Will you still love me tomorrow?

My first husband has passed on ahead of his children. My son let me know. He would have gotten yet another call while he was out on the road, telling him he had lost his father. I feel so badly for him having to always be away from home and family when this happened.

A spider tumor ended this man's life. It was very fast from diagnosis to his ending. It left my #1son with a responsibility he didn't really want and decisions children should not have to make. It left Eldest Girl with the same..things their father could have taken care of before he was ill were left undone and his children had to deal with the aftermath.

As our divorce was two or three wives ago, I had no way to help with the final details. I have to watch them work through it alone/together. It has been a strain on all of us. I don't know how to help them but I keep trying to tell them they are doing an amazing job of honoring their father by tying up the remains of his life for him. They have.

The family I started with that man ended up with the mate putting the final "Dad" touches on it. But somehow I want to express to my children (all of them, including steps and the one in MA) that you never go into a relationship thinking, "This is gonna blow up in my heart". You join in love.

Even though that first marriage became a nightmare of emotional and financial stress before it ended, we were young and in love when we started out. My children were born of that love. We all loved each other at one time. I was young enough to believe in forever when I said my first vows. That kept us trying to be together well past the point that I, perhaps, should have quit on the situation and moved on. But I believed "til death us do part" meant something when I said it....I tried to make it so. I failed. It takes two and he needed something he couldn't get from me. It ended messily.

The man I loved next fathered my youngest girl. He was a comfort to me after the disaster of my first marriage but we also crashed and burned. He moved out of state and away from his home state as well. He passed on from cancer in '98, I think. He was also far from his family and loved ones...and his daughter. She had to deal with losing her father long distance, too.

There is more to this, of course, but it's not needed here. But how to grieve someone that has not been a part of your life for years - how to have any meaningful conclusion? With the distance and a cremation there is no standard ritual of passing and I think it feels like leaving something important undone...But I don't know if it is really needed by the kids, or if they'd rather let it go....

I'm good, either way. I have learned to grieve alone. I was surprised I could grieve for this man. It did blow up in our hearts and it was nasty.

But when I first saw him I knew I would marry him. When I met him again, three years later, I did. We sat in the Arb listening to live accoustic music by starlight. We walked hand in hand by the lake. We watched the babies grow and felt their first kicks. We taught them funny faces and words and we laughed. He read me scary stories before bed when I was pregnant and couldn't sleep. And I was young and pretty and he was young and handsome and the children were beautiful. He was smart and I was hard working. But it changed.

The man that I loved and married in my youth is gone. He was gone, for me, before the marriage was over. But for them he was still there. Now he is not.

I grieve for the family that almost was, for yet another who knew me in my youth, the loss of faith in forever and the hurts to my children's trusting hearts.

I am glad we had the mate in our lives to heal so much of what was hurt between us. He and his girls, who truely are like my own, gave us back a sense of family that we had lost. We will work through this because of his patch job of love for us all.

So I mourn the first man I married, for what could have been. I miss the second man for what almost was, and I so miss my last man because of what finally was forever, at least his forever.

I still find no way to comfort the children but to say I love them and I'm proud of them, they have amazed me with how well they are handling this. They are doing as well as real adults! (uh - mom lag - they ARE adults, but I have seen it, now.)

I am down three partners, one dad, one brother and won't count the grandfather gen...they are all gone. May they all rest in peace, but I miss the men I had in my life.

****** updates*****

The friend that was lost is found, not well, but located. He's very off the wagon just now and I'm hoping someone can find a way to help him. I can't. He hasn't returned my call. But I am glad he is okay. I had feared worse.

The friend getting back with his girl sounded good by email today, too. That's 2 out of two!

I spent Monday getting the bike legal and the battery changed out, the tires checked, some ProGuard in the tank and then going to #1son's for a #1DIL wonderful feed. I was taking a dinner over to them but it got a little late as they went to the zoo and I was snagged on tires. Stupid mag wheels don't let you access the air valve well on the back tire...(I got it).

After talking to them and giving the grand girl a ride on the bike I rode home in the light chill of the evening and never saw a deer.

Today I slept til the dogs got me up, drank coffee, waited for a woman to pick up a cable she needed, then loaded me on the bike and went for a ride. I stopped by the rook for a few more photos but the great blues were not cooperating as nicely as they did last time. Then I went on north a way I guess I haven't been since the year the mate died because I was going to stop at a little place to eat and found out it burned down two years ago....

The day was balmy, the sky touched with decorative, puffy clouds and the road full of pot holes. The bike ran smoother with every mile and starts with one touch of the button, now that it has a new battery. I smiled a lot. I rode with random strangers on bikes that caught up with me for a few miles. It was almost like having someone to ride with again. I found another place to get something to eat. I read a book while I ate. I rode home and took a nap. I got up in time to make dinner for bible study.
I just gave me one day with no chores and no expectations, just to ride around and be alive in. It was very good. I'm still here, still alive and still caring. That's good enough for now.

The bike is tucked into the garage. The dishes are washed and put away. The dogs are fed and asleep. The house is quiet. It used to be my favorite part of the day. The quiet time; time to curl up on the couch and catch some snuggles and some tube before bed. Now it's when I check the email one last time, shut down the machine, turn off the lights and go to bed alone.

But I have gone to bed in love in my life. I have had love in my days. I know I have loved. I know I will keep loving. I hope to have love in my days again.