Time is on my side

I got ahead of the program a couple weeks ago. I sold something and basically got told "The check is in the mail". There was a date that it was supposed to arrive. I trusted them to meet it and then I got a surprise.

People are just people. I am not first priority to anyone but me. Counting eggs instead of chickens gives you a different number sometimes.

But I saw this money as a gift to cover things I had done for friends and leave enough left over to do something I had wanted to for a long time. I got excited and made an appointment with my dentist.

Now when the mate passed his teeth were not all his but they were beautiful again. It wasn't cheap for us to get him a bridge and the the cleaning and mending they needed. I never stinted on him. When he said he wanted something I would do whatever I could to get it for him or help him get it for himself.

I have to tell you it was a budget item and we paid for it over a year or more. When he came home flashing his smile I never even thought to grudge it. He was so happy and comfortable with himself it showed.

I fell off a wall when I was seven and I broke my front tooth. It broke on the diagonal and left a sharp edge and an almost point. The folks took me to a dentist but all they had then was plastic caps that cut into your gum and you could feel them a "something in my mouth". I chewed it off in my sleep. After two of them they couldn't afford anymore and I lived with the tooth the way it was.

Kids are not always aware of the power of their words. After the first dozen "snaggle tooth" descriptions and "vampire" comparisons I learned to keep my lips over my teeth. I stopped smiling with my mouth open and smiled with closed lips.

I never knew my mom was always bothered by not being able to fix it for me. When I was in my twenties she made me a gift of a dentist appointment. He did such a beautiful job and in just one visit with the new methods of repair he gave me my smile back.

I ran it right over to Mom and told her I couldn't believe what a difference it made not to have to think about not showing my teeth. It shut off something in me I didn't even know was always on - that "don't show your teeth" protection I had used all those years was not natural to me. It changed the way I talked and sang and it changed the way I smiled. What had been hard all those years and I hadn't even known it was not using my smile the way I was built to. It was so good to let it go.

So when my mate smiled at me that day I did know just how he felt. His teeth were broken when he was a kid and had been fixed the first time only in the army. When he lost his bridge he had kids of his own and wouldn't spend the money they needed on himself. He loved them that much. It was a true joy to me to help give that gift to him. The now easy laughter and smiles he shared brought joy to all his family and friends.

I had been feeling bad about my teeth for awhile, too. I got the repair updated in the 80's sometime but that dentist did a lousy job and I was back to only smiling with my lips closed. But I loved that mate of mine and he kissed me just as well with or without my teeth complete. He loved me, too. When we got his teeth paid off it was going to be my turn.

I was so focused on getting the house solid when I got that first windfall I never thought about spending any on me. I got a shirt and I have to say I didn't get anything else that didn't have to do with the house and the transportation. I knew I didn't have backup anymore and I had to do it myself, so I did it.

But now I am seeing that to love ourselves we have to take good care of us too. So when this bonus money came I was going to give me the gift of teeth. I made the appointment for the day the check would arrive.

Then the dentist had a cancellation. I could go in two days early. But he wanted money up front. We reached an arrangement for part then and part on check day. I am not happy with what has been done and that will probably be another story. I go back in tomorrow.

Of course, for this to be a good story later, the check didn't arrive. I had money in the bank for bills and had to use that to pay him. I should have spent that on bills already but I hadn't been able to use it. I had let myself run out of checks for the first time ever the week before....they were not in when they were supposed to be either. The bank didn't order them until two days after I did...funny how things work out - ain't it?

So I had the money to cover what I had done but now I wouldn't have it for the bills until the check came. And I couldn't write it until the checks came...what a mess I got myself in.

That is where I was standing when the grand got sick. I had all I needed for gas and such for doing what I needed to for them but it was getting thin in the wallet. Then the truck broke down.

I have to say I was pretty frustrated that night as I stood by the dead truck in the dark. I just wanted to go home. When the son pulled in I was glad to see him but I hated to ask him to drive one more mile. He had come hundreds already while worried about his daughter that day.

There was a reason I couldn't feel comfortable staying. It was my problem, not his, but he drove me to a friend's and I got home that night taking up two people's time and energy for me.

I found out I had towing on the insurance. I'm smarter than I think sometimes. I got the tow company to bill direct and that was covered for me.

