Sometimes it seems so usless to remain

Let's start with revealing the elf that did my driveway. Turns out it was my mate's ex-wife's current husband. I would not have ever guessed it was them. It was not exactly a socially acceptable favor for him to do and she had said he could when he told her it looked bad here. We are friends but that is just a little strange, don't you think?

You tell me why the ambulances didn't get stuck in my drive when I called them. I have not shoveled more than a path all year, I just drive through it. There was about eight to ten inches in my drive the day it was plowed out. I can't explain it. You do it.

I had been dealing with angina, chest pains, since Wednesday night. I have had them before since the first heart attack but I hadn't had any since last summer one hot day. They were getting stronger. I had some decisions to make and I didn't like having to do it.

With no insurance it would take everything I had to stay, even if I lived. I might not. I might be looking at being destitute again. I have been there before. I don't like it. I might have no home of my own.

If I did die my children would have no inheritance, only bills and no mom. I didn't like that either. But if I went on I wouldn't care. I don't want to stick them with my problems though.

My mate was on the other side, I liked that thought a lot. My dad, my brother and more of my family I loved were there, too. I am not afraid to go back to God.

But there are those who feel they need me in their lives right now. I didn't know if I could do this. All I had? to live? Why not just let go and head for home?

I thought about it all of Thursday and then on Friday it got bad enough that I called in to work. I hurt.

I have been helping a new friend out. I have known him just over a week now. I like helping others. He has skills, I have a house full of repairable things I can't fix. He has money coming but not quickly enough to suit him. I had money now.

Turns out my new friend had what I needed Friday. I called to see how he was doing. He needed a ride. I decided I could do that. I wasn't hurting at the time. I hurt in the truck but it passed clean away all of a sudden so I drove into town. I thought I was doing him a kindness.

After we were at his place for coffee. The pain started again. Hard. I had to decide now.

If I stayed where I sat and said nothing eventually I would keel over and they would call 911. It was going to hurt me. I don't like pain. I really don't like physical pain. I could see it would only get worse.

But there was relief for the pain available, if I would ask. It just happens he is the only one I know carrying nitro pills right now. I thought I was helping him, maybe I needed him to help me? Hard to say, isn't it?

I asked my friend for a pill and he looked at me funny but gave it and said, "I didn't think you were acting like yourself." Then him to drive me to the hospital because I didn't think I could make it. Of course he did, he is a caring person.

He was only a one week friend but he took me and stayed until my family could get there. He would not leave me alone in pain. He was considerate and caring.

I could not have shown him better that there is a purpose, still, in his life. He had just saved mine, in a fashion. He's been in four times in the last few weeks with a stroke and a heart attack. It was knowing him that got me the pill I needed to make it to treatment. It was his poor health that lead to that. Things are not always what they seem.

Sis got there, we couldn't find the mom. That was ok. It looked more and more like a false alarm. I was angry and embarrassed. I knew I needed treatment. They wouldn't send me in for the operation I knew I was going to need, they just wanted to "observe" until I could show them a "real" in their knowledge, hurt.

I had taken the nitro, it worked. I had nothing to show them if I laid in bed and didn't move. I wasn't going to waste their time and the money I don't have. They were great people but they were locked into the rules.

I signed myself out of ER after four or five hours. I got my next pain when I put on my shoes to leave. They couldn't see it on the moniter, no one would listen to my heart then, I was leaving. Idjits! I couldn't see what else to do.

I got my own prescription for nitro and sis drove me home. I had KMA coming over to stay with me and sis was coming back. The new friend brought my truck back. The sis took him home. She no more than left than it all ripped lose again. Three nitro later I called 911. I knew the local ER's. They were fast.

KMA got there after they did and when she came in she looked worse than me. I couldn't catch her in time to warn her. I felt badly about the rush she got pulling up to ambulances and trucks all over the place. She got a few things and we left, me in the ambulance and her in the chase truck. Sis caught up with us at the same hospital again.

This time I got sent right on to the next hospital in the Big City. The meds eased the pains but even they could SEE I needed more help than they could give.

I was "monitered" through the night. Then Saturday - when no surgury is done - the doctor who had done me last time "happened" to be in and available. He did a heart cath on me.

I was told I was 99.9% blocked in what they call "the widow maker" or the death artery. They can't believe I had symtoms for only three days. I should not have been able to do anything without pain for weeks, in their professional opinion.

You tell me why that is. I can think it was a sudden blockage of something that broke loose. They can say it was a build up. But I should have hurt or been slowed down for a long time according to the doctor's beliefs. I was not.

Tueday all that saw me would have thought I was fine and dandy, I know, I asked. I thought maybe I didn't notice I couldn't breathe and my chest hurt - NOT! I was fine until the night of the second of January. That was the first pain I had.

Whatever the truth of how it happened I live now and they helped me stay here. I am good to keep loving until I really get my ticket out of here. It won't be because I didn't try to stay, it will be when it is my time and way to go. I'm good with that.

Again there will be changes I can't see yet because of this event. They are already calling for payment arrangements and appointments I don't want to go to. I am too tired to think about all that yet and am giving me one more day to avoid them. I need the peace right now.

I love helping people and I love cheering them up. I love thinking I have helped someone who stands in a hard place get back to the top of things. I love seeing the twist when I am the one that needed them.

I love writing and sharing it. I love singing and playing my guitar. I love feeling happy. I love showing my friends and family that they are important to me and loved, too. I am going to be here for the next grand that is due the end of August, too.

I love being loved. I love loving all of you! Have a good day, not just the words I say, but the heart felt wish I hold for all of you.

We have a day, it's good. Share the love you have with those you walk it with. Please, let them love you, too. It's the only point I can see to life is loving and being loved. May God bless you all.