You'll never know just how much

I miss you....

Sorry I haven't been around much...I've been rebuilding my website for the booklet I wrote and it got out of hand...BUT, it's about done. If you haven't stopped by there yet, please do, and let me know what you think. Join me on the new forum there, too, if you are so moved.

The new site is at: http://4herway.com/4letterword/ Dead is Just a Four Letter Word "Profound message of unconditional love available to all. Hope for those who have lost a loved one; Comfort for those fearful of death. Anyone seeking to know what may happen after we die, even by suicide, should read this book."

Now you know where I have been spending my time. Between the blogs and the website I have stayed busy. I still managed to visit the DIL and go to a friend's party this weekend. I have put more miles on the bike, too. But it's a little chilly for riding today so I'm off to build a fire, if the wind will drop....and maybe burn some dogs and golden some marshmallows...

Oh, and I got some new pics at the rookery, too.... this one is toooooo far away but I did what I could....looks like these are the oldest ones there.

And these looked younger, just little peeps. I had a good time but I get a yen for real telephoto.

So, catch me around...back to summer!

Me Mither sang a song to me

in tones so soft and LLLOOoooooooowwww..

Well, sort of. Singing is just something we always did. And today, leaving after her Mday party, my mom was singing "Bye, Bye, Blackbird" with Sis and I taking lines as she left them. It made me smile. We won't ever be on Lawrence Welk, but we entertain ourselves. Long trips were made shorter with song.

It made my day to see we had made hers good enough that she left singing...

Sis and I decided to continue our newer tradition of going to church with mom on Mday. We got the foster bro set mom up to go to the right church. Last year I went to go to church with her for mother's day and she had switched on me about two weeks before. Well, hmmmm.....

Then we planned a dinner. Then we invited the foster bros and sisters, then our kids....well, you can see where this went. From a quiet party of three moms we got all the way to 14 if you include the mini kids. (and how could you leave them out?)

We went potluck and it was a lucky pot or two that showed up here. We had way too much food. We had live piano music. We had dancers. We had singers. We even had a comedian or three...

I love my family.

and my #1 DIL made my day with her families gift to me of peace roses and candy....I heart her. I only hope she had fun with us. I know her mate was out and may not have been able to gift her right. The little ones are too young yet and I didn't think of it in time, darn me.

The dishes are done, the tables wiped, the food stored away, the coffee finished and I am one whipped pup. So were the sis and Kma, the other sis. But we got 'er done!

The Mom, grama, great grama, is in her 70's and I was concentrating on showing her we loved her. That she left singing makes it all worth it.

*****

I wish my daughter a happy birthday from far away in miles but near in heart...I know she is cleaning up after a party, too. I hope it was as good as ours.

Happy Bday, Eldest Girl! I love you. Party on!

Photographs and Memories

Coming Home. My Favorite - it looks like it should be a painting.


Flying Guard


Violets - saw these on the way in. Did get a lot of fine detail with the camera.

I'll fly away

I went to #1son's with comfort food for them. It seemed so 'not enough'.

But the grand girl and I did this..her first ride. It was just around the yard, but we were smiling when we parked again.

Yes, no helmets. I didn't have one for her (yet) so I went bare, too.

But we had our leathers on!

and, while blogger is working right, a photo for Anvil -

Will you still love me tomorrow?

My first husband has passed on ahead of his children. My son let me know. He would have gotten yet another call while he was out on the road, telling him he had lost his father. I feel so badly for him having to always be away from home and family when this happened.

A spider tumor ended this man's life. It was very fast from diagnosis to his ending. It left my #1son with a responsibility he didn't really want and decisions children should not have to make. It left Eldest Girl with the same..things their father could have taken care of before he was ill were left undone and his children had to deal with the aftermath.

As our divorce was two or three wives ago, I had no way to help with the final details. I have to watch them work through it alone/together. It has been a strain on all of us. I don't know how to help them but I keep trying to tell them they are doing an amazing job of honoring their father by tying up the remains of his life for him. They have.

