I dreamed that love would never die

I needed to give this plea it's own post, so it's not your brain failing you (yet) I just want it where I can link to it without the family info....

We KNOW everything dies in it's time. I'm putting pig on the bbq tonight along with some potatoes that will never grow offspring. Every thing dies.

You will die. (you won't be dead, but that's another topic)

If we plan a new outfit for a wedding and know we need a new pair of black shoes for a funeral, how is it we don't seem to be able to KNOW we need a funeral?

We know we're going to need new tires on the truck. We save up for them. We know we are going to need someone to change the oil for us, too. We find a shop and make an appointment.

We don't know how we will leave this body behind. But we know it can be a rough trip out of here. Why can't we cover the details we know are going to come up the same way we plan ahead for a vacation? Stop the mail, turn off the water heater and turn down the furnace - that's easy. Why is writing a will and having an advance health care directive in place so hard?

My first husband has a cancerous tumor in his brain. We only found out about three weeks ago. His roommate got him to the hospital when he couldn't talk any sense. The tumor is taking his words and memories. "He" is not all the way gone, but going quickly. His "self" is only partly there. He didn't know his son or his brother and their hearts hurt from it.

Last week he started refusing to eat. The doctors think he will die in a week if he doesn't eat. Because he is not fully functional, the decision to force feed or let him continue to avoid food had to be made by my son, daughter and their uncle. They gathered opinions but, in the end, the final, official decision was their very sad and heavy responsibility. Why?

LISTEN UP, PEOPLE!! NO LIVING WILL. (aka advance care directive)

We think we know how the man would choose but we haven't had regular contact with him for years....And so my children have to wonder if they did the right thing for this father the rest of their lives; they had to let their father die.

He had no money, no insurance, no will, no preparation.

ARE YOU LISTENING?

My beloved son and my beloved Eldest Girl had to decide to let their father die.

Neither of them have had much contact with their father. He did some very bad things in their lives that left them with little love for him in their hearts. But even then, he's your dad. Even when he's a loser that hurts people, he was your daddy. And the last thing they get to do for their daddy is let him die and dispose of the remains....

And I can't do a thing for them. Not one thing. My poor kids!

I divorced this man years ago. I can't even stand in for them in this situation because I have no legal reason to do so.

My dad did not get his wishes honored. He gave me an order - to shoot him before I put him in a nursing home. He didn't want machines keeping him alive, ever. His second wife had the power to keep him here and let them do a lot of crap he would have hated. We girls, knew he didn't want life support, but couldn't change it.

He had no health care directive, no will. We had to make the decision to unplug our dad.

While I can't change how my dad died and I can't help my kids now - let me help your kids. Please. Do not force your children to make a decision that can scar their hearts forever.

YOU DO IT.

You don't want to think about it all the time - none of us like to think about dying. But I am asking you to think about it today. Don't make them do it for you later. Give your family the gift of knowing the decisions are made and plans in place for any event in your life. Take the time you have now, while you function properly, and get it done.

Please. (repeat please a hundred times. I know the hurt you are saving your family - give them this gift.)

I have a will and a health directive. I actually have one on file in my med records. I'm updating them and adding a live video today. My kids won't have to do this again. Not like that!

Today I did the research to find the forms again. For your kids, for your mate.

I used 4 hours of my time to try to help them. You can "pay" me the four hours (25.00 per for web research) by spending that much of YOUR time FILLING THEM OUT!

I have the forms posted below.

DECIDE - how far are you willing to heal to stay here? How handicapped are you willing to be if you are hurt? What treatments will you accept? What are you allergic to? What works for pain meds? What about coma? How long will you veg out to see if you come back? Get it on paper. But, even better, make a life video stating your wishes.

They won't have to decided to let you die or try to save you. YOU decided.

If you don't, someone who cares will have to stand by and watch your family, in tears and heartbreaking pain, make the decisions that affect your life and theirs - They won't be able to help them. Even though they know how much it is hurting your family they can't do a thing legally. NOT. one. thing.

But you can.

For the sad hearts of my children watching a literate, intelligent man become a dying husk, I'm asking you, please - fill out an advanced medical directive. File it with your doctor, in your medical records and at home. Let the family know what it says.

Please make out a will, even if all it says is you leave it all to your mate to do with what they want with it all.

Please, let them know you want to try your hardest to stay and heal or you want to move easily on to the next level.

But what ever you decide - DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT TODAY.

Mine beloved mate slipped on the floor, fell and died.

Mopped your floors today? Taking a shower? Going out in the car? Did you make it down the steps alright?

Live is fragil. Death is final.

Please people, this is important. I don't care if you scribble it on a piece of construction paper with a green crayon - get your decisions made and in writing.

The heart you save may be your child's.

*********
Rant over. I hurt today and, like most things in pain, I lash out.

Here are some links.

To designate someone to make decisions for you get this durable power of attorney for health care: http://www.michbar.org/elderlaw/pdfs/dpoa_hc.pdf

This is a wonderfully helpful site. Download Your State's Advance Medical Directive: http://www.caringinfo.org/stateaddownload

Get a blank will form here: http://4herway.com/4her/blankwilltomodify.html

It's in web page form but you can copy and paste it to a doc file and change what you need to to make it work for you.

That's all I can do for your kids today.

Will you PLEASE do your part for their hearts?