So I tucked my hair up under my hat and

I went in to ask them "why"?

"Put your business-like nature aside for the day and focus on your feelings. You may feel a bit protective of your emotions, but realize that much of what you are feeling is best experienced through your expressing it to others. Reach down deep and get in touch with what you truly believe is the heart of the issue. Your thinking process is clear as a whistle today - so enjoy it!"

Wrong again, but that was the horridscope today. I don't put much faith in them but they amused me sometimes. And I am having a problem with my feelings - trying to keep them in perspective. Also defining feelings as apart from hormone surges is difficult this week. I keep having big swings in my hormones while my moods have pretty much settled to a level some where near depressed but not beyond my ability to deal with - yet. It was pretty close this weekend but I made it with the help of my friends and I will keep turning to them for a hand up when I feel too low.

The big conundrum is that I am lonely for the company and touch of a man. Really missing it badly. Enough so that I think of going to the local meat markets and doing just a little "tipsy acting"to lure some poor guy into my greedy clutches.

Go for it! you say? Well, I would but I have this problem, somewhere I developed standards or morals or something. I have to at least think there is mutual like involved to even feel comfortable patting a man's arm in conversation, much less anything more intimate.

Great! Wonderful for me! I have expectations of my behavior that don't let me just lap hop anymore. It might even require me to use - OMG - Ladylike behavior!!! Ok, FINE! Now what?

Well, the second problem I have having is I am not even 39 and holding, I am past 49 and a true "broad". I was never a "narrow" as I am of german/irish background. I was a large boned, strong woman. Now I am just large. While I try to see past the body into the heart of a person most males my age on the prowl are a lot more shallow. We might have a great time jammin all night but they would faint if their friends thought they followed me home. I am not even making the top twenty list right now.

This is not a pity post, team, it's just the facts. The real problem is my contrary nature. I have been losing inchs, not weight, over the last 116 days, because I am exercising more. But I do not want a person who only likes the icing and doesn't even ask what flavor the cake is. I find myself dressing to appear more heavy than I am because I am cranky that the men I meet all seem to want is some little "narrow" spinner without a brain in her head.

These people are my age and still don't get it that the person you are is not the body you wear. Now I will confess to a weakness for voices. I like a deeper tone and lots of reverb. I still won't let a tenor with an interesting idea on the creation of the universe get away from the table until I understand why they think the way they do on that topic. And if they know the word Grok and use it correctly...wow!

Anyway, it all boils down to feeling like the heavy old lady wants a hug partner and none of the old men will even think about it. Then we get the "I refuse to lose weight (i.e., dress, talk, walk, behave in a certain way) just to get a man's attention. I have been this contrary ever since the first time someone told me I couldn't play because I was a girl or that I should wear a dress more often...LOL! Ain't gonna do it to please anyone but me.

Now I am trying to peel some pounds to make life easier around here for a woman alone but I find myself desguising that fact to the world out of plain old stubborn cutting off my nose to spite my face crankiness. Is it just me and I am going over the edge or do other people resent the "socially defined expectations" of dress and size in society and from their peers?

When someone shows me how to climb down out of a tree in a dress and still maintain the social taboo of not showing your undies I will think about getting a dress for everyday wear. Until then it's jeans for me and a pocket-t, a nice, unisex, comfortable, long wearing outfit for regular everyday wear. I can slide into first or bake cookies equally well in them. I am not ready to stick what is left of my legs out to stop traffic and get someone to change my tire. If I am in 'real clothes' I can just change it myself and go home.

Oh yeah, and I think I am just a tad cranky today....LOL. Happy Hormone week!