Somewhere in my wicked and miserable past

Weird couple of days here. Sis couldn't get in the house. Used her key, but I had left door open, and then, at the pantry door, couldn't budge it...new paint, ya know. I told her it's always stuck and I just kick it. Yesterday her schedule didn't let her get over after all. I have gotten a few fussy things done but last night went to get mail, home, fed animals, made dinner, ate and crashed in chair till after midnight. Got up, put coffee on and went to bed. Only think I got done was trash and move some stuff to access back porch better.

I was just zoned out all day. Couldn't stay awake at work hardly and don't know why. I am guessing it's a depression thing. I have supressed the depression in most parts of my life but it sneaks around the locks and catches me sometimes. I think the sleeping thing is part of it.

I refuse to be miserable all the time. If the mate had made me feel this bad I would have had flowers and candy and special dinners and hot you-know-what until he made me smile again. He wants me smiling. He liked my smile. It's why the house has to be my house, my way, not "our" house anymore. It's why I still go to work every day. I used to do it because I loved him and he liked that extra money. Now I do it because I have to take care of me and I like having the bills paid. Still, with all I try to do for myself, it's not the same as when someone you love does it for you and I still get really lonely for him. So I guess I just have to keep at it.

Some times my shoulders slump and my smile fades and my eyes clench tight and I just ache. Mostly though I am doing pretty good here. The house continues to improve, the bills are paid, the extra company from the helpers really brings joy to my days, Shadow is getting over her solo status and enjoying being the only dog, the stoner cat is a basement cat now and can't mess up my new home and the old cat, Timone will be getting his own steps to the top of the dryer to reach his food soon. The new windows cut the drafts, the new from the bottom up flooring is easy to dust off and sweep and I am still getting rid of stuff.

The #1Son has been two weeks with no smokes, I am so proud of him! The Best Girl continues to amaze me with her constant willingness to help here, the Eldest Daughter is really satisfied with her life right now and Scooter Girl is doing better all the time.

Back just around Christmas last year I was lucky enough to notice we had everything we wanted and it was all paid for and running, the family and kids and friends were all ok and we were still deeply in love and both content with our lives. I mentioned it to the mate and he and I spent several days very aware of our blessings.

He and Buck have gone on ahead of me but all the other blessings are pretty much back in place now. Aside from one nephew with a divorce coming up we are all pretty good here, the bills are paid and the house, with it's new furnace, water heater, windows and lights, is better than ever. While I am down to one vehicle it is running well. I am warm and snug and loved still.

I think I will just skip the fact that I have no one to share it with because I am ok by myself but it is like skipping the bridge over the river somedays. It just doesn't work well.

I am hoping to get back on track tonight. I got a lot of sleep, I feel better today and I have just the kitchen to paint, the tile floor to scrub and then the fun stuff, doing the walls and such to get the downstairs done. I am even looking forward to the upstairs now that I know I can whip the two story ceiling in the stairwell. It's going to be good.

So thanks for hanging with me here. You make me a lot less lonely that I have you all to talk to.