What kind of Fool am I?

I tried to write Sunday but it was a total washout. So we are still at Friday even though I have made it, once again, to Monday.

One note, on Wednesday and Thursday the Daring Dame did NOT visit me. So, like I said, I won't be holding my breath about her again. I hate that we had so much conflict when I wanted so much to help but I can't help but be glad I don't have to deal with the people she has chosen to associate with. I do not want them in my life.

I went flying home Friday, grabbed a fast shower, snatched up the IBM and headed out the door to take it north to a guy who really needed a computer I thought. Things get a little complicated here. I could not find the place we were meeting. The directions were a little confused in my head. When I did find them, the place was closed - like out of business. My new acquaintences were waiting in their car.

Due to a previous committment they were going to have to fly home. They didn't have time to learn to run the laptop that night. I was ok with that and told them so. I also told them that I had arranged to get them a better computer if they could do this on Sunday instead, when I could pick it up.

I had set up a teen with an old laptop and she messed it all up playing in the display. It only runs Win95 but would get online to get email and such for her. I went to fix it and can't remember how to get 95 to load in safe mode. I lucked into it once but by then was just wacking the crap out of the F buttons so I didn't know how I did it...LOL! It's been awhile since I worked with 95... So I told her I would work on it over the weekend.

She just wants to surf and email her pals. I want to give her the slightly better IBM. The guy wants to do Ebay and have a website for a business. I wanted him to have a better machine to work with. I explain all this to them and they seem cool with it. But somehow I have managed to make them upset with me I discover when I call on Sunday to set a time to go up.

I asked for the wife, knowing the guy was working on orders, and when she got on the phone I asked if they would have time to do this today. She says he said he doesn't need a computer now, he has one coming. And she declines to give me some info for the website I was working on for them because "he handles all that" even though I know it was something she could answer.

I wracked my brains going over the conversation from Friday and can find two things I may have screwed up on. I call the computers we pass on for nothing the "charity computers", that may have offended them. Where I just mean we give them away free they may have felt I meant they were a charity case...

And the guy had refered to his size in reference to something to do with cars. I replied that he was a nice guy and that I found him easy on my eyes as he resembled the mate a little. I made a point of telling her, I was just saying and not after her mate but I may have had both feet in my mouth.

Now my stomache hurts. I was just getting to know this couple and they seem like really nice people around my age. I was trying to help them out and would have gotten him on the bay and everything even though they live so far north. But they don't know me very well yet and are not what I call "use to me". I am not sure what the opposite of tactful is but I know most of the time that's me.

People that know me just groan and correct me when I screw up, no hard feeling. People I don't know may get hurt feelings or just be amazed I said that out loud. I have done better with the mate helping me learn to rephrase things but I don't plan ahead on what to say. It just gets said. Most of the time it is the truth as I see/feel it. If I had used any word but charity or just said I don't think you are as big as you think you are I could have been spending more time with them in the future. Now I think I am cut off. And I am not even sure of that as she wasn't really mean but just seemed a little cool toward me. I could have imagined that, too. I tend to be over sensitive about this kind of confused social situation.

I didn't know quite how to handle it so I told her I would call later in the week for the info I needed from him and told her good bye. It's been eating at me most of the weekend now and I had to get it out of my system. The only way I know to handle it is to call tonight and see if he will speak with me. If I get the machine I will state the two ways I think I screwed up and apologize for being so crass...that must be the opposite of tactful. Then I will leave my numbers and see if they call me. I hate that waiting thing, too, but it's the dues you pay when you don't know what you did or how to make it right. It so sucks to lose friends before you can even make them.

I had the guitar with me and went on up to the cousin's place to see if anyone would come out to play. I started at the little bar they own, no one was there so I went over to visit and tuned the guitars the two youngest just got. There were only five strings on them, both high E strings were broken already. Normal for kid guitars.

The boy seemed really into it and I expect he will be making noisy songs in the newer genre soon. The girl had a friend over and wasn't into it at all just then. Once my guitar thawed out I played a few songs for them, showed him the scales and how to tune to the low E string. I think he got most of it. That made it fun for me.

The Cousin is following along here and confessed I am her new soap. I loved that. It's nice to think she knows where I am at and cares enough to read everyday. All of the friends and family that do read here make me smile. I don't have to tell the same story twenty times.

I went back over to the bar and made myself take the guitar in. It was a goodness. I have not played in "public" yet. I am still too raw and new again. But I am working on it. I got it out after awhile and the whole four people there had a good time. I even picked up on a song I don't really know so the bartender could sing it for me. I told him I'd have it for next time. While it was no cake walk, I screwed up and started over and missed chords, I didn't get stage frighty and I didn't get stuck for something to play. Drawing a blank without a cheat list of songs you know is a common problem for entertainers. I have practiced enough to avoid that for a full set, anyway.

