Come along if you care

Tomorrow is not today and I try to stay away from it until it is where I am and what I am doing.

Today is really fine. I paid what bills I can and had enough to share left over. I am good with that. There were even blue skies, though I haven't seen the eagles today. I saw a fuzzy, long tailed rodent I can't spell today by the road.

I heard from the Mom, the kids, the friends, or at least, some of the friends. I am going to stop and see a sick one and an hurt one on the way home.

Squirrel. there. I knew I could. My grama helped me memorized the spelling when I was small.

Disjointed thoughts all reaching for a moment to come together. Delayed reaction times and confusion gathered by the sadness in me.

I am doing this. I can do this. I have the help I need to do this again.

Why is it that another in a pain we know so tears the heart in us? It is not our pain, it's theirs, but it touches you if you care for them and you know the way it hurts.

I care for my friends. I hurt for them.

Tomorrow is the memorial service. It's still today and I am okay however this may sound.

I just need to throw the thoughts out where they don't echo so loud as they do alone in my head.

Thank you for listening. I already feel better for sharing it - whatever it is I shared...

Come along if you dare

It just keeps getting stranger here. First I am early then I am late. Then I have somewhere to go but someone is waiting to talk at home. The dog runs away and comes back while I'm gone and gets let in while the good dog in the pen has stayed out.

Does that all sound disjointed and crazy? Good, I got my point across. It just busted loose over here again and I just can't get caught up with all that is calling at my heart that needs attending to. I feel like I fell in the rabbit hole and only met the catipillar. It wasn't what I expected to find.

I am dealing with death and life and love again. One of the few best friends of my mate has left a widow and family in grief. I have stood there and still don't know exactly the right thing to do. I do what feels right to me.

I see others that seem to capture the essence of right and I feel so clumbsy and rough. Still, it is the way he made me. I pray for strenght enough to do what is needed for my friends, so many of them hurt! I can't get to each of them but I want to so badly it hurts my heart not to just go be with them, even if only for a moment.

There is a need in myself, too. For one to share the grief with me in losing a friend I loved.

Love shared is always multipied, trouble shared is always divided. I feel my shoulders aching tonight with on one to split the load. I take it and leave it where I know it belongs but the body here dreams of a hand to reach out to, not just to offer comfort but to recieve some.

Selfish need in me, I know. But there it is, I'm human. There are a few I won't need to comfort - those spirits that were there to greet him are at peace with his change of address.

I walk with those left behind. I walk with my friend who knows I care, the woman who lost her man.

I walk with those I love in life and know I can count on them to hold me up through yet another change in life around here.

It is all just a little crazy right now. One to cheer, one to find a room for, one to cry for and one I wish were closer. All of them to love as they are brought into my circle.

I think I just need a hug.

For all the real life friends reading, Big Ron went down on Saturday. Call me if you need details.

Tell St. Peter at the golden gate

That you hate to make him wait, but you just gotta have another cigarette!

I hit a hard spot in December that I coasted by lightly here. I wanted to better understand it, if I could, before I shared. This is not a "scare post" but I think the information is important.

I wanted to quit smoking by Christmas as a gift to my family and my friends that don't smoke. It was not to be more socially acceptable, that doesn't even appeal to me. It was to be more able to spend time with those I love with less stress on myself. That makes a it for me. I hate having to miss something because I needed to have a smoke.

I tried the new medication that is supposed to help you stop smoking. Chantix, by Phizer. It works by blocking the nicotine receptors in your brain.

My body was told it was getting no "feel good feeling" when it had a cigarette. Unfortunately for me, it got no "feel good feeling" from anything else I did, either. A little overkill blocking, I think.

When your body doesn't know it feels good it gets upset. I was depressed seriously by day four. That is the first day you take a second dose, upping the level of medication in your body. I didn't realize the depression was anything but seasonal for winter. It didn't lift when the sun came out. This was really bad.

I was only here to have a heart problem the first of the year because I have a friend that can, in some mysterious way, always lift my spirit. That first weekend I called that friend for help with it. It was given. Our talk made me feel better.

I was busy with things going wrong during the week. I thought that was why I wasn't pulling out of the funk. It was almost Christmas, a funk is normal, then. That is what I told myself.

Saturday, the 15th, I was cleaning house and getting things in order. This is not me. I clean or I put things in order. I do them as rarely as possible because I like to have better things to do than clean or do books. I don't do both at once.

All of a sudden I realized I was doing both. I thought, "Now why am I doing all this?" but the answer startled me. "I am killing myself tonight" was what I heard in my head. It was just that factual; Not emotional, just the facts. I was actually surprised. Standing there at the sink was the first I knew it.

