Wonder if he's gone for good

I got home alright after leaving work early yesterday. I cried my way to town, got some groceries, took a check to the safe house, cried with our friend there. We raised more than 200.00 for the kids and they had a full house when I got there. I took the thank you's and dropped them off at his brother's then headed for home.

I let the dogs in. Buck seemed to be ok in his new horse blanket, he wasn't hung up on the fence or the dog doors like I worried about. The heater kept the water thawed and all is well with the dogs for being outside. That is a load off my mind.

I had gotten some of my favorite spagetti stuff and made a little for dinner. Added cottage cheese and pineapple for a treat and that was dinner. With both of us being the oldest of five kids it was hard enough to cook for just the two of us. This cooking for one is a challenge. I think I better make a note to get a lot of those throw away freezer things for now.

I fed the scraps to the dogs and did the dishes up. There were more than I thought there would be. I think I am trying to make it look like we are both still here by using extra dishes or something. Maybe another protective device.

While I got the email the dog went ballistic when the cat snuck in the back door. It was only a small creaking noise but she came up like it was an Indian raid. They have both continued to be on high guard since Bill is gone.

I played a hand or two of spades and then decided to write some more. I always shared everything with my buddy and not having him there to talk to is very hard. Isolating. Because it's all drivel, like this post. Nothing important, nothing earth shattering, just what my day was like.

Then I would get my head pats or poor Val's and go back to chores and loving him. He would be in watching TV or upstairs killing monsters and I would be working on auctions or websites and we were good. We knew where the other one was if we needed them.

Then at bed time one of us might start something or both of us or we might just crawl into bed, kiss each other good night and go to sleep. We both knew if we changed our minds the other one was right there to wake at need.

What the puzzlement is here is this; How can what was a happy and joyful life turn into just an existance? Where once a peaceful sleep knowing the bills were paid and the the cars all running and the kids were ok and the mate happy were my life - and a good one - it now just feels like a play running long past it's time, just a body going through the motions.

While we lived quitely for the most part, we lived each day fully and together with joy in living. I can't find the pride and satisfaction I took from making it work before. I can't see the point in it. The only change is the loss of my lover. It's the same life with all the same things and people in it as before...

It's just so full of echos. Hollow and empty. What a large aura he had, my mate.