I closed them out with one last cup of coffee and drove home. It felt good to make people smile and sing along again, even just four of them. I need lots more work before I take on a full house and a full night of singing. I am getting closer though.

Saturday I visted with a new friend and an old friend and then I finally made it to a music store for a capo. Guess what they were out of. Yup. But I bought a mic stand and two guitar stands and a music stand. I am going to try putting speakers to the kareoke board and see if they work for the mic and then I can just run the guitar thru the amp. It will give me a little more "oomph" than putting them both through one amp. And I am looking for people to play and sing with for fun.

I think I will hit the bank Thursday and come back for the jam session in the local Thinks it's a Big Town this week. It's all accoustic and there can be as many as 30 people making music. I have played alone so long it's hard to do a song the way it was written and this will get me back in the habit of leaving room for instrumentals and proper timing. They play Friday's in the same town I work in so I can catch two a week. I may even meet some player/singers that want to get something going. Ya never can tell what will happen next around here.

I spent the rest of Saturday doing chores because the chapter we used to ride with was invited to burn dogs on Sunday. I got some weeds pulled and cleaned house some. I fretted over the people up north and got antsy about that. I set up the new toys and played a little.

Sunday I started out with my usual bird watching, went to the computer to pull some more lyrics, wrote and answered some emails. The little neighbor lady that worked in the flowers with me stopped in. She is making baby number the second. We looked at the yard and the garden. I picked some asparagus, filled the bird bath and spotted the neighbor mowing.

Then the girl asked me if my husband didn't do some of the yard work and I realized she didn't know he had died. When I explained she got all wound up and gave me hug. I told her to be nice to her mate today for us, like I always do. We walked over so I could talk to the neighbor and she went on home. She was upset and I felt bad. Breeding women always are extra tender hearted.

I worked out with the neighbor that I would mow his lawn for the use of the mower. I will buy the gas for my yard and he the gas for his. As soon as the bike sells I will get one of my own again. So tonight I will be going home to mow and weed whack. And Apolgize. And play my music. For the rest of Sunday I tried to get some more of the stuff out of the bedroom and do laundry.

I got so depressed working in the bedroom that I couldn't even talk to me. My face hurt from the crying I was doing and my head hurt from the questions I couldn't answer. Who gets this? Do I keep it, retire it or burn it or donate it? I try to think what the mate would want me to do with his stuff but in the long run, it is his stuff and I feel inadaquate to the task. I had another pile of things that were his grama's and will have to go to the girls, a pile on the other side of the bed that I am getting rid of and a pile on the dresser of Now What do I do with These?

I finally threw up my hands, grabbed a cold rag for my eyes and started trying to call someone to talk to me. I kept getting machines I couldn't talk to. I ended up with people on the bottom of my list to bother, the ones I don't want to disturb. Because it was so beautiful out I should have been riding and the friends on the top of the list were probably on the roads. I ended up with the nice mate of Tennesee Traveler. Turns out she is a counselor for Hospice. She really tried to talk to me but she was going into "pro" mode. I managed to get coherent and she said she would have my friend call me when he got back.

Then I got on line again and there was an email asking me to call my friend KMA. So I got off line and rang her up. We talked awhile, too, and I was almost under control again. I had gone back into the destructed bedroom and was making progress, of a sort, when the phone rang and it was Traveler. He and I talked about an hour and he did help me feel better. He just reminds me of things I already know to be true and reinforces the positive side of me. That is a very short sentence that describes a very great amount of help. I am blessed in my friends and family.

Some times you just want your peers, not family. I don't mean the family to think I can't talk to them but I think what I really wanted was someone to hold me while I cried it out and only peers can do that or you feel like a little kid running home with a boo boo. I really have been keeping as busy as I can. And most of the time I am ok. These things have to be moved out though and it tears through the bandage on my heart everytime I have to deal with them. It has to get done so it can't hurt me any more on a daily basis. So I do it, but I hate it.

The chapter never showed up so I guess I have chili dogs for supper tonight and then roast some marshmallows. It might even be fun.

Now it's Monday and day 114 of the new life. I have to say I am getting off to a rocky start. But at least I am starting. I have set some goals. Get four hours of music up, find some people to play with and get rid of anything I don't need to use every day or that is not for emergencies with the sub goal of getting down to one truck load. Mini projects are - recover seats on dining room set, weed whack the fence line and the dog pen and keep moving stuff out of here.

If I am so stupid I can't talk to others I will just hole up until I can do better. I don't need to watch others better than me make music, I need to make my own music better. And I will ride when ever I can so I don't forget why we had the bikes - it was to get us away from all this so we could enjoy being alive. Maybe after I mow I will ride tonight.