The family I started with that man ended up with the mate putting the final "Dad" touches on it. But somehow I want to express to my children (all of them, including steps and the one in MA) that you never go into a relationship thinking, "This is gonna blow up in my heart". You join in love.

Even though that first marriage became a nightmare of emotional and financial stress before it ended, we were young and in love when we started out. My children were born of that love. We all loved each other at one time. I was young enough to believe in forever when I said my first vows. That kept us trying to be together well past the point that I, perhaps, should have quit on the situation and moved on. But I believed "til death us do part" meant something when I said it....I tried to make it so. I failed. It takes two and he needed something he couldn't get from me. It ended messily.

The man I loved next fathered my youngest girl. He was a comfort to me after the disaster of my first marriage but we also crashed and burned. He moved out of state and away from his home state as well. He passed on from cancer in '98, I think. He was also far from his family and loved ones...and his daughter. She had to deal with losing her father long distance, too.

There is more to this, of course, but it's not needed here. But how to grieve someone that has not been a part of your life for years - how to have any meaningful conclusion? With the distance and a cremation there is no standard ritual of passing and I think it feels like leaving something important undone...But I don't know if it is really needed by the kids, or if they'd rather let it go....

I'm good, either way. I have learned to grieve alone. I was surprised I could grieve for this man. It did blow up in our hearts and it was nasty.

But when I first saw him I knew I would marry him. When I met him again, three years later, I did. We sat in the Arb listening to live accoustic music by starlight. We walked hand in hand by the lake. We watched the babies grow and felt their first kicks. We taught them funny faces and words and we laughed. He read me scary stories before bed when I was pregnant and couldn't sleep. And I was young and pretty and he was young and handsome and the children were beautiful. He was smart and I was hard working. But it changed.

The man that I loved and married in my youth is gone. He was gone, for me, before the marriage was over. But for them he was still there. Now he is not.

I grieve for the family that almost was, for yet another who knew me in my youth, the loss of faith in forever and the hurts to my children's trusting hearts.

I am glad we had the mate in our lives to heal so much of what was hurt between us. He and his girls, who truely are like my own, gave us back a sense of family that we had lost. We will work through this because of his patch job of love for us all.

So I mourn the first man I married, for what could have been. I miss the second man for what almost was, and I so miss my last man because of what finally was forever, at least his forever.

I still find no way to comfort the children but to say I love them and I'm proud of them, they have amazed me with how well they are handling this. They are doing as well as real adults! (uh - mom lag - they ARE adults, but I have seen it, now.)

I am down three partners, one dad, one brother and won't count the grandfather gen...they are all gone. May they all rest in peace, but I miss the men I had in my life.

****** updates*****

The friend that was lost is found, not well, but located. He's very off the wagon just now and I'm hoping someone can find a way to help him. I can't. He hasn't returned my call. But I am glad he is okay. I had feared worse.

The friend getting back with his girl sounded good by email today, too. That's 2 out of two!

I spent Monday getting the bike legal and the battery changed out, the tires checked, some ProGuard in the tank and then going to #1son's for a #1DIL wonderful feed. I was taking a dinner over to them but it got a little late as they went to the zoo and I was snagged on tires. Stupid mag wheels don't let you access the air valve well on the back tire...(I got it).

After talking to them and giving the grand girl a ride on the bike I rode home in the light chill of the evening and never saw a deer.

Today I slept til the dogs got me up, drank coffee, waited for a woman to pick up a cable she needed, then loaded me on the bike and went for a ride. I stopped by the rook for a few more photos but the great blues were not cooperating as nicely as they did last time. Then I went on north a way I guess I haven't been since the year the mate died because I was going to stop at a little place to eat and found out it burned down two years ago....

The day was balmy, the sky touched with decorative, puffy clouds and the road full of pot holes. The bike ran smoother with every mile and starts with one touch of the button, now that it has a new battery. I smiled a lot. I rode with random strangers on bikes that caught up with me for a few miles. It was almost like having someone to ride with again. I found another place to get something to eat. I read a book while I ate. I rode home and took a nap. I got up in time to make dinner for bible study.
I just gave me one day with no chores and no expectations, just to ride around and be alive in. It was very good. I'm still here, still alive and still caring. That's good enough for now.

