You've got a friend

How blessed my days have been, said by a friend,
rang like Sunday bells in my ears.
How can I, who have been so blessed,
walk through life in fear?

I will, perhaps, when I am old,
be funny looking and acting.
The inside of me will still be
thinking and loving and caring.

And maybe no one will remember me
in my youth and beauty and bravery.
They may have all gone on to other lives
or on to the next ahead of me.

But I rememember the blessings in my days.

I know that life changes, I see that
it challenged me and drove me down
at times I cursed it, but I lived through it,
with the love given to me.

I remember love and laughter,
pranks and pratfalls,
cheers and catcalls, pets and kids,
cars and bikes, driven faster than the law.

I remember the touch of caring hands.

The love that holding hands sends
racing through your body,
and lips and smiles and hugs
and other loving touches.

I remember bounty and beauty,
I remember joy and play,
I remember friends and parties,
all the funerals and weddings
that drew us together again.

I remember the scent of fresh cut hay,
of sun and flowers
and the greens,
oh, the greens of August,
before they give way to the color of flame
and fall away.

I remember the first rain of spring
warm enough to run naked in.
The lake as the water cooled our heat
in a sudden "Brrrr" of relief.
The breeze that smelled of honey suckle
and lilacs in the warmth of the evening.

I have been so blessed, my children,
my friends, my family and the ones
I have with me now are loving of me
and I love them and I will love them then.

I walked my days, through broken loves,
fires, terrors and ignorance.
Illness, too,touched my life - let me forget them
And know I am alive!
I have loved and am loved and will love.

Tell me you feel sorry for me now.

Riding the storm out

It's been really easy to start getting along without the net at home...Storms took out the power Wednesday night around ten. We are losing the food in the fridge but the rest of the house and grounds are ok.

Around us the trees are down from the roots up and branches lay in the roads. Parts of stuff from one yard are in another. It's all getting sorted out and cleaned up as we go.

Haven't heard from all the kids yet so they must be ok or they would have called. One town over, I was told, parts look like a war zone.

I'm feeling blessed to be here at work where the toliet works and the water runs. We still have the power on. And the car didn't get nailed by the storm.

I have been doing lots of thinking, enjoying the days. I went to the jam last night and got a chance to hear a boy from England sing and play with his sister. We even had a mini play. It was fun to see my friends there and I got to practice on the acoustic, anyway. Can't work on the electric without power and so practicing for the picnic next week has been a little slow.

I hadn't checked on everyone. Some people seem to think that is strange. But to me this is just one of the things we deal with where we live. The kids all have survival skills - some to chop wood and make a fire, some to get a motel room and go to work from there. I know that they are able to take care of them selves.

The neighbors are the same. I've lived here for years and we all just commence sawing and stacking and hauling until the mess is cleaned up. The older ones cook and the younger ones haul and it all gets done somehow.

That all depends on the resources you have available. This wasn't Katrina, the stores are open, there are plenty of supplies of batteries and candles and gas and water here. So I don't see it as that big of a deal.

I lost some groceries, there are no lights, the water isn't running and the sump pump isn't pumping. I will be ok. I have battery and propane lamps, candles, carry in my water and the biggest mess right now is the toilet that we can't flush well. I still flush it with a bucket.

I can still help the family that got hit by lightening and lost everything. I am blessed.

Put your sweet lips a little closer to the phone

Just to let all the family and friends that read here that - yes, turning off the net at the house is a cost cutting of a sort but - No, I am not in dire straights.

With rememebering this is a laptop I can do file uploads every other week from free wireless and I can check the other email at work. I won't be out of touch except probably on weekends.

I just am looking for ways to lessen the things that I don't need to really do right now and get on the net at night after staring at it all day for customers and shipping is one that I can give up easily - I think.

I can always get it back if I need it later. I just didn't want anyone to think the world was ending because I cut off the net at the house.

I might even get the laundry done instead of building web pages!

So don't panic, I'm fine. The phone is freed up, too. Give me a call!

and words are all I have

How inadaquate they seem to me today. Perhaps it is just me craving the communcation that needs no words. Some times you just miss it; The wordless knowing that comes between two people observing the same event or sharing the same moment.