I knew it was also true. I wouldn't see dawn if I didn't get some help. I called my friend again. I claimed another hard day. You don't really want to say the truth when what you feel is so bad you are ashamed of feeling it.

That friend gave me no lecture, no faulting me for needing the same help again. They didn't say "Call someone else, I'm tired of dealing with this." They gave me the best they had. They cared.

They said that when they feel their thoughts scattering and picking up bleak feelings that they focus on the good things they know, on a healing light from God above.

Because those words showed me what I needed to do to get through one more day I could tell them how bad it had been for me - until their kind and caring words had lifted my spirit. I confessed why I had called. They let me talk it out.

I made it through another night and researched it on the web the next day. I found it was not me - it was the medication - that was causing my problem. I had stopped taking it Friday night.

I looked into this the first of Nov., I started taking it the fourth of Dec. On the 16th of Dec. I found an article written on Nov. 20th, the first article on Chantix and suicides and depression.

When I looked into how it worked and what my body needed to "feel" again I found out almost every food I had bought over the last several days was full of things needed to produce dopamine and seritonin. I happily ate them. The stuff goes out through the bowel and I knew how to flush that, too, from the same friend. I did.

In three days I was more cheerful again and moving on down the road but I have seen that some were not so lucky. That is why I am finally posting this. You can't duck if you don't see what might be coming.

Chantix is working well for two friends of mine. It does not work for me. It can help you stop smoking but be aware that if you feel even a little dark that you need to see your doc right away. In my opinion stop taking it right away.

This stuff is sneaky. It only works on the body. If you are not watching for it then you can get surprised by the speed it works at to depress your system and next thing you know your smoking is cured because you're dead and didn't see it coming.

If you feel like this you have to find a way to lift your spirit, you can't cheer your body up. Reach for help! Please.

I am smoking still but I am here to do it. I guess if God wants me to quit He will find a way I can.
I am feeling good but I still tire easily this week. The heart is not causing any trouble. I seem to be on the mend. I am dodging a cold, but other than that, I think I am ok. I am unable to do some of the things I want but I can get by for now on "light duty".

My spirit was lifted again last night by a call from that caring friend. It beat with joy as I realized who was on the phone. I was so glad to hear from them and not have any bad news for them. It was such a nice treat that they called!

Then I got good news from another friend I'm working with and a visit from Cboy2 and family. My body is smiling and my heart is happy today. That is the best cure there is - the caring love of family and friends can keep your heart beating a happy tempo.

I am so blessed! Love the one you are with today - for me. If you can give or get a hug, do it and enjoy it! And call a friend you haven't had contact with in awhile. It's fun to hear them smile!

Let me be there in your morning

I have been trying to take it easy the last 11 days. I slipped a zinger in there with a clean the bathroom day and then an open house Saturday. Scooter Girl and I celebrated our birthdays together and had family and friends over all day long. It seemed like a good idea at the time. If I didn't have friends that care I could not have pulled it off.

I had a pipe cleaning party last week one day to fix the plugged system again. Three men and my Sis spent several hours getting that in shape for company again. I have not been able to thank them beyond the words yet. It is a nasty job but it's done until spring, I hope. May they be blessed for their kindness.

Jeanette came over early Saturday to help. We planned it the night before when I took my new friend, the electrician, over to diagnose a problem for her. Silly her; Agreeing to chores, not just showing up for the cake and ice cream. I started her off at her strong point, baking cakes. I went on putting Christmas away, finding more chairs, dumping trash and getting the dirt sucker out.

Then the Sis thought I said eleven! Here she was, bearing bird seed as a gift. Now it might not mean anything to you that I had just told Jeanette I had the money but had no way to carry a big bag home. I said I was trying to think who I could ask to haul it for me not ten minutes before Sis arrived. He hears you before you ask sometimes, it seems to me. Think what you will.

So I fussed around and started everything while they leaned into it and finished it. Mopping, vaccuuming, baking, decorating cakes; I thought it up and they made it happen. I finally got in the shower just as my uncle showed up.

The care continued as KMA, knowing I offered just snacks and cake for the day, showed up bearing three hot containers of hugh amounts of food. She must have worked for at least a full day on the prep and then hauled it all over for us.

We ate, drank and made merry until beyond dark and I think everyone had a good time. Not all that were invited made it but all that made it were glad to be there and I was glad to have the time with them.

Jeanette came back after her Sunday dinner with her family and helped clean up, too, bless her heart. Sis and KMA did so much there wasn't but a few things to wash and put away to make it a house again but J did great working with me on it.

