If I look hard enough into the settin’ sun

Just a quick note to all my family and local friends out there.

Yes, I re-did the blog. It's not all bad. The avatar is my mate's real self and my real self embracing each other. The "good bye darling" hug we always shared before one of us left for the day or a trip or to go for the mail. It's a good hug, it's our real selves. It's ok, not depressing.

The gladiolas at the bottom I planted for him this year were many colors but he loved the white ones and I loved the red ones. So I hung them in black and white for mourning.

I took all the colors off the blog. Photos I post will add it now and then, as you will add color to my life sometimes.

This is where I come to work out my head. While I still keep some things private I believe by sharing as much as I can may help someone else one day.

You may read ANYTHING here! My head is a strange and twisty place. If I am ever in such poor condition that I can't function without help, you will NOT read it hear first. I will be calling and asking for help from you. I know it is there for me if I need it. Do not freak at the depths of dispair I may display and do not take my stories of pain and loneliness as cries for help. I will send those directly to you if I need you.

What they will be are true expressions of the depths and hurts I am experiencing. Or as much as I feel the public can bear to read. Why am I posting these feelings?

This is the point I want to make. Because you can't get over a wall by sitting there and staring at it or wishing it away. You have to hurt your fingers, strain your muscles and stub your toes and climb over it. Then it is behind you.

I have to express my grief, it is too large to contain even in the largest heart chest in the world. I have many things closed away to forget and ignore in little boxes in my brain. This one will not fit. I have to get it out, look at it, examine it, experience it and put it behind me to get over it.

I am not publishing the 4 page letter I wrote the mate Monday night. I am not being specific about what I talk to him about, out loud, from the time I walk in till the time I lay down to sleep. Those things are between me and him. But I share the rest here for some other lover alone in their pain to read because all of us that have true love must face this......one has to stay, usually.

Everyone of you, cousins, nephews, neices, daughters, son, friends and family that have love will have to deal with this someday.

If I show you that talking to your invisible mate for a while is a comfort, not a sign of insanity, that you are not crazy for sleeping in the last dirty shirt then you can at least know that you are not alone in your search for comfort.

And if I can make it till spring, and then summer, and then through the next 25th of January, as much as I loved my mate, you will know that you can do it too.

So I write here as much to get it out of my system as to show you it can be survived.

But first I have to get off my ass and over the wall of grief. So just bear with me while I climb.

If I need a rope, I'll holler, trust me.