But this is what I have available so I try again to express my self with words.

I have none.

****wink****, (shrug), :) .

It's only words

The weekend was good. I got out to jam with some folks interested in getting a country band together. When we got done sweating in the garage I had a pig roast to hit for a friend. Both events were good people, good fun and, at the roast, good food. I didn't know very many people at either event but met new ones. I listened to them talk.

Sunday night I got word from the Sis that we had lost a relative. I called in Monday to go to the funeral but discovered I had the wrong date. I called back in to say I would just do the visitations. I met a lot of cousins and only really knew three people there. I sat quietly, mostly, listening to them talk.

I was surprised at what I heard this weekend and Monday. I guess I really haven't gotten out in the real world much in the last twenty years. At the jam we talked music. That was ok. One person speculated on another person's decision on working together but it was gently done.

At the pig roast my table companions were mostly older, single males. There was one married couple with us but they didn't add much to the conversation. All the men talked about was lying to, getting rid of or dodging women that they professed to having no feelings for except that they were having sex with them.

On Monday the converstion was about our relative, a little, but most people there didn't know her well and that faded out quickly. For the rest of the time I was sitting there several of them were talking about a couple that apparently had several legal, ethical, relationship and employment problems. Nothing was skipped and no one said, "or so I have heard". It was hung out as the facts and it was not pretty.

The talk was all so negative. I said nothing at the visitation. I just left the group that was airing that couples private problems. At the pig roast I evenutally told the men that they were making me wonder why I would look for a partner again. I hated to think all the men I might meet would feel so negative about woman.

When we have a situation in the group I run with the goal is to help problem solve, not tear down. Friendships and relationships are encouraged and treasured. No one is left to hang unless they request being left alone. We want to help where we can, and we pray where we can't. We try to find the best way to get each other over the humps of life, not just knock people for the mistakes they make. We all screw up.

I really didn't know how to handle all the negative comments I heard this weekend. When I could I advocated for the "missing person". When I couldn't do that I just stayed quiet or left the conversatation.

I went to visit some friends between the visitations and it was mentioned that they had heard from a mutual friend. I was told he said he was stuck at home because of the rains. When I got home I called to see if he needed anything, like food or whatever, hauled in. That is what we do for our friends and family.

How do we get that back into the everyday life of the people around us that are all so hurt or in such messes that they can't see daylight? The bitter hearts, jealous thoughtlessness, the hurts and the pain I saw this weekend hurt me because I can't fix them.

I can only do it by helping one person and one problem at a time as they are brought to me. I just got reminded that is the only way I can help. I can't fix the world. I don't know it well enough anymore to even begin to know how to fix it.

Love is a rose

Just to get my other dog story in - From my herstory.

One day, while Mom was in town, we were playing out in the yard, all five of us and our dog. He was in the road for some reason, either chasing a ball or coming back from the creek, I don't really remember. He was just a little hound and we all loved him.

A blue van came over the hill and hit him - right in the middle of the road. They slowed down, too late, and then sped off and left us standing there in shock.

I was fairly fast on my feet and knew this needed the Mom. I sent one girl to call her and I asked one for a blanket, I slowed down and looked for traffic but I was to him before they could reach the house. I didn't care about the cars that might come, I cared about our dog. I told the sister and brother left to stay back and sent them up the hill to flag cars for me.

I dropped there in the road beside him. He was screaming dog pain and it ripped my heart. I looked him over and knew moving him would hurt. I had to wait for the blanket and my extra set of hands. I spoke, to him, "Oh Ozzie I am so sorry, it's going to be ok", and such like that in a calm voice. Then I reached out my hand to comfort him, just to touch him on the head.

He bit me.

I stared at my hand and then the pain hit. His lips were drawn back and he growled and shook his head. That ripped my hand more. I tried to pull it back. He had his jaw locked down tight. I started crying, too. I couldn't get him to let go.

I finally hit him in the nose and yanked my hand as hard as I could to get him to give it back. I needed it to get him on the blanket. He let go when I hit him. We were both crying by then.