She spent the night and we had a nice time over coffee in the morning. Both of us had been missing our talks and it was nice to get caught up with each other.

Even with all the help I found myself laggin' on Sunday. I was glad to read, study, pray and rest. I had leftovers to enjoy. The elf showed up and did the driveway again, as it snowed in the night. This time I had coffee to offer and my gratitude.

How I can say how much the friends and family lifted my spirit? Last weekend we were all playing slumber party in my hospital room and this weekend they turned out again to party with me and mine.

Their love amazes me. Thanks to all that came for fun and time together. But thanks especially to my friends that care - not with their lips but with their resources and their time and their hands. You can not be replaced. You are my friends. I thank Him that I have had you in my life.

Sometimes it seems so usless to remain

Let's start with revealing the elf that did my driveway. Turns out it was my mate's ex-wife's current husband. I would not have ever guessed it was them. It was not exactly a socially acceptable favor for him to do and she had said he could when he told her it looked bad here. We are friends but that is just a little strange, don't you think?

You tell me why the ambulances didn't get stuck in my drive when I called them. I have not shoveled more than a path all year, I just drive through it. There was about eight to ten inches in my drive the day it was plowed out. I can't explain it. You do it.

I had been dealing with angina, chest pains, since Wednesday night. I have had them before since the first heart attack but I hadn't had any since last summer one hot day. They were getting stronger. I had some decisions to make and I didn't like having to do it.

With no insurance it would take everything I had to stay, even if I lived. I might not. I might be looking at being destitute again. I have been there before. I don't like it. I might have no home of my own.

If I did die my children would have no inheritance, only bills and no mom. I didn't like that either. But if I went on I wouldn't care. I don't want to stick them with my problems though.

My mate was on the other side, I liked that thought a lot. My dad, my brother and more of my family I loved were there, too. I am not afraid to go back to God.

But there are those who feel they need me in their lives right now. I didn't know if I could do this. All I had? to live? Why not just let go and head for home?

I thought about it all of Thursday and then on Friday it got bad enough that I called in to work. I hurt.

I have been helping a new friend out. I have known him just over a week now. I like helping others. He has skills, I have a house full of repairable things I can't fix. He has money coming but not quickly enough to suit him. I had money now.

Turns out my new friend had what I needed Friday. I called to see how he was doing. He needed a ride. I decided I could do that. I wasn't hurting at the time. I hurt in the truck but it passed clean away all of a sudden so I drove into town. I thought I was doing him a kindness.

After we were at his place for coffee. The pain started again. Hard. I had to decide now.

If I stayed where I sat and said nothing eventually I would keel over and they would call 911. It was going to hurt me. I don't like pain. I really don't like physical pain. I could see it would only get worse.

But there was relief for the pain available, if I would ask. It just happens he is the only one I know carrying nitro pills right now. I thought I was helping him, maybe I needed him to help me? Hard to say, isn't it?

I asked my friend for a pill and he looked at me funny but gave it and said, "I didn't think you were acting like yourself." Then him to drive me to the hospital because I didn't think I could make it. Of course he did, he is a caring person.

He was only a one week friend but he took me and stayed until my family could get there. He would not leave me alone in pain. He was considerate and caring.

I could not have shown him better that there is a purpose, still, in his life. He had just saved mine, in a fashion. He's been in four times in the last few weeks with a stroke and a heart attack. It was knowing him that got me the pill I needed to make it to treatment. It was his poor health that lead to that. Things are not always what they seem.

Sis got there, we couldn't find the mom. That was ok. It looked more and more like a false alarm. I was angry and embarrassed. I knew I needed treatment. They wouldn't send me in for the operation I knew I was going to need, they just wanted to "observe" until I could show them a "real" in their knowledge, hurt.

I had taken the nitro, it worked. I had nothing to show them if I laid in bed and didn't move. I wasn't going to waste their time and the money I don't have. They were great people but they were locked into the rules.

I signed myself out of ER after four or five hours. I got my next pain when I put on my shoes to leave. They couldn't see it on the moniter, no one would listen to my heart then, I was leaving. Idjits! I couldn't see what else to do.

I got my own prescription for nitro and sis drove me home. I had KMA coming over to stay with me and sis was coming back. The new friend brought my truck back. The sis took him home. She no more than left than it all ripped lose again. Three nitro later I called 911. I knew the local ER's. They were fast.

KMA got there after they did and when she came in she looked worse than me. I couldn't catch her in time to warn her. I felt badly about the rush she got pulling up to ambulances and trucks all over the place. She got a few things and we left, me in the ambulance and her in the chase truck. Sis caught up with us at the same hospital again.

