

I'm in dire need of a real kiss and a real hug...I even dreamed the mate gave me one the night before last. I gotta find a partner.

Photographs and memories

are the specialty of my friend, Anvil Cloud. Apparently he had his head in the clouds for awhile and just noticed that my avatar is a photo HE took in Arizona! Wow, that is so cool!

I actually don't know where I found the photo. I may have seen it on his blog but I don't think so. I believe I found it on a google grapic search when I was looking for cover ideas for my booklet I wrote. I liked it so much I put it here for my ID.

I called it "2 spirits dancing" and always add in my head, "all the way to forever". It lifts my heart and now I know who to thank for it. And he says I can use it!

If you like beautiful photos then check out his blog on the side bar or here.

My crocus are almost done and the daffodiles are budding along with the lilacs, just in time to get frosted by the next snow. I'm just about up to HERE with this winter crap. But that's life in MI and I can't see a way to get to KY or TN anytime soon unless the right people show up to buy the house. I should be able to clear enough to relocate if I do that.

But the family is here so I don't know. I'm not liking the MI taxes and I have serious doubts about a state that has re-institute debtors prison and charges people with no income to be in jail. I'll have to wait and see what happens next.

Currently happening next is that I think I'm going to the jam session today in Thinks it's a Big City. I haven't been all winter but once and I'm due for some music.

So, Later ya'll!