The garage I sent it to is one I could call and say I only have this much to fix it and they would work with me and not over charge me just to get more money from me.

When the check did come the bank put a hold on it. Five days. Mom was getting me to work and home. I was out of time to get the bills paid almost. She suggested getting a loan. I applied for one and my credit union called me back to say they would free up half the check for me to use and if for some reason the check didn't clear they would extend the limit on my credit card and apply it there for me.

I got the checks in the mail that afternoon, too. I had what I needed. Only one bill was late and there was a holiday in the mail week. I felt pretty blessed.

There was another with the truck. It turned out to be an easy fix, which was no surprise to me. I had half expected it was going to be. I was feeling "lessoned" by the whole week.

So I had the truck back and paid for, I got the bills covered, too. Today I find out if the check cleared. I almost think it won't. I just got another offer for the thing I sold. If it bounces I don't have to panic and if it clears I just keep my word an it's all good.

There is even more to the story but I have thinned it down. I share the list of lessons I got this week, even the old ones I should have known.

You have to love yourself to know how you love others matters.

I loved giving the mate the gift I knew would be so good for him by getting his teeth fixed. Yes, he chose what he wanted - but I paid for them, too. I agreed with him that it was something to spend our money on. I would do it again. It's part of why my teeth got so bad. He didn't work that last year. There wasn't any extra or insurance for dental work then. I didn't care. He loved me the way I was and so did my friends.

I should have fixed them with the first windfall but I was concentrating on the house. The one that might have said, "Why don't you ..." and added things like get some new clothes and your teeth fixed wasn't there to remind me to be good to myself and I didn't see the need to spend money on me.

I gave it to friends and family and charity and fixed up the house with it. Then the kids would have something they could sell when I got done with it. I wasn't be loving to me, too. I have been learning different.

Don't spend it until it's yours and in your hand. That eggs and chickens thing again.

I wanted to fix my teeth so badly because I thought no one would ever kiss me again with the ones I had. I have been feeling the need for that in my life and I want it again someday. If I don't look like I love myself how can anyone else love me? But it was not needed for anyone but me and my feelings about myself. I should have waited to make the appoint ment until I had the money.

I had promised some help from the income to others and took care of those promises with the loan. If I hadn't had to pay the dentist yet, there would have been no problem. If I hadn't made promises for what I didn't have yet I would not have felt the pressure to have the money or even needed the loan.

Know what you have available.

I didn't know I had towing until mom reminded me to check. When I changed the car to the truck again I had added it because the truck had been sitting for awhile and I wanted the extra back up. But I forgot I had it.

The #1son and friend could have slept while I waited for a tow. I could have towed it home and fixed it myself if I had seen it in the daylight. The little flashlight and the big dark wouldn't let me see the problem.

Say thank you when you are given a gift.

The son accepted my gas money for the ride and I knew he would be stretching the budget for unexpected hospital bills. The friend wouldn't. All I could give KMA was the warm fuzzy feeling of knowing she helped a friend in a pinch. She fed me coffee and talked to cheer me up that night then drove me home but wouldn't take money for gas. She has a hugh truck that guzzles. I accepted her help but made sure she knew I so appreciated it.

Promise only what is yours to give.

I promised on another persons word for help to another. I got to keep it with the loan and another pay day. I almost didn't make it in time. I got ahead of the plan.

When you are wrong say so and apologize. Even if it hurts.

I apologized to me for being such an idiot at my age. I know why I wanted those teeth and it had nothing to do with anyone but me. If someone really cared about me enough to be a "kissing friend" they would not let my teeth stop them. They probably never saw them. I always keep my lips over them but I saw them as a problem.

You don't have to understand why things are important to someone. It may not seem important to you. You just have care enough to help them and accept it's important to them.

I know why I went home that night. The others didn't need to, they would have gotten me there for any reason because they are my friends.

When you have a problem and need help - ask.

No shame to me the truck broke down. I was the only one who knew where I was and what I was dealing with. Unless I called someone and asked for help they couldn't know I needed it.

Poor kid who had to drive again - he will be collecting only brownie points from me - but he got his gift for it. He got to be his mother's hero again, not her son in need. I know he likes that feeling. I like it, too. I know he is a good and caring hearted man and I love him for that.