This time I got sent right on to the next hospital in the Big City. The meds eased the pains but even they could SEE I needed more help than they could give.

I was "monitered" through the night. Then Saturday - when no surgury is done - the doctor who had done me last time "happened" to be in and available. He did a heart cath on me.

I was told I was 99.9% blocked in what they call "the widow maker" or the death artery. They can't believe I had symtoms for only three days. I should not have been able to do anything without pain for weeks, in their professional opinion.

You tell me why that is. I can think it was a sudden blockage of something that broke loose. They can say it was a build up. But I should have hurt or been slowed down for a long time according to the doctor's beliefs. I was not.

Tueday all that saw me would have thought I was fine and dandy, I know, I asked. I thought maybe I didn't notice I couldn't breathe and my chest hurt - NOT! I was fine until the night of the second of January. That was the first pain I had.

Whatever the truth of how it happened I live now and they helped me stay here. I am good to keep loving until I really get my ticket out of here. It won't be because I didn't try to stay, it will be when it is my time and way to go. I'm good with that.

Again there will be changes I can't see yet because of this event. They are already calling for payment arrangements and appointments I don't want to go to. I am too tired to think about all that yet and am giving me one more day to avoid them. I need the peace right now.

I love helping people and I love cheering them up. I love thinking I have helped someone who stands in a hard place get back to the top of things. I love seeing the twist when I am the one that needed them.

I love writing and sharing it. I love singing and playing my guitar. I love feeling happy. I love showing my friends and family that they are important to me and loved, too. I am going to be here for the next grand that is due the end of August, too.

I love being loved. I love loving all of you! Have a good day, not just the words I say, but the heart felt wish I hold for all of you.

We have a day, it's good. Share the love you have with those you walk it with. Please, let them love you, too. It's the only point I can see to life is loving and being loved. May God bless you all.

Will the circle be unbroken?

Yes, for awhile longer I won't be joining the circle in the sky or gathering at the river.

I went to the ER on Friday with a heart problem. I had a heart attack three and a half years ago, I recognized the symtoms on Wednesday evening. Angina, breathing trouble.

Why didn't I go in on Wednesday? No insurance. Why didn't I go in on Thursday? No insurance. Why did I go in on Friday? To show the ones I love that I believe it is worth all I have to stay with them if I can.

I have lots of loved ones. New friends, old friends, family, close friends, far friends and my kids. Some of them just aren't ready yet for me to walk off on them and join the mate. I gave that some thought, too. I'd be lying if I said I didn't. I love him.

I will catch up later. As long as God keeps me here I will stay. It's likely to get to be even more interesting a story as we go. Money is going to be funny here for a long time. But I have what I need now and I believe I will continue to do so.

Just a heads up to you all. I will be back later for the twists and turns. I am whipped and will be going back to work on Wednesday, I need to rest.

But I am alive and well and kicking.

Thanks to all of you who prayed for me, sometimes it seemed as if I could feel the loving thoughts holding me. I can't thank you enough.

Love to you all! See you later.

Make em laugh

The year started without me here but I have been where I am needed. The holiday was busy helping people get on their feet again.

Jeanette is getting her carpet today for the bedroom and I have a friend to finish wiring up the few odd things she has left to fix. I am so tickled for her! It's great to hear her happy again.

Someone elfed me yesterday. Like the Shoemaker's elves only came when no one was there and made shoes - elfed. I got home after a run to the bank and visiting a friend and their mom for coffee and encouraging conversation to find my driveway had been snowblowed out.

Someone brought a truck over, unloaded a snow blower and walked it off. I feel badly they didn't go in to find the coffee or the cocoa even to warm themselves. I examined and photographed the treads and shoes or boot tracks they left behind. I will know them if I see them. It's going to make me smile.

It also made me notice I have some thin tread on my tires. I guess the next God money is to put new ones on the truck. This might have been important. I spend a lot of time on the roads. A blow out would annoy me. Now I may avoid it. So that's two points for the elves! Thank you!

The visit where I cheered a friend had made me smile and the gift of the easy in and out drive way made me smile. Jeanette's good news made me smile. Today there was another article on happiness and health. You can read it here. That made me smile, too.

May all of you find one thing in your day to make you smile and may you share it with another person to make them smile, too.

If anyone is still reading I am asking for your favorite joke in the comments today. A laugh is just a multiplied smile and I will take all I can get.

Next time I am here I will post one of my favorite jokes and the one I like best of the ones in the comments.

Let's share a laugh! Play with me! Hugs to you all! Thanks for being here for me!