Time is on my side

I got ahead of the program a couple weeks ago. I sold something and basically got told "The check is in the mail". There was a date that it was supposed to arrive. I trusted them to meet it and then I got a surprise.

People are just people. I am not first priority to anyone but me. Counting eggs instead of chickens gives you a different number sometimes.

But I saw this money as a gift to cover things I had done for friends and leave enough left over to do something I had wanted to for a long time. I got excited and made an appointment with my dentist.

Now when the mate passed his teeth were not all his but they were beautiful again. It wasn't cheap for us to get him a bridge and the the cleaning and mending they needed. I never stinted on him. When he said he wanted something I would do whatever I could to get it for him or help him get it for himself.

I have to tell you it was a budget item and we paid for it over a year or more. When he came home flashing his smile I never even thought to grudge it. He was so happy and comfortable with himself it showed.

I fell off a wall when I was seven and I broke my front tooth. It broke on the diagonal and left a sharp edge and an almost point. The folks took me to a dentist but all they had then was plastic caps that cut into your gum and you could feel them a "something in my mouth". I chewed it off in my sleep. After two of them they couldn't afford anymore and I lived with the tooth the way it was.

Kids are not always aware of the power of their words. After the first dozen "snaggle tooth" descriptions and "vampire" comparisons I learned to keep my lips over my teeth. I stopped smiling with my mouth open and smiled with closed lips.

I never knew my mom was always bothered by not being able to fix it for me. When I was in my twenties she made me a gift of a dentist appointment. He did such a beautiful job and in just one visit with the new methods of repair he gave me my smile back.

I ran it right over to Mom and told her I couldn't believe what a difference it made not to have to think about not showing my teeth. It shut off something in me I didn't even know was always on - that "don't show your teeth" protection I had used all those years was not natural to me. It changed the way I talked and sang and it changed the way I smiled. What had been hard all those years and I hadn't even known it was not using my smile the way I was built to. It was so good to let it go.

So when my mate smiled at me that day I did know just how he felt. His teeth were broken when he was a kid and had been fixed the first time only in the army. When he lost his bridge he had kids of his own and wouldn't spend the money they needed on himself. He loved them that much. It was a true joy to me to help give that gift to him. The now easy laughter and smiles he shared brought joy to all his family and friends.

I had been feeling bad about my teeth for awhile, too. I got the repair updated in the 80's sometime but that dentist did a lousy job and I was back to only smiling with my lips closed. But I loved that mate of mine and he kissed me just as well with or without my teeth complete. He loved me, too. When we got his teeth paid off it was going to be my turn.

I was so focused on getting the house solid when I got that first windfall I never thought about spending any on me. I got a shirt and I have to say I didn't get anything else that didn't have to do with the house and the transportation. I knew I didn't have backup anymore and I had to do it myself, so I did it.

But now I am seeing that to love ourselves we have to take good care of us too. So when this bonus money came I was going to give me the gift of teeth. I made the appointment for the day the check would arrive.

Then the dentist had a cancellation. I could go in two days early. But he wanted money up front. We reached an arrangement for part then and part on check day. I am not happy with what has been done and that will probably be another story. I go back in tomorrow.

Of course, for this to be a good story later, the check didn't arrive. I had money in the bank for bills and had to use that to pay him. I should have spent that on bills already but I hadn't been able to use it. I had let myself run out of checks for the first time ever the week before....they were not in when they were supposed to be either. The bank didn't order them until two days after I did...funny how things work out - ain't it?

So I had the money to cover what I had done but now I wouldn't have it for the bills until the check came. And I couldn't write it until the checks came...what a mess I got myself in.

That is where I was standing when the grand got sick. I had all I needed for gas and such for doing what I needed to for them but it was getting thin in the wallet. Then the truck broke down.

I have to say I was pretty frustrated that night as I stood by the dead truck in the dark. I just wanted to go home. When the son pulled in I was glad to see him but I hated to ask him to drive one more mile. He had come hundreds already while worried about his daughter that day.

There was a reason I couldn't feel comfortable staying. It was my problem, not his, but he drove me to a friend's and I got home that night taking up two people's time and energy for me.

I found out I had towing on the insurance. I'm smarter than I think sometimes. I got the tow company to bill direct and that was covered for me.

The garage I sent it to is one I could call and say I only have this much to fix it and they would work with me and not over charge me just to get more money from me.

When the check did come the bank put a hold on it. Five days. Mom was getting me to work and home. I was out of time to get the bills paid almost. She suggested getting a loan. I applied for one and my credit union called me back to say they would free up half the check for me to use and if for some reason the check didn't clear they would extend the limit on my credit card and apply it there for me.

I got the checks in the mail that afternoon, too. I had what I needed. Only one bill was late and there was a holiday in the mail week. I felt pretty blessed.

There was another with the truck. It turned out to be an easy fix, which was no surprise to me. I had half expected it was going to be. I was feeling "lessoned" by the whole week.

So I had the truck back and paid for, I got the bills covered, too. Today I find out if the check cleared. I almost think it won't. I just got another offer for the thing I sold. If it bounces I don't have to panic and if it clears I just keep my word an it's all good.

There is even more to the story but I have thinned it down. I share the list of lessons I got this week, even the old ones I should have known.

You have to love yourself to know how you love others matters.

