There will be peace in the valley for me

(written in KY. Photo is looking up ridge next to creek by cabin)

I know it's Saturday because I turned this machine on and looked. I had heard it was going to get chilly a day or two ago on the radio as I drove home from getting milk and such. I must have woken up about six thirty today with a cold nose. It's seven forty five now and I am warm.

I have a cup of "perked on the propane camp stove" coffee and the fire is going in the big stove for the first time. If I want to keep it going I will have to get some wood today. I have enough for daylight but by dark I will be down to dead, wet stuff.

You wouldn't be impressed that I am roughing it if you saw this place. It's really a converted tobacco barn but it's two stories and about thirty six by forty feet. There is a bathroom with a tub that drains by pvc pipe to the ditch (or Lewis Creek). Too bad we didn't use it much, the creek needs the water. There isn't any at all in it. They say this is the most dry it has been in a hundred years but I remember walking the creek bed last time I was here, too. That's where the geodes are found. I like rocks.

There is a toilet hooked up to a septic tank. To flush it you have to haul water in five gallon buckets from the well at the end of the driveway, think two blocks. I load them on the truck and only fill them half way, even with the lids on, because I can't lift five gallons anymore and no way can I lift ten. One trip does me for two days with four buckets unless I get wild flushing the toilet.
There is an old, freestanding double tub. You could hook hoses to the drains or stand buckets under them for washing up. It has the original cover on it though and works better as a stand for a basin. I have one for dishes and one for me. As the basin water gets used I flush with it; Recycled and less work.

I have filters and a large pan I could use to make the water drinkable by boiling and filtering. The well isn't bad, it is just unused and the pipe is rusty. You put a bucket that looks like three feet of stove pipe down the well and haul it up by a rope. It bangs into the pipe and the rust chunks fall into the water. There is a light sheen of oil on top from the shale it filters through. There is sand at the bottom of the pipe, too and that comes along with the water. It settles to clear and crisp water, once it sits awhile, so if you dip it off and boil it you are good to go. It is just easier to buy drinking water. You can refill your own jugs in town for a quarter.

We had fires outside every night because first thing Cousin Rusty does is rent a brush hog and "mow" the yard. Lots of brush to burn meant lots of fires. They also had a big old beech tree come down on the back of the property. That required a few attempts to whack up with the "city boy electric chain saw" just because it was there. We didn't even dent it, just took off some two and three inchers to use to roast our hobo sandwiches and our hot dogs.

I backed the truck up the path to it the first time to haul out the brush with no problem. Went to back up the second time and dropped a tire into a gully hole by the creek. With two tie downs and his van we popped it right out but it slowed down the wood hauling for a bit. No harm done, just a little amusement.

They left on Wednesday and took the fun tools with them. I have a boy's ax and the bucket for the well to take back with me. Now that it's chilly I will have to go buy wood to replace what I use. What wood he did have down here is way over due for burning, I call it punk wood, it is too dry but got rained on so it's damp. The stuff by the stove is so dry I just axed off some one inchers for kindling and it lit on one paper plate, almost. I don't have a shovel to pull the ashes out with, I'm going to have to improvise.

There are three wood stoves in here. I think Cousin Rusty likes them. The one that is hooked up is a pretty standard rectangle upright model. I had no trouble knocking down the ashes, laying paper twists with kindling and a dry chunk of wood and making it go. I had been concerned something might live in the chimney but it's drawing well. The damper works, too, but I forgot how hot those wire handles get, ouch!

There is a kitchen area with a four foot counter top, a tin cabinet that sits on the floor for more counter space and a wooden shelf I think Rusty built. There is a stove that hooks to propane and a fridge. They have to leave really ugly appliances here so no one steals them. The couch, two chairs, bunk beds, table and chairs down stairs were all still here and mattresses upstairs remained this time. They were surprised but pleased. So was I, I didn't have to buy a couch to sleep on.

I have my smokes, coffee and water in a tea kettle are warming on the stove, cold milk and juice in the fridge, waste removal, heat and power. I have one light, the refridgerator and laptop going. It's really all I use at home except that has a furnace.

I have a propane lamp and candles. I have a propane camp stove. I can charge my cell phone and the laptop, too, from the truck battery. Power is nice but I could have gotten by without it. The gas stove and lamp are extra, too. I cooked over the fire outside, as we all did, and prefer to use a renewable resource. It doesn't have to be a very big fire to make coffee and grill a sandwich for one. I don't have to go to town to get more wood when we have the right tools here. There is plenty of down wood for cutting and new growth coming on to keep it coming for years.

I have made candles sometimes, too. I haven't done it from actual beeswax but I have what I need at home to make a bunch. Maybe I will soon.

With wood, the tools to size it and candles that have tin reflectors I can go many days and never miss the power or the gas. You just get up when the light comes in the hollow and go to bed when it gets too dark to read. You use lots of blankets and keep the fire banked well. I have done it before. We heated with wood in the Swamp and the home where I grew up.

It's a strange combination of being in any "normal" house and camping. I like it. You don't waste water, wood, grease, food or anything else because you have to work to get more. You appreciate the water you drink and the heat to cook with or keep warm. You eat more raw food, less work, less power needed. You remember it all comes from the earth and there is only one earth, it should be cared for well.

I can't call out on the phone, I have NO coverage here. Nada. It's annoying but not really a problem. I think 911 works but if the point to going to the cabin was to get away it's better the phone doesn't work. It's too easy to call someone just to talk. .