I could have started walking home but I have those that love me and they would have been hurt I hadn't asked. Did I think they wouldn't come? Did I think they didn't care? I could have satisfied my pride in doing for myself by walking. I would have not had the extra time with them and they wouldn't have that happy we feel when we help sombody else. It was just my turn on the thank you side of life and I accepted it as such.

You are not the center of any universe but yours.

As for the reason I didn't just stay, no shame but it is correctable and I think I may be able to deal with it now. I never could before. I will tell you if I get it this time. I don't want to discuss it now.

The lesson is if you don't like something about yourself - fix it or accept it. It's just a body, we don't keep them forever and they are not "our self".

"It's not the you I see I love, it's the you I know".

That is how it came to me. It meant a lot at the time. Even I am not the me I see, that is just how I walk around here. I do like the heart of me and what I don't like, as I learn more of it, is changing - slowly - but almost of itself.

"Do one thing until it is done and then go on to the next."

That is from the mate. I don't always put my attention on what I am doing. I tend to multi-task and split it between two or three things at once. That isn't always bad but it doesn't work with people.

I have started putting my book down or letting the computer go to screen saver. I know why I feel it's important. My time with you is all I have to spend here. I will give you full measure.

It's not that the more time I spend with you the more important you are to me. It is that when I spend my time with you there is nothing more important than you to me.

I may not see everyone every day. We do have lives and responsibilities to attend to. You may not call me every day or even month - that is ok! I know you love me still and you know you have my love even between visits.

But now when I am with someone or on the phone with them I don't read or watch tv or write or what ever it was I was doing. I put it away. If I really feel I will lose the words I ask to call back or if they can wait a minute. I just don't think anything is more important than being all the way with my friends and family anymore.

"Don't sweat the small stuff and it's almost all small stuff."

I got so upset about these things as they all seemed to happen at once that I started to feel in over my head and really missed a partner to lend me a hand. It all worked out. I just had to remember....

Everything in it's time.

There are more in here too but this is getting long again. I just wanted you to know I am still here and care about you all. Thanks for reading. You are my friends, too. I will try to get back to at least once a week spending time with you.

I just seem to have more to do than write lately. I am spending time with my other family and friends. I love it that this is waiting here for you when you drop in again. See you later!

Ain't got time to fix the hinges

The granddaughter is fine. It took the parents a little longer to get over the bad rush but they are doing dandy, too. I was proud of them both and the kid was a little trooper.

The truck survived with a tow and a little corrosion removal. I could have done it myself probably but I didn't have a way back.

I have a possible job offer to explore and I am waiting to see what happens with that.

I have been busy with getting everything fixed and back where it belongs. I got to jam session on Saturday and that was really fun. I went to a new one on Sunday and got to know two new friends.

Thanksgiving was a full day for me and I offer you these thoughts, below, asking you to pardon me for leaving you hang so long. I just can't seem to get here as often as I like. I am still reading you all but I have had trouble with comments. I know it's the dial up and time outs. I will try to comment when I hit the hot spots.

There has been so much joy in my days from the fun with family and friends - one that was gone returned and that was really a good time. I was so glad to hear from them.

I will get back to you as soon as I can, thanks for dropping in.






A holiday can be a cheering time with friends and family or a dark day of empty pointlessness to those who may be alone or grieving. My heart goes out to those alone or in need.

I remember times in life when I could not see the blessings I had. I have had so many blessings this year that I will not be able to count them all. You are part of the reason I can't count that high.

I will say each name of those I love and be thankful for the time I have had with each of you.

Thank you for blessing me with your love this year. You have mine, too.

May your holiday season bring you only joy and God continue to bless you.

troubles by the score

My granddaughter is still at theHospital today but may go home this afternoon.


She had what they call a febril seziure with a temp 105. It means her temp got so high her body shut her down. She had convulsions and then dropped into a heavy sleep. She scared ten years off her mother.


Temp is now under control but has gone down and up for a couple days, yesterday being the worst. They can find no cause for the fever so have kept her. Tests continue.


Poor little tyke. She was putting up with all the pokes and prods so well! She is probably going to be fine but we have to wait and see what comes next.


