Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh

He said I could forward it, I just wanted to let you see a little of why he amuses me so.

To those who were concerned, or, completely out of the loop...

I awoke one morning, in the cab of my truck, like many another morning. I was on the state line between Illinois and Wisconsin, ready to begin another arduous day of driving to and fro.

But the fickle fates had something else planned for me. A sharp, nearly debilitating pain in my groin. Moving difficult, climbing in and out of my truck bordering on nearly impossible. Some of you know that I have something of a higher than average pain threshold, probably from running my head into solid objects on a regular basis as a child.

Well, this pain stopped me, left me nauseous and sweating. The first thing I did? Call an ambulance? Nope. Take pain killers? Nope. I immediately called my wife. Maybe I needed a second opinion. Perhaps I needed confirmation that I was in a ridiculous amount of pain.

She, apparently, could hear the suffering in my voice and told me to head to the nearest hospital. This seemed as good idea as any, so after packing a bag reflexively, (I’m a professional traveler after all) I called a taxi and had them cart me off to the nearest hospital, that being Blank in Waukegan Illinois.

The cab ride tested my pain threshold as the car in question had no suspension to speak of and, of course, I stressed the need to hurry. The driver did as requested, but I found out that the city of Waukegan’s road maintenance budget was seriously under funded. Each bump lanced more pain through my abdomen.

Soon enough however I reached the afore mentioned hospital. It was very early in the morning and there was almost no wait to get through the doors. No, the admissions process was very prompt. It was every thing else that took all day.

They put me in a bed in the ER, had me drink some barium so I would glow in the dark for the CT Scan, took as much blood as I could spare, then made me wait.

And wait.

And wait....

Some time after noon the guys over in radiology fit me in, bombarded me with gamma rays and turned me into the Incredible Hulk. . . . no...wait. Scratch that. I’m not large, green and violent...or at least not large and green...the violence comes later. But they did zap me for a few minutes, then sent me back to the ER to wait for about 2 more hours.

The results came back. A minor, if painful infection in gastro-intestinal track was the verdict. Painful, but not life threatening. They were all ready to give me a prescription for pain killers and send me on my merry way.

Perhaps them making me wait all day was to my benefit. I had just gotten dressed, gotten my discharge papers and was packed up and ready to go! Woohoo! I was literally passing through the door of my ER room when the nurse flagged me down and turned me around. I was not pleased. She had me return to my room and await the return of a different doctor. I think I saw a doctor previously, but he was a blur and I did blink once or twice, so I could be mistaken.

The new doctor showed up a few minutes later and told me that while, yes, there was indeed a minor and painful infection, the infected area was my appendix. Painkillers and antibiotics probably weren’t going to cut the mustard. No. The appendix would have to come out, and he could have me in surgery in 15 minutes.

Well! Great! What the heck! Lets get a small, fairly useless bit of me, cut out! I didn't have anything else planned for the day.

Sure enough, a few minutes later I was back in the smock with my rear flapping in the breeze and being zipped off to be prepped for surgery. The last thing I recall was that someone was strapping my legs down. Then….nothing.

It was reported later to me that whilst on the verge of becoming conscious again in the recovery room that I went briefly psycho. It took 4 people to hold me down, and another to reinsert the IV that I had torn from wrist. It seems I desperately wanted the picture of my daughter from my wallet. It was completely inexplicable and wasn’t really lucid, but that was how it was reported to me.

Needless to say, they gave me more drugs.

Later I awoke properly in a room, conspicuously alone. Clearly it was a two person room, but they didn’t want me going psycho on any roommate. And really, who could blame them. It was late by then, and I slept intermittently throughout the night, taking a Vicodan when the pain got the better of me.

Early in the morning my wife arrived sometime after my first meal in over 30 hours; Surprisingly good for hospital food. After waiting till well into the afternoon for the doc to finally release me, my wife took me home. Already I was feeling better, and there was far less pain.

We arrived home and shortly after my daughter and dog followed suit. I will be laid up for a couple of days while I complete my recovery, but I expect it will be fairly uneventful.

Thanks for reading my ramblings.
#1son