I know the yearning for this kind of life. It draws us to see we can survive on our own. There really is no "off the grid" any more unless you totally commit to it and have the money for the land you need to make it happen. Propane and fuel for the truck make me dependent on the rest of the world. You go back to horse and buggy and there you are taking care of animals again. Even candles, unless I take up bee hunting or keeping, mean a trip to trade or buy.

Then you get the flip side. It's hard to wander with animals or a home. I can go mobile yet, too, if I want. I carried my home in my hand for years, a motor home would be a lot easier. Same chores, heat, power, water, cleaning, waste removal, but it goes almost anywhere. It's not off the grid but it's everything you own where ever you are.

I can see me doing this but it doesn't have to be here. This house is too big for me, still, to keep up and keep warm. If I had a yard like this one (more than a hundred acres of ridges and hollow with a creek) I could make it in a pretty small house. I would be able to keep it warm and clean easily. I would have to have a cow and goats so I didn't have to mow.

The trick is to have enough untended outside to give you the space you crave and fresh air and exercise you need without the labor of maintaining a fancy yard. Your energy is better spent in the garden. Winter gets long and cabin fever is no joke but with no other people to rasp against I could make it. Outside works in the winter, too and, if they did get snow down here, there are a couple impressive runs I would try to get a sled or toboggan down.

I can stay where I am for now and look at the possibilities for this winter. One thing I found out is that I am ok alone. I don't enjoy it as much as sharing my days with a partner but I am ok. It took me a long time, it seems like, to reach that knowing. I can do what I need to for getting by; work and stay on the grid or rough it and get off the grid or any combination in between. I can still do it. That was good to find out but sad to have to learn.

I like electricity. I like running water. I like being warm when it's cold and cool when it's hot. I like knowing I am not totally dependent on them working all the time. I remember where I am from. I used my mom's teaching to perk coffee, I use the water hauling I learned from the cabin we spent a summer in that had an outhouse and a hand pump. I use the wood processing I learned from wood heat at the house on the pond and the Swamp. I learned garden from grandparents and cows and horses from them and the Sis. I know what I need to know for getting by pretty much anywhere.

The real question is;What do I want to do? The real answer is; Not much, I have no desire for maintaining a place or going mobil or moving to a different place. It's all the same to me.
The truth is; not much alone and anything is fine with someone I love. That makes the true answer; I want to love and be loved again. Where do you go for that?

I am going home from here. I wasn't sure I would. I even looked for work but this area has nothing really paying enough to support myself to stay on the grid and even if I sold the house I wouldn't have enough to buy the land I would need to go off the grid.

I may as well go home and back to work and see what happens next from a place I have what I need and people who care about me. I love them and like being with them. There is nothing to move me from there, yet.

I will try to get more flexible though and keep the camping stuff clean and ready to go. I needed the time to think and be really alone where I am the only one looking at me. I could see what is me and what is "social behavior".

I am quiet, I think a lot, I am lazy except when it has to be done for a good reason, I am somber without someone or something to make me laugh. I limp and I have to watch how hard I work at a time. I was glad I have the tools in the truck. We used them.

I don't sleep well. I talk and have started grinding my teeth again. I don't relax easily with no one to split "guard duty" with. I don't know these people down here and I am alone on a dead end road. I don't fear them but the cousins say they steal everything. I know I don't hear a thing if I sleep so I am not really sleeping until I can't stay awake. I napped in the afternoon a couple of times because I was tired by then.

I love the outside. I love the woods and the hills. I love the wind on the ridges and the clouds over them. I can see the stars at night and I love that, too. There is too much light where I live to see them well. It's not a problem here. I love the rocks, the shale, the geodes, the flint. I love the strange birds, I forgot the book and binoculars, darn it! I noticed the blue jays down here don't speak with an accent.

I cry easily. Beauty can make me cry, the love of the cousins in sharing this house makes me cry. Sometimes I cry and don't even know why, not from sadness but from an overflowing of the tears in me. I smile at my thoughts but it's rare. Mostly my face at rest is thoughtful.

I want to relax every muscle in my body. Some of them ache from hauling and cutting. I can't seem to get the tension out of my shoulders and neck. I want to soak in a hot tub.

These things are all true at home, too, but I couldn't see them because I am always prepared for someone to come or call, my social face is always there and on. Now it's gone. I don't miss it. I needed to know me better as I am now. It's not the me I was with the mate and it's not the me from before the mate. It's the me, alone and on my own.

I am thoughtful, considerate and look ahead to the needs for the day. I miss having a friend to take care of that way. I put the coffee on for me and wish it was for a friend because then it would be fun to do again. It's just so I don't screw it up when I am half asleep in the morning now. It is a safety measure, not a loving kindness. I miss that. Being lovingly kind to another. Knowing what they like and seeing what they will need then having time to prepare it for them so they don't have to.

I see I am a partner still at heart. I can do it alone, I know it's a truth. The only desire I have that moves me to joy is the thought of loving again while I'm here. I don't care where I live. I don't care where I go. I don't care if it's by the ocean, the mountains or the plains. I can live anywhere when there is love in my days. That is a truth for me, I know it well. What I do isn't important if it keeps me fed and warm. To do something now is important so I don't just coast to a complete stop.

I am going to leave her here as a woman alone on her own road. Being good to yourself is part of the code. Love of the children, the family, the friends keeps me walking where alone I would have a hard time moving at all. I am amazed at how far I have made it alone. I didn't think I could do it anymore.

I don't know what happens next but I see the lack of wood will be moving me soon or the fire will go out before the sun warms the hollow. There is melting frost on the truck still. The wood was dryer than I thought and won't last much longer.