My son got the news about his daughter out on the road in Indiana. He made it home safely. It was a hard drive for him. There is a governer on the truck. I met him as he came in and followed him to the hospital. While I watched I saw her heart rate slow and calm as he read her a story. That was neat. Love in action.


I left #1son and DIL there and went to let their dog out for them. I think the ignition went out on my truck as I was going to leave - it would not start. I was thinking I was stuck there. I though life is too interesting again...


I prayed more. #1son decided to come home, found me blocking his driveway. He took me to town and KMA drove me home from there so he could get some sleep. Long day for all of us. More to come. No wheels for now...Just got home. Wanted to update you.


I am sorry the posts have slowed here but I have been writing on other projects. I am busy at work and there may be a new job in the future. I am still reading but leaving comments has been glitchy for some reason. I'm working on it.


Thanks for being here for me. Hugs to you all.

and you need a helping hand

Heart's ease they call the violet,
for it's leaves, and for the elusive scent
that lifts the cares from a heart that is too tired
and worn from life to see joy on its own.

Peonies have eyes,
so do potatoes
which could be said to be shaped
as a toe when small.

Roses have hips,
tulips in bud have lips.
You can sit at the foot of a tree
or rest on a branch, called an arm.

Hills have shoulders and knees,
Mountains have clefts and elbows.
Twin peaks are often called the Breasts.
Corn grows ears, there may even be
a nose somewhere.

We all know of the phallic plants
and the orchid's womanness.
There are parts of us
all through nature but,
rack my brain as I might,
I have yet to find anything
that has hands,
except us.

Alone again, naturallly

I got home on Friday early, grabbed my computer and camera and hit the road. I was meeting a friend one town over for dinner and it was a hot spot so I was going early.

The recent crash reminded me I pay good money for online hosting. I backed up all my docs and pics online. Yay me! Now I just have to remember to update it when I hit the net everytime. No more panic at crashes. I will add email and the address book, too, next time. That is the stuff I hate losing most.

It took awhile even on wifi and I got worried I would be uploading during dinner. No worries, though. My friend is my age and she spaced me out and never showed. I talked to her today and we will try again on Wednesday.

Saturday I got up in a mood the mate used to look and and mumble, "stupid hormones", then get me a coffee, give me a hug and leave me alone until I got over it. I was all miserable for no reason I could point to. I prayed and cried and finally decided I wasn't going to let it have me. I was going to jam session. I grabbed the guitar and left.

The day went up from there. Everyone was glad to see me, that was a treat to my heart. We had a singer I didn't know and she was good! There were two banjo players there and that always gets toes tapping. I was having fun inspite of the cloud that still drifted over me. I did one song and it went well, that always helps, too. Sometimes I just need to sing more than I need to think.

I had a date with the horse guy that I went out with once last year. He and I are friends I think because we both are learning to know God. We talked about a lot of things. It was good to have a man's imput on the word I have been working on learning.

We were just doing dinner down the road a piece and he told me his sis, that I had met at a barbeque, was having family over for cards. I said I might go, I like to play cards. He showed me the game they play. It wasn't hard.

Dinner was good, more conversation, a stop at a store and then to feed the dog at his friend's house and by then I decided I needed the crowd. I think I am alone too much. We went to play cards. It was fun.

But his sis had a spread out that looked like a big party. Really good food, almost all home made, even the lemon merange pie. Wow. They call her the cookie lady. I think I saw at least eight different kinds.

They were all nice people just partying with family and I felt comfortable with them. They joked a lot and I got off one or two that made them laugh. It was good they kept me laughing because I was losing at the card game.

Sunday I had morning to contemplate the universe, read and pray. When Jeanette got up I got dressed to work and took her over to her place. She may be able to call for her final inspection this week. I had dressed to paint.

I got one coat on one small room and part of one on another in the two hours we were there. She was going back today to do some more. The place is looking really good. I don't expect her to be here much longer, maybe a week or two.

I know it will be another change. I know my dog isn't going to like it. She will lose the dog that has been with Jeanette and who became her companion after Buck. I know I will miss my friend but I can't wish to keep her here. She is so thrilled to have her home back after working on it for more than nine months. It's all been done by friends and family and, as she says, by God.