I loved giving the mate the gift I knew would be so good for him by getting his teeth fixed. Yes, he chose what he wanted - but I paid for them, too. I agreed with him that it was something to spend our money on. I would do it again. It's part of why my teeth got so bad. He didn't work that last year. There wasn't any extra or insurance for dental work then. I didn't care. He loved me the way I was and so did my friends.

I should have fixed them with the first windfall but I was concentrating on the house. The one that might have said, "Why don't you ..." and added things like get some new clothes and your teeth fixed wasn't there to remind me to be good to myself and I didn't see the need to spend money on me.

I gave it to friends and family and charity and fixed up the house with it. Then the kids would have something they could sell when I got done with it. I wasn't be loving to me, too. I have been learning different.

Don't spend it until it's yours and in your hand. That eggs and chickens thing again.

I wanted to fix my teeth so badly because I thought no one would ever kiss me again with the ones I had. I have been feeling the need for that in my life and I want it again someday. If I don't look like I love myself how can anyone else love me? But it was not needed for anyone but me and my feelings about myself. I should have waited to make the appoint ment until I had the money.

I had promised some help from the income to others and took care of those promises with the loan. If I hadn't had to pay the dentist yet, there would have been no problem. If I hadn't made promises for what I didn't have yet I would not have felt the pressure to have the money or even needed the loan.

Know what you have available.

I didn't know I had towing until mom reminded me to check. When I changed the car to the truck again I had added it because the truck had been sitting for awhile and I wanted the extra back up. But I forgot I had it.

The #1son and friend could have slept while I waited for a tow. I could have towed it home and fixed it myself if I had seen it in the daylight. The little flashlight and the big dark wouldn't let me see the problem.

Say thank you when you are given a gift.

The son accepted my gas money for the ride and I knew he would be stretching the budget for unexpected hospital bills. The friend wouldn't. All I could give KMA was the warm fuzzy feeling of knowing she helped a friend in a pinch. She fed me coffee and talked to cheer me up that night then drove me home but wouldn't take money for gas. She has a hugh truck that guzzles. I accepted her help but made sure she knew I so appreciated it.

Promise only what is yours to give.

I promised on another persons word for help to another. I got to keep it with the loan and another pay day. I almost didn't make it in time. I got ahead of the plan.

When you are wrong say so and apologize. Even if it hurts.

I apologized to me for being such an idiot at my age. I know why I wanted those teeth and it had nothing to do with anyone but me. If someone really cared about me enough to be a "kissing friend" they would not let my teeth stop them. They probably never saw them. I always keep my lips over them but I saw them as a problem.

You don't have to understand why things are important to someone. It may not seem important to you. You just have care enough to help them and accept it's important to them.

I know why I went home that night. The others didn't need to, they would have gotten me there for any reason because they are my friends.

When you have a problem and need help - ask.

No shame to me the truck broke down. I was the only one who knew where I was and what I was dealing with. Unless I called someone and asked for help they couldn't know I needed it.

Poor kid who had to drive again - he will be collecting only brownie points from me - but he got his gift for it. He got to be his mother's hero again, not her son in need. I know he likes that feeling. I like it, too. I know he is a good and caring hearted man and I love him for that.

I could have started walking home but I have those that love me and they would have been hurt I hadn't asked. Did I think they wouldn't come? Did I think they didn't care? I could have satisfied my pride in doing for myself by walking. I would have not had the extra time with them and they wouldn't have that happy we feel when we help sombody else. It was just my turn on the thank you side of life and I accepted it as such.

You are not the center of any universe but yours.

As for the reason I didn't just stay, no shame but it is correctable and I think I may be able to deal with it now. I never could before. I will tell you if I get it this time. I don't want to discuss it now.

The lesson is if you don't like something about yourself - fix it or accept it. It's just a body, we don't keep them forever and they are not "our self".

"It's not the you I see I love, it's the you I know".

That is how it came to me. It meant a lot at the time. Even I am not the me I see, that is just how I walk around here. I do like the heart of me and what I don't like, as I learn more of it, is changing - slowly - but almost of itself.

"Do one thing until it is done and then go on to the next."

That is from the mate. I don't always put my attention on what I am doing. I tend to multi-task and split it between two or three things at once. That isn't always bad but it doesn't work with people.

I have started putting my book down or letting the computer go to screen saver. I know why I feel it's important. My time with you is all I have to spend here. I will give you full measure.

It's not that the more time I spend with you the more important you are to me. It is that when I spend my time with you there is nothing more important than you to me.

I may not see everyone every day. We do have lives and responsibilities to attend to. You may not call me every day or even month - that is ok! I know you love me still and you know you have my love even between visits.

But now when I am with someone or on the phone with them I don't read or watch tv or write or what ever it was I was doing. I put it away. If I really feel I will lose the words I ask to call back or if they can wait a minute. I just don't think anything is more important than being all the way with my friends and family anymore.

"Don't sweat the small stuff and it's almost all small stuff."

I got so upset about these things as they all seemed to happen at once that I started to feel in over my head and really missed a partner to lend me a hand. It all worked out. I just had to remember....

Everything in it's time.

There are more in here too but this is getting long again. I just wanted you to know I am still here and care about you all. Thanks for reading. You are my friends, too. I will try to get back to at least once a week spending time with you.

I just seem to have more to do than write lately. I am spending time with my other family and friends. I love it that this is waiting here for you when you drop in again. See you later!