It hurt my heart so to hit my dog. I know it would have hurt his to know who he bit. We didn't either of us mean to do it but we didn't know what else to do in our pain but strike out.

I cradled my hand and ran back for the house with blood all over me. I called the other kids in with me and we left him lay there alone. I knew then and I know now that dog loved me. What I didn't know is that he was blinded by the pain and bit on instinct to protect himself.

If he had lived it would have been forgotten between us in the healing time. We would have fogotten the hurt taking care of each other while we got better. I know it because I have been through this with other animals in my life now. Never quite as bad as that mess, but they forgive me for my mistakes with them. I don't hold their errors against them, either. We move on past them.

I knew the kids and I would be risking another bite if we tried moving him. I sent them upstairs to wait and watch for Mom while I tended my hand. The littlest girl took the blanket and snuck back out the upstairs window. She found him where he had dragged himself. By then he was unaware. She brought him too us. He was a mess and we were all crying. I never did holler at her for not minding me.

Mom got home. We loaded up and headed for the vet. The poor dog had no bite left in him by then. My one hand was wrapped in a wet towel but I held him on my lap and used the other one to touch him. I talked to him in case he could hear. "I know you didn't mean it, I'm sorry I hit your nose. It's going to be ok. We are taking you to the vet." and all the other things a girl might say to comfort her pet.

We had to put that dog down. Mom took me to the doctor afterward. I wouldn't go until the dog was taken care of and I was screamingly sure of it. She accepted that from me, even after she saw my hand. I could wait while the poor dog needed help right now. I had some stitches in the knuckles and it was pretty ugly.

I couldn't use that hand for awhile. It hurt for a week or more. I had tears in the palm and knuckles. I had scars, they don't show much now, but at the time they made me shy about reaching out that marred hand.

The neighbor dog started coming down and they gave him to us. He never could be Ozzie but he chased the snakes out of the pond for us and we loved him. He was loving and ran through our days with us. Our hearts accepted him for himself. He had lots of tricks. When he got old he used to fall on his side and have little sizures. We would pound on his chest and he'd get up and stagger a minute and be fine. He lived to be almost eighteen with us.

I have had lots of dogs since then, and accidents that happened. I never left one with out my help, even with my fear of being bit.

I had a great pup we called Big Jake get hurt by a truck one day. I was terrified of his screams and afraid he was a goner. I had kids by then and had to be the mom. I got him out with the help I had from the mate and I washed his wounds and dressed them the best I could. He didn't bite me but I was very careful handling him. We got through it and he lived.

I could have been too afraid and not been able to help him. How could I not try when I heard him hurting? I had to really get into the brave pills to reach under the truck and help bring him out. I did it. I will do it again if I have to. I like to think I will always be able to reach out and help, no matter how scarred up the hand I have left to do it with.

I know that if you love each other you can get through a hurt to each other. The pain and love are both real but one stops and the other is for always. In the healing time the hurt will pass.

And I learned that even a scarred hand can show love for a friend. Keep reaching out your hand.

Just to know that you remember me

Sometimes I have to remember who I am. I have been dealing with a situation I care about in a way that seems a little "overboard" sometimes. Then I remember that I AM a deeply caring person and overboard is my normal position. With or without a life ring or someone to throw me a line, I jump right in and try for whatever I think is important.

Sometimes I miss the boat, but I rarely have to say "Someone should do something about that", I usually have tried already. So I remind me that I am just fine, it's just the way I care. I care all the way.

I was looking up something for a friend and found this from last winter. Anvil's comment on the last post rang out - so I am running this again under, "Lessons learned from my dogs". Thanks, Anvil.
********
I was praying for a dog tonight. At least I thought I was. He is a semi long haired, mostly white stray. He yips like a coyote though. I suppose he could be a coyote. It is under ten below zero here;. Wind chill makes it worse. I don't care what he is, it's too cold to be out without shelter and food.

I noticed him Tuesday as I walked my sis to the car. As he barked I made a comment and she answered, "It sounds like a dog freezing to death." I put dry food out front for him that night. I could see he ate some the next day, but not much. I have no hope of keeping water out there for him. It freezes in fifteen minutes. Solid.