Today at work was slow so I took a moment to catch up here. I couldn't leave comments again but I am still reading you all.

Thanks for stopping by here. I love you all.

The gate to the way out that lead to my way home when the time came to go.

The ins and outs of the vacation were many, along with ups and downs. I so enjoyed the beauty around me and the privacy there. I can't thank the cousins enough for sharing it with me.

I might get one or two more up but for now I have to leave the hotspot and head for the house.

Rainy days always get me down

This is a real tobacco barn with real tobacco curing in it. I loved it in Kentucky as a smoker. I sat in a cell phone store and talked over coffee and cigarettes with the friend I made down there.

I saw a sign on a grocery store that was hand written and said, "Please, no smoking in the store." I felt like I had gone back in time. It lifted my heart to feel like a normal human, not a pariah, for my habit.

The clouds, even on a stormy day, were amazing. I loved this shot.

It's a long and winding road

I loved this "hollow tree down in the haller". The well is behind it. It's down near the turn around at the beginning of the drive way.

Working 9 to 5

This is the view out the back door of the cabin. This was where I ran to play. The creek bed, that was dry, is to the right.

I got the truck stuck in the little wash hauling brush with Cousin Rusty. I drove backwards all the way to the end you can see in the photo once.

The second time I missed the mark and Rusty had to pull me out with the van and my two tie downs. That's right, I forgot my tow strap.

This is the outdoor office. I was there more in my dreams than in every day. There was drizzly rain quite often while we were down there.

There will be peace in the valley for me

(written in KY. Photo is looking up ridge next to creek by cabin)

I know it's Saturday because I turned this machine on and looked. I had heard it was going to get chilly a day or two ago on the radio as I drove home from getting milk and such. I must have woken up about six thirty today with a cold nose. It's seven forty five now and I am warm.

I have a cup of "perked on the propane camp stove" coffee and the fire is going in the big stove for the first time. If I want to keep it going I will have to get some wood today. I have enough for daylight but by dark I will be down to dead, wet stuff.

You wouldn't be impressed that I am roughing it if you saw this place. It's really a converted tobacco barn but it's two stories and about thirty six by forty feet. There is a bathroom with a tub that drains by pvc pipe to the ditch (or Lewis Creek). Too bad we didn't use it much, the creek needs the water. There isn't any at all in it. They say this is the most dry it has been in a hundred years but I remember walking the creek bed last time I was here, too. That's where the geodes are found. I like rocks.

There is a toilet hooked up to a septic tank. To flush it you have to haul water in five gallon buckets from the well at the end of the driveway, think two blocks. I load them on the truck and only fill them half way, even with the lids on, because I can't lift five gallons anymore and no way can I lift ten. One trip does me for two days with four buckets unless I get wild flushing the toilet.
There is an old, freestanding double tub. You could hook hoses to the drains or stand buckets under them for washing up. It has the original cover on it though and works better as a stand for a basin. I have one for dishes and one for me. As the basin water gets used I flush with it; Recycled and less work.

I have filters and a large pan I could use to make the water drinkable by boiling and filtering. The well isn't bad, it is just unused and the pipe is rusty. You put a bucket that looks like three feet of stove pipe down the well and haul it up by a rope. It bangs into the pipe and the rust chunks fall into the water. There is a light sheen of oil on top from the shale it filters through. There is sand at the bottom of the pipe, too and that comes along with the water. It settles to clear and crisp water, once it sits awhile, so if you dip it off and boil it you are good to go. It is just easier to buy drinking water. You can refill your own jugs in town for a quarter.

We had fires outside every night because first thing Cousin Rusty does is rent a brush hog and "mow" the yard. Lots of brush to burn meant lots of fires. They also had a big old beech tree come down on the back of the property. That required a few attempts to whack up with the "city boy electric chain saw" just because it was there. We didn't even dent it, just took off some two and three inchers to use to roast our hobo sandwiches and our hot dogs.

I backed the truck up the path to it the first time to haul out the brush with no problem. Went to back up the second time and dropped a tire into a gully hole by the creek. With two tie downs and his van we popped it right out but it slowed down the wood hauling for a bit. No harm done, just a little amusement.