The bike is tucked into the garage. The dishes are washed and put away. The dogs are fed and asleep. The house is quiet. It used to be my favorite part of the day. The quiet time; time to curl up on the couch and catch some snuggles and some tube before bed. Now it's when I check the email one last time, shut down the machine, turn off the lights and go to bed alone.

But I have gone to bed in love in my life. I have had love in my days. I know I have loved. I know I will keep loving. I hope to have love in my days again.

Don't get around much, anymore

The friend with the sore heart called yesterday. I'm glad to say he seems to be doing better and it looks like he will be getting back together with the woman he loves. It was nice to have some positive news and I was glad to hear him sounding more upbeat.

The friend that was missing is still missing as far as I know...I've had no word from that quarter. It bothers me but there isn't anything I can do for them. So I keep prayers going up and wait.

The #1son got a little time home and will be back again Sunday. His father is still failing and refusing food. They don't know how much longer it will be before he passes but they seem sure it will be soon. #1DIL has been doing double duty with the grand boy teething and the husband hurting and the grand girl twinkling all over everything...I heart that DIL!

C2girl and family will be down with the bike this weekend. I'm antsy to get it. I need to get this lawn work done so I can ride guilt free next week.....It's been raining too much to mow, though so I didn't really put it off so much as I just couldn't do it.

Easy is looking into other jobs and I'm hoping he finds what he wants soon. He's still working but due to repairs to the electrical on the building, was off this week. It's hard for him to sit around so he spent his time checking out other possibilities.

I've been working on a laptop and trying to get it running good enough to get it online. Then I can pass it on to someone who needs one. The last desk top I did I gave to Easy. He is only using it for entertainment but it's so old that that's it's best thing.

I get all lost in the problem solving of a rebuild and forget the stresses in my life. It's good for me. Like a hobby that is also useful. I need that; to feel that being here lightens someone else's load. I'm waiting to see if I can find the right disks to install the drivers the laptop needs before I tear it all the way down. Right now I'm just stripping files off to create some space on the hard drive.

If we can't even keep a family peaceful and loving what hope is there for the world? Why do people continue to hurt each other for no good reason? Is it just to be creating turmoil or show their power to hurt? When you know how much easier life is when you are kind and caring to each other, why be anyway else? Why do we feel the need as a society to have everyone be alike? Where is the joy in our diversity that brings so much innovation to our lives? And what happened to this post?

Sorry, I think I let me out of the box a little there. Daily blah blah is so much less painful to write than the truth of what is in my head and heart, like I used to write here. I want to stay in touch with all of you so I post something, however bland, just to let you know I am here.

I was drawn back to a man who was high in my heart once. He reached out to me and I replied - willingly and gladly. He flashes through my life like a comet with a fiery tail lighting the sky. I lift my heart to his light and he's gone. I see I have misplaced my care again, in one who does not have a care for my feelings and needs.

I'll do it again, and probably again, because that's what I do. I care when one I know has a need and I try to meet it if I can.

But when I repeatedly stand with empty arms and a full heart, alone again, I hang my head and wonder at the blindness of those who say they care for others.

Yes, I want a man in my life again to love, but right now I would settle for a good hug all my own. One I don't have to feel belongs to another woman, a hug just for me, just the way I am because someone saw that I needed it and cared enough to give it.

Easy complained to me once, that I never asked for help. I just did things and he would have given me a hand if he knew. I told him I was used to doing things alone now. But as I thought about it I knew that really it is that I never had to ask.

I was blessed with one who saw my needs and, because he loved me, he filled them. I don't know how to ask anymore because I believe that, if you care, you offer. If you don't care, I can do it myself easier. So I bring the groceries in alone, mow alone, rake alone, build the fire alone.

Having managed to blow through three men now, I'm not asking anymore.I'm waiting for one who fills a need without my asking. One who cares.

Okay, I'm crawling back in my hole now. And real world kids and such, I'm okay. Just lonelier than I have been in a long time today. It will pass. I'll see you all later.

I am gonna be riding soon!!! Happy thought!