Tonight, when I heard him again, I put out fresh food. Then, being the idiot I am, I went out to check it without looking first and scared him off it.

He stopped and sat under the street light's glow in the center of the intersection. I called and whistled. Whitey, Snowball, Snowflake, Smoke, Baby, Puppy - none of the words I spoke moved him to come to me. He got up and walked off into the dark.

He is so cold he can't stop moving long and he can't trust a human. When he thinks he might want to go to a human, even one with food in it's hand, he can't trust his own judgement. He remembers being wrong before and moves away. He is moving away from warmth, shelter, food and into the cold. It's all he knows to do that is safe from kicks and blows and loud words and anger. It's cold but it's safer alone in the dark.

All the dogs tied out alone tonight would lie together in a pile, if they were free, to keep warm. Straw, sheds, barns, none of them is enough shelter in this weather for an animal alone. The only way to survive is in a group of warm bodies or a place with heat.

I put my pads out from my summer chairs, one flat and one upright, blocking the wind, next to the pipe the furnace vents from. It's warm there, sort of. I put hot food in a bowl for him. I went back in, calling as I went.

I check from the windows, more careful now to be quiet. I see no tracks. I will have to go out and bring the food in to heat again soon. I put out chicken for him and dry food that won't freeze. Crap, it's in a steel bowl, I have to change it over to plastic.

Poor scared thing. Alone, cold, hungry, no trust, no hope except for a good trash can somewhere. I try to help but he is too afraid and so I do what I can and pray he finds a warm place to be tonight.
*****
I even care for stray dogs and a crying kitten would have me searching the yard. Of course I take care of people the same way and care for them even more!

Having been a stray myself, and sheltered some along the way, I have learned that sometimes you get bit. It doesn't stop me from trying to help where I think I can.

I like that about me. So what if it is a little overboard? I can swim!

You ain't going no where

Jeanette had a big, juicy steak yesterday for lunch. Her dog and mine were in to enjoy our company but their noses were really enjoying the anticipation of a treat.

Jeanette's old hound, Roscoe, lay in the living room doorway, mostly asleep. My girl, Shadow, contrary to the rule, lay right near Jeanette's feet. Her eyes never left the hand cutting the steak. When I eat they do it just the opposite, Roscoe with me and watching and my dog in the living room waiting. I started thinking about it.

Waiting. I don't do it well yet, though I think I have made improvements. In lines I don't heavy sigh or fidget like I used to. Even if I see a hold up ahead I wait better. I trust I will get my turn. It may not be when I wanted it but I can see it coming soon.

Others might be gripping or whining or sending cranky looks at the cashier. I might try to distract them with a chat about something on the headlines of the newspaper or I might just let them fuss and let the cashier know with a look that I know she can't go any faster and it's ok with me so she doesn't feel like everyone in line hates her.

I know I wait best when I know I am going to get a turn. Just like the dogs, Roscoe trusts Jeanette, he waits patiently for her to call him. Mine feels like she has to sit there and remind Jeanette that she is waiting, too. Jeanette and I always split scraps and treats fairly between our friends but the one that looks to us trusts and waits and the other one begs us not to forget.

When we can't see our turn coming or we are waiting on something unfamiliar to us, people are the same. The ones that trust wait easily, the ones that don't make a fuss.

So I am trying to learn to wait and trust from the living room of my life to see what I need will come to me when the time is right. To believe, even though it's new to me, that I will get a turn and the needs I feel will be met.

I may not see how any thing will change and I may not understand the wait but that is the part where you have to learn to trust the guidance in your heart. Mine still says wait even though I might think I should pick a new direction that might look greener, so to speak.

I continue to do what has worked for me but I am seeing the changes I am going through. They just mean I am alive. Life is change; but some parts of life are waiting until, at the right time, you start moving on.

The trick seems to be knowing which to do when. It's something I am still working on. Right now I am still at wait, but the day is coming when I will get a turn to jump back into things again and I am trying to be really ready.