They left on Wednesday and took the fun tools with them. I have a boy's ax and the bucket for the well to take back with me. Now that it's chilly I will have to go buy wood to replace what I use. What wood he did have down here is way over due for burning, I call it punk wood, it is too dry but got rained on so it's damp. The stuff by the stove is so dry I just axed off some one inchers for kindling and it lit on one paper plate, almost. I don't have a shovel to pull the ashes out with, I'm going to have to improvise.

There are three wood stoves in here. I think Cousin Rusty likes them. The one that is hooked up is a pretty standard rectangle upright model. I had no trouble knocking down the ashes, laying paper twists with kindling and a dry chunk of wood and making it go. I had been concerned something might live in the chimney but it's drawing well. The damper works, too, but I forgot how hot those wire handles get, ouch!

There is a kitchen area with a four foot counter top, a tin cabinet that sits on the floor for more counter space and a wooden shelf I think Rusty built. There is a stove that hooks to propane and a fridge. They have to leave really ugly appliances here so no one steals them. The couch, two chairs, bunk beds, table and chairs down stairs were all still here and mattresses upstairs remained this time. They were surprised but pleased. So was I, I didn't have to buy a couch to sleep on.

I have my smokes, coffee and water in a tea kettle are warming on the stove, cold milk and juice in the fridge, waste removal, heat and power. I have one light, the refridgerator and laptop going. It's really all I use at home except that has a furnace.

I have a propane lamp and candles. I have a propane camp stove. I can charge my cell phone and the laptop, too, from the truck battery. Power is nice but I could have gotten by without it. The gas stove and lamp are extra, too. I cooked over the fire outside, as we all did, and prefer to use a renewable resource. It doesn't have to be a very big fire to make coffee and grill a sandwich for one. I don't have to go to town to get more wood when we have the right tools here. There is plenty of down wood for cutting and new growth coming on to keep it coming for years.

I have made candles sometimes, too. I haven't done it from actual beeswax but I have what I need at home to make a bunch. Maybe I will soon.

With wood, the tools to size it and candles that have tin reflectors I can go many days and never miss the power or the gas. You just get up when the light comes in the hollow and go to bed when it gets too dark to read. You use lots of blankets and keep the fire banked well. I have done it before. We heated with wood in the Swamp and the home where I grew up.

It's a strange combination of being in any "normal" house and camping. I like it. You don't waste water, wood, grease, food or anything else because you have to work to get more. You appreciate the water you drink and the heat to cook with or keep warm. You eat more raw food, less work, less power needed. You remember it all comes from the earth and there is only one earth, it should be cared for well.

I can't call out on the phone, I have NO coverage here. Nada. It's annoying but not really a problem. I think 911 works but if the point to going to the cabin was to get away it's better the phone doesn't work. It's too easy to call someone just to talk. .

I know the yearning for this kind of life. It draws us to see we can survive on our own. There really is no "off the grid" any more unless you totally commit to it and have the money for the land you need to make it happen. Propane and fuel for the truck make me dependent on the rest of the world. You go back to horse and buggy and there you are taking care of animals again. Even candles, unless I take up bee hunting or keeping, mean a trip to trade or buy.

Then you get the flip side. It's hard to wander with animals or a home. I can go mobile yet, too, if I want. I carried my home in my hand for years, a motor home would be a lot easier. Same chores, heat, power, water, cleaning, waste removal, but it goes almost anywhere. It's not off the grid but it's everything you own where ever you are.

I can see me doing this but it doesn't have to be here. This house is too big for me, still, to keep up and keep warm. If I had a yard like this one (more than a hundred acres of ridges and hollow with a creek) I could make it in a pretty small house. I would be able to keep it warm and clean easily. I would have to have a cow and goats so I didn't have to mow.

The trick is to have enough untended outside to give you the space you crave and fresh air and exercise you need without the labor of maintaining a fancy yard. Your energy is better spent in the garden. Winter gets long and cabin fever is no joke but with no other people to rasp against I could make it. Outside works in the winter, too and, if they did get snow down here, there are a couple impressive runs I would try to get a sled or toboggan down.

