Wonder this time where he's gone

I have been stuck in instant replay all day and I cut out of work early to run away and hide for a while.

Last night was the bible study. The sis got there early and brought Buck a mini horse blanket to wear outside. Now she and Buck have never been real buddies. She finds him unattractive and drooly and he finds her too bossy and spare with the pets. But she liked my mate.

It would mean a lot to him to know she then sat down and sewed it twice to get the adjusting straps to fit him just right. By the time we had sized it, checked it, and re-sized it, he was used to putting it on and off over his head and standing for the clip as well as any mini horse would have. He really seems to like it. With the twin mattress, heater and his new "binky" Buck should make it through the winter just fine.

I almost forgot to put it on him this morning and couldn't figure why he wasn't heading for the door like he should but lagging at the washing machine....DUH! It was folded and laying up there! He popped his head right into it.

I can work better if I am not worried about him freezing off anything important. My pretty girl is chow lab with a chow undercoat. She a walking heat factory. I don't worry about her so much. They are now as well set as I can get them aside from paying someone to stay home with them. Your very welcome, mate.

I made beef barbeques with chips and cottage cheese, Ma brought fresh fruit and an angel food cake. We had a nice dinner then studied up on David and Absalom. Not a happy ending.

Once they were gone I changed the channel on the tv to a funky movie and played cards online till midnight. It took me two more hours go get to bed.....It was two weeks to the day I had lost the mate. I slept for crap. I feel like crap and I hate sunshine today. Since I was getting ready to leave I have been replaying the event in my head and and about 45 minutes ago finally got to the part where they got him out of the house and into the ambulance.

The part where I finally was off the phone for more than 60 seconds. The part where, inspite of all the family and friends there, that I knew the mate had left for the last time. The part where I went up to his pool room with his best friend and another guy and sat there while they played pool and watched while they drank the last 3 beers out of the little fridge he had up there. The part where I realized his friend and I were in the same terrible place where we knew it was real but couldn't cry and couldn't touch anyone and didn't dare look each other in the eye or we would totally disintegrate.

The bad part where we both knew he had to leave, too, because he couldn't stand it and I had to go face all those people in my house and deal with the rest of the day. When all we both wanted to do was sit down and get ripping drunk.

Two weeks ago that seems like today because I am still in shock and have been running on a well programed auto pilot that has a faulty time tracker. It was new all over again this morning. Will I have to do this every Wednesday for the rest of my life? I may have to start taking Wednesday's off and get really drunk on Tuesday nights so I sleep through them.

When the mate crashed his bike in front of mine doing about 105mph once (which is enough), I had to quit being a friend of the family and admit I was in too deep. I could have lost him that day. I moved away. A year later he moved in with me and we lived happily ever after.

The summer before last when he and the neice's grandpa went to see her graduate the truck in front of them scraped his load of portable bleachers off and dropped them on the mates side of the car. The grandpa is a strong man and even with the wheel on that side at a 45 degree angle to the ground he managed to steer them past the rest of the flying benches and to the side of the road. They got towed home, but they made it.

We have had people come at us head on in our lane on the bikes, dodged deer, coons, dogs, cows horses, kids and idiot drivers, stood on the brakes to avoid other accidents and had a thousand other close calls in our daily commutes and riding. He could be smeared all over the highway.

I had twenty years of true love. I have to remember that and try not to whine. I could have lost him the first time and never had a turn. It's all good. I had my turn. That I am greedy is just human, that I am full of self pity is just human. I like to think I am smart enough to know I was loved and loved that man in return with no regrets. But I am human enough to wish him back to this planet with me.