Tell St. Peter at the golden gate

That you hate to make him wait, but you just gotta have another cigarette!

I hit a hard spot in December that I coasted by lightly here. I wanted to better understand it, if I could, before I shared. This is not a "scare post" but I think the information is important.

I wanted to quit smoking by Christmas as a gift to my family and my friends that don't smoke. It was not to be more socially acceptable, that doesn't even appeal to me. It was to be more able to spend time with those I love with less stress on myself. That makes a it for me. I hate having to miss something because I needed to have a smoke.

I tried the new medication that is supposed to help you stop smoking. Chantix, by Phizer. It works by blocking the nicotine receptors in your brain.

My body was told it was getting no "feel good feeling" when it had a cigarette. Unfortunately for me, it got no "feel good feeling" from anything else I did, either. A little overkill blocking, I think.

When your body doesn't know it feels good it gets upset. I was depressed seriously by day four. That is the first day you take a second dose, upping the level of medication in your body. I didn't realize the depression was anything but seasonal for winter. It didn't lift when the sun came out. This was really bad.

I was only here to have a heart problem the first of the year because I have a friend that can, in some mysterious way, always lift my spirit. That first weekend I called that friend for help with it. It was given. Our talk made me feel better.

I was busy with things going wrong during the week. I thought that was why I wasn't pulling out of the funk. It was almost Christmas, a funk is normal, then. That is what I told myself.

Saturday, the 15th, I was cleaning house and getting things in order. This is not me. I clean or I put things in order. I do them as rarely as possible because I like to have better things to do than clean or do books. I don't do both at once.

All of a sudden I realized I was doing both. I thought, "Now why am I doing all this?" but the answer startled me. "I am killing myself tonight" was what I heard in my head. It was just that factual; Not emotional, just the facts. I was actually surprised. Standing there at the sink was the first I knew it.

I knew it was also true. I wouldn't see dawn if I didn't get some help. I called my friend again. I claimed another hard day. You don't really want to say the truth when what you feel is so bad you are ashamed of feeling it.

That friend gave me no lecture, no faulting me for needing the same help again. They didn't say "Call someone else, I'm tired of dealing with this." They gave me the best they had. They cared.

They said that when they feel their thoughts scattering and picking up bleak feelings that they focus on the good things they know, on a healing light from God above.

Because those words showed me what I needed to do to get through one more day I could tell them how bad it had been for me - until their kind and caring words had lifted my spirit. I confessed why I had called. They let me talk it out.

I made it through another night and researched it on the web the next day. I found it was not me - it was the medication - that was causing my problem. I had stopped taking it Friday night.

I looked into this the first of Nov., I started taking it the fourth of Dec. On the 16th of Dec. I found an article written on Nov. 20th, the first article on Chantix and suicides and depression.

When I looked into how it worked and what my body needed to "feel" again I found out almost every food I had bought over the last several days was full of things needed to produce dopamine and seritonin. I happily ate them. The stuff goes out through the bowel and I knew how to flush that, too, from the same friend. I did.

In three days I was more cheerful again and moving on down the road but I have seen that some were not so lucky. That is why I am finally posting this. You can't duck if you don't see what might be coming.

Chantix is working well for two friends of mine. It does not work for me. It can help you stop smoking but be aware that if you feel even a little dark that you need to see your doc right away. In my opinion stop taking it right away.

This stuff is sneaky. It only works on the body. If you are not watching for it then you can get surprised by the speed it works at to depress your system and next thing you know your smoking is cured because you're dead and didn't see it coming.

If you feel like this you have to find a way to lift your spirit, you can't cheer your body up. Reach for help! Please.

I am smoking still but I am here to do it. I guess if God wants me to quit He will find a way I can.
I am feeling good but I still tire easily this week. The heart is not causing any trouble. I seem to be on the mend. I am dodging a cold, but other than that, I think I am ok. I am unable to do some of the things I want but I can get by for now on "light duty".

My spirit was lifted again last night by a call from that caring friend. It beat with joy as I realized who was on the phone. I was so glad to hear from them and not have any bad news for them. It was such a nice treat that they called!

Then I got good news from another friend I'm working with and a visit from Cboy2 and family. My body is smiling and my heart is happy today. That is the best cure there is - the caring love of family and friends can keep your heart beating a happy tempo.

I am so blessed! Love the one you are with today - for me. If you can give or get a hug, do it and enjoy it! And call a friend you haven't had contact with in awhile. It's fun to hear them smile!