I can stay where I am for now and look at the possibilities for this winter. One thing I found out is that I am ok alone. I don't enjoy it as much as sharing my days with a partner but I am ok. It took me a long time, it seems like, to reach that knowing. I can do what I need to for getting by; work and stay on the grid or rough it and get off the grid or any combination in between. I can still do it. That was good to find out but sad to have to learn.

I like electricity. I like running water. I like being warm when it's cold and cool when it's hot. I like knowing I am not totally dependent on them working all the time. I remember where I am from. I used my mom's teaching to perk coffee, I use the water hauling I learned from the cabin we spent a summer in that had an outhouse and a hand pump. I use the wood processing I learned from wood heat at the house on the pond and the Swamp. I learned garden from grandparents and cows and horses from them and the Sis. I know what I need to know for getting by pretty much anywhere.

The real question is;What do I want to do? The real answer is; Not much, I have no desire for maintaining a place or going mobil or moving to a different place. It's all the same to me.
The truth is; not much alone and anything is fine with someone I love. That makes the true answer; I want to love and be loved again. Where do you go for that?

I am going home from here. I wasn't sure I would. I even looked for work but this area has nothing really paying enough to support myself to stay on the grid and even if I sold the house I wouldn't have enough to buy the land I would need to go off the grid.

I may as well go home and back to work and see what happens next from a place I have what I need and people who care about me. I love them and like being with them. There is nothing to move me from there, yet.

I will try to get more flexible though and keep the camping stuff clean and ready to go. I needed the time to think and be really alone where I am the only one looking at me. I could see what is me and what is "social behavior".

I am quiet, I think a lot, I am lazy except when it has to be done for a good reason, I am somber without someone or something to make me laugh. I limp and I have to watch how hard I work at a time. I was glad I have the tools in the truck. We used them.

I don't sleep well. I talk and have started grinding my teeth again. I don't relax easily with no one to split "guard duty" with. I don't know these people down here and I am alone on a dead end road. I don't fear them but the cousins say they steal everything. I know I don't hear a thing if I sleep so I am not really sleeping until I can't stay awake. I napped in the afternoon a couple of times because I was tired by then.

I love the outside. I love the woods and the hills. I love the wind on the ridges and the clouds over them. I can see the stars at night and I love that, too. There is too much light where I live to see them well. It's not a problem here. I love the rocks, the shale, the geodes, the flint. I love the strange birds, I forgot the book and binoculars, darn it! I noticed the blue jays down here don't speak with an accent.

I cry easily. Beauty can make me cry, the love of the cousins in sharing this house makes me cry. Sometimes I cry and don't even know why, not from sadness but from an overflowing of the tears in me. I smile at my thoughts but it's rare. Mostly my face at rest is thoughtful.

I want to relax every muscle in my body. Some of them ache from hauling and cutting. I can't seem to get the tension out of my shoulders and neck. I want to soak in a hot tub.

These things are all true at home, too, but I couldn't see them because I am always prepared for someone to come or call, my social face is always there and on. Now it's gone. I don't miss it. I needed to know me better as I am now. It's not the me I was with the mate and it's not the me from before the mate. It's the me, alone and on my own.

I am thoughtful, considerate and look ahead to the needs for the day. I miss having a friend to take care of that way. I put the coffee on for me and wish it was for a friend because then it would be fun to do again. It's just so I don't screw it up when I am half asleep in the morning now. It is a safety measure, not a loving kindness. I miss that. Being lovingly kind to another. Knowing what they like and seeing what they will need then having time to prepare it for them so they don't have to.

I see I am a partner still at heart. I can do it alone, I know it's a truth. The only desire I have that moves me to joy is the thought of loving again while I'm here. I don't care where I live. I don't care where I go. I don't care if it's by the ocean, the mountains or the plains. I can live anywhere when there is love in my days. That is a truth for me, I know it well. What I do isn't important if it keeps me fed and warm. To do something now is important so I don't just coast to a complete stop.

I am going to leave her here as a woman alone on her own road. Being good to yourself is part of the code. Love of the children, the family, the friends keeps me walking where alone I would have a hard time moving at all. I am amazed at how far I have made it alone. I didn't think I could do it anymore.

I don't know what happens next but I see the lack of wood will be moving me soon or the fire will go out before the sun warms the hollow. There is melting frost on the truck still. The wood was dryer than I thought and won't last much longer.